The Importance of Being Douglas

Yesterday, I encountered young Doo as he negotiated his way up the Sack's icy pavement.  He was walking with his head down.

When he neared the Wonders' driveway, I asked cheerfully, "So, what's Santa Claus bringing you for Christmas?"

Doo stopped in his tracks and gave me a quizzical look.  It seemed I had shaken him from a subterranean level of consciousness.

"Huh?" said the boy.

"I said, what's Santa gonna bring you for Christmas?"

"A rifle," he replied with great certainty.

In a tone of mock horror, I said, "A rifle?  What are you gonna do with a rifle?"

"I'm gonna shoot it," Doo replied flatly, as though your agent was a certified moron.

Visions of dead goldfinches and wounded cats were forming in my mind.  "Well, what are gonna shoot at?"

"I'm gonna shoot you!" the boy exclaimed with a hearty laugh.  The brim of his toque had partially fallen over his eyes.  This made him look slightly more impish than usual.

"Me!" I exclaimed, "What're you gonna shoot me for?"

"Because," Doo replied with a grin.  Then he added, "I'm gonna shoot you in the bum."

"In the bum?  That's not very nice." 

Doo grinned again and said, "I know!"

"It's probably going to hurt quite a lot."

"I know!" said Doo happily.

"Well, if you're going to shoot me in the bum, try to do it after the holidays are over.  I could use a little more time off work."

Doo considered this for a moment and then said, "Okay."

The boy started on his way again as I turned toward the Wonders' driveway.  It occurred to me that it probably wasn't very responsible to make light of being shot in the bum by a rifle-wielding boy.  I turned around again and called out to Doo.

"You're not really getting a rifle for Christmas, are you?"

"Nope," Doo replied, looking back at me.  "I'm not allowed."

"Good," I answered, "Guns can be dangerous."

"I know," he said, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Well, Merry Christmas anyway," I said cheerfully.

"Merry Christmas," said Doo.  

He turned around and continued toward his house.  I could hear him singing as he walked further away.  In a high, off-key voice, he was singing "Jingle Bells."

***

A comprehensive review of the Sack's Doug population was finally completed.  This, of course, was necessary for determining this year's Doug of the Year (DOTY) award.  

The review or "gathering of the data," as Oscar likes to call it, took place at the Wonders' house last weekend.  Both Oscar and Weed were in attendance, along with your agent. There were no fist fights or other shenanigans.

We just got the job done.

***

Computer Doug had an interesting year in 2007.

Last February, he was laid off from his computer-related job.  It was the first time in his adult life he had been without gainful employment.

Fortunately, Oscar was available to provide him with ongoing support, since Computer Doug had no idea how to manage his newly found free time.  Oscar, of course, is a specialist in this area. Despite drawing a full-time income while working from his home, it's unlikely if he actually puts more than a few hours a week into business-related matters.

Under Oscar's expert tutelage, Computer Doug learned how to engage in guilt-free idleness, with regular, extended luncheons in the downtown quarter.

He gained ten pounds before he started a new job in April.

***

If a period of unemployment wasn't enough for Computer Doug, a round of gum surgery certainly added insult to injury.  Although normally a rather reserved fellow, Computer Doug was keen to show other Sack residents the stitches in his mouth.

Just about everyone in the Sack caught a peek at Computer Doug's mouth stitches. As a result, he received no end of sympathy for his plight.  For several weeks, Sack residents would add, "How's your mouth doing?" to every greeting they extended to him.

While Computer Doug seemed to relish the attention and compassion arising from his gum surgery, his wife, Marion was hardly amused.  She accused him of "milking it," in order to avoid even the slightest responsibility during his recovery period.

According to Marion, her husband skillfully averted household chores, childcare duties and anything else that required an iota of physical exertion.  Computer Doug, of course, defended himself vigorously, stating that anything that created "an acceleration of blood flow" would certainly inflame the tender surgical area of his mouth.  When pressed to elaborate on the evidence for such precautions, he assured Marion that it was "a simple matter of human biology."

Oscar says Computer Doug may have learned far more during his period of unemployment than he gave the man credit for.

***

While Oscar believes that Computer Doug's ability to avoid undesired labour was the man's greatest achievement in 2007, your agent begs to differ.  An unexpected encounter with a raccoon, in my mind, was far more entertaining, even if no one witnessed the affair.

Dressed in his bathrobe and trademark bear-claw slippers, Computer Doug walked into his backyard carrying a bag of food scraps.  He was going to empty it into his compost bin.

It was early in the morning and Computer Doug said he was still half-asleep.  He opened the top of the compost bin and was immediately greeted by a youthful, yet terrified raccoon.  Apparently, the animal had somehow become trapped inside the bin overnight.

The raccoon quickly scampered away.  In his surprise, Computer Doug fell backwards and landed on his back.  The bag of food scraps, now broken, was flung several feet away.  Computer Doug was unhurt, but now fully awake.

Later, Computer Doug admitted that he was so scared that he almost suffered an involuntary bowel movement.  Weed says Computer Doug would've been an automatic choice for the DOTY award, if this had actually happened.  He could be right about this.

***

Among other things, Big Doug is known for his rather curious relationship with the word, "arse."

After careful research into the matter, it has been determined that no one has every heard him utter the word, "ass."  In every instance where a reference to the posterior must be made, Big Doug will always say, "arse."

We mention this phenomenon because Big Doug's arse played a prominent role for him during the past year.

In the first instance, Big Doug became the third Sack male in the last few years to undergo a colonoscopy.  Without any prompting at all, he was quick to declare that the procedure was a giant pain in the arse.  In fact, he was heard to state this same line on a number of occasions.

