Pump Down the Volume

Noise is a matter of great and frequent debate in The Sack.

There are two kinds of noise that bend noses (and ears) out of shape: Noise from within The Sack and noise generated from the outside world.

Today, we lend an ear to a particular noise inside The Sack.

***

Ben and Norma are a delightful couple who live in The Sack. Everyone likes Ben and Norma.

But there is one thing about them which drives people to distraction. Ben and Norma are the proud owners of the world's loudest and most powerful central vacuum system. Oscar has it on good authority that their vacuum is powered by an engine from a Boeing 767 passenger jet.

***

Making Matters Worse (Part I) - The vacuum motor is vented outside of Ben and Norma's house. When it's running, it sounds like The Sack is about to become an emergency landing strip for a wayward Air Canada jet.

Making Matters Worse (Part II) - Norma, it seems, is prolific when it comes to vacuuming. She does it often and for long periods. If there was a Nobel Prize for vacuuming, she would be on her way to Stockholm to accept it.

***

Oscar claims that Ben and Norma have carpet on their walls and ceilings. He says he's been in their house and saw it with his own eyes. If this is true, then Rental Doug is surely Satan's second cousin.

***

Sack residents have made passive, joking comments to Ben and Norma about their robust vacuum.

Ben simply jokes about Norma's enthusiasm for vacuuming: "It's her therapy. It's just her way of coping with stress."

Norma works in a library. One can only imagine a library in the most desolate part of the old town. Every day, Norma must be caught in the crossfire, as competing street gangs battle for control of the periodicals.

***

Ben has made only one appearance on the show hosted by me and Oscar. Every time Ben said something, Oscar pretended he couldn't hear very well and asked Ben to repeat himself. Finally, Ben asked if there was something wrong with his hearing.

Oscar looked surprised for a moment and then removed a pair of plugs from his ears.

"Sorry," Oscar said, "Norma was vacuuming earlier and I forgot to take these out."

Ben just laughed and agreed that his vacuum was very loud. Then he started talking about something else.

***

Norma's favourite time to vacuum is around ten o'clock in the evening.

During the summer months, this is the time when most Sack kids have to go home. Since most kids don't wear watches, many parents tell their kids to come home as soon as they hear Norma's vacuum.

When Oscar and I are on our show, Norma's vacuum is the cue for our first intermission. This is when we replenish our drink supply and go to the bathroom.

***

Only time will tell whether Ben and Norma will get rid of their noisy vacuum.

Most Sack people won't directly tell each other when there's a problem. We're very passive that way. There are exceptions, of course, but they're very few.

It's more likely that someone will make an anonymous complaint to the city under a noise by-law. This wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened. Tomorrow, we'll blog about some of the more despicable things a few Sack residents have anonymously done to others.

***

Big Doug says he's prepared to buy Ben and Norma's powerful vacuum, if they're forced to get rid of it.

Apparently, he has plans to modify the motor for his lawn mower.

***

Burning Manor Update

Rumours are the spice of life in The Sack.

***

A truck from a restoration company pulls up in front of the charred remains of Burning Manor. Elizabeth is out of her house and speaking with the driver within seconds.

It seems the rumours about the restoration of Burning Manor are premature.

According to the driver from the restoration company, insurance issues are still unresolved. This likely means Dirk and Dora cannot plan their return to The Sack until the insurance company decides whether to pay out on their policy.

***

Elizabeth says the restoration company was here to remove the washer and dryer from the house. The driver says these items are the only ones that can be recovered from the damaged home.

While Elizabeth is hardly pacified by this latest news, she tells Mrs. Wonders that she is relieved that the rebuilding of Burning Manor is not imminent.

However, she still wants to tear a strip off Dirk.

***

Words of Wisdom

Oscar's boy, Dorian received an interesting assignment in his social studies class last week.

He was instructed to interview at least ten adults and ask them for advice that would lead him to success in life. Each adult had to give two separate pieces of advice. Then he was required to choose the two most common chunks of wisdom and write about it.

***

Dorian decides to interview adults in The Sack for his assignment.

Oscar brings Dorian's collection of Sack adult wisdom over to my house on the weekend. Our show is on hiatus due to the weather, so we take drink in my front room and review the list.

The most common pieces of wisdom are quite predictable: "Stay in School" and "Work Hard." This is what Dorian will have to write a dreary essay about.

***

As Oscar and I enjoy drink, we decide that a new list of collected wisdom from some Sack adults is required. So we add the following to Dorian's list:

Gordon:

(1) "The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Squeak loud and often."

(2) "Try to be the one in control of the grease. It will save you much time and energy."

Big Doug:

(1) "A healthy lawn means a healthy life."

(2) "Stay off my lawn, you little bugger, and you will live a long life."

Computer Doug:

(1) "For God's sake, don't ever buy a house. People will expect you to work your ass off decorating and fixing it all the time. Buy a condo, instead."

(2) "For God's sake, don't ever have kids. People will expect you to work your ass off feeding and looking after them. Get a cat, instead."

Little Doug:

(1) "Always use the right tool for the job."

(2) "Do not let Oscar borrow your tools because you will never have the right tool for the job when you need it."

Elizabeth:

(1) "Have a glass of wine every day. It's good for you!"

(2) "What were we talking about again?"

Rental Doug:

(1) "Give up your soul to Satan."

(2) "Actually, give it to me and I'll make sure he gets it."

Guy Wonders:

(1) "Always buy high-quality, comfortable shoes"

(2) "Always buy a high-quality, comfortable mattress. Replace it every five years. Do both of these things and very few things in life will bother you. Except, of course, if you drop out of school and don't work very hard. Then, you're screwed anyway.

