On the Road Again

We'll be in Cuba by one o'clock on Tuesday afternoon. Oscar says he has been practicing "progressive idleness" for the last two weeks.

He says he has just about mastered it.

***

The trip to Cuba is meant to be a rest. Aside from a day trip to Havana, we plan to spend most of the time in a horizontal position on the beach or by a pool.

Young Doo went to Cuba during this past winter. He went with his mom and his new stepdad, Sticky. Doo said they had a very good time.

The only words of advice Doo could pass on about Cuba was regarding the ice cream.

He said, "Dey gotz bad ice queam in Cooba." Even though he didn't mean to, Doo said "Cuba" like it's spoken in Spanish.

I told him I planned to bring my own ice cream to Cuba. Doo thought this was a very good idea. Then he asked me if he could have some.

***

Apparently, there is a blogging machine at the hotel. I'll believe it when I see it. If it's possible, we'll report at least once from there. If not, we shall return in this space on May 3rd. . . . .

***

In the Pink

Ben and Norma returned from their trip to Cuba recently. They said they had a wonderful time.

Ben confided that he and Norma spent time on a beach where there were many topless women. He said it was the first time he had been to such a place.

Ben remarked that there were a number of older European women at the beach. Many of them, he noted, were considerably overweight. Fortunately, this did not detract, in any way, from the experience of seeing half-naked women.

"When I get the chance to see a woman's boobs," he told me quietly, "I don't discriminate."

***

"No, there isn't."

That's what Computer Doug said yesterday when I told him there was a starling's nest in his second-floor air vent.

This is the third year in a row that starlings have made a nest in his second-floor air vent. Each year, Computer Doug flatly denies its existence.

***

Anyone could quickly see that a nest existed inside the air vent. After fewer than twenty minutes of observation, you would almost certainly witness a starling as it entered the air vent, often with nesting material in its beak.

The pesky birds also make an unholy racket as they fight to squeeze through the impossibly small gaps in the air vent cover.

Each year, when the newborn starlings find their voices, one can easily hear their hungry cries.

Yet Computer Doug won't admit there's a starling's nest in his air vent.

***

Of course, Computer Doug has a very good reason for playing dumb about the nest. If the nest doesn't exist, he doesn't have to do anything about it.

Doing something about house-related things isn't something Computer Doug likes to expend energy on. So there's considerable advantage for him in maintaining the position that starlings are not living in his second-floor air vent.

It's an impressive strategy.

***

Even more impressive than Computer Doug's denial strategy was the bright, pink shirt he was wearing as he returned home from work on Wednesday. That's when we talked about the phantom starlings in his air vent.

It was very difficult to concentrate on the starling discussion without being distracted by the brilliance of his shirt.

Computer Doug told me he bought the shirt on eBay. I said this seemed like a very convenient thing to do.

***

It may not be completely accurate to describe it as simply a pink shirt. In fairness, it would be more accurate to call it a blending of two colours: the intersection where neon pink meets bright, metallic violet.

It's a shirt that quickly grabs one's attention.

***

Computer Doug is very nonchalant about buying his shirts on eBay. He talks about it as if it's the most common thing in the world.

I've never met anyone who's done this sort of thing before, except for Computer Doug. But I assume people have very good reasons for buying their shirts in this fashion.

I just can't guess what the good reason might be.

***

Weed is the proud owner of a new backscratcher.

It's purple and is made of hard plastic. There are two small hands on the business end of the backscratcher. Weed says it just does an "okay job" of scratching your back. The plastic fingers on the little hands, he explained, would have been better if they were "just a tad softer."

Our province's name is inscribed on the handle, underneath a badly imprinted image of a lobster. A sticker on the other side of the handle says it was made in Malaysia.

Weed said he bought the backscratcher at the dollar store. He said it was an impulse buy.

***

Oscar was quite taken by Weed's new backscratcher. He said it was the first time he had seen one in many years. He thinks we should buy a supply of them to distribute to resort workers when we go to Cuba next Tuesday. The U.S. trade embargo, he added, would surely have blocked the import of backscratchers into that country.

I told him I would give his idea some thought.

***

Oscar also said that Weed's purchase of the backscratcher was the most interesting thing to happen in the Sack all week.

Of course, Oscar didn't catch a glimpse of Computer Doug's pink and violet shirt. I'm not so sure he would still give the nod to Weed's backscratcher, if he'd seen the shirt.

