Gum in My Hair

This morning I woke up with gum in my hair. Seriously. I'm not entirely sure how it got there, but it did.

More than half of my life is probably over and I've never managed to get gum in my hair. Until now. One would think this would only happen when you're a kid, but obviously not.

So the lesson is this: You're never too old to get gum in your hair.

***

Doo's mom tells Mrs. Wonders that Doo will be dressing up as a kangaroo for Halloween.

Doo's gonna be a kangaroo. Enough said.

***

Oscar has returned from his perversion excursion. He learned that a high-ranking guy with a very big corporation likes to smoke marijuana. I'm not sure whether to be pleased about this or dismayed. Maybe, I'm a little of both.

During his trip he saw another moose. This is his second moose in the last two months. We both agree this must be some kind of record.

Moose are fairly plentiful, of course, but only if you go looking for them. To have them find you is a little harder.

Oscar's last moose was when he went to The Stones concert in Moncton. The moose wasn't at the concert, of course. Oscar saw it near the place he was staying.

It would have been much funnier if he had seen it at The Stones concert.

***

Burning Manor still has its back stairs.

Elizabeth had vowed to remove them for her own use prior to the demolition tomorrow. Since it was the weekend, we had rain most of the time. Later in the day, however, it was fairly nice out.

This would have been a perfect time to dismantle them.

We don't know if Elizabeth approached two of the Dougs for help in this matter. Elizabeth was away for most of the day. Little Doug still has a few cracked ribs and a broken wrist, so he wouldn't have been much help. Big Doug is an avid curler and usually plays on Sundays. I think the curling season just started, too.

Perhaps Elizabeth changed her mind. Maybe her conscience got the better of her.

Either way, she's still going to tear a strip off Dirk whenever she does see him. She wants her five hundred dollar deductible back, one way or the other.

***

So the demolition of Burning Manor begins tomorrow.

I'm told it will take four days to bring it down to its foundation. Throughout The Sack, people are undoubtedly feeling relieved that Burning Manor will be no more. Gordon and Elizabeth are still holding their breath to see what happens next. Will Dirk and Dora return? Or will some new booze-swilling couple take their place?

Oscar and I are hoping that someone new will move into the rebuilt home. We have our fingers crossed that someone named Doug will move in.

Imagine, five Dougs in one cul de sac. If this wouldn't win us Cul de Sac of the Year, I don't know what would.

***

Cleanin' Out the Pockets

What exactly is lint? As usual, I had to pose this important question to the wise ones at Wikipedia.

Among other things, lint is an accumulation of clothing fibers found in pockets and washing machine filters. I suppose I already knew this.

However, I didn't know that lint is also known as "flooze." That's what Wikipedia says, so it must be true.

The comings and goings in The Sack also seem to accumulate over time. Just like lint. So one might say it's time to clean the flooze out The Sack's pockets.

***

Oscar left yesterday for a two-day work trip. He tells me it's an annual event held about five hours away from the old town.

In truth, Oscar says, there is very little work involved during the two days. Mostly, it's an exercise in drink consumption and miscellaneous hijinks.

Oscar says the trip can be best described as a perversion excursion.

***

Gordon will undoubtedly be acclaimed as the chairperson of the fledging Sack Resident's Society next month.

He approached Oscar earlier this week to discuss Oscar's interest in the leadership race.

Gordon said he'd heard from a reliable source (me) that Oscar had chairperson aspirations. Oscar admitted he was under pressure from "lots of people" to run, but had now decided that Gordon was the best man for the job.

According to Oscar, Gordon was speechless. He was similarly stifled when Oscar offered to not only nominate him for the position, but to act as his first lieutenant in leading The Sack to cul de sac greatness.

All of this, of course, is a ploy. Oscar says he's going to infiltrate and influence the Society's leadership in true undercover, suburban anarchist fashion.

***

Young Doo seems to have acquired a new behavioural problem.

He has discovered that rocks are inexpensive and readily available playthings.

Several times this week, Doo has been sitting in the centre of The Sack with a pile of fist-sized rocks. He seems greatly amused as he bangs them together, scrapes them on the curb and, ultimately, throws them violently on the pavement.

When Doo goes home, he leaves the jagged rocks strewn about the road.

***

On Saturday, Doo appeared to be holding his own rock-a-thon. He was out there for about three hours, pounding, scraping and smashing his precious rocks. According to Mrs. Wonders, he almost hit three cars (including the Wonders' little Honda) and almost gave another kid a concussion.

***

Gordon was the first adult to speak to Doo about the rock riot.

This comes as no surprise, as Mrs. Wonders says Gordon had been on duty in his window for almost the whole day. Sometimes he just stands there waiting for something to happen.

After Gordon told him off, Doo just sat on the curb looking forlorn. After a few minutes, he picked up a rock absent-mindedly and began to scrape it slowly and softly on the curb.

Within moments, he was playing with the rocks again at full-throttle.

***

Doo was soon getting heck from Florence. I watched one his rocks ricochet off the pavement and almost hit her car. She was unloading groceries from it at the time. She was more than a little ticked about it.

Once again, Doo sat in the centre of The Sack with a repentant look on his face.

Then he went back to smashing rocks.

***

Mrs. Wonders comes from a family of eight. She knows what works when kids misbehave and what doesn't.

She went outside and informed Doo that his rocks would be confiscated if he was seen with another one in his hand. When Doo claimed he hadn't touched any "wocks", Mrs. Wonders invoked his mother's name.

Doo went home with his arms folded across his chest. I think he might have been mumbling to himself, too.

***

Rental Doug now has a carved pumpkin on each one of the six steps leading up to his porch. In the early evening, a lit candle is placed in every one.