In the second instance, Big Doug's arse was on the receiving end of a direct hit from a toy missile.  Young Doo fired the weapon in question.  Although no injury was sustained, Big Doug was quick to take the boy to task.  During the ensuing lecture, the boy was informed that he would be receiving a quick kick in the arse, if he was ever again found walking about the Sack with the toy weapon.

This could be one of many reasons why Santa Claus won't be bringing Doo a rifle for Christmas.

***

While the matter was unrelated to his posterior, Big Doug suffered a significant setback last summer when a patch of his award-winning green lawn suddenly turned yellow.

Fortunately, the matter was quickly rectified by several pieces of new sod. Within days, it was impossible to tell where the lawn catastrophe had occurred.  Nevertheless, Oscar claimed that Big Doug literally fell on his arse in shock when he discovered the problem.

Your agent, of course remains doubtful about this.

In the end, Big Doug still remained as the perennial champion in the Sack's best lawn competition.  In fact, the award itself has been retired, since he has been the victor every year since the honour was established.

***

Big Doug's final two achievements had nothing to do with his arse or, for that matter, anyone else's arse.

Last spring, Big Doug went for his tenth consecutive holiday in Cuba. According to Oscar, only Fidel Castro himself is more revered in the tiny socialist island than Big Doug.  This is because of the toiletries and T-shirts he bestows upon resort workers when he arrives for his annual vacation.

Oscar claims that Big Doug is known as El Dougo amongst the local populace. Your agent remains even more doubtful about this.

Finally, it should be noted that Big Doug managed a personal best golf score during 2007.  While this should hardly entitle him to the DOTY award, his reply to Oscar's comment on the matter is certainly worth noting.  Upon hearing of Big Doug's golf achievement, Oscar said:

"You hit double digits for the first time?"

Big Doug smiled for a moment and looked down at Oscar with his piercing eyes. Then he said, with a cool, even tone:

"How'd you like to kiss my arse?"

***

Little Doug, the defending DOTY award-winner was once again prominent in 2007. Oscar made no secret of his belief that Little Doug should be a repeat winner this year.

This year marked Little Doug's first foray into the world of dating. Although the Internet was held fully responsible for delivering his ex-wife into the arms of another man, Little Doug used the same medium to meet a woman named Marcella.

In the beginning, it appeared they were a match made in heaven. Like Little Doug, Marcella drove a pick-up truck.  On the bumper of the vehicle was a sticker that read:  "I'd rather be fishing."  Little Doug has the same bumper sticker on his truck.

Sadly, the relationship went awry after Little Doug's infamous introduction to Marcella's family.  In addition to discovering the family's predilection for alcohol, he also learned that effective anger management was not among their more notable interpersonal skills. During his first introduction to Marcella's clan, a rather nasty brawl broke out at a family party.  It was so bad that someone had to call the peelers.

While Marcella did not appear to share her family's interest in alcohol, Little Doug was dismayed when she threw herself into the brawl with great enthusiasm.  In the end, he decided that it was enough to have his own dysfunctional family without adding Marcella and her family into the mix.

Little Doug continues to search the Internet for new dating partners, but so far hasn't reported any luck.

***

During the year, Little Doug continued to be the Sack's "go-to-guy" for household repairs and renovations.

Last winter, he completed some renovations at Oscar's house.  He also removed a starling's nest from Computer Doug's second-floor exhaust vent and, on several occasions, repaired his namesake's toilet.  More recently, he inspected Computer Doug's furnace and declared that a curious clanging sound was nothing to be concerned about.

The list of Little Doug's benevolence is really too long to itemize here. However, he still earned the wrath of Gordon on several occasions for his inattention to his own property.  

After a day spent working on the exterior of his own home, Little Doug took a break before he cleaned up from his labours.  He fell asleep on the couch while watching his favourite television show, Hogan's Heroes.  Meanwhile, his property was strewn with tools and garden implements.  Much to Gordon's chagrin, Little Doug's property remained in this state for some time.

Just before Gordon could summon the full power of the Sack Resident's Society to deal with the matter, Jeff Christ stepped in and miraculously saved the day.  He tidied up Little Doug's yard and turned a discarded golf bag into a folk art planter.

Weed says Jeff Christ would be a certainty for the DOTY award if only his name was Doug.  Once again, he could be right about this. 

***

If Big Doug's year was arse-themed, then Little Doug's year could be associated with seafood.

During summer, he placed the remnants of a family seafood supper in his garbage bin.  On the night before the old town's waste management professionals would arrive to empty it, the bin was attacked by a gang of marauding raccoons.

The attack took place in the wee hours of the morning. Unfortunately, a disagreement erupted amongst the raccoons and a furious fight ensued.  Almost everyone in the Sack was awakened by the matter.  Everyone agreed that it was reminiscent of the kind of shenanigans that usual occur at Burning Manor.

If the Sack was ever portrayed in cartoon animation, Weed says Dirk and Dora would be represented as raccoons.  Oscar agreed with the observation.  Then he said Weed would be played by a skunk.  Weed smirked and said Oscar's character would be a retarded monkey.

Thankfully, this was the only dispute they had during the DOTY deliberations.

***

Little Doug's other encounter with seafood concerned a suburban lobster trap.

Inexplicably, Dirk had placed the fully-functioning trap on his lawn. It was supposed to be for decorative purposes only.  At least, that was the best explanation Sack residents could muster.

Oscar wondered if Dirk was trying to catch a land lobster, a mythical creature from the deep recesses of his brain.  While this was rejected as a preposterous idea, the trap did manage to ensnare young Doo.

It was Little Doug who rescued the boy from becoming Dirk's dinner.