It was a very startling shirt.

***

Four Things About Doug

Work demands have kept us away from the blogging machine lately. A recent house guest at the Wonders' abode has slowed things down as well.

Sack news has been accumulating at a furious pace, nonetheless. If each bit of news was represented by a single tree leaf, there would be some serious raking to be done.

Eventually, of course, equilibrium will be re-established and harmony restored. Then we'll be up to date on the latest cul-de-sac news. A week of respite in Cuba will certainly help in this regard, as well.

When we do get caught up, you'll learn more about Maxwell's recent expulsion from the Bitterman home. It's the second time he has received his marching orders since moving there in January.

You'll also get the full details on Weed's new sneakers (they're bright yellow), Doo's latest street crime (spitting) and the latest missive from the Sack Resident's Society (it's awakening again).

But first, here is some Doug lore.

***

Computer Doug has never eaten a Big Mac. Not once. Not ever.

Nor has he ever consumed a Whopper or a Papa Burger. To put it plainly, Computer Doug has never eaten a hamburger from a restaurant or a fast-food place in his entire life.

This should not, however, imply that he's a health-conscious vegetarian. On the contrary, he'll just as soon eat anything else from a fast-food place, aside from the hamburger. In fact, he'll gladly eat a homemade hamburger from his own stove or barbeque.

He just won't eat what he calls "an outside hamburger."

***

Of course, Computer Doug will be the first to tell you that his position on the outside hamburger has nothing to do with a healthy diet or a rejection of popular culture.

He says he had a vague notion that he didn't like the idea of the outside hamburger when one was offered to him as a child. After that, it was never offered to him again. Over time, it became part of his family lore that he would not eat a hamburger from a restaurant of any kind.

Over the years, Computer Doug says he has simply gone along with the story without giving it much thought. He says he could probably eat an outside hamburger without any difficulty.

But as he grows closer to the age of forty, he says he really sees the whole affair as a "hamburger streak," rather than a food preference issue. People seem so impressed or dumbfounded by this lifetime abstinence that he thinks it would be a shame to give up on it now.

***

So Computer Doug has a lifetime "no outside hamburger" streak going for him.

Most people, of course, don't know this about him. Computer Doug says it doesn't come up in conversations very often. He doesn't tend to bring it up himself because he's not really the bragging type. He says he only tells people he's close to, unless, of course, the subject of hamburgers happens to come up.

Computer Doug told me about this when I ran into him at the local grocery emporium. Both of us were in the meat department at the time. Computer Doug was buying ground beef and I was buying chicken.

I don't recall bringing up the subject of hamburgers. In fact, I'm quite certain that Computer Doug brought the matter up. So I think he must feel close to me.

***

Rental Doug was the recipient of last year's Doug of the Year award.

Ever since he was announced as the winner, his profile around the Sack has been almost nonexistent. Oscar says he has seen "neither hide nor hair" of the man since January.

Rental Doug has been around, of course. He comes and goes just like anyone else. He works and spends time with his family. He doesn't make any waves and goes about his business quietly.

Naturally, Oscar sees this as mere camouflage.

As we've explained in the past, he thinks Rental Doug is in the employ of the Devil. It's only a matter of time, Oscar argues, before Rental Doug's true purpose in the Sack will be revealed.

***

Rental Doug lives in the Sack with his common-law spouse. They have a blended family; both have a child from a previous relationship. They live in the only house in the Sack not occupied by its owner.

Even if Rental Doug is on Satan's payroll, one thing is very clear. He and his spouse seem to relish their roles as parents. They decorate their home for almost every holiday and they are always the first, if not the only ones, to do so. Right now, their front window is adorned with stick-on pictures relating to Easter. There are images of yellow chicks, white rabbits and brown wicker baskets filled with colourful Easter eggs.

The Rental Doug home is the only one in the Sack to be decorated in this fashion.

***

Oscar says Rental Doug's propensity for decorating his home and making an effort to celebrate special occasions with his blended family kids is typical of someone in the Devil's organization. Whenever someone tries to imitate another person, he explained, it's common to exaggerate the characteristics of the person being studied.

Rental Doug, in Oscar's view, is being conspicuous by his goodness.

***

Big Doug was seen on Good Friday wearing a pair of neatly-pressed khaki pants.