Oscar:

(1) "Until you have your own income, always choose the least expensive route toward anything."

(2) "When you have your own income, always choose the most expensive route when buying things for your father.

***

At the Bus Stop

At times, The Sack can be a very odd place.

Of course, one does not have to travel too far away from The Sack to find other weird moments.

***

I decide to take the bus to work today. There is still a light drizzle falling in the old town, but it's an enjoyable kind of rain.

A woman is already standing at the bus stop located a few hundred yards away from The Sack. We exchange the usual morning pleasantries and complain politely to each other about the weekend weather. The woman doesn't live in The Sack, but just to prove the New Urbanism Movement wrong, I chat amiably with her while we await the bus.

***

A second woman soon joins us at the bus stop. She is dressed in the uniform of a well-known Canadian coffee shop. I deduce that she works the backshift at this 24 hour-a-day coffee cathedral.

The coffee shop woman is far more awake than either of us. She unloads a steady, pent-up stream of consciousness about her night at the coffee shop. The first woman begins to look anxiously for the bus. I simply nod at the coffee shop woman as if I've understood every word she has said.

***

Suddenly, the coffee shop woman gives me a light tap on the arm and exclaims, "You'll never guess what I heard yesterday!"

I tell her that I haven't the foggiest idea about what she heard yesterday.

"I heard from two old guys sitting outside the drug store that we're gonna get the worst winter storm in over 135 years! It's gonna happen sometime this winter, but I'm not sure when."

***

This is the second year in a row that I've heard this story. Last year, this rumour was floating around the old town so much, The Daily Snooze took it upon itself to soundly debunk the tale.

I consider telling the coffee shop woman this, but it's too early and I'm too disinterested. So I simply tell her I read recently that we're supposed to have a mild winter this year. My first companion at the bus stop pipes up and says she's read the same thing.

Coffee shop woman gives both of us a look of pity. She says, "Well, I heard it from two old people and they have a copy of the Farmers Almanac. So, it's definitely true."

***

Before anyone can say anything else, something very bizarre happens.

A man is riding down the street toward us on a bicycle. We notice him because he's sneezing very loudly as he rides. By the time he passes us, he has sneezed for about the seventh consecutive time.

His hands are on the handlebar and he makes no attempt to cover his nose or mouth. He continues to sneeze well after he passes the bus stop.

If he wasn't pedaling with his feet, I have no doubt the sneezing would have easily propelled him as far as he wished to go.

This was definitely one of the most curious things I've seen for some time.

***

Before any of us can react, the bus pulls into the stop. The bus is crowded and the three of us are easily separated. I am very thankful for this.

It's not even 7:30 in the morning and already I have met a caffeine-addled, backshift-working, coffee shop woman and witnessed a bicycle propelled by sneezes.

For this brief moment, The Sack seems quite a sane place after all.

***

Hot Wind

For a second straight day, The Sack has seen rain and high winds. Mrs. Wonders and I expected the power to go out, but it hasn't happened yet.

This is the second weekend in a row with nothing but rain. Normally, Sack residents would be milling about doing the usual pre-winter chores.

Instead, The Sack is quiet and remains in movie-set mode.

***

Gordon has fulfilled his role in organizing the next meeting of the Sack Residents' Society.

He has set up an email group and it looks like the second meeting of the Society will take place at his house in November.

Oscar says he's planning to send anonymous spam to the email group. He says he's been making up fake emails about penis enlargement and online college diplomas. He has yet to figure out how to send the emails without identifying himself.

Oscar is not particularly savvy about computers, so I don't expect his latest undercover, suburban anarchist ploy will get off the ground.

***

Reports from around The Sack suggest Gordon has been actively campaigning to be elected as the Society's chairperson.

Several folks have said he has come to their door asking about their interest in the position. When he learns they're not interested in running, he immediately asks for their support.

According to Computer Doug, Gordon is claiming that he has some "spectacular" ideas on how to make The Sack the "best darn neighbourhood around."

***

Gordon came to my door this afternoon and asked about my interest in being the Society's chairperson.

I told him that I would sooner consume my own bodily fluids than act as chairperson.

He looked very relieved.

***

Before he could deliver his election spiel, I informed Gordon that Oscar has reconsidered and is now planning to run for chairperson.

Disconcerted would be the best way to describe Gordon's reaction.

***

Of course, Oscar has said no such thing. But this will probably keep Gordon off balance for a little while longer.

***

More Loose Ends

It is raining steadily in The Sack today, therefore it's Saturday.

Nevertheless, we must locate our proverbial broom and sweep up the bits of loose news items that have transpired during the week.

***

I am pleased to report that Doo has successfully returned from his debut in organized hockey.

Despite the rain, he has been walking around The Sack wearing a bright orange hockey jersey, black hockey pants and bare legs. He has a hockey stick in his hands, but he's carrying it over his shoulder as if marching off to war.

I'm not quite sure what he's doing out there, because there are no other kids around.

***

Things remain very quiet on the Burning Manor front.

At least two weeks have passed without an appearance by Dirk or Dora. The last bit of news suggested that Burning Manor would be torn down and rebuilt very soon. There has been no indication so far, that this will occur.

Elizabeth informed me that Dirk is claiming that two people were arrested for setting Burning Manor ablaze. She heard this information from Ben and Norma.

Oscar and I are doubtful about this. We would have expected to read about it in The Daily Snooze or The Chronically Horrid.

***

Oscar has been trying to find out the web address for Gordon's webcam. Despite admonishment from his wife, B.W. and Mrs. Wonders, Oscar wants to renew our plan to place a threatening mannequin on Gordon's driveway.

