Enter the Peelers

In some quarters of the UK, the police are still known as ‘peelers’. This is in reference to the founder of modern policing, Sir Robert Peel (1788-1850). He is also the source for the term, 'bobbies.'

Until now, I didn't know this.

***

Sir Robert was also the Prime Minister of Britain for a short period. I didn't know this, either.

***

When I was a child, an ice cream truck would make occasional visits to our neighbourhood. The ‘ice cream man’, as he was popularly known, would ring a large bell to alert everyone of his presence. Kids would react as if they had just seen Superman flying overhead. Then we'd sprint for home to plead for money.

In The Sack, the peelers are the adult equivalent of the ice cream man. When they have business here, everyone is captivated.

***

Of course, the peelers don’t come to The Sack very often.

But when they do, residents will stand in their front windows like prairie dogs sniffing the wind. Some will even have cordless phones to their ears, providing a running commentary for those with a poor vantage point.

On a positive note, peeler visits contribute to the improved appearance of The Sack. If they come during the day, an inordinate number of residents will engage in some form of outdoor home maintenance. During the winter, snow will suddenly require shoveling. Both activities offer a close-up view of the peeler visit.

***

Gordon is a very serious man who lives in The Sack. He is very good at complaining about almost everything.

According to Oscar, the speed dial function on Gordon’s phone is devoted entirely to targets of his complaints. This includes, but is not limited to, the local city councillor, the member of the provincial legislature, waste and snow removal services, parking enforcement and, quite likely, the Prime Minister of Canada.

***

At the first hint of something untoward in The Sack, Gordon will be seen standing solemnly at his front window. In the evening, his silhouette is like a lonely sentry standing guard over the street.

Both Oscar and I agree that it must be very hard to be Gordon.

***

Gordon recently had cause to summon the peelers to his home.

His security alarm sounded one morning at about 1:00 a.m. The source of the alarm came from his patio doors. Peering through the glass, Gordon was shocked to discover four young thugs standing menacingly on his back deck. According to Gordon, the invaders were clad in “puffy jackets.”

***

The peelers arrived with great haste. Wielding flashlights, four officers proceeded to the back of Gordon’s home.

Despite the hour, half of The Sack was already aware of the unfolding drama. A correspondent had already called Gordon and the story quickly filtered through the street.

***

Agonizing minutes passed before the officers returned to the front of the house. Surprisingly, they spoke only briefly to Gordon, before driving away without any suspects in custody. Gordon did not answer his phone to give The Sack an update on the affair.

***

The next day, it was learned that Gordon’s observational skills were something less than admirable.

Not only were his invaders not wearing puffy jackets, but they were curiously lacking in any human characteristics at all. Upon investigation the peelers had discovered four large raccoons lounging on Gordon’s deck.

***

The raccoons apparently fled the scene when accosted by the peelers. In their wisdom, the peelers declined to pursue the critters.

***

Wasting the peelers' time was hardly a concern for Gordon. Instead, he complained about the increasing encroachment of wild animals on human territory. Someone, he felt, needed to do something about this.

***

Oscar claims that Gordon even wrote a letter to the editor of the local paper to complain about the “raccoon problem.” I read the paper every day, but I didn’t see it.

***

A few years ago, the Wonders’ home was also the scene of a peelers visit. Fortunately, we were not the focus of their attention.

***

Upon returning from our weekly grocery run, late on a Saturday morning, we motored into the pleasantness of The Sack. We had nothing more on our minds than a nutritious luncheon.

As we neared the house, Mrs. Wonders poked me sharply in the ribs and pointed with a shaking finger.

Parked in our driveway was a peeler car. Its roof light was flashing with great urgency. Beyond the driveway, an old and battered maroon-coloured car sat on the grass leading to our backyard.

***

Sitting on our porch were two nefarious-looking characters. One of them had the audacity to sit on of one the Muskoka chairs. Anyone in their right mind would know that this location is reserved for guests on the show hosted by Oscar and myself.

Standing over the thugs were two peelers, both with notebooks in hand.

***

Here is what preceded this scene: A low-speed chase of the distressed vehicle had begun several kilometres away. Looking for a quick turn to escalate their escape, the scoundrels entered The Sack.

Unfortunately, the suspects soon found themselves in the “cul” of the “sac”. They told the peelers they were unaware of being pursued. In fact, they were simply coming to visit a “good friend” at our address. The police, of course, were skeptical, wondering why it was necessary to park on the grass, instead of the driveway.

***

Once Mrs. Wonders and I confirmed that the thugs were not among our existing group of social contacts, the matter was quickly resolved. Inexplicably, the peelers allowed the men to leave. The car, unregistered and uninsured, was required to stay until a tow truck could take it away.

After a peeler search of the car, the ne’r-do-wells were permitted to retrieve some personal items. Before doing so, they smiled politely at Mrs. Wonders and me. One of them even nodded and uttered a pleasant, “How ya doin’, eh?”