Oscar says, "Only a true friend of Satan would have that many pumpkins."

Ben and Norma tell me that Rental Doug and his blended family are regular church-goers. I mention this to Oscar, but it has no impact. He says he's going to buy necklaces bearing a gold cross for everyone in his family. If I have any common sense, Oscar says, I should do the same.

***

Finally, Elizabeth seems to have the most elaborate and spookiest Halloween decorations on her house.

This is very curious, since she seems to have some dislike for children.

It could be that she takes great pleasure in scaring the crap out of them.

***

Knock Me Down

A new chapter in the Burning Manor saga begins. . .

***

I return to The Sack from work on Friday and see something which wasn't there when I left in the morning.

A bright yellow excavator has been plunked on the front lawn of Burning Manor. An equally-bright, orange snow fence has been erected around the excavator.

Oscar says the snow fence was erected to prevent Elizabeth from using the excavator to knock Burning Manor down herself.

***

Sack sources (those who are home during the day) report that Burning Manor will be dismantled down to its foundation beginning on Monday.

According to the chap who unloaded the excavator, it is unknown whether Dirk and Dora are returning to The Sack. He said the demolition was supposed to begin last week, but Dirk couldn't be found to sign some papers relating to the demolition.

For some reason, the excavator guy was under the impression that Dirk was a pilot and was away frequently. Sack residents were greatly amused by this. Dirk does, in fact, work at the airport, but he's employed as a baggage handler.

***

Elizabeth came home just when the excavator was being unloaded on the lawn of Burning Manor.

Given that she had to pay a five hundred dollar deductible to repair her siding after the fire, Elizabeth is determined to "take what's mine" from the remanents of Burning Manor.

***

Elizabeth has a very nice back deck. Unfortunately, the deck does not have stairs leading to her backyard. Burning Manor has stairs attached to its back deck. The stairs weren't damaged during the fire.

Elizabeth has decided that Burning Manor's back stairs would be appropriate reimbursement for the five hundred dollar insurance deductible.

***

The excavator guy told Elizabeth, "If the stairs aren't there on Monday, you can be sure that I won't know anything about it."

Elizabeth has decided she now has authorization to dismantle the stairs and have them attached to her deck.

***

Elizabeth informed Mrs. Wonders about her retribution plan and asked if I might assist in dismantling Burning Manor's stairs. She was, according to Mrs. Wonders, a bit "miffed" when told her plan could be viewed as theft.

Mrs. Wonders says Elizabeth is now planning to ask Big Doug and Little Doug for their assistance.

We have made a friendly wager about their responses to Elizabeth. Mrs. Wonders thinks they will aid and abet Elizabeth in her dastardly plan. I'm doubtful about it. While both Dougs have little time for Dirk and Dora, Elizabeth's plan is probably too indiscreet for their tastes.

***

Big Doug is well-known for his ability to purloin building materials. When the last houses in The Sack were being built, Big Doug would make clandestine visits to the building sites to acquire materials such as drywall, interior doors, plywood, shingles and moulding.

It has been many years since Big Doug has stepped inside a home improvement store.

***

So Mrs. Wonders and I will be watching over the weekend to see if Burning Manor's stairs suddenly become attached to Elizabeth's back deck.

The loser of our wager has to buy a chocolate bar from young Tremayne.

***

Sales Job

For the second time in four days, young Tremayne appears at our door. Once again, he's flogging fund-raiser chocolate bars for his older brother.

***

I bought a chocolate bar from Tremayne several weeks ago (see Random Samplings). I also bought one from him last Monday.

Young Tremayne is only about five years-old. I try to explain that I'm not in the habit of buying two-dollar chocolate bars with such regularity.

My explanation goes sailing over the boy's head. He gives me a gap-toothed grin and asks again if I would like to buy a chocolate bar:

G.W.: "No, I still have the one I bought from you on Monday. Do you remember that?"

Tremayne: "You didn't eat it yet?"

G.W.: "No."

Tremayne: "How come?"

G.W.: "I just haven't been in the mood for it."

Tremayne: "How come?"

G.W.: "I only like to eat chocolate when I feel like it."

Tremayne: "You don't feel like it?"

G.W.: "No, not right now."

Tremayne: "Oh. . . . . are you gonna throw it away?"

G.W.: "No, I'll just keep it in the fridge for some other time."

Tremayne: "Oh. . . . . what if you don't feel like it?"

G.W.: "Then, maybe I'll give it to somebody else."

Tremayne: "Oh. . . . . I could eat it for you, if you want."

G.W.: "Deal. Let me get it for you."

***

I return to the door and give the chocolate bar to Tremayne. He has a plastic shopping bag containing the chocolate bars he's trying to sell. He stuffs this one quickly into his back pocket.

I say good-bye to Tremayne and start to close the door. Suddenly, he says, "You wanna buy a chocolate bar for later?"

***

Shin Kicking

Sack residents tend to resolve real or perceived problems in a very discreet manner. They make anonymous complaints to the civic government.

The anonymity is eventually lost, because the whistle-blower eventually tells someone else about it. Very quickly, most people will know who complained. Sometimes, even the so-called guilty party will find out who pointed the finger at him.

***

A former Sack resident decided to put up a rather inexpensive-looking wooden shed at the top of his driveway. He didn't have a garage, so he wanted the shed handy to put things away.

A few Sack residents were appalled. They felt the shed was an eye-sore and reflected badly on the look of the neighbourhood.

One resident researched the city by-laws and learned of restrictions on the location of such a structure. He complained to the by-law department and the shed-builder was told to move it.