Oscar wants me to go over to Gordon's house with him to talk about the Sack Residents' Society. While we're there, he wants to ask Gordon to show us the website, on the grounds that both of us are interested in setting up our own webcams.

I asked Oscar why he can't simply do this himself.

He confessed that his eyesight has deteriorated to the point that he won't be able to read the web address on Gordon's computer. Oscar has needed reading glasses for the last two years, but stubbornly refuses to get his eyes checked.

Oscar says this will be our first clandestine mission in our roles as undercover suburban anarchists.

I told Oscar that Mrs. Wonders and I will be too busy over the weekend. But I have offered him the use of my reading glasses.

***

Little Doug's broken ribs are healing nicely. He dropped by our show the other night for a quick guest appearance.

He had justed returned from the hospital. Earlier in the day, he slipped on his wet front steps and broke his wrist. Now he has a big white cast on his left arm. And two broken ribs.

Oscar and I were in stitches.

***

Several Sack homes have been adorned with Halloween decorations.

Florence has a big pumpkin on her porch. She says it's more of a "celebration of autumn" than a Halloween decoration.

Unfortunately, Florence says that young Doo has come to her door several times asking for candy. She has tried to explain to him that it's not Halloween yet, but Doo keeps pointing at her pumpkin.

***

Rental Doug was the first resident to put up Halloween decorations. He has placed a small skeleton on his front door. There are also various decorations on his front window.

Oscar says this is a sure sign that Rental Doug is in cahoots with Satan. He wants to reopen the debate about Rental Doug's name.

I told Oscar that if he could get some forensic evidence from the skeleton, I would be willing to reopen the debate.

***

The Iceboy Cometh

Many Canadians are passionate about the game of hockey. When children play organized hockey for the first time, it is a momentous occasion.

Mrs. Wonders and I don't have children, but we have seen this rite of passage occur with extended family and friends. Both of us have gone through this when we were kids, as well.

There have been a few times where we've heard about Sack kids playing hockey for the first time. Their parents, of course, were thrilled.

***

Oscar was elated when his son began to play hockey.

He says he's enjoying how much his son likes to play. But he hopes Dorian won't be too good at the game. When kids excel at hockey, Oscar points out, it starts to become a very expensive sport.

It looks like Doo's mom won't have to worry about this.

***

Mrs. Wonders was chatting with Doo's mom the other day.

Apparently, Doo will start hockey on Saturday. This means that his hockey/bike helmet has been repaired and will be of use, after all.

Doo's mom says her son is "rarin' to go". Even though he's never put on a pair of skates, Doo can't wait to get out there.

***

I ran into Doo this afternoon, when I arrived home from work.

He was playing road hockey with another little Sack kid. Actually, the pair of them were standing around wearing their helmets and holding their hockey sticks. There wasn't a ball or a net to be seen.

***

I walked over to Doo and asked if he was excited about playing hockey tomorrow.

He nodded his head quickly and then said something unintelligible. Waiting lists for speech therapy in the old town are quite long.

I told Doo that he should expect to have a great deal of fun. He responded with a big smile and said, "I'm gonna bwake my schtick over everybody's head!"

***

Then Doo performed a rehearsal for his big hockey debut tomorrow. He swung his hockey stick at shoulder height and performed a complete 360 degree turn.

As he swung his stick, he said, "Kapow, Kapow!"

***

Mrs. Wonders noticed me speaking with Doo from our front window. She asked why he was swinging his hockey stick like a machete.

I told her Doo is planning to go out for Halloween dressed as a Japanese samurai.

***

Meanwhile, I've said a silent prayer that someone at the local hockey rink has their first aid training up to date.

I think they'll probably need it tomorrow.

***

This Won't End Well

The Sack is decidedly suburban and middle-class. We live a privileged existence in many ways, particularly from a material perspective.

I grew up in low-income, subsidized apartments. Our home in The Sack is the first house I've ever lived in. Even though we've been here for more than six years, I still have moments where I think someone is going to burst in and say, "Alrighty now, what do you think you're doing here? Get your stuff and get out!"

So one could say that I'm relatively content with my surroundings. Certainly, life is more complicated than I'd like it to be, but it could be much, much worse.

But are the residents who live on this leafy, modern street really happy?

From an observer's position, it can be difficult to tell. Happiness and contentment, I suppose, are a matter of individual perspective and experience.

Sometimes, however, there are rather obvious signs that all is not well.

***

Oscar reports that a particular house in The Sack is poised to undergo a major meltdown in the very near future.

Recently, Oscar converted his dining room into a television room. The window in this room faces a window next door. He says he's been hearing regular, profanity-laced arguments coming from his neighbour's home.

According to Oscar, the arguments have become more frequent and more intense over the last three weeks. It's getting to the point, Oscar says, where he's spending "way too much time" in his new television room.

***

Living next door to Oscar is the Bitterman family.

Oscar has what he calls a "driveway relationship" with the Bittermans. The only interaction they have is when they're entering or leaving their homes. Despite Oscar's charm, this is as intimate as their relationship is going to get.

Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman seem like very nice people. They're friendly, but distant. They have little contact with others in The Sack, but they're cordial when they need to be.

I have no trouble with this at all. In fact, all things considered, they seem to be very good neighbours.

***

Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman have two adult children, Jason and Britney. Jason is around twenty-one and Britney is a few years older.

Britney lived away from home for a few years. Sack sources say she moved back after breaking up with her boyfriend. Apparently, it was quite a spectacular break-up. I'm told that there were restraining orders involved.

Since returning home, it seems that things have not gone well for Britney. She was the young woman we talked about in a previous post, Not One of Her Better Days.

