***
A field guide to the friends of Burning Manor would reveal the following: "The male of the species is rarely seen wearing a shirt and proudly displays a carefully developed beer belly for all to enjoy. Crudely drawn tattoos are de rigueur for the male".
Oscar claims that he once saw the words 'LOVE' and 'HAT' inscribed on one gentleman's knuckles. This could be true.
The field guide might go on to say: "The female friend of Burning Manor is distinguished by an unmistakeable aura of danger. Females also sport crudely drawn tattoos and beer bellies. Thankfully, they wear shirts".
***
Friends of Burning Manor can also be easily identified by their automobiles. The absence of one or more hub caps and the presence of dents and incomplete body work are surefire signs of a friend.
Oscar believes that Dirk and Dora choose their friends according to this characteristic. This could be true, as well.
***
To the dismay of residents in The Sack, a number of these colourful friends actually become residents of Burning Manor for varying lengths of time.
***
My favourite live-in friend of Burning Manor was a guy named Buddy. Buddy lived there for about a year, along with a car of indeterminate colour that was completely bereft of hub caps.
Like Dirk and Dora, Buddy was fond of the drink. While Dirk and Dora had trouble with their big dog after a night at the tavern, Buddy suffered from a different problem altogether.
***
Upon returning from the tavern, Buddy seemed unable to determine, through sight alone, which house in The Sack he actually belonged to. For Buddy, locating Burning Manor became a process of elimination.
***
One evening, I watched Buddy try to enter four different homes, before finding Burning Manor.
The first house he stumbled toward was locked. He gained entry to the second house momentarily, before being sternly turned away be one of the Dougs.
The third house was locked, but Buddy spent several minutes trying to open the door with his key. Either frustration or boredom lead him to the fourth house.
***
Buddy walked right into the fourth house. Ten minutes passed. I watched with amusement and growing trepidation.
Suddenly, the door of the house flew open. Buddy came reeling out, quickly followed by an obviously irate female home owner. He ambulated across her lawn in a zigzag pattern, stopping once to pick up the crumbled package of cigarettes he had dropped. Finally, he stumbled through the door of Burning Manor. Home at last.
For several minutes, the woman stood on her porch with her arms folded. She was speechless.
***
I am told that Buddy was found relieving himself in the main floor bathroom of the woman's home. I hope this is not true.
***
A curious thing about Buddy --- several weeks later, his dented car, sans hub caps, no longer leaves the driveway of Burning Manor. An equally distressed vehicle begins to pick him up for work each morning.
Oscar has it on good account that an impaired driving charge was involved. This is almost certainly true.
***
It was not unusual for friends of Burning Manor to become foes of Burning Manor. Dora, it seemed, was no stranger to conflict.
***
Listen to this:
Several years ago, a certain female friend took up residence at Burning Manor. She and Dora seemed to be very good pals indeed.
Alas, within a week, some form of disagreement took place. Residents of The Sack enjoyed front row seats to a screaming match between Dora and her pal. The match took place on the front lawn of Burning Manor at about 7 pm.
Any sober observer of the match would declare Dora as the clear winner. Her winning strategy was to throw the other woman's belongings, piece by piece, off the porch of Burning Manor and onto the front lawn.
A taxi was summoned. The 'friend turned foe' threw an armful of clothing and other personal items in the back of the cab. She was never seen again.
***
Actually, she was seen again. She came back the next day, accompanied by the police.
***
It seemed that Dora had neglected to throw all of the woman's belongings onto The Sack during the previous fight. Certain of these items were now in dispute.
***
A rematch of the previous fight occurred. This fight took place with Dora and her former friend standing on opposite sides of a police car.
Eventually, Dora was escorted back into Burning Manor by a police officer. He emerged momentarily with the desired belongings. Dora reappeared and continued with a venomous tirade directed at her erstwhile friend.
The police officers hustled the other woman into the car and prepared to drive away. They looked bemused and befuddled.
***
Several weeks before the fire, someone apparently threw a rock through the front window of Burning Manor.
Rumours around town suggest the rock and the fire were initiated by a 'friend turned foe'. Others believe these acts were carried out by the foe of a friend who was living at Burning Manor at the time. Either story could be true.
***
Mrs. Wonders says the hijinks at Burning Manor are "crazy and stupid". I can only reply, "This is true".
***
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