***

Almost everyone in The Sack knew who called the city. Except, of course, for the shed-builder. He started to tell others about his call from the by-law people.

It took a long time for him to build the shed, he said. It would be a lot of work to move it and he didn't have much time. He was also annoyed that someone in The Sack would complain without speaking to him first.

So a bunch of Sack people volunteered to help him move the shed without dismantling it. One of the people who helped was the guy who complained.

***

Oscar and I were there to help move the shed. It was a very weird experience. No one particularly liked the shed and were glad to see it moved. But nobody felt good about how the complaint was made.

We're quite sure there's an ethical lesson in there somewhere, but neither of us want to spend too much time thinking about it. We just want everybody to get along. No feuds, no tension.

I bet there's at least one cul de sac in the world where everyone loathes each other and live in a constant state of mental warfare. With the wrong mix of people, I could see it happening here.

***

Every year Sack residents receive their property tax assessments. Some people talk openly about their assessments and others are more discreet. It doesn't really matter because they can be accessed on the Internet.

The same resident who put the authorities onto shed-builder, complained anonymously to the city because Florence's tax assessment was unusually low.

Florence's assessment was immediately increased to match, if not exceed, other assessments.

***

Eventually, others learned the identity of the whistle-blower and duly informed Florence. For a while, there was a lot of tension in The Sack about this affair. For the most part, it has mostly blown over.

Florence maintains a cool, but polite relationship with the whistle-blower.

***

Oscar and I were deeply disturbed by the whistle-blower's actions. Just because Florence was enjoying an unforseen benefit, there was no reason to complain. The whistle-blower, we felt, had nothing to gain from his complaint.

Of course, one would expect such a position from undercover, suburban anarchists.

***

There is a house in The Sack with a very unsightly lawn.

Gordon was extremely perturbed about it. One day, the owner of the house went out. Gordon brought his lawn mower over and cut the man's lawn. Then he went home.

Oscar and I watched the owner come home and stand on his driveway for a few minutes staring at his lawn. Then he shrugged his shoulders and went in the house.

Gordon has done this several times since then. The owner still doesn't know who's cutting his lawn.

***

In its glory days, Burning Manor used to have a badly-stained yellow blanket draped over its porch.

The blanket apparently belonged to the big, barking and bored dog which was tied in the front yard most of the time.

The blanket annoyed Big Doug to the ends of the earth. He would stand in his front window for long periods staring at Burning Manor with his hands on his hips.

***

One day Big Doug saw the Burning Manor crew drive away. He walked briskly across the street and retrieved it from the porch. He walked to the back of Burning Manor and placed the blanket in a garbage can.

The blanket was never seen again. Oscar doesn't think Dirk and Dora even noticed it was gone.

He could be right about that.

***

If you ever find yourself living in a cul de sac, it might be a good idea to do some research ahead of time. You should brush up on the local by-laws relating to residential living. You should also take a course in making your home look as unobtrusive as possible.

Most importantly, you should buy yourself a very good pair of shin-pads. There is always a good chance that a fellow cul de sac resident is going to kick you in the shins when you're not expecting it.

***

Pump Down the Volume

Noise is a matter of great and frequent debate in The Sack.

There are two kinds of noise that bend noses (and ears) out of shape: Noise from within The Sack and noise generated from the outside world.

Today, we lend an ear to a particular noise inside The Sack.

***

Ben and Norma are a delightful couple who live in The Sack. Everyone likes Ben and Norma.

But there is one thing about them which drives people to distraction. Ben and Norma are the proud owners of the world's loudest and most powerful central vacuum system. Oscar has it on good authority that their vacuum is powered by an engine from a Boeing 767 passenger jet.

***

Making Matters Worse (Part I) - The vacuum motor is vented outside of Ben and Norma's house. When it's running, it sounds like The Sack is about to become an emergency landing strip for a wayward Air Canada jet.

Making Matters Worse (Part II) - Norma, it seems, is prolific when it comes to vacuuming. She does it often and for long periods. If there was a Nobel Prize for vacuuming, she would be on her way to Stockholm to accept it.

***

Oscar claims that Ben and Norma have carpet on their walls and ceilings. He says he's been in their house and saw it with his own eyes. If this is true, then Rental Doug is surely Satan's second cousin.

***

Sack residents have made passive, joking comments to Ben and Norma about their robust vacuum.

Ben simply jokes about Norma's enthusiasm for vacuuming: "It's her therapy. It's just her way of coping with stress."

Norma works in a library. One can only imagine a library in the most desolate part of the old town. Every day, Norma must be caught in the crossfire, as competing street gangs battle for control of the periodicals.

***

Ben has made only one appearance on the show hosted by me and Oscar. Every time Ben said something, Oscar pretended he couldn't hear very well and asked Ben to repeat himself. Finally, Ben asked if there was something wrong with his hearing.

Oscar looked surprised for a moment and then removed a pair of plugs from his ears.

"Sorry," Oscar said, "Norma was vacuuming earlier and I forgot to take these out."

Ben just laughed and agreed that his vacuum was very loud. Then he started talking about something else.

***

Norma's favourite time to vacuum is around ten o'clock in the evening.

During the summer months, this is the time when most Sack kids have to go home. Since most kids don't wear watches, many parents tell their kids to come home as soon as they hear Norma's vacuum.

When Oscar and I are on our show, Norma's vacuum is the cue for our first intermission. This is when we replenish our drink supply and go to the bathroom.

***

Only time will tell whether Ben and Norma will get rid of their noisy vacuum.

Most Sack people won't directly tell each other when there's a problem. We're very passive that way. There are exceptions, of course, but they're very few.