***

Reaching into the car, one of the thugs pulled out a few pieces of clothing and passed one to his friend.

They smiled and nodded at us again and then walked jauntily down the street, each with a puffy jacket slung over his shoulder

***

Road Trip

We apologize for the temporary lull in reporting on cul-de-sac related matters.

Work related tasks have brought us to the great metropolis of Toronto. Oscar has departed for France. The Sack is left to its own devices, guarded only by an army of Dougs.

We will resume from Toronto, as soon as the technology gods allow.

***

Long Weekend Miscellany

At 10:30 p.m. on Sunday, Mrs. Wonders and I return from viewing a movie. For those who are interested, we saw The March of the Penguins. For those still interested, we give it a very high approval rating.

***

It is a cool, but comfortable night. We drive into The Sack and see a gathering upon Oscar's porch.

Oscar sits among several empty cans of drink. Half of The Sack's Doug population is sitting with him. In this instance, I mean Computer Doug and Little Doug.

Both Oscar and Computer Doug have returned from the Rolling Stones concert. Oscar went with a group of childhood friends, while Computer Doug attended with his wife, Marion.

They are embroiled in an excited review of the concert.

***

Oscar and Computer Doug go on about Mick and Keif. They talk about the songs the Stones played and mostly agree about the specific albums the songs originated from. When they begin to match albums with the year of release, Little Doug suddenly erupts in a horrible coughing fit.

Still coughing, he mumbles apologies and heads off to his home for the night.

***

This is not the first time Little Doug has had a coughing fit and then excused himself. It is only tonight that I have recognized a pattern in this behaviour.

This is Little Doug's way of getting out of a discussion that he has no interest in.

I am impressed. It is a subtle strategy and it's effective.

***

For the record, both Oscar and Computer Doug raved about the concert.

Computer Doug has seen the Stones many times and felt it was one of their best shows. Oscar rated the show as an 8.75 on a scale of one to ten. Computer Doug concurred.

I can't believe that I have just written a mini review of the Stones concert in Moncton.

***

Oscar says that I would have liked the show, if I had been there.

I tell him: "If the Stones were playing at the local pub and I just happened to be there that night, then you might be right."

***

While Oscar enjoyed the show, the rest of his weekend away was somewhat of a disappointment.

He had steeled himself for a weekend of "debauchery," far from the demands of daily cul de sac life. Instead, he found that his accommodations were located in a very remote area, far from any nightlife or large gatherings.

Apart from the concert itself, Oscar says the best part of the trip was when he saw a moose.

***

In other Sack news, young Doo approached me this morning with an important question. He asked me why I back my car into the driveway, instead of simply driving straight in.

I wondered why he was so curious about such a thing. He pointed around The Sack and said that I was the only one to do this.

I was impressed by his perceptiveness.

***

His question deserved a very serious response. I told him that I backed in, so that I would have the convenience of simply driving out when I leave.

Thinking that this could be what an educator might call a teachable moment, I also said: "Sometimes we do the hardest things first, so it will be easier for us later."

Wee Doo looked up at me, while shading the sun from his eyes. Then he said, "So, why do you put your car in the driveway backwards?"

***

So, I told him my real reason for backing in. I do this because I am crazy.

Doo was very pleased with this response. He laughed and toddled off down the street.

***

Finally, I must correct some important details about Mulva.

She is Korean, not Chinese. She is here for a few months to learn English at a school near a university.

I know this, because I encountered her at a barbeque in The Sack during the weekend.

***

Because she has only been here a short time, there is only one English word she is proficient with. It is the word 'fine'.

So, I report that Mulva is doing fine. Had she attended the Rolling Stones concert, I am sure she would say that, it too, was fine.

***

Doo The Right Thing

Mrs. Wonders is in solid agreement with the idea of maintaining good relations with children in The Sack. On occasion, she has taken bold steps to gain favour with them.

***

She has hosted several impromptu "pop and chip parties" on our front lawn. These affairs have been well-received among Sack kids.

During the summer months, Mrs. Wonders is also known for mass, unsolicited, distributions of popsicles.

***

I have mixed feelings about these efforts. On one hand, I see the kindness and good cheer associated with them. But, it is not particularly subtle. One does not want to try too hard.

And, of course, there are other drawbacks.

***

There is a very young lad in The Sack named Doo.

His real name is actually Drew, but he has some unfortunate difficulties with pronunciation and diction. He has now reached the lofty age of six and one hopes that speech therapy will soon be in his future.

***

Young Doo has always been a going concern in the neighbourhood.

As a four-year-old, he was known for tearing naked around The Sack on his bicycle. Oddly, he would not forget to don his bike helmet.

***

Should another fire occur in The Sack, at some point in the future, Oscar has his money squarely on Doo as the likely culprit.