When Big Doug is seen wearing khaki pants, you can be certain that he is going to a social function of some kind. He will likely be attending a family gathering, a work-related function or the annual banquet for either his golf or curling clubs.

Khaki pants, in the case of Big Doug, is a dead giveaway.

***

Big Doug, of course, is someone who is most comfortable in the clothing of the working man.

He's the kind of fellow who dons a pair of battered coveralls just to check the oil in his car. If there is something to be done in the midst of a rain shower, Big Doug will do it clad in an industrial-grade rain suit complete with matching boots. And if there is a particularly heavy snowfall, he'll be wearing a bright orange set of insulated coveralls while he shovels the snow from his driveway.

Most of the time, however, you'll see Big Doug in a pair of work jeans, steel-toed boots and a flannel shirt. In the warmer weather, the jeans will be replaced by denim shorts. But if there's the slightest hint of grease and grime around, Big Doug will revert back to the coveralls.

And when the pressed khaki pants come out, you know Big Doug has some socializing to do.

***

Little Doug bit his tongue the other day.

He said he did it accidently, of course. Only a crazy person, he added, would bite his own tongue on purpose.

Biting his tongue was a very painful experience, according to Little Doug. He said it had been a very long time since he had done this to himself. He hoped it would be another long time before it happened again.

Weed was with Little Doug when the tongue-biting occurred. Weed said he couldn't remember how long it had been since he had bitten his own tongue. It made him think that it would be worthwhile to keep track of such things in future. This way, Little Doug would have been able to say, "I haven't bit my tongue since March 1998."

***

Weed said it was very funny when Little Doug bit his tongue.

He didn't mean that it was funny to see Little Doug in pain, of course. He just meant that it was funny to hear what Little Doug said when he first bit his tongue.

They were sitting on the couch watching a fishing show on television. Little Doug was chewing absently on a tooth pick. They had just finished eating their dinner. Apparently, Daisy had cooked up some salmon burgers on the barbeque.

All of a sudden, Little Doug moaned, grimaced and leaned forward in his chair. Weed asked him what was wrong.

"Ah bit ma puckin' dung," Little Doug replied.

***

False Alarm

Oscar found a baseball cap hanging on a tree branch in the Sack's centre circle.

Apparently, the hat is of very high quality. It's blue and bears a crest celebrating the 2003 British Open.

Oscar says it will be very exciting to have a hat tree in the Sack. He asked me to keep an eye open, in case a 1993 World Series championship hat appears on one of its branches.

I told him my eyes would be wide open.

***

Burning Manor did not reopen on April Fool's Day as expected. So much for delicious irony.

New information has come to light about the reopening of Burning Manor. The news comes from one of the Sack's most reliable sources of intelligence, the local bingo hall. As usual, Norma was the one to glean the information.

Firstly, Dirk and Dora will not return until sometime in the middle of May.

Apparently, Dirk has changed jobs since the torching of his house. Now he's working in a job that takes him out of the province for periods of time. He won't be back until the middle of next month.

Dora, on the other hand, is reported to be very displeased about the new house. In particular, she's upset about the terms of the insurance settlement. Sources say she is in a very snarly mood as she prepares to return to the Sack.

***

Ironically, some Sack people were bothered by the delay in reopening Burning Manor. Computer Doug said he was already "psyched" for their return on Saturday. He's not sure if he'll have the energy to get psyched again at a later date.

Weed was also looking forward to Dirk and Dora's return on April Fool's Day. From an entertainment perspective, he says they're one of the best things about living in this particular cul de sac.

***

Others, of course, were relieved at the delay.

Gordon says every day without Burning Manor is a day to rejoice. He thinks we should take such delays when we can get them. Elizabeth agreed and said she would be happy if the delay lasted until hell freezes over.

Naturally, everyone is concerned about what this new information may mean for the Sack. It isn't a good sign to learn that Dirk will be away from home for periods of time. As the lesser of two evils, he tends to be a "stabilizing factor" (as Oscar, would say) in the Burning Manor household.

Gordon says it's very worrisome to hear that Dora is in a snarly mood as she returns to the Sack. Others, of course, have noted that a snarly mood tends to be quite typical for Dora, so it's likely we'll just be getting more of the same.

***

There's little value in speculating about what will happen at Burning Manor. It seems to be helpful to simply expect shenanigans. When something does go awry, it's a lot easier to take it in stride.

This is also a useful philosophy when someone discovers a hat tree in the middle of your cul de sac.

***