So far, Sack observers have seen very little of the new residents. Blankets cover their second floor windows. Although their driveway has been shoveled following our frequent snowfalls, no one has actually seen them do it. Oscar says they must be shoveling in the middle of the night.
When the couple arrives in the Sack, they drive their vehicle directly into their garage. No one has yet to see the couple use the front door. Already, Oscar is concocting theories about this. Most of these involve international intrigue, money laundering and being on the lam.
Weed, however, says there is only one thing we can be sure about so far. During his brief glimpses of the male half of the couple, his worst fears have been confirmed.
"The guy doesn't look anything like a Doug," he said wistfully.
***
It's time to report the winner of the 2008 Doug of the Year (DOTY) award. Before doing so, some words of explanation are in order for the uninitiated.Until recently, there were four men named Doug living in the Sack. Now there are only three. Big Doug, Little Doug and Computer Doug compose the Sack's current Doug population.
By any measure, that's still a lot of Dougs in one suburban cul-de-sac.
Last September, the fourth Doug (Rental Doug) moved away. About eight years ago, there was also another Doug. His name was Doug That Moved. You can probably figure out on your own, how he got that particular moniker.
Some people also note the existence of yet another Doug in the Sack. This is a controversial subject. Weed's son is now four-years-old. Since birth, he has been known as Baby Doug by a handful of Sack residents. His formal name is actually Owen Douglas.
In the "real" world, everyone else knows Baby Doug as Owen. Sack purists believe that middle names shouldn't count unless one uses that name all the time.
In the Sack, we take our Dougs very seriously.
Some people also note the existence of yet another Doug in the Sack. This is a controversial subject. Weed's son is now four-years-old. Since birth, he has been known as Baby Doug by a handful of Sack residents. His formal name is actually Owen Douglas.
In the "real" world, everyone else knows Baby Doug as Owen. Sack purists believe that middle names shouldn't count unless one uses that name all the time.
In the Sack, we take our Dougs very seriously.
***
Given the significant number of Dougs in the Sack, it's no surprise that an annual award would be conceived.
The Doug of the Year award (DOTY) is bestowed each year to the Doug that stands out the most amongst his peers. In some cases, the award is given in recognition of some special skill or achievement. More often, however, it's given to the Doug who amuses us the most.
Although we take our Dougs seriously in the Sack, we prefer it when they don't take themselves seriously.
The Doug of the Year award (DOTY) is bestowed each year to the Doug that stands out the most amongst his peers. In some cases, the award is given in recognition of some special skill or achievement. More often, however, it's given to the Doug who amuses us the most.
Although we take our Dougs seriously in the Sack, we prefer it when they don't take themselves seriously.
***
The 2008 version of the DOTY award marked the ninth year of the selection. For those with interest in such matters, here are the previous winners:
2000 - Doug That Moved - Often regarded as the Pete Best of the Dougs, he won the award for doing the very thing that earned him that particular moniker. He moved.
2001 - Little Doug - Acknowledged for his ability to fix stuff and an unfailing willingness to do this for others.
2002 - Big Doug - Recognized for his impossibly green lawn and his manic snow shoveling abilities.
2003 - Little Doug - The Sack's first two-time DOTY award winner, Little Doug was primarily recognized for unintentionally hitting Gordon (the grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society) in the ass with a golf ball.
2004 - Computer Doug - Twice in one year, he saw U2 in concert. This was hardly impressive to your agent, but Oscar and Weed regarded it as notable.
2005 - Rental Doug - Recognized for being an all-round decent fellow and being in cahoots with Satan.
2006 - Little Doug - His third victory - A continuous series of unintentional, yet comic antics earned him the award. Oscar said the win guaranteed Little Doug's eventual election into the yet-to-be-created Doug Hall of Fame.
2007 - Little Doug - A questionable fourth win and the first back-to-back victory. Completing renovations on Oscar's house and supplying moose meat pie to Weed may have influenced the decision.