***

Early on weekend mornings, it is common for wee Doo to knock upon our door.

Bedraggled and unkempt, I will struggle into my bathrobe and respond to his persistent tapping.

Doo will inquire cheerfully whether I would like to "Come out and pay." I will decline respectfully, pointing out that I have many important adult things to accomplish on my morning agenda.

By this, I am referring to such things as drinking coffee, perusing the newspaper and, quite possibly, going back to bed.

***

Undeterred, Doo will then ask whether Mrs. Wonders might like to play with him. Sometimes, I will tell him that she is 'grounded' and is not allowed beyond our door.

Doo always nods knowingly, when I tell him this.

***

What Doo may be lacking in verbal and perceptual skills, he makes up for in resourcefulness.

He will then politely ask if Mrs. Wonders and I might spare him a popsicle or some other confection from our kitchen.

***

To the reader, this may all sound terribly cute. It is less so, when Doo appears on a February morning, wrapped from head to toe in a snow suit, asking for a popsicle.

***

Doo is also prone to tantrums. He is extremely proficient in this area.

One late afternoon about a year ago, Doo was playing on the street and his mother sought to bring him home for supper. The young lad ranted and raved in an impressive fashion, before collapsing in a heap upon Computer Doug's lawn.

There are several Sack residents who make their living as nurses. One of them was present while Doo lay crumpled on the grass.

Rather excitedly, she pointed out to Doo's mom that a medical crisis was unfolding before everyone's eyes. Not only was Doo's face turning a pale shade of blue, but he also appeared to have stopped breathing.

***

Admittedly, Doo's mother is a rather odd woman. She almost always has her arms folded on her chest, even when she walks. It is difficult to know what to make of her.

She turned to the nurse with an exasperated look. She gazed down at Doo disapprovingly. Then she said, "Oh, he's always doing that."

***

She looked down at Doo again and impatiently nudged him with her foot.

Sure enough, Doo suddenly coughed and sputtered. He got up slowly and with a look of defeat.

***

Doo walked dejectedly down the street toward his home. His mother followed behind him by about six feet.

Both walked with their arms folded tightly against their chests.

***

Kidz in The Sack

We apologize first for the use of the letter 'z' to pluralize the word 'kids'. When one lives in a cul de sac, there are so few opportunities to be hip.

***

There are about fifteen children living in The Sack. About a quarter are still toddlers, with the rest ranging in age from five to thirteen. They also vary in race and cultural background.

It is a joy to see them interact so well.

***

The Sack is a unique vantage point to observe childhood development. Mrs. Wonders and I have watched with fondness and amusement, as their physical, social and intellectual skills grow.

Granted, some kidz are doing the childhood development thing better than others.

Most of The Sack kidz, however, seem destined for some degree of success in life. Certainly, there are a few that will have their work cut out for them.

This is the nature of life.

***

If there is one thing that Oscar and I will agree on, it is this: it is good practice to maintain positive relations with kidz in The Sack.

This view is not just built on principle. There are also some very practical reasons.

***

When we are old and infirm, we may require the services of these children.

We may be reliant on them to renew our supplies of ale and other drink. Possibly, we may need them to pick up our prescriptions for medical marijuana and other necessities of old age.

A "Mean Old Mr. Wonders" or an "Oscar the Grouch" is unlikely to receive such humanitarian aid.

***

Good relations are even more important with the potential ne'r-do-wells among kidz in The Sack. Some good humour and politeness now, may buy exemptions from stabbings and thievery later.

***

Oscar says there is one other good reason for staying on their good sides. "When I fall down and cannot get up, he says with great seriousness, there will be someone here to help me."

***

Spies, Lies and Surprises

We continue our review of The Sack's rental property people. Today, we meet the tenants who moved out last week and, of course, the new arrivals. . . .

***

A week after the memorable bridal shower at the rental house, the tenants packed up and moved to the next stage of their lives. Several weeks later, a young couple moved in.

***

It is hard to say much about this couple. They seemed to go out very infrequently. They were almost always home during the day, when most Sack residents were at work.

When they did go out, it was during odd hours and at short intervals.

***

Oscar is convinced that the young couple were CSIS agents. CSIS is the Canadian Security Intelligence Service. It is a kinder, gentler, but clumsier version of the CIA.

***

Residents of a cul de sac seem to have a much higher propensity to create and maintain rumour, in comparison to those who live in other urban environments.

Perhaps, this is because a cul de sac is more self-contained. Residents tend not to interact with people on surrounding streets in the course of their day-to-day lives.

Consequently, we spend much more time being witnesses to each other's lives.

The next time I see my friends from the New Urbanism movement, I will ask about this.

***

I did not agree with Oscar's view of the young couple as a pair of government agents.