It's more likely that someone will make an anonymous complaint to the city under a noise by-law. This wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened. Tomorrow, we'll blog about some of the more despicable things a few Sack residents have anonymously done to others.

***

Big Doug says he's prepared to buy Ben and Norma's powerful vacuum, if they're forced to get rid of it.

Apparently, he has plans to modify the motor for his lawn mower.

***

Burning Manor Update

Rumours are the spice of life in The Sack.

***

A truck from a restoration company pulls up in front of the charred remains of Burning Manor. Elizabeth is out of her house and speaking with the driver within seconds.

It seems the rumours about the restoration of Burning Manor are premature.

According to the driver from the restoration company, insurance issues are still unresolved. This likely means Dirk and Dora cannot plan their return to The Sack until the insurance company decides whether to pay out on their policy.

***

Elizabeth says the restoration company was here to remove the washer and dryer from the house. The driver says these items are the only ones that can be recovered from the damaged home.

While Elizabeth is hardly pacified by this latest news, she tells Mrs. Wonders that she is relieved that the rebuilding of Burning Manor is not imminent.

However, she still wants to tear a strip off Dirk.

***

Words of Wisdom

Oscar's boy, Dorian received an interesting assignment in his social studies class last week.

He was instructed to interview at least ten adults and ask them for advice that would lead him to success in life. Each adult had to give two separate pieces of advice. Then he was required to choose the two most common chunks of wisdom and write about it.

***

Dorian decides to interview adults in The Sack for his assignment.

Oscar brings Dorian's collection of Sack adult wisdom over to my house on the weekend. Our show is on hiatus due to the weather, so we take drink in my front room and review the list.

The most common pieces of wisdom are quite predictable: "Stay in School" and "Work Hard." This is what Dorian will have to write a dreary essay about.

***

As Oscar and I enjoy drink, we decide that a new list of collected wisdom from some Sack adults is required. So we add the following to Dorian's list:

Gordon:

(1) "The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Squeak loud and often."

(2) "Try to be the one in control of the grease. It will save you much time and energy."

Big Doug:

(1) "A healthy lawn means a healthy life."

(2) "Stay off my lawn, you little bugger, and you will live a long life."

Computer Doug:

(1) "For God's sake, don't ever buy a house. People will expect you to work your ass off decorating and fixing it all the time. Buy a condo, instead."

(2) "For God's sake, don't ever have kids. People will expect you to work your ass off feeding and looking after them. Get a cat, instead."

Little Doug:

(1) "Always use the right tool for the job."

(2) "Do not let Oscar borrow your tools because you will never have the right tool for the job when you need it."

Elizabeth:

(1) "Have a glass of wine every day. It's good for you!"

(2) "What were we talking about again?"

Rental Doug:

(1) "Give up your soul to Satan."

(2) "Actually, give it to me and I'll make sure he gets it."

Guy Wonders:

(1) "Always buy high-quality, comfortable shoes"

(2) "Always buy a high-quality, comfortable mattress. Replace it every five years. Do both of these things and very few things in life will bother you. Except, of course, if you drop out of school and don't work very hard. Then, you're screwed anyway.

Oscar:

(1) "Until you have your own income, always choose the least expensive route toward anything."

(2) "When you have your own income, always choose the most expensive route when buying things for your father.

***

At the Bus Stop

At times, The Sack can be a very odd place.

Of course, one does not have to travel too far away from The Sack to find other weird moments.

***

I decide to take the bus to work today. There is still a light drizzle falling in the old town, but it's an enjoyable kind of rain.

A woman is already standing at the bus stop located a few hundred yards away from The Sack. We exchange the usual morning pleasantries and complain politely to each other about the weekend weather. The woman doesn't live in The Sack, but just to prove the New Urbanism Movement wrong, I chat amiably with her while we await the bus.

***

A second woman soon joins us at the bus stop. She is dressed in the uniform of a well-known Canadian coffee shop. I deduce that she works the backshift at this 24 hour-a-day coffee cathedral.

The coffee shop woman is far more awake than either of us. She unloads a steady, pent-up stream of consciousness about her night at the coffee shop. The first woman begins to look anxiously for the bus. I simply nod at the coffee shop woman as if I've understood every word she has said.

***

Suddenly, the coffee shop woman gives me a light tap on the arm and exclaims, "You'll never guess what I heard yesterday!"

I tell her that I haven't the foggiest idea about what she heard yesterday.

"I heard from two old guys sitting outside the drug store that we're gonna get the worst winter storm in over 135 years! It's gonna happen sometime this winter, but I'm not sure when."

***

This is the second year in a row that I've heard this story. Last year, this rumour was floating around the old town so much, The Daily Snooze took it upon itself to soundly debunk the tale.

I consider telling the coffee shop woman this, but it's too early and I'm too disinterested. So I simply tell her I read recently that we're supposed to have a mild winter this year. My first companion at the bus stop pipes up and says she's read the same thing.

Coffee shop woman gives both of us a look of pity. She says, "Well, I heard it from two old people and they have a copy of the Farmers Almanac. So, it's definitely true."

***

Before anyone can say anything else, something very bizarre happens.

A man is riding down the street toward us on a bicycle. We notice him because he's sneezing very loudly as he rides. By the time he passes us, he has sneezed for about the seventh consecutive time.

His hands are on the handlebar and he makes no attempt to cover his nose or mouth. He continues to sneeze well after he passes the bus stop.

If he wasn't pedaling with his feet, I have no doubt the sneezing would have easily propelled him as far as he wished to go.

This was definitely one of the most curious things I've seen for some time.

***

Before any of us can react, the bus pulls into the stop. The bus is crowded and the three of us are easily separated. I am very thankful for this.