According to custom, the 2008 DOTY award was determined following Oscar's Boxing Day brunch. The dining room table was cleared and our respective sleeves were rolled up.
While the usual conflict ensued, there was something everyone could agree on. The Sack's Doug population was decidedly dull during 2008. While each had their moments, none really stood head and shoulders above the rest. Oscar says this was because we have an aging Doug population. He could be right about this.
Nevertheless, a DOTY award winner must be selected. With his typical eloquence, Weed characterized our task as follows: "We just have to pick the Doug that sucked the least this year."
So that's what we did.
Both Oscar and Weed are often indebted to Little Doug in some way. Oscar's house, for example, remains standing only because of Little Doug's renovation and home maintenance skills. Weed, on the other hand, is betrothed to Little Doug's daughter, Daisy. Along with Baby Doug, they've been living rent-free at Little Doug's house for some time.
This year, however, Oscar and Weed were quick to reject Little Doug as the DOTY award winner. While he continued to amuse us with his forays into the dating world, his hapless run of bad luck and unfailing good nature, Oscar argued that Little Doug was just a little too predictable in 2008.
"When was the last time the guy took a decent tumble from a ladder?" he asked pointedly.
"That's right," added Weed, "and he didn't lose his dentures once this year."
Your agent, however, noted that Little Doug did capture our attention with several recent events. I pointed to his infamous "toe-to-toe" conflict with Gordon's new girlfriend, Gordette, following her unfortunate crash into the side of his pick-up truck. There was also Little Doug's recent relationship with Amandazon to consider. Unfortunately, Oscar and Weed remained steadfast on their opinion.
"Little Doug was too predictable this year," said Oscar flatly.
"That's right," said Weed again. "He lacked pizzazz."
For the ninth consecutive year, Big Doug maintained an unwavering commitment to lawn care and home maintenance. His fervent attention to snow removal was also in evidence. More important, he continued his unbroken practice of saying, "arse" whenever describing the human bum. Not once did he say "ass."
"The guy is a model of discipline, consistency and the Protestant work ethic," I argued.
"Pshaw," said Oscar flatly. "Boring and predictable. You can set your watch by the guy. Besides, I think he's Catholic."
"Perhaps," your agent replied, "but there's something impressive about his consistency in being boring and predictable. You've got to admire that in a person."
Weed looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "Well, he did stomp all over the flag on Canada Day."
"That's because it was on fire," said Oscar dismissively.
"You're the one who set it on fire," argued Weed.
Oscar waved his hand in the air. "That was an accident. It was boring and predictable that Big Doug would be the one to put it out."
2000 - Doug That Moved - Often regarded as the Pete Best of the Dougs, he won the award for doing the very thing that earned him that particular moniker. He moved.
2001 - Little Doug - Acknowledged for his ability to fix stuff and an unfailing willingness to do this for others.
2002 - Big Doug - Recognized for his impossibly green lawn and his manic snow shoveling abilities.
2003 - Little Doug - The Sack's first two-time DOTY award winner, Little Doug was primarily recognized for unintentionally hitting Gordon (the grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society) in the ass with a golf ball.
2004 - Computer Doug - Twice in one year, he saw U2 in concert. This was hardly impressive to your agent, but Oscar and Weed regarded it as notable.
2005 - Rental Doug - Recognized for being an all-round decent fellow and being in cahoots with Satan.
2006 - Little Doug - His third victory - A continuous series of unintentional, yet comic antics earned him the award. Oscar said the win guaranteed Little Doug's eventual election into the yet-to-be-created Doug Hall of Fame.
2007 - Little Doug - A questionable fourth win and the first back-to-back victory. Completing renovations on Oscar's house and supplying moose meat pie to Weed may have influenced the decision.
***
Selecting the DOTY award winner is usually a fractious affair. Disagreement among the trio of judges (Oscar, Weed and your agent) is common. Skullduggery and hidden agendas often rule the day. This is why the DOTY award is only slightly more credible than the Golden Globe Awards.According to custom, the 2008 DOTY award was determined following Oscar's Boxing Day brunch. The dining room table was cleared and our respective sleeves were rolled up.