***

Oscar tells me that Britney's voice is usually at the centre of the arguments.

He says Britney is terribly profane and doesn't discriminate when it comes to which family member she'll argue with. Oscar says he's heard her do battle with each of parents and her brother. In one epic fight, according to Oscar, the whole family took the brunt of her wrath at the same time.

Britney, it seems, has quite a lot of anger.

***

It would be hard to know this if you only encountered Britney outside in The Sack.

She doesn't seem terribly bright, but she is friendly in a detached kind of fashion. The detachment, of course, might just be part of not being very bright.

***

Oscar says that Britney is perpetually on the brink of making a major life transition.

According to Mr. Bitterman, Britney is about to go back to school to complete her high school equivalency. Unfortunately, he's been telling Oscar this for the last two years.

So far, it hasn't happened.

***

Jason, the youngest Bitterman, is also reported to be on the precipice of a life change.

Oscar has been told that Jason is about to join the military. There have been numerous occasions over the past year, where Jason has been about to leave for basic training.

So far, this has happened, either.

***

Big Doug is a former military man. He's heard that Jason is about to join the military. Everytime he sees the young man, he gives him a crisp salute. Jason always returns the salute with a big smile.

For Big Doug's sake, one hopes that Jason will enlist one day.

***

It could simply be Mr. Bitterman's best hope that his children will make these particular life changes. Perhaps they have no intention of doing so.

Either way, Mr. Bitterman has aged considerably over the last few years. Mrs. Bitterman has put on quite a lot of weight, too. Oscar says her hair always seems to be wet, as if she can't stop sweating. I've told Oscar that this could be related to menopause, but he remains doubtful.

***

Oscar is predicting that a climax to the arguments is on the horizon. He doesn't think there will be any violence involved, but he does think the Bitterman family woes will soon be laid bare to the rest of The Sack.

"I think", Oscar says, "there will be a peeler visit by Christmas."

Only time will tell, but we'll be sure to let you know what happens next.

***

Singing in the Rain

It has been raining for three straight days in the old town. The weather folks say we've had well over one hundred millimetres of rain.

The Sack has been very quiet. Cars come and go infrequently. A few Sack kids have been seen running from one house to the other.

Despite the rain, however, it has been unseasonably warm. It doesn't really feel like autumn, at all. Even though the leaves are changing colour, lawns in The Sack remain a healthy green.

For three days, it seems like The Sack has been taking a long, luxurious bath; a good time, one thinks, to reflect on events of the past.

***

We go back to an early summer Sunday at Burning Manor.

It's close to eleven o'clock in the morning and Mrs. Wonders and I enjoy coffee and newspapers on our back deck.

It is a glorious morning. The birds are plentiful at our feeders. And a small red squirrel, who Mrs. Wonders calls, Stevie, is making regular forays to dine on sunflower seeds.

This idyllic moment is suddenly shattered by a chorus of drunken voices. Mrs. Wonders and I look up from our newspapers and our eyes meet. In unison, we both mouth a silent expletive.

There is a deck party going on at Burning Manor.

***

Parties at Burning Manor were quite unique. They tended to begin early on a weekend morning and would fizzle out by mid-afternoon. It is widely believed that party-goers passed out by that time.

Sack theorists have concluded that the Burning Manor crowd prefers drinking at the tavern at night and at home during the day.

***

If one was ever to receive a written invitation to a Burning Manor party, it would probably read like this:

On Sunday, Dirk and Dora request the pleasure of your company at Burning Manor.

The festivities will begin at nine o'clock in the morning. Alcohol (and only alcohol) will be served in liberal quantities. To ensure sufficient stock, please bring your own ample supply.

Vomiting and spitting will be permitted in the backyard only, preferably in plain view of our unreasonable neighbours.

Drinking oneself to unconciousness is strongly encouraged. We are pleased to provide indoor floorspace for this purpose.

Ample parking is available on the street. Park on both sides of the road, so other cars will have difficulty getting by.

Please, cars built after 1995 are expressly prohibited. The ban on hubcaps will be strictly enforced.

RSVPs, whatever they are, are not required. If you find this invitation on the street somewhere, please feel free to come anyway. It doesn't matter if we have no idea who you are.

Okay, maybe the invitation wouldn't sound exactly like that, but you get the picture.

***

Soon after the drunken voices begin, Mrs. Wonders and I hear a very curious thing.

Amidst the voices, we suddenly hear the strumming of a guitar. This is the first time we've heard music associated with the Burning Manor crowd. For a brief moment, there is a sense of intrigue.

***

Momentarily, the voices become silent and only the guitar can be heard.

Then the assembled throng erupts in a garbled, out-of-tune rendition of The Eagles' Hotel California.

***

Mrs. Wonders and I are stupified. We glare at each other with painful looks on our faces. Neither of us have ever heard such a racket.

The birds, once so plentiful on our feeders, have flown off in all directions. Stevie, the squirrel, has fled to the top of a tree and is making a loud, angry clicking sound.

***

I have no trouble with The Eagles. I'm quite certain we have several of their CDs in the house. And Hotel California is not an objectionable song, by any measure.

But it's a song that should only be sung by those with a proven track record of entertaining others. Singing it alone in one's shower shouldn't be the only qualification for performing it in public.

***

The singing eventually reaches a painful conclusion. Mrs. Wonders and I have remained on our back deck, hopeful that this will be a one-song performance.

Sadly, the drunken souls begin to sing another song. Mrs. Wonders says it's a Bob Seger tune. If this is true, I believe Mr. Seger has a lot of explaining to do.