Oscar suspects that Big Doug is using plutonium on his lawn. This is the only way, he says, that Big Doug could have achieved such a brilliant green, weedless lawn. In Oscar's view, the young couple was merely here to gather evidence.

I pointed out that Big Doug is not the kind of man who would do business with former Soviet republics. Secondly, his garage is far too orderly to be hiding a supply of plutonium. Finally, I am doubtful about its benefits as a lawn fertilizer.

Oscar simply dismisses this as naivety on my part.

***

Of course, this is all preposterous.

Nonetheless, Florence made a guest appearance on the show a few weeks later and confessed that she had heard the couple "worked for the government." When pressed, she claimed to have heard this from Little Doug.

The next time I saw Little Doug, he told me he had heard this news from Oscar.

***

A few months ago, I learned from a 'non-Sack' source that the couple were waiters at an upscale downtown bar/eatery. When I informed Oscar of this news, he simply winked and replied, "Of course, they are."

***

CSIS agents or not, the couple moved out last weekend. All things considered, they were very nice people and good neighbours. They kept to themselves, but interacted respectfully when needed. This is okay with me.

Big Doug still has a perfect lawn. To the best of my knowledge, he has not been arrested for anything.

***

We now turn our attention to the newest tenants.

Again, they are a young couple, except they have two children. Apparently, they are a blended family. This is also okay with me.

Oscar told me this yesterday, just before he left for The Stones concert in Moncton. He also told me something else. Specifically, it's news about the man.

What Oscar told me is not a rumour. This time, it is true.

***

The new man's name is Doug.

Incredibly, he becomes the fourth Doug currently living in The Sack. In total, he is the fifth Doug to make his home here.

This must be some kind of national, if not international, record.

***

Oscar and I have agreed that he will be known tentatively as Rental Doug. We need more time to consider this, but it must wait until Oscar returns from The Stones.

This is our second opportunity in one week to give someone a new name. We want to make sure we get it right this time.

***

Rental Property

A few years ago, a Sack family moved to a distant part of the country. But, they didn't sell their house. The Sack had its first rental property.

***

The presence of a rental property did not go over well among residents of The Sack.

Burning Manor was in its glory days at the time, so people feared for the worst. Many were worried that tenants would not look after the property in the same way that a homeowner would. To the more strident, it was all a matter of property value.

***

Looking back, fears about the rental property have been unfounded. Two sets of tenants have come and gone. The newest tenants moved in yesterday.

***

The first tenants were two women and a man. They appeared to be in their late twenties.

Despite Oscar's attempts to convince residents otherwise, the three tenants enjoyed platonic relationships with each other. According to Oscar, however, unspeakable sexual shenanigans were going on beneath our noses.

He was also heard to lament their practice of keeping their curtains discreetly closed.

***

The young people seemed friendly enough and went about their business in a quiet manner. The man seemed to relish the various tasks of home maintenance. He cut and watered the grass in summer and shovelled the snow in winter.

All things considered, they were very good neighbours.

***

The most memorable part of their tenancy took place the week before they moved. One of the young women was soon to be married. A bridal shower was held at the rental house in her honour.

The party took place on a Friday night. It was still daylight when it began.

The Sack quickly filled with cars carrying an assortment of women. Many carried brightly wrapped gifts and bottles of drink. Music and jubilant voices soon filtered from the house.

In the circle at the top of the street, a group of Sack children was joyously playing tag.

Oscar and I sat languidly on my porch, awaiting our first guests on the show. We revelled in the carnival atmosphere that was percolating in The Sack.

***

Dusk soon fell. Oscar and I had just finished with our first guest, Elizabeth. Since we lack a talent co-ordinator for the show, our guests are a mystery until the show begins. Quality control can be a problem.

Elizabeth was not a very good guest at all. She was mostly incoherent. We suspected that she'd had more than the single glass of wine that wobbled dangerously in her hand.

As Elizabeth meandered home, we saw a taxi pull up in front of the rental house. A dark-haired, athletic-looking man was deposited on the sidewalk. He carried a small gym bag.

"Stripper" said Oscar calmly, but suddenly. He pointed across the street with authority.

***

Oscar was right. After the young man entered the house, a chorus of cheering erupted.

Soon, the music grew louder. Rythmic clapping began. This was followed by great whooping from the female celebrants. A steady thumping sound began to emanate from the house, a combination of the music's bass and the pounding of many feet.

***

Children still playing on the street grew curious of the ruckus. They gathered on the sidewalk in front of the house, craning their necks to see in the front window. Unable to gain a clear view, a few of the bolder ones went directly to the front window. They quickly learned why there was so much excitement inside in the rental house.

The children ran squealing from the window, their voices holding equal amounts of shock and hilarity. Their excited voices blended with the crescendo of glee that roared from the bridal shower.

***

Gradually, a calm settled upon The Sack. The music died down and only the occasional enthusiastic voice could be heard in the rental house. The children slowly separated and filtered toward their homes.