While the usual conflict ensued, there was something everyone could agree on. The Sack's Doug population was decidedly dull during 2008. While each had their moments, none really stood head and shoulders above the rest. Oscar says this was because we have an aging Doug population. He could be right about this.
Nevertheless, a DOTY award winner must be selected. With his typical eloquence, Weed characterized our task as follows: "We just have to pick the Doug that sucked the least this year."
So that's what we did.
***
Little Doug is a four-time winner of the DOTY award. He has also garnered the honour for the last two years. While he's certainly deserving of accolades, his relationship with the judges often clouds the decision-making process.Both Oscar and Weed are often indebted to Little Doug in some way. Oscar's house, for example, remains standing only because of Little Doug's renovation and home maintenance skills. Weed, on the other hand, is betrothed to Little Doug's daughter, Daisy. Along with Baby Doug, they've been living rent-free at Little Doug's house for some time.
This year, however, Oscar and Weed were quick to reject Little Doug as the DOTY award winner. While he continued to amuse us with his forays into the dating world, his hapless run of bad luck and unfailing good nature, Oscar argued that Little Doug was just a little too predictable in 2008.
"When was the last time the guy took a decent tumble from a ladder?" he asked pointedly.
"That's right," added Weed, "and he didn't lose his dentures once this year."
Your agent, however, noted that Little Doug did capture our attention with several recent events. I pointed to his infamous "toe-to-toe" conflict with Gordon's new girlfriend, Gordette, following her unfortunate crash into the side of his pick-up truck. There was also Little Doug's recent relationship with Amandazon to consider. Unfortunately, Oscar and Weed remained steadfast on their opinion.
"Little Doug was too predictable this year," said Oscar flatly.
"That's right," said Weed again. "He lacked pizzazz."
***
Despite your agent's best efforts, Big Doug did not make the grade for the DOTY award either.Of course, Oscar and Weed have their own reasons for denying Little Doug a third consecutive DOTY award.
Both were miffed that Little Doug did not make any moose meat pie for the holiday season this year. It didn't matter that he was busy fixing the siding that blew off Oscar's house following a nasty pre-Christmas storm.
"C'mon, man," said Oscar defensively, "he had the moose meat in his freezer. I saw it myself."
"That's right," said Weed, for the third time. "If you've got the moose meat, you've gotta make the pie."
Weed, of course, is a big fan of moose meat pie. But he also had another reason for voting against his de facto father-in-law. Starting in February, Weed and Daisy will pay rent to Little Doug for their accommodations. Nevertheless, Weed was quick to refute this as a factor in his DOTY decision.
"Paying rent is only fair," he said firmly, "but moose meat pie is another matter entirely."
Both were miffed that Little Doug did not make any moose meat pie for the holiday season this year. It didn't matter that he was busy fixing the siding that blew off Oscar's house following a nasty pre-Christmas storm.
"C'mon, man," said Oscar defensively, "he had the moose meat in his freezer. I saw it myself."
"That's right," said Weed, for the third time. "If you've got the moose meat, you've gotta make the pie."
Weed, of course, is a big fan of moose meat pie. But he also had another reason for voting against his de facto father-in-law. Starting in February, Weed and Daisy will pay rent to Little Doug for their accommodations. Nevertheless, Weed was quick to refute this as a factor in his DOTY decision.
"Paying rent is only fair," he said firmly, "but moose meat pie is another matter entirely."
***
For the ninth consecutive year, Big Doug maintained an unwavering commitment to lawn care and home maintenance. His fervent attention to snow removal was also in evidence. More important, he continued his unbroken practice of saying, "arse" whenever describing the human bum. Not once did he say "ass."
"The guy is a model of discipline, consistency and the Protestant work ethic," I argued.