It's not even 7:30 in the morning and already I have met a caffeine-addled, backshift-working, coffee shop woman and witnessed a bicycle propelled by sneezes.

For this brief moment, The Sack seems quite a sane place after all.

***

Hot Wind

For a second straight day, The Sack has seen rain and high winds. Mrs. Wonders and I expected the power to go out, but it hasn't happened yet.

This is the second weekend in a row with nothing but rain. Normally, Sack residents would be milling about doing the usual pre-winter chores.

Instead, The Sack is quiet and remains in movie-set mode.

***

Gordon has fulfilled his role in organizing the next meeting of the Sack Residents' Society.

He has set up an email group and it looks like the second meeting of the Society will take place at his house in November.

Oscar says he's planning to send anonymous spam to the email group. He says he's been making up fake emails about penis enlargement and online college diplomas. He has yet to figure out how to send the emails without identifying himself.

Oscar is not particularly savvy about computers, so I don't expect his latest undercover, suburban anarchist ploy will get off the ground.

***

Reports from around The Sack suggest Gordon has been actively campaigning to be elected as the Society's chairperson.

Several folks have said he has come to their door asking about their interest in the position. When he learns they're not interested in running, he immediately asks for their support.

According to Computer Doug, Gordon is claiming that he has some "spectacular" ideas on how to make The Sack the "best darn neighbourhood around."

***

Gordon came to my door this afternoon and asked about my interest in being the Society's chairperson.

I told him that I would sooner consume my own bodily fluids than act as chairperson.

He looked very relieved.

***

Before he could deliver his election spiel, I informed Gordon that Oscar has reconsidered and is now planning to run for chairperson.

Disconcerted would be the best way to describe Gordon's reaction.

***

Of course, Oscar has said no such thing. But this will probably keep Gordon off balance for a little while longer.

***

More Loose Ends

It is raining steadily in The Sack today, therefore it's Saturday.

Nevertheless, we must locate our proverbial broom and sweep up the bits of loose news items that have transpired during the week.

***

I am pleased to report that Doo has successfully returned from his debut in organized hockey.

Despite the rain, he has been walking around The Sack wearing a bright orange hockey jersey, black hockey pants and bare legs. He has a hockey stick in his hands, but he's carrying it over his shoulder as if marching off to war.

I'm not quite sure what he's doing out there, because there are no other kids around.

***

Things remain very quiet on the Burning Manor front.

At least two weeks have passed without an appearance by Dirk or Dora. The last bit of news suggested that Burning Manor would be torn down and rebuilt very soon. There has been no indication so far, that this will occur.

Elizabeth informed me that Dirk is claiming that two people were arrested for setting Burning Manor ablaze. She heard this information from Ben and Norma.

Oscar and I are doubtful about this. We would have expected to read about it in The Daily Snooze or The Chronically Horrid.

***

Oscar has been trying to find out the web address for Gordon's webcam. Despite admonishment from his wife, B.W. and Mrs. Wonders, Oscar wants to renew our plan to place a threatening mannequin on Gordon's driveway.

Oscar wants me to go over to Gordon's house with him to talk about the Sack Residents' Society. While we're there, he wants to ask Gordon to show us the website, on the grounds that both of us are interested in setting up our own webcams.

I asked Oscar why he can't simply do this himself.

He confessed that his eyesight has deteriorated to the point that he won't be able to read the web address on Gordon's computer. Oscar has needed reading glasses for the last two years, but stubbornly refuses to get his eyes checked.

Oscar says this will be our first clandestine mission in our roles as undercover suburban anarchists.

I told Oscar that Mrs. Wonders and I will be too busy over the weekend. But I have offered him the use of my reading glasses.

***

Little Doug's broken ribs are healing nicely. He dropped by our show the other night for a quick guest appearance.

He had justed returned from the hospital. Earlier in the day, he slipped on his wet front steps and broke his wrist. Now he has a big white cast on his left arm. And two broken ribs.

Oscar and I were in stitches.

***

Several Sack homes have been adorned with Halloween decorations.

Florence has a big pumpkin on her porch. She says it's more of a "celebration of autumn" than a Halloween decoration.

Unfortunately, Florence says that young Doo has come to her door several times asking for candy. She has tried to explain to him that it's not Halloween yet, but Doo keeps pointing at her pumpkin.

***

Rental Doug was the first resident to put up Halloween decorations. He has placed a small skeleton on his front door. There are also various decorations on his front window.

Oscar says this is a sure sign that Rental Doug is in cahoots with Satan. He wants to reopen the debate about Rental Doug's name.

I told Oscar that if he could get some forensic evidence from the skeleton, I would be willing to reopen the debate.

***

The Iceboy Cometh

Many Canadians are passionate about the game of hockey. When children play organized hockey for the first time, it is a momentous occasion.

Mrs. Wonders and I don't have children, but we have seen this rite of passage occur with extended family and friends. Both of us have gone through this when we were kids, as well.

There have been a few times where we've heard about Sack kids playing hockey for the first time. Their parents, of course, were thrilled.

***

Oscar was elated when his son began to play hockey.

He says he's enjoying how much his son likes to play. But he hopes Dorian won't be too good at the game. When kids excel at hockey, Oscar points out, it starts to become a very expensive sport.

It looks like Doo's mom won't have to worry about this.

***

Mrs. Wonders was chatting with Doo's mom the other day.

Apparently, Doo will start hockey on Saturday. This means that his hockey/bike helmet has been repaired and will be of use, after all.

Doo's mom says her son is "rarin' to go". Even though he's never put on a pair of skates, Doo can't wait to get out there.

***

I ran into Doo this afternoon, when I arrived home from work.