The door of the rental house soon opened and the stripper dude bounded down the steps. He was followed by four or five young women. They stood around him, some shyly and others clearly vying for his attention.

A taxi appeared. One young woman handed him a piece of paper and then kissed him quickly on the lips.

***

Little Doug drove into The Sack. The taxi passed him as he neared his house. As he got out of his car, he noticed Oscar and me on my front steps. He paused for a moment, then began walking toward us.

***

As Little Doug approached, Oscar withdrew a thin cigar from his breast pocket. I poured another glass of ale. We had another new story to discuss on the show.

***

Development Developments

Rumours grow about the development of vacant land that lies immediately north of the Sack.

It has been known for at least five years that a commercial development is planned for this land. The north side of The Sack will abut whatever becomes established there.

Opinions in The Sack are mixed about this subject.

***

Recent news suggests that a small strip mall or plaza will soon occupy the space. Oscar, for one, is ecstatic.

"In a perfect world, he says philosophically, we will have a liquor store, an outlet that carries only the finest pornography and, of course, a donair shop."

Then, he adds, "If this comes to fruition, we'll never need to leave The Sack again."

***

Liquor is a substance controlled and sold by the rich, to distract the masses from growing and using marijuana.

Pornography, some say, is in the eye of the beholder.

A donair is another matter entirely.

***

A donair is a ghastly food product that enjoys much favour among the local populace. It is typically ingested after a night of drinking and carousing in the downtown quarter.

I am told that it consists of thinly shaved 'meat', covered liberally with a greyish, soup-like liquid. It is normally served on some form of bread product.

I am also told that it is sometimes possible to actually hear the sound of one's arteries hardening as the evil mixture is digested.

***

I will now stand accused of hypocrisy.

I have never eaten a donair, nor do I plan to. But I would happily pay to see The Rolling Stones, if faced with a choice between them and eating a donair.

***

Mrs. Wonders and I would be very pleased if a garden centre bloomed on the vacant land. Florence says she would prefer a small grocery store. Computer Doug wants a 24-hour child care centre. The remaining Dougs favour a hardware store. Elizabeth is hopeful for a pharmacy.

Oscar says he spoke with Mulva today. He claims that she is "on side" with the liquour/porn/donair development.

***

First, We See England, Then We See France.

Oscar's impending trip to France reminds us of another memorable moment in The Sack.

***

A cul de sac cannot simply be built. It must develop and mature. The Sack is currently in its preadolescent stage.

***

Four years ago, there were still open building lots in The Sack. Over the span of six months, five new houses were built. The Sack is now full.

***

On a particular Saturday afternoon, Oscar and I sit leisurely on my front steps. We sip iced cappuccino and speak little.

We watch our soon-to-be neighbour, Elizabeth drive into The Sack. She has been making weekly visits to check on the construction of her new home. This is a wise decision.

***

The new house is completely framed. The roof is in place, but only partially shingled. The outside of the foundation is yet to be filled in. The house still lacks its front steps and porch. An eight-foot ladder is the only means of gaining entry into the house.

***

Oscar and I wave to Elizabeth in a practiced, neighbourly fashion. She waves back and gives us a broad smile. We are becoming familiar.

***

Elizabeth is matronly in appearance and rather regal in deportment. She is wearing a bright, sleeveless summer dress. Sunglasses rest on her head. On her feet, she sports high-heeled sandals.

Our new neighbour begins to climb the ladder, in order to inspect the progress on the house's interior. This is not a wise decision.

***

Oscar and I are distracted by the sudden appearance of a hummingbird moth. It looks like a hummingbird, but it is actually a moth.

As we marvel about Nature's creativity, we are interrupted by a short, high-pitched shriek.

***

Elizabeth has fallen between the top two rungs of the ladder. To make matters worse, the bottom of her dress has become entangled with the ladder as she plunged between the rungs.

She is now clinging to the ladder. Her dress is bunched up and covering her head. She swings gently under the ladder with her stomach and panties now exposed to the gentle Maritime sun.

***

Oscar and I simply stand up and watch. We are mesmerized.

Fortunately, Big Doug is only several houses away from Elizabeth. Engrossed in the task of creating the perfect lawn, he was still alerted by her exclamation.

***

Big Doug carefully and modestly disentangles Elizabeth from the ladder. He, too, is now familiar with our new neighbour.

***

In unspoken agreement, Oscar and I move to my backyard, leaving Elizabeth alone with her embarrassment.

We look briefly for more hummingbird moths. There are none to be found. To this day, we have not seen another one.

***

Naming Rights

Sunday --- it is a glorious, sunny day in The Sack.

An impromptu gathering of residents chat idly at the curb. Florence, our next door neighbour, joins the fray and asks for our collective assistance.