Before the song is over, Mrs. Wonders and I make a quick retreat from our back deck. We decide that today will be a front-porch kind of day.

***

A few hours pass and fortunately, the music has come to an end.

We sit on the front porch along with Oscar, his wife, G.W. and our next door neighbour, Florence. Everyone has heard the Burning Manor concert. Some people have even gone into Elizabeth's backyard to get a furtive, up-close view of the party.

As we discuss the morning's events, the distant sound of an emergency vehicle can be heard. The urgent sound seems to grow closer and closer to The Sack.

Suddenly, we see an ambulance move quickly into The Sack. It stops directly in front of Burning Manor.

***

The ambulance attendants proceed into Burning Manor.

After about five minutes, the front door opens and the attendants, flanked by Dirk and a few others, carefully manoeuvre a supremely obese, drunk woman down the front steps.

***

It soon becomes apparent that the woman is not pleased about ending her day at Burning Manor. As the group nears the back of the ambulance, she begins to thrash her arms about while making husky, unintelligible grunts.

The attendants retrieve a stretcher from the back of the ambulance, while Dirk and company try to restrain the woman.

A wrestling match begins as the attendants try to place her upon the stretcher. In the heat of battle, her sweat pants begin to fall toward her knees and her blouse becomes bunched at her neck.

It's a sight one would prefer not to see again.

***

Eventually, the woman is strapped onto the stretcher and muscled into the back of the ambulance. Dirk and his pals troop back into Burning Manor and the ambulance drives away.

On the porch, we sit in silence for a few moments, unsure if we actually witnessed this gruesome scene unfold in the pleasantness of The Sack.

***

Shortly, a group of people stumble from Burning Manor and climb into one of the dented, hubcap-free cars parked at the curb.

G.W., Oscar's wife, says, "At least they have the decency to go to the hospital to see how the poor woman is."

Everyone murmurs in agreement.

***

Fifteen minutes later, the car reappears in front of Burning Manor. The group departs from the car in a noisy, rambling fashion.

The driver and another fellow go to the trunk and open it. They retrieve two large cases of beer from the trunk and follow their buddies into the house.

***

Society of Fools

We understand that General William Tecumseh Sherman is credited with uttering the phrase, “war is hell.”

One wonders about Sherman’s take on meetings.

***

Meetings of a business nature do not result in the carnage associated with war. Rest assured, however, they do take their toll.

***

The inaugural Sack Residents' Association Meeting & Barbeque was greeted by rain and fog.

The meeting was to occur in The Sack’s centre circle. Word filtered around that the meeting would be held in Gordon’s garage, instead.

About fifteen people attended the meeting. Ben and Norma were the only couple to attend. Everyone else came as a representative of their household.

Oscar and I were there as undercover suburban anarchists.

***

It did not take long to discover that our fears of totalitarian rule would be unfounded.

Gordon and his followers are still intent on establishing rules, regulations and codes of conduct. But they are so focused on the minor details of organizing a residents' association that it should be many years before such matters are actually addressed.

Oscar says the residents' association will be an exercise in “herding cats.”

***

Inexplicably, Gordon began the meeting by introducing a logo for the association.

After an exhaustive search of web clipart sites, Gordon presented what he called “a bird of prey against the silhouette of the moon.” He said the logo would be used on the association’s letterhead and website.

Oscar almost spilled his drink when he heard Gordon mention a website.

***

Everyone agreed that the logo was impressive. The first vote of the association was unanimous.

I have a rudimentary knowledge of birds. And it’s unlikely that I will ever be honoured by The Audubon Society. But I am quite certain that the “bird of prey” which will adorn the residents' association logo is a turkey vulture.

I waited until the vote was complete before whispering to Oscar that The Sack was now represented pictorially by a turkey vulture. This time he actually spilled his drink.

***

The next item of business was introduced by Elizabeth.

She declared that a formal name for the association was needed. Gordon interjected that there was nothing wrong with “Residents’ Association.” There was a murmur of agreement from the floor.

Elizabeth, however, explained that something with more punch was needed. A Residents’ Association would be viewed by politicians and government departments as “amateurish” and “unsophisticated.”

Taking a delicate sip from her wine glass, Elizabeth looked around the garage and said we would be taken far more seriously if we were a “Residents’ Society.”

***

Some people were immediately taken by Elizabeth’s idea.

Little Doug said he would be thrilled to be part of a Society. He’s been in a few Associations before and a number of Unions, but never a Society.

Florence said she belongs to several Societies and has found them to be much more cohesive and effective than any Association she had belonged to.

Gordon, however, admitted that he had already ordered stationery adorned with "Residents’ Association" and the turkey vulture logo.

Forty-five minutes of debate ensued.

***

During the debate, a very curious thing happened.

Oscar had been uncharacteristically mute during the meeting. This, he explained later, was part of his undercover suburban anarchist persona.

However, he became quite vociferous during the debate about the name of The Sack’s new organization. He argued that we were allied in a common cause to protect the best interests of The Sack and its residents.

He strongly supported the notion of a Society, rather than an Association. There is a sense of strength, character and intellect in a Society, he claimed, that an Association could never aspire to.

In the end, his suggested name for the group was adopted by a narrow vote. Gordon was politely chastised for ordering stationery without prior agreement about a name. He agreed in a sullen tone to change the order on Monday.

***

The Sack’s governing body will now be known as the Sack Residents’ Society.

Later, I asked Oscar why he was so passionate about the name issue.

"A good suburban anarchist would argue against anything Gordon was in favour of."

***

Once the name issue was settled, Gordon talked about a website. He graciously offered the use of his web space, noting that his webcam would be on the site for everyone to access. He suggested that Computer Doug might be enlisted to design the site.