He was playing road hockey with another little Sack kid. Actually, the pair of them were standing around wearing their helmets and holding their hockey sticks. There wasn't a ball or a net to be seen.

***

I walked over to Doo and asked if he was excited about playing hockey tomorrow.

He nodded his head quickly and then said something unintelligible. Waiting lists for speech therapy in the old town are quite long.

I told Doo that he should expect to have a great deal of fun. He responded with a big smile and said, "I'm gonna bwake my schtick over everybody's head!"

***

Then Doo performed a rehearsal for his big hockey debut tomorrow. He swung his hockey stick at shoulder height and performed a complete 360 degree turn.

As he swung his stick, he said, "Kapow, Kapow!"

***

Mrs. Wonders noticed me speaking with Doo from our front window. She asked why he was swinging his hockey stick like a machete.

I told her Doo is planning to go out for Halloween dressed as a Japanese samurai.

***

Meanwhile, I've said a silent prayer that someone at the local hockey rink has their first aid training up to date.

I think they'll probably need it tomorrow.

***

This Won't End Well

The Sack is decidedly suburban and middle-class. We live a privileged existence in many ways, particularly from a material perspective.

I grew up in low-income, subsidized apartments. Our home in The Sack is the first house I've ever lived in. Even though we've been here for more than six years, I still have moments where I think someone is going to burst in and say, "Alrighty now, what do you think you're doing here? Get your stuff and get out!"

So one could say that I'm relatively content with my surroundings. Certainly, life is more complicated than I'd like it to be, but it could be much, much worse.

But are the residents who live on this leafy, modern street really happy?

From an observer's position, it can be difficult to tell. Happiness and contentment, I suppose, are a matter of individual perspective and experience.

Sometimes, however, there are rather obvious signs that all is not well.

***

Oscar reports that a particular house in The Sack is poised to undergo a major meltdown in the very near future.

Recently, Oscar converted his dining room into a television room. The window in this room faces a window next door. He says he's been hearing regular, profanity-laced arguments coming from his neighbour's home.

According to Oscar, the arguments have become more frequent and more intense over the last three weeks. It's getting to the point, Oscar says, where he's spending "way too much time" in his new television room.

***

Living next door to Oscar is the Bitterman family.

Oscar has what he calls a "driveway relationship" with the Bittermans. The only interaction they have is when they're entering or leaving their homes. Despite Oscar's charm, this is as intimate as their relationship is going to get.

Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman seem like very nice people. They're friendly, but distant. They have little contact with others in The Sack, but they're cordial when they need to be.

I have no trouble with this at all. In fact, all things considered, they seem to be very good neighbours.

***

Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman have two adult children, Jason and Britney. Jason is around twenty-one and Britney is a few years older.

Britney lived away from home for a few years. Sack sources say she moved back after breaking up with her boyfriend. Apparently, it was quite a spectacular break-up. I'm told that there were restraining orders involved.

Since returning home, it seems that things have not gone well for Britney. She was the young woman we talked about in a previous post, Not One of Her Better Days.

***

Oscar tells me that Britney's voice is usually at the centre of the arguments.

He says Britney is terribly profane and doesn't discriminate when it comes to which family member she'll argue with. Oscar says he's heard her do battle with each of parents and her brother. In one epic fight, according to Oscar, the whole family took the brunt of her wrath at the same time.

Britney, it seems, has quite a lot of anger.

***

It would be hard to know this if you only encountered Britney outside in The Sack.

She doesn't seem terribly bright, but she is friendly in a detached kind of fashion. The detachment, of course, might just be part of not being very bright.

***

Oscar says that Britney is perpetually on the brink of making a major life transition.

According to Mr. Bitterman, Britney is about to go back to school to complete her high school equivalency. Unfortunately, he's been telling Oscar this for the last two years.

So far, it hasn't happened.

***

Jason, the youngest Bitterman, is also reported to be on the precipice of a life change.

Oscar has been told that Jason is about to join the military. There have been numerous occasions over the past year, where Jason has been about to leave for basic training.

So far, this has happened, either.

***

Big Doug is a former military man. He's heard that Jason is about to join the military. Everytime he sees the young man, he gives him a crisp salute. Jason always returns the salute with a big smile.

For Big Doug's sake, one hopes that Jason will enlist one day.

***

It could simply be Mr. Bitterman's best hope that his children will make these particular life changes. Perhaps they have no intention of doing so.

Either way, Mr. Bitterman has aged considerably over the last few years. Mrs. Bitterman has put on quite a lot of weight, too. Oscar says her hair always seems to be wet, as if she can't stop sweating. I've told Oscar that this could be related to menopause, but he remains doubtful.

***

Oscar is predicting that a climax to the arguments is on the horizon. He doesn't think there will be any violence involved, but he does think the Bitterman family woes will soon be laid bare to the rest of The Sack.

"I think", Oscar says, "there will be a peeler visit by Christmas."

Only time will tell, but we'll be sure to let you know what happens next.

***

Singing in the Rain

It has been raining for three straight days in the old town. The weather folks say we've had well over one hundred millimetres of rain.

The Sack has been very quiet. Cars come and go infrequently. A few Sack kids have been seen running from one house to the other.

Despite the rain, however, it has been unseasonably warm. It doesn't really feel like autumn, at all. Even though the leaves are changing colour, lawns in The Sack remain a healthy green.

For three days, it seems like The Sack has been taking a long, luxurious bath; a good time, one thinks, to reflect on events of the past.

***

We go back to an early summer Sunday at Burning Manor.

It's close to eleven o'clock in the morning and Mrs. Wonders and I enjoy coffee and newspapers on our back deck.