***

It seems that her new foreign student arrived late last night. Everyone feigns surprise. It is impossible to be unaware of such comings and goings in The Sack. Official announcements about such matters are redundant.

***

The young woman is from China and will attend a local university beginning next week. According to Florence, she speaks little, if any, English. Apparently, unless one is a Chinese linguist, it is impossible to pronounce her name.

In consultation with the young woman and the organization that oversees her placement, it is decided that she requires an English name. It is this matter that Florence seeks our assistance with.

***

Oscar and I are deeply moved. It is a privilege to bestow a name upon another human being. Outside of the birth of a child, it is a rare opportunity, indeed.

***

There is a flurry of discussion among those present. Oscar and I separate ourselves from the group. We require some solitude to give this matter the quiet, careful consideration it deserves.

We run through a number of possible names. Oscar massages his chin. He is taking this task very seriously. We respectfully debate the advantages and disadvantages of each other's ideas. Finally, after much meditation on the matter, we agree on one of Oscar's first suggestions.

***

We have decided that the new Chinese student should be known as Mulva, in homage to an old episode of Seinfeld. We agree that this moniker is easy to pronounce, remember and spell. It is also pop culturally relevant.

***

We are dismayed to find that the rest of the neighbours have moved onto Florence's porch. Before we can make our announcement, we learn that a name has already been chosen. The young woman has been informed and is apparently quite pleased with her new handle.

Oscar is devastated. He will not be seen for the rest of the afternoon.

***

The charming young student's new name is Tammy.

***

Oscar and I will be sticking with Mulva.

***

Talk Show Hosts

It was Oscar's birthday on Friday, so we repair to a sidewalk cafe at the dinner hour. It is a very pleasant evening.

During the course of the evening, we meet an East Indian man. He complains to us about his eating disorder. Later, we converse with a young man sporting the largest Mohawk haircut we have ever seen. One can only encounter such people when going about town with Oscar.

We return to The Sack at about 10 p.m. and recline on my porch with refreshments. Although it is Oscar's birthday, this will be a low key affair. Oscar has several high key affairs coming up, so he claims he is "conserving himself".

***

Next weekend, Oscar will travel to Moncton to attend the Rolling Stones concert. Outside of owning a "helper monkey", seeing The Stones is one of Oscar's greatest aspirations.

The following weekend, Oscar will depart for France. It is a work-related gig. Going to France was previously a great aspiration. But, this will be his second visit.

Very soon, owning a "helper monkey" will become Oscar's main focal point.

***

I have not attended a Rolling Stones concert, nor do I plan to. I have not been to France, either and, quite frankly, do not plan to go.

But, if someone paid for me to go to France, I would go.

My position on The Stones, however, is steadfast.

***

Back on the porch, we are soon joined by Little Doug. He is our first guest of the evening. Because of this, he is directed to the Muskoka chair. Some people would also call it an Adirondack chair. This is where guests on the show typically sit.

***

We ask him if he has brought 'clips' from any new movies he might be starring in. He has no idea what we are talking about.

Oscar can make Little Doug laugh to the brink of urination. Ultimately, this is what leads Little Doug to conclude his appearance on the show.

***

Soon, Computer Doug makes a rare guest appearance. It is just past eleven o'clock. He tells us that intensive negotiations with his children have enjoyed a breakthrough. They have agreed to go to bed.

Computer Doug's appearance on the show lasts for two beers. For him, this is an indepth interview length of time to be on the show. We surmise that Computer Doug is under a lot of stress right now. He does not bring any 'clips' with him, either.

***

Our final guests are Daisy, Little Doug's daughter and her prospective husband, Weed. Though it is approaching the midnight hour, they are preparing to venture out of The Sack in search of fast food. They review possible destinations with us.

We forget to ask if they brought any 'clips' with them.

***

The talk of food sends us to our homes. We say good night to the silent Sack and begin to inspect the contents of our respective refrigerators. For tonight, the show is over.

***

Burning Manor (Part II): "Friends & Foes"

The owners of Burning Manor, whom we shall now dub, Dirk and Dora, entertained many colourful friends at their home.

***

A field guide to the friends of Burning Manor would reveal the following: "The male of the species is rarely seen wearing a shirt and proudly displays a carefully developed beer belly for all to enjoy. Crudely drawn tattoos are de rigueur for the male".

Oscar claims that he once saw the words 'LOVE' and 'HAT' inscribed on one gentleman's knuckles. This could be true.

The field guide might go on to say: "The female friend of Burning Manor is distinguished by an unmistakeable aura of danger. Females also sport crudely drawn tattoos and beer bellies. Thankfully, they wear shirts".

***

Friends of Burning Manor can also be easily identified by their automobiles. The absence of one or more hub caps and the presence of dents and incomplete body work are surefire signs of a friend.

Oscar believes that Dirk and Dora choose their friends according to this characteristic. This could be true, as well.