***

During last summer's Canada Day celebrations, the Sack hosted its first-ever street party.  Little Doug was notable for two reasons during this affair.

Somehow, it was determined that the Sack should challenge the residents of Pleasant Street to a street hockey game.  Pleasant Street, of course, is a rival cul-de-sac that's held in very low esteem by several Sack residents.  It's the home of Dan "Danny" McGraw, Oscar's boyhood nemesis.  An "arsehole" mechanic who once did a poor job repairing Big Doug's car is also a resident there.

Pleasant Street is also the home of Little Doug's boss.  Little Doug refers to the man as his "stupidvisor."

It was Little Doug's responsibility to issue the street hockey challenge to his boss. Oscar refused to have any verbal contact with Danny McGraw and Big Doug said he was liable to kick the mechanic in the arse, if he had to engage in a conversation with him.

Unfortunately, Little Doug didn't go to work in the days leading up to the Canada Day street party.  He claimed that he came down with a bad case of pink eye. Weed, however, claims there was nothing pink about his father-in-law's eye at all. He figures Little Doug just didn't want to see his "stupidvisor" on a weekend, even if it meant kicking his behind in a street hockey game.

In the end, only Sack residents played in the game.  Oscar was the referee.  He gave Little Doug a penalty for wearing black socks with shorts and white sneakers.

***

Despite his alleged connection to Satan, Rental Doug continued to be a fine fellow and a good neighbour throughout the year.

There were only two matters that brought him onto the Sack's radar during 2007. However, both matters were quite significant.

In the early part of the year, Oscar discovered something extraordinary about Rental Doug.  Most Sack residents assumed Oscar would say something quite preposterous as he began to make his announcement.  But it turned out to be something quite factual after all.

Rental Doug, it seems, is American-born.

While this would hardly be shocking to an American, it was a particular surprise to Sack residents who have lived their entire lives in the old town.  Many of them had never met an American before. Oscar noted the absence of an American accent. Big Doug, a devoted snow-shoveler, said he was impressed with Rental Doug's snow clearing acumen.  He said such talent could only have been derived from life-long residence in this country.

Little Doug was surprised because Rental Doug hadn't obtained his spouse from the Internet.  His own ex-wife ran off with a man from the great State of Maine after a brief Internet affair.  As a result, Little Doug tends to look at Americans with a bit of a jaundiced eye.

Weed, however, said he had an inkling about Rental Doug's origins. He said he had observed the man with a hockey stick in his hands while playing with his kids on their driveway.

"I was pretty sure he was from Florida when I saw that," he remarked.

***

Rental Doug's other achievement during the year concerned Burning Manor.  He became the first Sack resident to obtain multiple, detailed views of the home's interior.

The opportunity to see Burning Manor's innards arose when Dirk and Dora decided to sell their home.  Rental Doug has made several low-ball offers for the house. The fragrant couple quickly dismissed each one.

Nevertheless, Rental Doug has been present at almost every open house at Burning Manor.  He has provided Sack residents with detailed, lurid reports on the state of the house.  Despite his belief that Rental Doug is associated with Satan, Oscar begrudgingly admits the man is now the Sack's official Burning Manor correspondent.

Burning Manor, of course, remains for sale at an exorbitant price. No efforts are being expended to secure a sale, as Dirk and Dora await the expiration of the contract with their real estate agent.  Rental Doug remains very interested in purchasing the house and hopes that, even with a new agent, Dirk and Dora will throw in the towel on their current price.

***

If Burning Manor is indeed sold to Rental Doug, Oscar says we'll face our greatest naming challenge in many years.

Rental Doug, of course, will require a new moniker, if he buys a property in the Sack.  Preliminary discussions on a new name have been difficult.  Undoubtedly, there will be more terrible arguments among Oscar, Weed and your agent in developing a new name for Rental Doug.

Oscar says he's looking forward to 2008 for this very reason.

***

And so the DOTY deliberations were completed.  After Oscar's Boxing Day brunch, the winner will be determined.

Oscar says it's a shame that only one Doug can win the award.  He said he came to this conclusion yesterday after running into an acquaintance at the local shopping emporium.

The fellow said he was vaguely familiar with another man who lived in the Sack. He said the resident's name was Doug, but he couldn't remember a last name. Oscar tried to elicit a physical description of the Doug in question, but his acquaintance was rather vague about it.

"The only thing I can tell you," the man said to Oscar, "is the dude's name is Doug and he was a helluva nice guy."

***

To anyone who stumbles across these pages, I wish you and your loved ones a peaceful and joyful Christmas season. 

Cul-de-sac Blues will return in the New Year. 

Contemplating Doug

It's that time of year again.

There's a hard covering of snow on the ground. Temperatures are on the frigid side.  Festive lights adorn many Sack homes. Gordon's mechanical reindeer are prancing on his front lawn once again.

Like ants converging on a dropped Popsicle, residents of the old town are flocking to the local shopping emporium.  Weekend traffic has increased significantly.  On various corner lots along the main thoroughfares, sellers of pine and fir trees are enjoying a bustling trade.  

To the casual observer, these developments obviously suggest the onset of a particular holiday season.  But those with a more practiced eye would recognize harbingers of another significant event.

It's time to consider the winner of the Sack's annual Doug of the Year award.

***

The Doug of the Year (DOTY) award is quite unlike more recognizable honours like the Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes.  But it's not like the Employee of the Month award at your local burger joint, either.  

Firstly, no actual trophy is bestowed upon the winner.  There isn't even a plaque or fancy certificate.  Unless the news travels through the Sack's grapevine, the winner remains unaware of his victory.