It is a glorious morning. The birds are plentiful at our feeders. And a small red squirrel, who Mrs. Wonders calls, Stevie, is making regular forays to dine on sunflower seeds.

This idyllic moment is suddenly shattered by a chorus of drunken voices. Mrs. Wonders and I look up from our newspapers and our eyes meet. In unison, we both mouth a silent expletive.

There is a deck party going on at Burning Manor.

***

Parties at Burning Manor were quite unique. They tended to begin early on a weekend morning and would fizzle out by mid-afternoon. It is widely believed that party-goers passed out by that time.

Sack theorists have concluded that the Burning Manor crowd prefers drinking at the tavern at night and at home during the day.

***

If one was ever to receive a written invitation to a Burning Manor party, it would probably read like this:

On Sunday, Dirk and Dora request the pleasure of your company at Burning Manor.

The festivities will begin at nine o'clock in the morning. Alcohol (and only alcohol) will be served in liberal quantities. To ensure sufficient stock, please bring your own ample supply.

Vomiting and spitting will be permitted in the backyard only, preferably in plain view of our unreasonable neighbours.

Drinking oneself to unconciousness is strongly encouraged. We are pleased to provide indoor floorspace for this purpose.

Ample parking is available on the street. Park on both sides of the road, so other cars will have difficulty getting by.

Please, cars built after 1995 are expressly prohibited. The ban on hubcaps will be strictly enforced.

RSVPs, whatever they are, are not required. If you find this invitation on the street somewhere, please feel free to come anyway. It doesn't matter if we have no idea who you are.

Okay, maybe the invitation wouldn't sound exactly like that, but you get the picture.

***

Soon after the drunken voices begin, Mrs. Wonders and I hear a very curious thing.

Amidst the voices, we suddenly hear the strumming of a guitar. This is the first time we've heard music associated with the Burning Manor crowd. For a brief moment, there is a sense of intrigue.

***

Momentarily, the voices become silent and only the guitar can be heard.

Then the assembled throng erupts in a garbled, out-of-tune rendition of The Eagles' Hotel California.

***

Mrs. Wonders and I are stupified. We glare at each other with painful looks on our faces. Neither of us have ever heard such a racket.

The birds, once so plentiful on our feeders, have flown off in all directions. Stevie, the squirrel, has fled to the top of a tree and is making a loud, angry clicking sound.

***

I have no trouble with The Eagles. I'm quite certain we have several of their CDs in the house. And Hotel California is not an objectionable song, by any measure.

But it's a song that should only be sung by those with a proven track record of entertaining others. Singing it alone in one's shower shouldn't be the only qualification for performing it in public.

***

The singing eventually reaches a painful conclusion. Mrs. Wonders and I have remained on our back deck, hopeful that this will be a one-song performance.

Sadly, the drunken souls begin to sing another song. Mrs. Wonders says it's a Bob Seger tune. If this is true, I believe Mr. Seger has a lot of explaining to do.

Before the song is over, Mrs. Wonders and I make a quick retreat from our back deck. We decide that today will be a front-porch kind of day.

***

A few hours pass and fortunately, the music has come to an end.

We sit on the front porch along with Oscar, his wife, G.W. and our next door neighbour, Florence. Everyone has heard the Burning Manor concert. Some people have even gone into Elizabeth's backyard to get a furtive, up-close view of the party.

As we discuss the morning's events, the distant sound of an emergency vehicle can be heard. The urgent sound seems to grow closer and closer to The Sack.

Suddenly, we see an ambulance move quickly into The Sack. It stops directly in front of Burning Manor.

***

The ambulance attendants proceed into Burning Manor.

After about five minutes, the front door opens and the attendants, flanked by Dirk and a few others, carefully manoeuvre a supremely obese, drunk woman down the front steps.

***

It soon becomes apparent that the woman is not pleased about ending her day at Burning Manor. As the group nears the back of the ambulance, she begins to thrash her arms about while making husky, unintelligible grunts.

The attendants retrieve a stretcher from the back of the ambulance, while Dirk and company try to restrain the woman.

A wrestling match begins as the attendants try to place her upon the stretcher. In the heat of battle, her sweat pants begin to fall toward her knees and her blouse becomes bunched at her neck.

It's a sight one would prefer not to see again.

***

Eventually, the woman is strapped onto the stretcher and muscled into the back of the ambulance. Dirk and his pals troop back into Burning Manor and the ambulance drives away.

On the porch, we sit in silence for a few moments, unsure if we actually witnessed this gruesome scene unfold in the pleasantness of The Sack.

***

Shortly, a group of people stumble from Burning Manor and climb into one of the dented, hubcap-free cars parked at the curb.

G.W., Oscar's wife, says, "At least they have the decency to go to the hospital to see how the poor woman is."

Everyone murmurs in agreement.

***

Fifteen minutes later, the car reappears in front of Burning Manor. The group departs from the car in a noisy, rambling fashion.

The driver and another fellow go to the trunk and open it. They retrieve two large cases of beer from the trunk and follow their buddies into the house.

***

Society of Fools

We understand that General William Tecumseh Sherman is credited with uttering the phrase, “war is hell.”

One wonders about Sherman’s take on meetings.

***

Meetings of a business nature do not result in the carnage associated with war. Rest assured, however, they do take their toll.

***

The inaugural Sack Residents' Association Meeting & Barbeque was greeted by rain and fog.

The meeting was to occur in The Sack’s centre circle. Word filtered around that the meeting would be held in Gordon’s garage, instead.

About fifteen people attended the meeting. Ben and Norma were the only couple to attend. Everyone else came as a representative of their household.

Oscar and I were there as undercover suburban anarchists.