***

To the dismay of residents in The Sack, a number of these colourful friends actually become residents of Burning Manor for varying lengths of time.

***

My favourite live-in friend of Burning Manor was a guy named Buddy. Buddy lived there for about a year, along with a car of indeterminate colour that was completely bereft of hub caps.

Like Dirk and Dora, Buddy was fond of the drink. While Dirk and Dora had trouble with their big dog after a night at the tavern, Buddy suffered from a different problem altogether.

***

Upon returning from the tavern, Buddy seemed unable to determine, through sight alone, which house in The Sack he actually belonged to. For Buddy, locating Burning Manor became a process of elimination.

***

One evening, I watched Buddy try to enter four different homes, before finding Burning Manor.

The first house he stumbled toward was locked. He gained entry to the second house momentarily, before being sternly turned away be one of the Dougs.

The third house was locked, but Buddy spent several minutes trying to open the door with his key. Either frustration or boredom lead him to the fourth house.

***

Buddy walked right into the fourth house. Ten minutes passed. I watched with amusement and growing trepidation.

Suddenly, the door of the house flew open. Buddy came reeling out, quickly followed by an obviously irate female home owner. He ambulated across her lawn in a zigzag pattern, stopping once to pick up the crumbled package of cigarettes he had dropped. Finally, he stumbled through the door of Burning Manor. Home at last.

For several minutes, the woman stood on her porch with her arms folded. She was speechless.

***

I am told that Buddy was found relieving himself in the main floor bathroom of the woman's home. I hope this is not true.

***

A curious thing about Buddy --- several weeks later, his dented car, sans hub caps, no longer leaves the driveway of Burning Manor. An equally distressed vehicle begins to pick him up for work each morning.

Oscar has it on good account that an impaired driving charge was involved. This is almost certainly true.

***

It was not unusual for friends of Burning Manor to become foes of Burning Manor. Dora, it seemed, was no stranger to conflict.

***

Listen to this:

Several years ago, a certain female friend took up residence at Burning Manor. She and Dora seemed to be very good pals indeed.

Alas, within a week, some form of disagreement took place. Residents of The Sack enjoyed front row seats to a screaming match between Dora and her pal. The match took place on the front lawn of Burning Manor at about 7 pm.

Any sober observer of the match would declare Dora as the clear winner. Her winning strategy was to throw the other woman's belongings, piece by piece, off the porch of Burning Manor and onto the front lawn.

A taxi was summoned. The 'friend turned foe' threw an armful of clothing and other personal items in the back of the cab. She was never seen again.

***

Actually, she was seen again. She came back the next day, accompanied by the police.

***

It seemed that Dora had neglected to throw all of the woman's belongings onto The Sack during the previous fight. Certain of these items were now in dispute.

***

A rematch of the previous fight occurred. This fight took place with Dora and her former friend standing on opposite sides of a police car.

Eventually, Dora was escorted back into Burning Manor by a police officer. He emerged momentarily with the desired belongings. Dora reappeared and continued with a venomous tirade directed at her erstwhile friend.

The police officers hustled the other woman into the car and prepared to drive away. They looked bemused and befuddled.

***

Several weeks before the fire, someone apparently threw a rock through the front window of Burning Manor.

Rumours around town suggest the rock and the fire were initiated by a 'friend turned foe'. Others believe these acts were carried out by the foe of a friend who was living at Burning Manor at the time. Either story could be true.

***

Mrs. Wonders says the hijinks at Burning Manor are "crazy and stupid". I can only reply, "This is true".

***

Burning Manor (Part I): "The Dog Days"

We now return to the scorched house on The Sack, heretofore known as Burning Manor. We also proclaim that it is now acceptable to make light of this whole affair.....

***

According to Oscar, there should be an entrance exam before taking residence in a cul de sac. Not a difficult exam, of course, but one that would ensure adherence to the most minimum of behavioural standards within this suburban bubble.

***

Where to begin in describing the life and times of Burning Manor? I suppose it began with the most simple of suburban annoyances.

Shortly after taking possession of the newly built Burning Manor, this rather scruffy-looking couple acquires a big dog. Let's make that a big, barking dog.

The big, barking dog soon becomes a fixture, tied for all hours on the front lawn of Burning Manor. The big, barking dog does what any self-respecting canine would do in a similar situation; he barks madly at everything that moves and escapes from his prison with increasing regularity.

***

Residents of The Sack quickly become perturbed. Several residents have confrontations with the woman from Burning Manor.

They quickly learn that she is not a woman to be trifled with. They also learn that she has a proclivity for swearing, threatening and the spraying of copious amounts of saliva.

***

The big, barking dog was not a bad dog, even though he did bite me once. During one of his frequent escapes from custody, I endeavoured to make friends with him. In his enthusiasm, he bit me on the right hand.

Still, he wasn't a bad dog. He was just a big, barking and bored dog.