Secondly, the DOTY is determined, not by a democratic voting system, but by a series of arguments.  Your agent, Weed and Oscar meet to review the individual accomplishments of the Sack's Doug population.  After hours of debate, two of us will grow tired of the discussion.  The choice of the most persistent combatant becomes the winner.

This is why Oscar's choice usually ends up winning the DOTY award.

***

The DOTY debate begins with a general review of each Doug's performance over the past year.  While noble acts are duly noted, so are contributions to Sack shenanigans.  Sometimes, a Doug's adherence to his particular character is recognized.

Big Doug, for example, is marked by his strong work ethic, snow shoveling ability and his perfect lawn.  He is a man's man.  A bit on the gruff side, Big Doug doesn't suffer fools gladly.

Little Doug is known for his charitable ways, his propensity for falling off ladders and, of course, his abject refusal to rake leaves. With his cherubic cheeks and good nature, he laughs easily, even at his own expense.  He's a shirt-off-his-back kind of fellow.

Computer Doug, on the other hand, is distinguished by his ineptitude in home maintenance matters.  He views life through a wry, weary lens.  He is a low-key kind of fellow.  As a family man, he walks in the world as if in a slight daze.  When indoors, he's prone to wearing a pair of bear-claw slippers.

Despite these characteristics, Computer Doug will always happily solve any of your computer-related problems.  All you have to do is ask.

Rental Doug is employed by Satan.  Apparently, he holds a rather senior post.  At least, that's Oscar's view on the matter. Nevertheless, Rental Doug appears to be a good neighbour and an all-round fine fellow.  He's a doting father and takes pleasure in decorating his family's rented home for every major holiday.

***

The DOTY selection process takes place in two stages.

The first stage occurs during a special indoor edition of our show. During summer, the show is normally hosted on the Wonders' front porch.  Oscar and your agent are the show's hosts.  Weed is like a recurring guest who's slowly achieving co-host status.  Oscar says Weed occupies a Paul Shaffer-like role, without, of course, any musical ability.

Normally, there are actual guests on the show.  These are other Sack residents who happen to wander by.  But if no one's around, this doesn't stop the show from being a show.  Guests are not essential.

But when DOTY deliberations begin, guests are forbidden.  The DOTY award selection is a very serious business.  Guests, Oscar argues, would only confuse the matter.

***

The task during the show is quite simple.  We conduct a thorough review of the year from a Doug perspective.  Oscar calls this "the gathering of the data." 

Although general opinions are formed during this stage, no actual decision on the award is made.  This takes place during the second stage of the DOTY award selection process.

Stage two is held following Oscar's annual Boxing Day brunch.  His kitchen table is cleared and then the real arguments begin.  By this time, Oscar has usually consumed a considerable quantity of champagne and orange juice.  This makes him both passionate and vociferous about his particular choice for the award.

This is the other reason why Oscar's choice usually wins.

***

This year's "data gathering" began on a Saturday in early December.

Much to Oscar's consternation, it was the first indoor edition of our show since the summer ended.  Your agent's frequent absence from the Sack was the primary reason for this state of affairs.  Oscar thinks my priorities are "way out of whack." He says I should feel ashamed of myself.

The show was scheduled to begin at seven-thirty in the evening. Oscar ensured that an ample supply of drink was hand.  He also brought a large box of frozen sausage rolls with him.

Oscar said he acquired the sausage rolls by sheer good fortune. After returning from the local shopping emporium, he began to put away his weekly groceries.  That's when he found the box of sausage rolls. Oscar said he hadn't placed it his cart, nor was the item listed on his bill.

"These sausage rolls were a gift from above," he told me earnestly, pointing at the ceiling.

Oscar, of course, has a strong belief in karma.  "What goes around, comes around," is his familiar refrain.  During the last year, he said he has performed a considerable number of good deeds.  Although it's bad karma to expect a reward for one's benevolence, Oscar says it's inevitable that one's account will be reconciled at some point.

"It looks like I'm being paid back in sausage rolls this time," he told me, as he placed the box in the Wonders' freezer.

***

Oscar said he would prepare the sausage rolls during "half-time" of the Doug deliberations.  By that point, he added, we would be in need of some refreshment other than drink.

We retired to the Wonders' front room.  Oscar sat down in an armchair and exhaled noisily.  He said he had been looking forward to this event all week.

"I even got my haircut for it," he said, pointing to his shorn head.

As we caught up on Sack-related news, Oscar suddenly looked at his watch.  It was now inching toward eight o'clock, almost thirty minutes past the appointed hour for the DOTY deliberations.

"Where the hell is Weed?" he asked with annoyance.

As if on cue, the Wonders' phone rang.  It was Weed.  Apparently, he was waiting for Daisy to return home.  She was out with some friends at a tanning salon and spa.  Weed had given her a gift certificate for the place on her birthday.  He said she had been gone since early afternoon. He expected her to be home within the half hour.

***

Oscar was dismayed when he heard about Weed's delay.  He couldn't believe that Daisy would still be at a tanning salon on a Saturday night.

"She'd be cooked well-done by now," he snorted.

Your agent encouraged patience in the matter.  I said Weed would be over in no time at all.  To pass the time, I turned on the television.  Hockey Night in Canada was just about to start.  This would've been my preference for the evening anyway.

The Toronto Maple Leafs were hosting Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Crosby, the latest Canadian hockey phenomenon hails from the old town.  Whenever he appears on Hockey Night in Canada, there is great interest in the matter.

Oscar said the game would be far more relevant if the kid's name was Doug Crosby.

***

At eight-thirty, the Wonders' doorbell rang.