"Pshaw," said Oscar flatly. "Boring and predictable. You can set your watch by the guy. Besides, I think he's Catholic."
"Perhaps," your agent replied, "but there's something impressive about his consistency in being boring and predictable. You've got to admire that in a person."
Weed looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "Well, he did stomp all over the flag on Canada Day."
"That's because it was on fire," said Oscar dismissively.
"You're the one who set it on fire," argued Weed.
Oscar waved his hand in the air. "That was an accident. It was boring and predictable that Big Doug would be the one to put it out."
Your agent tried to argue further that Big Doug's proclivity for the word "arse" was deserving of the DOTY award. Oscar, however, wouldn't budge.
"He called me an arsehole three times this year," he sniffed.
"Only three times?" asked Weed. "I can't believe it wasn't more than that."
"He called me an arsehole three times this year," he sniffed.
"Only three times?" asked Weed. "I can't believe it wasn't more than that."
***
There was some debate about whether Rental Doug should even be considered for the 2008 DOTY award. Oscar argued that he wasn't a Sack resident on December 31 and, therefore, shouldn't be eligible for the honour. Weed, however, noted that Doug That Moved won the inaugural DOTY award in 2000.
"The guy moved in July that year," he pointed out.
Unconvinced, Oscar said it was high time that we established some firm rules around eligibility for the DOTY award. He said it was no wonder the DOTY lacked the respectability of the Nobel Prize.
"You're just holding a grudge against the guy," said Weed, "just because he was in cahoots with Satan." Oscar, of course, was quite convinced that Rental Doug was a follower of Beelzebub.
Further debate ensued on this question. In the end, it was agreed that Rental Doug would be considered for the DOTY award. Weed successfully argued that it would be a human rights violation to discriminate against someone just because of his relationship with Satan.
Apparently, however, it's still acceptable to discriminate against someone who fails to make moose meat pie for the Christmas holidays.
"The guy moved in July that year," he pointed out.
Unconvinced, Oscar said it was high time that we established some firm rules around eligibility for the DOTY award. He said it was no wonder the DOTY lacked the respectability of the Nobel Prize.
"You're just holding a grudge against the guy," said Weed, "just because he was in cahoots with Satan." Oscar, of course, was quite convinced that Rental Doug was a follower of Beelzebub.
Further debate ensued on this question. In the end, it was agreed that Rental Doug would be considered for the DOTY award. Weed successfully argued that it would be a human rights violation to discriminate against someone just because of his relationship with Satan.
Apparently, however, it's still acceptable to discriminate against someone who fails to make moose meat pie for the Christmas holidays.
***
Rental Doug, of course, was a formidable candidate for the DOTY award. After all, he made a yeoman effort to purchase Burning Manor from Dirk and Dora during 2008. In fact, he made numerous forays into the depths of Burning Manor in his quest to buy the place.
Rental Doug was also the first to provide detailed reports on the state of the infamous house, including his observations of Dirk's wall-o'-beer cases, Dora's purple bong and the fist-sized hole in the wall in the front hallway.
"The guy has been into the deepest recesses of Burning Manor," said Weed with enthusiasm. "He's like the Francis Drake of suburbia."
Oscar, however, dismissed Weed's argument with the wave of his hand. He said Rental Doug required no particular courage to plumb the depths of Burning Manor.
"If you're already in cahoots with Satan," he said dismissively, "what could you possibly be afraid of?"
Rental Doug was also the first to provide detailed reports on the state of the infamous house, including his observations of Dirk's wall-o'-beer cases, Dora's purple bong and the fist-sized hole in the wall in the front hallway.
"The guy has been into the deepest recesses of Burning Manor," said Weed with enthusiasm. "He's like the Francis Drake of suburbia."
Oscar, however, dismissed Weed's argument with the wave of his hand. He said Rental Doug required no particular courage to plumb the depths of Burning Manor.
"If you're already in cahoots with Satan," he said dismissively, "what could you possibly be afraid of?"