Computer Doug’s wife, Marion was present, but he wasn't.

Computer Doug told Oscar he had no interest in a residents’ group, because it could only mean more pressure to make his home look nicer. There was no way, he said, he would attend the inaugural meeting.

Marion told me it was also Computer Doug’s turn to look after their two children.

Marion told everyone she would speak to Computer Doug about designing a website for the Society. But, she warned, it had better not be a very time-consuming task, because Computer Doug is very good at avoiding things he should be doing at home.

***

Over ninety minutes had already passed before everyone started talking about issues. It was a long, rambling discussion with everyone ultimately complaining about the behaviour of people who weren’t at the meeting.

Little Doug eventually had a coughing fit and said he had to go. It was a very convincing performance. He was holding on to his broken ribs with each painful cough. Everyone was very sympathetic.

Oscar and I looked at each other knowingly. It was another subtle, graceful exit by Little Doug.

***

Things became a bit tense when Big Doug made a comment about kids in The Sack. Doo’s mother became defensive and asked him if he was talking about her Doo.

Big Doug said he was only talking in “generalities.”

Everyone knew he was talking specifically about Doo. Everyone also agreed with every word Big Doug said.

But others jumped in to reassure Doo’s mom that Big Doug wasn’t talking about Doo in particular. Elizabeth even remarked that Doo was “a lovely boy.”

On Friday night, Elizabeth dropped by our show and mentioned that she would love to “knock Doo’s block off” for riding his bike on her lawn.

***

Finally, Gordon seemed to realize that we were going nowhere in our discussion of issues. He suggested that we should begin formal discussions about the issues at the next meeting.

In the meantime, he said, we should agree on who would be the chairperson of the new Sack Residents’ Society. He added that he would be “more than pleased” to act in that capacity.

***

Oscar suggested that it would be more democratic if a vote was held.

Gordon seemed taken aback momentarily. Then he asked if Oscar wanted to put his name forward.

“No,” said Oscar quickly, “But I think Guy Wonders might be interested.”

It was at this point that I spilled Oscar’s drink.

***

In the end, it was agreed that the chairperson issue would be held over until the next meeting. Everyone was asked to think about whether they would like to put their name forward and a vote would be held then.

Gordon’s spirits were lifted a bit when he was asked to look after the scheduling of the next meeting. Email addresses were collected and he vowed to set up an email group forthwith.

***

Since the barbeque was cancelled due to weather, Oscar and I repaired to my front room for drink and a post-meeting analysis. He apologized for nominating me for the chairperson role, but explained that it would be the “ultimate infiltration” if I ran for election.

If we weren’t sitting in my front room, I told Oscar, I would happily spill his drink again.

***

Loose Ends

As we await the inaugural Sack Residents Association Meeting and Barbeque, we should dispense with an accumulation of mindless drivel from the past week.

***

All things considered, Rental Doug is proving to be a very good neighbour.

He and his wife purchased some large, brightly-coloured potted plants for their front steps. The children from his blended family seem to be well-mannered.

So far, so good.

***

Oscar dismisses my preliminary assessment of Rental Doug. He thinks it’s too early to judge whether Rental Doug is connected to the forces of Satan.

“And,” he adds, “I don’t really like the way he waves. I can’t put my finger on it, yet. But there’s something odd about it.”

I change the subject very quickly.

***

I’m told that young Doo has had a rough week at school.

He had three separate incidents, according to sources close to his mom. At the end of the school week, he received a “Green Form.”

Basically, a “Green Form” means that wee Doo will be in deep doo-doo, if he gets out of line again.

***

Sources say one of the incidents involved “eye-poking.”

I grew up watching The Three Stooges and have yet to poke anyone in the eye on purpose. Perhaps Doo should be introduced to The Stooges. I think Oscar might even have a DVD of theirs at home.

I’ve made a mental note to recommend this to Doo’s mom.

***

We learned something interesting about Mulva, the young Korean woman, this week.

According to Florence, Mulva is enjoying the old town very much. Perhaps, Florence says, even a bit too much.

Apparently, she’s been frequenting the bars and clubs favoured by the university crowd. Florence says Mulva seems to be very good at having fun. She is also adept at sleeping for almost twelve hours after a night on the town. Florence says she has yet to see her in the morning.

I have no trouble with any of this. I’d probably do the same, if I were in Mulva’s shoes.

***

Oscar and I saw Mulva on her way out of The Sack the other night.

When she first arrived in The Sack, Mulva was dressed like a twelve year-old girl. We hardly recognized her this time. Oscar says she even looks “hot.” I have no argument with this assessment.

***

Computer Doug has a new job.

He won’t be traveling as much anymore. Oscar says Computer Doug doesn’t seem to be too happy about the absence of traveling. It means he’ll have to find new ways of avoiding household maintenance activities.

***

Weather forecasters say we are in for a mild winter.

Big Doug mustn’t be aware of this. Or, perhaps, he doesn’t believe the forecast.

He was testing his back-up generator yesterday. He bought it after a nasty winter storm a few years ago. The storm was known locally as “White Juan.”

It was the February after Hurricane Juan. Almost one hundred centimeters of snow fell in twenty-four hours. The Sack was literally filled with snow. Perhaps we will blog about this some time.

Big Doug swore he’d never be without power again. Nor would his truck be trapped in his driveway.

***

So Big Doug is ready for winter action. His generator is in pristine condition. His shovels are clean and sturdy. All that’s missing is snow.

“Bring it on,” says Big Doug.

***

There is no news about Burning Manor to report. Dirk and Dora have not been seen in The Sack.