Standing on the doorstep was Weed.  He was holding Baby Doug in his arms.  The child was bundled up like an Arctic explorer.  Oscar said the lad's heavy snowsuit made him look like a miniature version of the Michelin Man.

Weed explained that Daisy and her friends had decided to turn their spa excursion into a night out on the town.  As a result, he had no choice but to bring Baby Doug along for the DOTY deliberations.

Oscar was not amused.

***

Oscar's position on babies is well known around the Sack.  He says they rarely have anything intelligent to say and tend to move around like drunkards.  He repeated this position to Weed as Baby Doug's layers of winter gear were removed.

Weed dismissed Oscar's complaint with a wave of his hand. Technically speaking, he said Baby Doug was no longer a baby anyway.  The tyke has already begun to walk around and has a vocabulary that rivals Britney Bitterman's beau, Maxwell.

"Pshaw," said Oscar.  He watched as Baby Doug staggered toward the Wonders' couch with a soother clenched in his mouth.

"That's not walking, man," Oscar complained under his breath.

 ***

After both Baby Doug and Oscar had settled down, the DOTY deliberations began.

"Who do you want to review first?" said Oscar, after taking a gulp of drink.

"Let's start with my pride and joy," Weed replied, holding his son on his lap affectionately.

"Baby Doug?" Oscar retorted.  "You're not gonna start this again, are you?"

Last year, Weed argued that his son should win the DOTY award by virtue of his actual birth.  The Sack's other Dougs, he pointed out, could hardly match such a feat.

Oscar, of course, was vehemently opposed to Weed's reasoning.  His position was built on two pillars.  First, he argued, Baby Doug had contributed very little to his own birth, since Daisy had undergone a Caesarian section.  Secondly, he questioned the wee lad's actual eligibility for the DOTY honour.  The boy's first name is Owen, rather than Doug.  

Weed claims they chose the name Owen Douglas because he and Daisy owe so much money to the boy's grandfather, Little Doug.

***

And so the first argument of the DOTY selection process began. Oscar and Weed parried back and forth on the subject of Baby Doug's eligibility for the award.  Baby Doug had very little to say on the matter.  Finally, Oscar asked Weed a very pointed question.

"What, in the name of God, did Baby Doug do this year?"

According to Weed, Baby Doug had accomplished something quite notable.  This achievement, he said with a confident tone, couldn't be topped by the Sack's adult Dougs.

During 2007, Baby Doug learned to walk.

***

Oscar rolled his eyes as Weed described the significance of Baby Doug's achievement.

"Baby Doug doesn't walk yet," he said curtly, when Weed had finished, "he staggers."

"Doesn't matter," replied Weed quickly, "he's still upright and propelling himself forward.  The smoothness of his gait is irrelevant."

Oscar considered this for a moment and then replied, "So, big deal. The other Doug's already know how to walk.  In fact, I've even seen a few of them stagger."

"That's true," your agent interjected, "I saw Computer Doug stagger out of a taxi after that wedding he went to last month."

Weed gave me a dirty look and said, "It's not the walking I'm talking about, anyway.  I'm talking about the developmental achievement, man.  My boy learned to do something this year."

"That's true," your agent replied, "I don't think the other Dougs learned anything this year."

Oscar gave me a dirty look.

***

The debate continued for a few more minutes.  Oscar wanted to call a vote on Baby Doug's eligibility for the award.  Weed said a denial of this nature would be a clear violation of Baby Doug's Charter rights.

Meanwhile, the hapless Toronto Maple Leafs had taken an early lead on Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Thankfully, the matter was interrupted by another telephone call. Daisy, it seemed, had decided not to go out for the rest of the evening.  She was back at home and awaiting the return of Baby Doug.  It was, she told Weed sternly, time for the boy to go to bed.

Weed bundled up Baby Doug and the duo left the Wonders' house. He said he would be back in "three shakes of a lamb's tail." When the front door closed, Oscar continued to argue his position about Baby Doug's eligibility for the DOTY award.

"Besides," Oscar stated hotly, in what I hoped were his final words on the matter, "even if we accept the kid as a Doug, we can't talk about the DOTY award when there's a Doug present in the room."

"I don't think he understood anything," your agent replied.

"Exactly," Oscar retorted, "that's because he's a baby."

***

When Weed returned to the festivities, cooler heads prevailed.  

Oscar agreed that Baby Doug could be considered for the DOTY award, but raised his own personal doubt that learning to walk would be enough to receive the annual honour.  Weed nodded his agreement and said he just wanted his son to have the same rights as any other Doug.

Conversation on the Sack's other Dougs had just begun when the Wonders' doorbell rang again.  Oscar swore under his breath and muttered something about Grand Central Station.

Your agent opened the door to find Little Doug shivering on the porch.  He was carrying a six-pack of Alexander Keith's finest ale.

"I heard you guys were watching the hockey game.  Mind if I join you?"

"Come on in," I said warmly.

***

Little Doug is not a big hockey fan.  However, one of his relatives lived next door to a woman who once acted as a babysitter for Sidney Crosby.  In Little Doug's mind, he is now obligated to show his support for the young hockey player.

Such allegiances are not limited to a rising hockey star.  There are other instances where Little Doug has shown vicarious devotion to the fortunes of the famous, based on his own tenuous connections to them.  For example, he owns the entire musical catalogue of the Mamas and the Papas and a DVD set of the Theodore Tugboat children's television series.  This is because he went to the same elementary school as the late Denny Doherty.  It matters little that Little Doug attended the school decades after Doherty.      

Weed says Little Doug suffers from Kevin Bacon Syndrome.