***
Unrelated to Satan, unable to make moose meat pie and completely lacking in any gainful employment: These were the qualities that brought Computer Doug onto the main stage as the winner of the 2008 DOTY award.
Computer Doug certainly enhanced his reputation this year as someone who seems almost dazed by his own existence. At times, he appeared confounded by the fact that he resides in a suburban cul-de-sac along with a spouse and two small children. Since losing his job this fall, he seems increasingly like someone who just woke up to discover this. He's rarely seen these days wearing anything other than pajama bottoms, a flimsy T-shirt and his bear-claw slippers. Oscar said he saw him shoveling snow in that same get-up prior to Christmas.
Overall, however, Computer Doug was awarded the DOTY due to his recent loss of employment. He was the first Sack resident to be directly affected by the world's economic downturn.
As Computer Doug described it, his employer went "tits up." This was the second consecutive time he had lost his job due to this condition. As a result, the judges acknowledged that Computer Doug remains as a useful measuring stick of the health of the North American economy.
"Computer Doug," said Oscar, "is like a canary in a coal mine. When he goes down for the count, you know trouble's on the way."
"That's right," echoed Weed.
"Okay," replied your agent. "I'm getting tired of talking about this anyway."
Despite the brisk winter weather, I decided to investigate the source of the noise. I found it hard to believe that anyone would be toiling on home maintenance affairs on the day after Christmas.
At the side of Oscar's house, however, I found Little Doug high atop a ladder. He was repairing the siding on his neighbour's home.
"I thought you fixed that already?" I asked.
"Yeah," said Little Doug. "But I noticed a piece that was still loose."
"That's very nice of you," I replied. "But if I were you, I'd get off that ladder and go relax for a while."
"Yeah, I know," said Little Doug, with a chuckle. "I just have one more thing to do after this and then I'm going for a nap."
"Good," I answered. "What else do you have to do?"
Little Doug chuckled again from atop the ladder. "I gotta make some moose meat pie. I'll never hear the end of it from Oscar and Weed, if I don't."
Computer Doug certainly enhanced his reputation this year as someone who seems almost dazed by his own existence. At times, he appeared confounded by the fact that he resides in a suburban cul-de-sac along with a spouse and two small children. Since losing his job this fall, he seems increasingly like someone who just woke up to discover this. He's rarely seen these days wearing anything other than pajama bottoms, a flimsy T-shirt and his bear-claw slippers. Oscar said he saw him shoveling snow in that same get-up prior to Christmas.
Overall, however, Computer Doug was awarded the DOTY due to his recent loss of employment. He was the first Sack resident to be directly affected by the world's economic downturn.
As Computer Doug described it, his employer went "tits up." This was the second consecutive time he had lost his job due to this condition. As a result, the judges acknowledged that Computer Doug remains as a useful measuring stick of the health of the North American economy.
"Computer Doug," said Oscar, "is like a canary in a coal mine. When he goes down for the count, you know trouble's on the way."
"That's right," echoed Weed.
"Okay," replied your agent. "I'm getting tired of talking about this anyway."
***
With the DOTY deliberations concluded, I bounded down the steps of Oscar's house. When I reached the street, I heard a faint banging noise from the side of his place.Despite the brisk winter weather, I decided to investigate the source of the noise. I found it hard to believe that anyone would be toiling on home maintenance affairs on the day after Christmas.
At the side of Oscar's house, however, I found Little Doug high atop a ladder. He was repairing the siding on his neighbour's home.
"I thought you fixed that already?" I asked.
"Yeah," said Little Doug. "But I noticed a piece that was still loose."
"That's very nice of you," I replied. "But if I were you, I'd get off that ladder and go relax for a while."
"Yeah, I know," said Little Doug, with a chuckle. "I just have one more thing to do after this and then I'm going for a nap."
"Good," I answered. "What else do you have to do?"
Little Doug chuckled again from atop the ladder. "I gotta make some moose meat pie. I'll never hear the end of it from Oscar and Weed, if I don't."
***