Elizabeth has been watching carefully for Dirk all week, but to no avail. She has enlisted Gordon to keep his eye out, as well.

Elizabeth wants to “tear a strip off” Dirk for planning to move back to The Sack. She has no interest in speaking with Dora.

Dora bites.

***

Oscar and I continue to deliberate on our strategy for the inaugural Sack Residents Association Meeting and Barbeque scheduled for Saturday.

We will be convening the Friday Night edition of our show tonight. This will be our lead topic.

***

Finally, Little Doug does not have a cracked rib, as first feared. Apparently, he has two broken ribs.

We have invited him to visit the show tonight and tell us more about it. We have promised not to laugh.

***

Political Party

The term, peace, order and good government is a long-held, basic tenet of Canadian society. It's a decent way to approach communal life and, generally speaking, it seems to work.

In The Sack, peace and order are highly valued. We're just not as sure about the good government thing.

***

The unthinkable has happened.

Mrs. Wonders went to lock the screen door last night and found a flyer tucked into the door handle.

The flyer announces the inaugural meeting of a Sack Residents Association. The meeting will be held outdoors on Saturday in the centre of The Sack. A barbeque is planned for after the meeting.

***

The proposed agenda for the meeting is listed on the flyer. Apparently, there are a number of issues affecting folks in The Sack. The agenda lists the following concerns:

• Noise


• Development


• Burning Manor


• Garbage


• Kids


• Parking


• Anything else that pisses you off.

Okay, I made up the last one. But it will likely be addressed at the meeting, anyway.

***

Gordon has been talking about a Residents Association for a long time. Now his plan is being put into action. The contact number on the flyer is Gordon’s.

Oscar and I, of course, are mortified. No good, he says, can come from organizing suburban people.

“They’re gonna make rules.” he says. “That’s the problem.”

***

We agree that an association could only be useful for one thing: To represent The Sack in matters that go on outside The Sack.

Outside matters would include development of adjacent land and its associated noise. And that’s all.

***

Gordon views it differently. So do some other residents. They’d like The Sack to have rules, regulations, standards and norms. They might also want a Sack constitution and a bill of wrongs.

Six months into The Sack’s future: Oscar has not left his house for several days. He had received four Sack Infraction Notices prior to this. He and I are in frequent, frenetic telephone contact.

He received his first infraction for having grass longer than the Residents Association limit. He got the second when he left his empty garbage cans at the curb for too long. The third was related to some uncollected dog poop.

After the third infraction, Oscar began walking about The Sack denouncing “President Gordon” in a loud voice. At the time, he was wearing a bath robe and carrying open drink.

This was how he earned the fourth infraction.

***

Oscar says he doesn’t recall the details of the last infraction. The dog poop, he says, did not come from his dog. He claims he can prove this “in a court of law.”

He refuses to acknowledge the first two infractions.

***

Oscar says he will soon be ready to leave his home again. He is busy planning a Sack Revolution.

He’s still putting the finishing touches on his manifesto.

“There’s a hockey game on tonight.” he whispers. “So the manifesto should be ready by supper time tomorrow.”

***

He asks if I will be his lieutenant in the struggle against the Residents Association.

I reply that I will gladly walk beside him. We will unite in the good fight.

But I have to work late tomorrow, I say, and Mrs. Wonders and I have a few things to do after that. When I’m finished, I utter confidently, he can depend on me.

***

So The Sack Residents Association Meeting and Barbeque will be held on Saturday. Oscar and I plan to attend.

Oscar thinks we have the chance to become “suburban anarchists”. If we infiltrate the Association, he claims we can quietly steer everyone toward free, respectful choice.

And at the very least, Oscar says, there will surely be free drink at the barbeque.

***

Splendor in the Grass

Grass is a very serious business in The Sack.

We refer, of course, to the type we place on the front, back and sides of our homes. We'll leave the other type of grass for another day.

***

Oscar and I hold a rare Sunday evening edition of our show. There is still daylight, but the sun is turning orange in the dusky sky.

Little Doug spies us from across the street and quickly becomes our first guest.

***

Little Doug is looking quite haggard. His face seems a bit flushed and he has a pained look upon it.

We remark about his appearance, so Little Doug tells us about a mishap.

***

Apparently, he was cutting his grass earlier in the day, when he noticed a loose piece of siding on his house.

While scaling a ladder to repair it, he slipped and fell from about eight feet.

He said he laid on the grass for about five minutes, trying to pull himself together. Then, young Doo ventured by and asked why Little Doug was "sweeping."

***

Little Doug has a nasty scrape on his elbow. He thinks he might have cracked a rib, too.

***

Oscar and I laugh uproariously at Little Doug's tale. Then we apologize for laughing. And then we laugh some more and finish with another apology.

Little Doug is one of the most good-natured people I've met. As we laugh about his fall, he joins in with a hearty laugh of his own. Unfortunately, the laughing causes pain in his cracked rib and he's forced to cut his visit short.

***

Oscar and I find ourselves without a guest. There are very few prospects moving about The Sack on this Sunday evening.

Then we see Weed, Little Doug's prospective son-in-law, drive into The Sack. We give him a welcoming wave, but he replies in pantomime from across the street with a polite refusal.

We conclude that Sunday evening is not a good time slot for our show.

***

As we amuse ourselves with talk of current affairs and miscellaneous Sack trivia, Oscar suddenly points across the street. Immediately, I see what has captured his attention.

***

Big Doug lives beside Gordon.

Big Doug's devotion to his lawn has been well-documented. Gordon, however, is the perennial contender for the honour of Best Lawn in The Sack.