***

Oscar could barely conceal his frustration when Little Doug walked into the Wonders' front room.  Further DOTY deliberations would be impossible as longer as a Doug was present.  Thankfully, he didn't do anything to make Little Doug feel unwelcome.

However, it didn't help that Little Doug was rooting actively for the fortunes of Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Aside from his enthusiasm for the DOTY award, Oscar is also a devoted fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs.  After the Leafs scored another goal, he cheered a little bit too loudly.  When they scored a third goal, he wondered aloud if the late Denny Doherty was playing goalie for the Penguins.

   

In the end, the Leafs dispatched the Penguins by a 4-2 score. Sidney Crosby managed only one assist.  Little Doug, however, was still happy about the matter.  He said he felt privileged to see someone on television who had been minded by his aunt's next-door neighbour.

"That doesn't happen every day, you know," he told us cheerfully.

***

Your agent encountered Oscar and Weed in the kitchen on my way back from the bathroom.  They were renewing their supply of drink. Oscar was berating Weed in a hushed tone for telling Little Doug about our gathering.  He reiterated the "No Dougs Allowed Policy" necessary in a successful discussion of the DOTY award.

Weed declared his innocence in the matter.  He said Daisy must've told her father that we were holding court at the Wonders' house.

"Well, we've gotta get him out of here soon," Oscar hissed.  "The DOTY award isn't gonna select a winner on its own, you know."

Weed nodded and headed back to the front room.  Oscar looked at your agent and rolled his eyes.  Then he followed Weed down the hallway.  I refilled my own glass and pondered Oscar's words.  It would be wonderful indeed, I said to myself, if the DOTY award could really select the winner by itself.

***

The second game on the Hockey Night in Canada doubleheader had begun when I returned to the front room.  Little Doug had turned the sound off.  Apparently, he had no connection to anyone participating in that particular game.

Oscar sat on one of the armchairs with his legs splayed.  He sipped his drink pensively for a moment and then yawned theatrically.

"I'll probably head home after this," he said, nodding at his glass.

"Me, too," replied Weed quickly.

Little Doug nodded and patted his stomach for a moment.  Then he scratched his cheek in a thoughtful fashion.  The room was silent for about fifteen seconds.  Finally, he broke the silence and said to Oscar:

"Hey, Weed told me you brought over some sausage rolls tonight.  Why don't you rustle 'em up and then we'll call it a night?"

"That's a great idea, Doug," replied Oscar lifelessly.  "I'm surprised Weed didn't bring it up himself."  

Oscar put his drink down and ambled back to the kitchen.  As he searched for the appropriate cooking implements and prepared the oven, he made an inordinate amount of noise.

The "gathering of the data" was once again in peril.

***

While the sausage rolls were heating, Oscar stayed in the kitchen. One could only imagine that he was engaged in some serious sulking.  Little Doug, clearly unaware of Oscar's darkening mood, was chatting amiably with Weed and your agent.

About twenty minutes later, Oscar emerged with a heaping plate of hot sausage rolls.  Little Doug rubbed his hands in glee.  As he carefully selected one, the Wonders' doorbell rang once again.

"Jeff Christ," said Oscar, "who could that be at this time of night?"

This time, it was Computer Doug standing on the doorstep.  He apologized for the lateness of the hour, but said he needed to speak with Little Doug immediately.  Apparently, Daisy had told him of her father's whereabouts.

"C'mon in," I said warmly.

***

Rental Doug stood in the entryway to the front room and nodded a greeting to the assembly of neighbours.  He told Little Doug that his furnace was making a terrible clanging sound.  His wife, Marion was worried that it might be a very serious matter.

"Clanging, you say?" said Oscar quickly.  "That sounds dangerous."  He looked at Little Doug and added, "You better get over there right away."

"Yeah," Weed chimed in, "clanging sounds like serious business."

Little Doug had a hot sausage roll in his mouth.  He was chewing it cautiously, while holding up his right hand.  Finally, he swallowed and said, "Naw, clanging's okay.  It's hissing you want to be worried about." 

He picked up another sausage roll and gestured toward Computer Doug.  "Grab yourself a Keith's," he said warmly, "and dig into some sausage rolls.  Then we'll go over and give it a gander."

Computer Doug shrugged and said, "Well, if you think it's okay, then I don't mind if I do."  He picked up a sausage roll and added:

"Man, I love sausage rolls."

***

Your agent headed to the kitchen to get a Keith's for Computer Doug.  Oscar was hot on my heels.

"I've learned two things today," he whispered hoarsely, holding up two fingers.  "And that's twice as much as Baby Doug learned all year.  First, these sausages are very bad karma.  I should've taken them back to the store right away."

I nodded and opened Computer Doug's beer and then poured it into a glass.

"What's the other thing you learned," I asked.

Oscar nodded toward the front room and replied, "This year's DOTY award is definitely going to be won by either Big Doug or Rental Doug."

***

NEXT WEEK:  The DOTY award deliberations finally get under way.

***

Shed No Tears

Hurricane Noel blew a path of destruction through the Caribbean in late October. Then it began a winding journey up the Atlantic Ocean's eastern seaboard.

Thanks to the cold water of the North Atlantic, the storm had been reduced to a post-tropical force by the time it neared the old town. Nevertheless, it still packed a strong punch. Trees were downed and power was lost in many parts of the province. Coastal areas were particularly hard hit. In some places, roads were crumpled by the roaring surf and displaced rocks.

In the Sack, the storm caused a few tense moments as strong winds and torrential rain battered the neighbourhood. Just after four o'clock in the morning, the power went out. Twelve hours would pass before it was restored.

The most noticeable result of the storm revealed itself when daylight arrived. Autumn leaves had been torn from the trees and lifted from the ground. The wind and rain had shredded the leaves into a slick, confetti-like substance. Windows, doors, driveways and cars were coated with it.