***

It did not take long to discover that our fears of totalitarian rule would be unfounded.

Gordon and his followers are still intent on establishing rules, regulations and codes of conduct. But they are so focused on the minor details of organizing a residents' association that it should be many years before such matters are actually addressed.

Oscar says the residents' association will be an exercise in “herding cats.”

***

Inexplicably, Gordon began the meeting by introducing a logo for the association.

After an exhaustive search of web clipart sites, Gordon presented what he called “a bird of prey against the silhouette of the moon.” He said the logo would be used on the association’s letterhead and website.

Oscar almost spilled his drink when he heard Gordon mention a website.

***

Everyone agreed that the logo was impressive. The first vote of the association was unanimous.

I have a rudimentary knowledge of birds. And it’s unlikely that I will ever be honoured by The Audubon Society. But I am quite certain that the “bird of prey” which will adorn the residents' association logo is a turkey vulture.

I waited until the vote was complete before whispering to Oscar that The Sack was now represented pictorially by a turkey vulture. This time he actually spilled his drink.

***

The next item of business was introduced by Elizabeth.

She declared that a formal name for the association was needed. Gordon interjected that there was nothing wrong with “Residents’ Association.” There was a murmur of agreement from the floor.

Elizabeth, however, explained that something with more punch was needed. A Residents’ Association would be viewed by politicians and government departments as “amateurish” and “unsophisticated.”

Taking a delicate sip from her wine glass, Elizabeth looked around the garage and said we would be taken far more seriously if we were a “Residents’ Society.”

***

Some people were immediately taken by Elizabeth’s idea.

Little Doug said he would be thrilled to be part of a Society. He’s been in a few Associations before and a number of Unions, but never a Society.

Florence said she belongs to several Societies and has found them to be much more cohesive and effective than any Association she had belonged to.

Gordon, however, admitted that he had already ordered stationery adorned with "Residents’ Association" and the turkey vulture logo.

Forty-five minutes of debate ensued.

***

During the debate, a very curious thing happened.

Oscar had been uncharacteristically mute during the meeting. This, he explained later, was part of his undercover suburban anarchist persona.

However, he became quite vociferous during the debate about the name of The Sack’s new organization. He argued that we were allied in a common cause to protect the best interests of The Sack and its residents.

He strongly supported the notion of a Society, rather than an Association. There is a sense of strength, character and intellect in a Society, he claimed, that an Association could never aspire to.

In the end, his suggested name for the group was adopted by a narrow vote. Gordon was politely chastised for ordering stationery without prior agreement about a name. He agreed in a sullen tone to change the order on Monday.

***

The Sack’s governing body will now be known as the Sack Residents’ Society.

Later, I asked Oscar why he was so passionate about the name issue.

"A good suburban anarchist would argue against anything Gordon was in favour of."

***

Once the name issue was settled, Gordon talked about a website. He graciously offered the use of his web space, noting that his webcam would be on the site for everyone to access. He suggested that Computer Doug might be enlisted to design the site.

Computer Doug’s wife, Marion was present, but he wasn't.

Computer Doug told Oscar he had no interest in a residents’ group, because it could only mean more pressure to make his home look nicer. There was no way, he said, he would attend the inaugural meeting.

Marion told me it was also Computer Doug’s turn to look after their two children.

Marion told everyone she would speak to Computer Doug about designing a website for the Society. But, she warned, it had better not be a very time-consuming task, because Computer Doug is very good at avoiding things he should be doing at home.

***

Over ninety minutes had already passed before everyone started talking about issues. It was a long, rambling discussion with everyone ultimately complaining about the behaviour of people who weren’t at the meeting.

Little Doug eventually had a coughing fit and said he had to go. It was a very convincing performance. He was holding on to his broken ribs with each painful cough. Everyone was very sympathetic.

Oscar and I looked at each other knowingly. It was another subtle, graceful exit by Little Doug.

***

Things became a bit tense when Big Doug made a comment about kids in The Sack. Doo’s mother became defensive and asked him if he was talking about her Doo.

Big Doug said he was only talking in “generalities.”

Everyone knew he was talking specifically about Doo. Everyone also agreed with every word Big Doug said.

But others jumped in to reassure Doo’s mom that Big Doug wasn’t talking about Doo in particular. Elizabeth even remarked that Doo was “a lovely boy.”

On Friday night, Elizabeth dropped by our show and mentioned that she would love to “knock Doo’s block off” for riding his bike on her lawn.

***

Finally, Gordon seemed to realize that we were going nowhere in our discussion of issues. He suggested that we should begin formal discussions about the issues at the next meeting.

In the meantime, he said, we should agree on who would be the chairperson of the new Sack Residents’ Society. He added that he would be “more than pleased” to act in that capacity.

***

Oscar suggested that it would be more democratic if a vote was held.

Gordon seemed taken aback momentarily. Then he asked if Oscar wanted to put his name forward.

“No,” said Oscar quickly, “But I think Guy Wonders might be interested.”

It was at this point that I spilled Oscar’s drink.

***

In the end, it was agreed that the chairperson issue would be held over until the next meeting. Everyone was asked to think about whether they would like to put their name forward and a vote would be held then.

Gordon’s spirits were lifted a bit when he was asked to look after the scheduling of the next meeting. Email addresses were collected and he vowed to set up an email group forthwith.

***

Since the barbeque was cancelled due to weather, Oscar and I repaired to my front room for drink and a post-meeting analysis. He apologized for nominating me for the chairperson role, but explained that it would be the “ultimate infiltration” if I ran for election.

If we weren’t sitting in my front room, I told Oscar, I would happily spill his drink again.

***