Gordon works much harder at his lawn than Big Doug. But he seems to come up short every year.

Last year, Gordon came very close to perfection.

Sadly, a malfunctioning spreader caused a significant fertilizer burn on his front lawn. He put replacement sod on the afflicted area in a futile attempt at recovery. Big Doug successfully defended his title.

Of course, Big Doug's use of plutonium gives him a substantial edge. But Gordon doesn't know about this.

***

So, here's what Oscar and I see across the street.

Gordon and Big Doug are cutting their respective lawns at the same time. They are mowing in perfect sequence, with each seemingly unaware of the other.

As Gordon moves toward the back of his house, so does Big Doug. Momentarily, both reappear in perfect tandem as they proceed toward the front of their houses. When each begins to mow his front lawn, they remain in harmony.

It's an extraordinary sight to behold. Oscar and I are witnessing suburban ballet.

***

"Music.", says Oscar. "We need music."

I dash into the house and grab our mini-stereo. Mrs. Wonders is on the phone and gives me a quizzical look.

Among a sea of CDs, I pick up the first classical music I see. It turns out to be Vivaldi's, Four Seasons.

***

Back on the show, the music begins.

Big Doug and Gordon are still mowing. They've fallen a bit out of sequence, but the music makes this irrelevant.

Oscar and I sit back in startled amusement as Big Doug and Gordon put on a stirring, synchronized, grass-cutting performance. Both are striding purposefully as they mow, their faces set with intense concentration. They turn corners with majestic authority .

It is a riveting display.

***

The first piece of music comes to an end. This coincides precisely with the disappearance of Big Doug and Gordon toward the back of their houses.

We clap softly to ourselves. Oscar refills our glasses with drink. The sun seems to be hanging on just for our benefit.

Sunday night may not be the best time for our show, but we'll always have grass available to keep us amused.

***

Mixed Nuts

The weekend allows us time for pause and reflection. There are also leaves to rake and summer furniture to store away.

But first, we must dispense with an accumulation of Sack news.

***

During the mid-week, young Doo was seen striding resolutely through The Sack with a hammer in his hand.

Doo is quite enamoured with tools. Should he learn to use them for the public good, he could have a bright future ahead of him. Only time will tell.

A few years ago, Doo received a set of plastic tools for his birthday. They came in a bright, red plastic tool belt. Unfortunately, he was very dissatisfied with the gift. Doo only likes real tools.

***

Yesterday, I spied Doo riding about The Sack without his hockey/bike helmet. I asked him where his nifty new helmet was. Doo told me the helmet was boken.

I told Doo that I would be happy to have a look at it for him. Perhaps, I could get my tools and fix it.

Doo shook his head vigourously. "Nope", he said. "It's really boken."

I think I've discovered what Doo was doing with the hammer earlier in the week. He's also smarter than I thought.

***

Gordon has apparently placed a webcam in his front window.

According to Oscar, Gordon can now see what's going on in front of his house even while he's at work. The webcam is linked to his personal webspace.

Oscar and I think Gordon is getting very close to losing his noodle. With this in mind, we've been thinking of ways to inch him closer. Our best idea, so far, involves the placement of a fully-dressed mannequin on his driveway. Hopefully, Gordon will see it while he's at work.

It will be a good test of his new security system.

Oscar has a female mannequin in his garage. We will have to make do with it. We've agreed to dress the mannequin in a trench coat (I have one) and a fedora (Oscar has one). We're going for a Humphrey Bogart look. Bogie's right arm will be placed inside the front of the coat, as if he's reaching for his weapon.

I have no intention of asking Oscar why he has a female mannequin in his garage.

***

Unfortunately, our plan has met a substantial roadblock.

Mrs. Wonders and Oscar's wife, B.W. joined us on the show last night. Both agreed that our plan is very funny, indeed.

But only funny, opined Mrs. Wonders, if devised and carried out by two sixteen year-old boys. B.W. concurred with this assessment.

Neither of them think it will be useful for us to mess with Gordon's noodle. So, our plan has been placed on the back burner for the moment.

***

On The Sack's front burner, once again, is Burning Manor.

The latest news says that Dirk and Dora do, in fact, plan to return to The Sack. Apparently, the ruins of Burning Manor will be torn down in about three weeks. A new home will be built and then Dirk and Dora will move back. It's said they want to rebuild, because they like it here.

I gleaned this information in the usual way.

Ben and Norma, who bought their house from one of the ministers, were speaking directly with Dirk. Ben told Big Doug, who mentioned it to Doo's mother. Doo's mother told Gordon, who, after having a minor stroke, informed Elizabeth. Elizabeth cornered Mrs. Wonders and I on our driveway, as we prepared to go out for groceries, and told us the whole story.

***

Elizabeth lives next door to Burning Manor. She had to pay a five hundred dollar deductible to replace her siding after the fire. Even before the fire, she had the most run-ins with Dirk and Dora.

She's had confrontations with them about their dogs, their parties and, naturally, about the infamous friends of Burning Manor.

Elizabeth says she plans to "stick close to home" next week, in case she sees Dirk in The Sack. She intends to give him "a piece of her mind" about the duo's plan to return. Based on the spittle flying from Elizabeth's mouth, Dirk is in for a big surprise.

I've made a mental note to check how many vacation days I have left at work. This might be worth hanging around for.

***

Personally, I'm of two minds about the return of Dirk and Dora. On my logical side, I am strongly aligned with Elizabeth and even, God forbid, Gordon. I would prefer that the gruesome couple haunt some new and unsuspecting cul de sac.

From a blogging perspective, however, I'm seeing new possibilities.

***