It was a Sunday morning when Sack residents awoke to their first glimpse of the storm's impact. Shortly after seven o'clock, your agent arose from a night of disjointed slumber. Mrs. Wonders was already awake. I could hear her puttering about downstairs.

Slipping into a bathrobe, I stepped toward the bedroom window and drew the curtains. That's when I first noticed the shredded leaf debris. Nevertheless, the Sack seemed quiet and still.

As I turned away from the window, I suddenly caught a glimpse of movement on Gordon's driveway. Someone's head had popped up on the far side of his prized SUV. Then the head quickly popped down again.

I turned back to the window for a closer look. Seconds later, I was rewarded with a clear view of Gordon himself. It took a few more seconds to realize what he was doing.

Gordon, it seemed, was busy with his number one priority at seven o'clock on a powerless November morning, mere hours after the passing of a furious post-tropical storm.

He was washing his car.

***

Oscar's garage is regarded with awe by most Sack residents. It's filled to capacity by cartons, curiosities and, as he likes to say, "a whole lot of crap."

Of course, nothing of any commercial value can be found inside Oscar's garage. He would be the first to tell you this. Over the years, it has simply become the depository for things Oscar plans to throw away.

He just hasn't got around to throwing anything out yet.

***

Oscar has never been particularly bothered by the state of his garage. On occasion, he'll muse about cleaning it out, but nothing ever comes of it.

Other Sack residents seem far more affected by the appearance of his garage than Oscar does. Both Gordon and Big Doug look mortified whenever they catch a glimpse of it. Elizabeth, an office administrator at the local psychiatric hospital, says Oscar's garage is a sure sign of clinical depression.

On a number of occasions, both Ben and Little Doug have volunteered to help Oscar clean out his garage. Oscar expressed only mild interest in these offers and the matter was quickly forgotten.

Weed, of course, recognizes the state of Oscar's garage as a fine mixture of artistry and laziness. Most people, he argues, have no trouble simply being lazy. But Oscar, he points out, knows how to do it with flair.

In his own defence, Oscar says he's often too busy to think about his garage. Even though his work demands bear a curious resemblance to unemployment, he says people shouldn't be too quick to rush to judgement.

Pointing at the side of his skull, Oscar said, "It might not look like I'm doing much, but my mind is always running like a perpetual motion machine."

***

Oscar's boy, Dorian is fifteen-years-old. He hasn't set foot inside their garage since he was six. The fact that it's impossible to walk inside the garage has nothing to do with this.

When Dorian was six, Oscar wanted to dissuade him from playing amongst the accumulation of garage junk. He told the boy that a gang of angry leprechauns was living somewhere deep in its interior. He said there was no telling what these irate little Irishmen would do if Dorian happened to disturb them.

This is why Dorian still gives the garage a wide berth.

***

Oscar's wife's given name is Gloria. She is a very patient woman.

Whenever Gloria grows tired of the messy garage, she threatens to clean it out herself. Somehow, Oscar always manages to talk her out of this. He tells her that he needs to buy a garden shed before he can completely clean out the garage. He says he needs the shed to store all of his tools and garden equipment. After doing this, he says they'll be able to park their car in the garage for the first time in more than ten years.

Even though Oscar doesn't own any tools or garden equipment, Gloria usually lets the matter drop when he brings up the need for the garden shed.

***

In late September, however, Gloria did something very interesting. She bought a garden shed from the local Home Depot.

A truck dropped it off at the top of their driveway on a Friday afternoon. The shed parts were contained in two large eight-foot boxes. Its arrival came as a complete surprise to Oscar.

Oscar was in great distress when he learned about Gloria's purchase. Although he had lost his primary defence for maintaining a messy garage, he was far more concerned about another matter.

He would have to find someone to assemble the shed.

***

Some people, of course, are innately handy. Others develop this skill over time and with experience. Oscar, unfortunately, doesn't fall into either category. By his own admission, he's far more of an "idea man" than one who has the ability to build or repair things.

After a brief and futile attempt to convince Gloria to return the shed to Home Depot, Oscar was left to ponder its assembly. His ruminations on the matter lasted for several weeks. Meanwhile, the boxed shed remained at the top of his driveway.

Finally, after several days of rain, Gloria pledged that she would erect the shed on her own, with the help of any Sack resident she could muster. Unwilling to accept such shame, Oscar did the only thing a man could do in such a situation.

He asked Little Doug to help him assemble the shed.

***

Little Doug, of course, is already responsible for the majority of maintenance on Oscar's house. It made complete sense that Oscar would seek his assistance in such a matter.

However, Little Doug is also someone who is quick to offer his skills to others whenever the need arises. When Oscar approached him about assembling the shed, he quickly explained that his "dance card was filled." He said he would be happy to help, but couldn't commit to the project for another week.

Oscar relayed this information to Gloria, but she was stalwart in her refusal to wait another day.

***

Backed into a corner, Oscar decided to call out to the greatest engineering minds available in the Sack. Big Doug said he would be happy to help, but was tied up with his season-opening curling bonspiel. Ben, who is no slouch in the ways and means of building things, was leaving for Kingston, Ontario for his predeployment training. A senior cook in the Canadian Forces, Ben will be going to Afghanistan in January for a six-month period.

In the end, Oscar was able to put together a crew to help him assemble the garden shed. The "dream team," as he described it to me later, consisted of himself, Weed, Maxwell and Jeff Christ.

The shed-building began early on a Saturday afternoon. It was supposed to start earlier, but everyone, save for Jeff Christ, slept in that morning.