***

As the big, barking and bored dog became the source of much frustration in The Sack, a new twist occurred. The cheerful couple from Burning Manor acquired a second dog.

The new dog was much smaller. I'm not even sure if it had the capacity to bark. It did not appear to require confinement, because it was left to roam freely on the front lawn. The big, barking and bored dog seemed pleased to have a companion. He barked less, but he escaped more often.

***

One day, the little dog ran away from The Sack. Sadly, on one of the main roads, a car struck it. The little dog suffered a leg injury and, thereafter, would walk with a significant limp.

***

In 1962, the Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup. During the deciding game of the series, veteran defenseman, Bobby Baun apparently suffered a broken leg. Incredibly, Bobby Baun somehow returned to the game and scored the winning goal. This is the stuff of legends.

***

Thanks to Oscar, the little dog became known as Doggy Baun. I still laugh everytime I hear this. I even laughed when I typed it. However, I will admit that one would need to be a pretty big Toronto Maple Leafs fan to appreciate such an obscure reference. This is probably why only Oscar and I laugh ourselves silly over it.

***

Back in The Sack, complaints to the Animal Control folks began to mount. Soon, the dogs were relegated to the back yard of Burning Manor. Barking and escaping continued, but to a much lesser degree.

Indirectly, however, the big, barking and bored dog continued to be part of another problem. The couple from Burning Manor had a penchance for spending long hours at a local tavern. I have no trouble with this.

Upon returning home in the wee hours, however, the dog would invariably escape through the front door as the couple stumbled in. It seemed as if they would be surprised to discover that they even owned a dog, each time they returned from the tavern.

***

Whenever the big dog escaped onto The Sack at 3 a.m., he enjoyed himself immensely. His favourite game appeared to be 'Hide and Seek'. The harder the drunken couple would look for the dog, the more it seemed to relish its freedom. I have no trouble with this, either.

***

The woman from Burning Manor was really the problem.

While searching for the dog at 3 a.m., she would call out for it using a raspy, slurred 'day-time' voice. Many a nights sleep have been interrupted in The Sack by this voice.

At the risk of threats, cursing and saliva, some residents would yell at her from their darkened homes. Others would slam their windows with gusto, a move that, inevitably, proved far too subtle for her to understand.

***

It has now been one week without sleep interruption on The Sack.

***

Next: Burning Manor (Part II): "Friends and Foes"

***

Not One of Her Better Days.....

Tonight, around supper time, a young woman went crazy in The Sack.

Perhaps it might be better to say that she had an uncontrolled meltdown. No one is quite sure what inspired her explosion, but it may have had something to do with a telephone call she was engaged in when her torrent began.

According to some residents, a loud ranting and raving was emanating from her house, loud enough to make people stop in the street and some to open their doors. Everyone looked at each other in that now-familiar face that says, "Now, what!!??".

Eventually, the young woman came storming out into the street, cursing and bellowing. She was last seen striding stiffly, but purposefully, down the street.

Then, everyone went back to what they were doing.....

***

Dougs I Know

We continue with non-fire related posts.....

***

There are three people named Doug who live in The Sack. There has been a total of four Dougs who have called The Sack home, but one Doug moved. He is referred to as Doug That Moved, in order to differentiate him from the current Dougs.

I was not acquainted with Doug That Moved, as he moved before Mrs. Wonders and I arrived. Oscar, however, was acquainted with Doug That Moved. According to Oscar, Doug That Moved "seemed okay".

***

Interestingly, the house previously owned by Doug That Moved was purchased by another Doug. Who could have predicted this?

***

It is a serious business separating the Dougs while in conversation about events in The Sack. If one was to say, "I was talking to Doug the other day...", great confusion would likely arise.

The Sack has a rudimentary Doug Identification System to alleviate such confusion.

***

Firstly, there is Big Doug, who, as the name implies, is quite a big man. Naturally, there is a Little Doug. Both Big and Little Doug are quite handy with tools and such. This is a good thing for The Sack.

Both Dougs can also be depended upon if one needs a 'doohickey' or even a 'whatchamacallit'. Big and Little Doug seem to have ample supplies of such items in their respective garages. This is also a good thing for The Sack.

***

If you have guessed that the third Doug is called Medium Doug, you would be wrong. This Doug is actually referred to as Computer Doug, because his job seems to be related, in some way, to computers.

Computer Doug cannot be depended upon, if there is something amiss with your house. This is not because his house doesn't have a garage. Household repair and maintenance are a bit of a mystery to Computer Doug.

However, if there is something wrong with your computer, Computer Doug can definitely help you.

***

All of the Dougs are very nice people and very good neighbours. Based on my experience so far, you can't go wrong with a Doug on your cul de sac.

***

According to Oscar, Jesus Christ had a younger, less well-known brother named Doug. I remain doubtful about this.

***