***

The garden shed was made of a hard plastic resin. For the most part, the pieces snapped together, although some needed to be attached with various bits of hardware.

After opening the boxes on the driveway, the four men began to peruse the instructions. That's when the first argument began. Jeff Christ insisted that it would be important to build a wood platform for the shed. This way, he argued, it could be anchored in place. Maxwell vehemently disagreed with this. He said his one-armed uncle has the exact same shed placed directly on the ground. Oscar and Weed sided with Maxwell, mainly because of the work involved in building a wood platform.

Outnumbered by his "dream team" colleagues, Jeff Christ agreed to proceed without the platform. But he did point out that a gravel base would be a good idea. Although initially reluctant to add another step to the building process, the team eventually agreed with the idea. The turning point in the discussion came when Maxwell pointed out that a supply of gravel could be easily purloined from the construction site of Serenity Terrace, a new cul-de-sac being built adjacent to the Sack.

Oscar and Weed were then dispatched with wheelbarrows to the nearby construction site. Jeff Christ refused to partake in the unauthorized removal of the gravel. Maxwell, of course, said he couldn't possibly assist in any form of heavy lifting, on account of tissue damage in his painting shoulder.

***

After laying the gravel base, assembly of the garden shed began in earnest.

Within an hour, the base and four walls had been erected. After numerous attempts to affix the roof to this structure, it was discovered that a key step in the assembly process had been omitted. As a result, the four walls had to be dismantled and the whole process had to begin anew.

Maxwell blamed the omission on the unnecessary complexity of the instructions. For his part in the mix-up, Weed blamed it on marijuana. Oscar said the problem was caused by Maxwell's poor literacy skills.

Jeff Christ said the setback was caused because no one, other than himself, had any interest in actually looking at the instructions.

***

Before resuming the assembly process, Oscar declared that a break was needed. The "dream team" proceeded to walk to the local coffee cathedral. After a round of coffee and maple sugar donuts, they returned to the work site.

That's when they discovered that the instructions for the assembly of the garden shed had disappeared.

Jeff Christ told me later that he believes the instructions likely were blown away into a distant yard. There was, after all, a strong breeze on that particular day. Oscar, however, thinks Weed hid the instructions "just to throw a wrench into things." Maxwell claimed they didn't need the "stupid thing" anyway.

Nevertheless, the assembly proceeded, as Oscar put it, "sans instructions."

***

For the next three hours, the four men toiled away on the shed. Jeff Christ described the process as "one step forward and two steps back."

At one point, Computer Doug joined the group. His appearance did not, in any way, accelerate their progress. This is because Computer Doug is genetically incapable of building or repairing anything other than computers.

Nevertheless, Computer Doug remained with the "dream team" until the project was completed. Later, Oscar learned that Computer Doug's kids were hosting a play date with a trio of Ritalin-infused, school chums at the time. Apparently, he told his wife, Marion that Oscar was in dire need of his assistance in erecting the garden shed.

***

It was dark by the time the assembly of the shed was completed. Flashlights were needed to complete the final steps.

In the end, there was some dispute as to whether the shed had been correctly assembled. Jeff Christ pointed out that there were several pieces of hardware left over. But Maxwell argued that manufacturers always give more hardware than necessary, "just to be on the safe side."

There was also the matter of the shed door. Apparently, it didn't close properly. A great deal of pushing and pulling was required to close the door. The same effort was required to open it.

But with a light showering of snow flurries in the air, Oscar declared the assembly to be a success. He said it didn't matter if the quality of the job was good. Instead, it only mattered that their work had been "good enough."

***

At about nine o'clock in the morning, following the arrival of the remnants of Hurricane Noel, your agent's cell phone rang. I almost missed the call because of the noise emanating from Big Doug's house. Unwilling to accept a temporary loss of power, he was running his recently-acquired generator at the top of his driveway. The rumbling of its motor reverberated throughout the Sack.

Big Doug, of course, is not a man to go without his Sunday morning bacon and eggs under any circumstance.

When I finally picked up the phone, Oscar unleashed a torrent of complaints about Big Doug and his generator. Then he ranted for a while about Gordon and his SUV-washing ways. Finally, he asked if I could pop over to his house for a moment.

I said I would be there in a jiffy.

***

Oscar was standing in front of his house when I arrived. He motioned for me to follow him into the backyard.

When I caught a full glimpse of the yard, I was temporarily lost for words. Oscar's garden shed seemed to have imploded during the onslaught of the post-tropical storm. The two main roof parts were flung in distant, yet separate parts of the yard. The grey walls were lying on the ground amidst the base of the shed. On the base stood a barbeque and a partially-filled hockey equipment bag. These were the only items he had managed to put into the shed after it was erected. Neither item had been located in the garage. It remained filled with Oscar's cartons, curiosities and other "crap."

Oscar said he still hadn't got around to cleaning out the garage, despite the existence of the shed. Given the destruction in the yard, he said this was quite fortuitous.

The hockey equipment bag belonged to Dorian. Some of the gear had been torn from the bag and was also strewn about the yard. I saw an elbow pad lodged in a piece of shrubbery. Everything, of course, was covered with the pulpy leaf debris created by the storm.

It was, to say the least, an unholy mess.

***

"So," Oscar said calmly, "can you help me clean this mess up?"

I looked at him for a moment, still taking in the state of his yard and the remnants of his recently-acquired garden shed.

"I'll buy you a coffee and a maple sugar donut when the power comes back on," he added quickly.

"Of course," I replied, stooping to pick up one of the shed walls. "So where do you want to put this stuff?"

"Well," he answered, with a grin on his face, "I think we're gonna have to put it all in the garage."

***