Dancing With the Devil

The Oscarama edition of our show last Saturday saw a record number of guests. Almost all of them were drop-in guests. Only Little Doug was there for the entire show.

Little Doug used the show to debut his new upper dental plate. It finally arrived last week. Two previous plates had failed to meet with his approval. Apparently, neither fit properly.

Little Doug's original upper plate was damaged in an unfortunate accident. Apparently it had been knocked off the sink in an errant moment. Little Doug was unaware that it landed in a toilet that was subsequently used and flushed.

When he eventually made repairs to the blocked toilet, Little Doug recovered the dental plate.

Even though the teeth were still intact and functional, Little Doug said the psychological damage was already done.

Fortunately, Little Doug says this new dental plate looks like a keeper.

***

Equipped with his new teeth, Little Doug confirmed his intention to attend the Rolling Stones concert a few weeks from now. He said the new teeth will also allow him to become more serious about dating. He's been meeting people on a local internet singles site, but hasn't wanted to meet anyone in person until he had his upper teeth to flash around.

Little Doug says the dental plate will open up all kinds of new doors for him. He could be right about this.

***

Both Daisy and Weed were guests on the show. But they had to come at separate times because of Baby Doug. The show was on at the same time the wee one was supposed to be asleep. So they took turns keeping an eye on him.

This, of course, was just as well. Oscar has very strong opinions when it comes to babies on our show. He is dead set against the idea. Oscar says his position on the issue is not a matter of prejudice. He just doesn't think babies are very good guests.

"When was the last time," he said to me with a challenging look, "you heard a baby say something interesting?"

***

Daisy tells us that Britney Bitterman is still seeing her beau, Maxwell, even though he's still banished from the Bitterman homestead.

Apparently, Britney feels some kinship with Daisy since both had given birth around the same time. Whenever she sees Daisy around the Sack or at the local mall, she makes a point of bending Daisy's ear.

Britney says that Maxwell is very good with Baby Maybe. As evidence, she mentioned the new bicycle he has bestowed upon his son. Even though Baby Maybe won't be able to ride it for about five years, Britney assures Daisy that it's a "top of the line" bicycle.

Oscar said it wouldn't be helpful for us to know how Maxwell acquired the bicycle for Baby Maybe. He could be right about this.

At the same time, Britney also reports that Maxwell hasn't given her a "bloody red cent" since Baby Maybe was born. The problem, according to Britney, is that Cutlass Supreme Painting, Maxwell's fledgling business, continues to flounder.

***

When Weed replaced Daisy in the guest's chair, he provided us with a full update on the nefarious Maxwell. Weed, of course, is the Sack's official Maxwell correspondent.

Maxwell admitted to Weed that he has indeed been collecting refundable bottles and cans along a route that includes the Sack. Oscar, of course, recently saw Maxwell riding in a pickup truck that was purloining these items from the Sack's blue bags.

According to Maxwell, he was only doing a favour for his cousin, the owner of the pickup truck. He says his cousin is "best buds" with someone who's well acquainted with a man who's building a new apartment building in the old town. Cutlass Supreme Painting, according to Maxwell, is almost certainly going to win the painting contract for the place.

Somehow, I recall hearing this story before.

***

The biggest news from Maxwell concerns the actual 1991 Cutlass Supreme that lies at the heart of his business aspirations.

Maxwell reports that the illusive car has been sold to someone else.

The new buyer, of course, has no interest in selling the vehicle to Maxwell. Fortunately, the new buyer is also another one of his many cousins.

"I get first dibs whenever he does decide to sell it," he told Weed with pride.

Oscar says it would be hard to run across a more determined man than Maxwell. Strangely, he could be right about this.

***

Maxwell claims that it's very likely that he'll be buying a 1995 Plymouth Voyager sometime next week. And despite this purchase, he says he'll be sticking with Cutlass Supreme Painting as the company moniker "irregardless."

Weed says Maxwell has a very good reason for retaining the Cutlass Supreme name. Apparently, he still has about eight hundred business cards imprinted with this name. If he runs out of the cards before the 1991 Cutlass Supreme comes up for sale again, Maxwell says he'll change the business name then.

Maxwell admits that revenue has been slow. That's why new business cards just aren't in the budget right now. Besides, he claims the name, Cutlass Supreme Painting is already well known around the old town. It would be a monumental task to start telling people about Plymouth Voyager Painting instead.

People, Maxwell told Weed, would be confused if he changed the name now. He could be right about this.

***

Still, Maxwell's current business cards have brought him some good fortune, even though the company itself remains without a single dollar of revenue.

According to Weed, Maxwell likes to look for contests where one simply drops a business card in a bowl or box to enter. One is more likely to run across such contests at restaurants, bars and smaller retail places.

When Maxwell finds such a contest, he makes a point of stuffing the container with his cards. Apparently it's important to avoid putting in too many cards. Maxwell says the business will smell a rat if you do that.

If it sounds to you like Maxwell knows what he's talking about, then you're correct. Over the last six months, he has won three prizes.

***

If anyone is interested in a custom-made, leather bowling bag (candlepin version, of course) or a twenty-four pack of white tube socks, Weed says they should get in touch with Maxwell. Apparently, he is willing to give a lucky customer a very good deal.

Maxwell won both items in business card prize draws.

Weed promised him he would let people in the Sack know about the generous prices on the two items.

***

Maxwell decided to keep the third prize for himself. It was a coupon for a great feed of mussels at a local sports bar.

When he used the coupon, Maxwell found the mussels to be "mediocre, at best." According to Weed, Maxwell fancies himself as a bit of an expert on mussels sold at some of the old town's taverns and sports bars.

Apparently Maxwell worked on a mussel farm in the distant past. Weed wasn't sure exactly how long Maxwell worked there. He said it could have been six months, three months or even a few weeks. As usual, he said Maxwell was rather short on the specifics of the experience.

Nevertheless, the farm is where Maxwell developed his expertise on mussels.

***

If there are three things that Maxwell knows a lot about, it's painting, candlepin bowling and now, of course, mussels.

***

The most interesting thing to happen during the Oscarama edition of the show was the appearance of Rental Doug.

Generally, Sack people haven't had much direct contact with Rental Doug, despite the fact that he was last year's recipient of the DOTY Award. The DOTY, of course, is the Sack's Doug of the Year award.

Slowly, however, this has started to change. The kids from his blended family are now well integrated with other Sack kids. This has brought more interaction between Rental Doug, his spouse (Mrs. Rental Doug) and Sack parents.

Rental Doug, of course, had a reason for appearing on the show. He was there to promote a Sack street sale for next weekend. He wants to get as many people as possible to have a garage sale at the same time.

Weed, who was still present when Rental Doug appeared, said the street sale would be a golden opportunity for Maxwell to sell his bowling bag and tube socks.

***

All things considered, Rental Doug was a very pleasant fellow during the show. In honour of Oscarama, he even indulged in the drink. He chatted amicably and proved himself to be quite agreeable. There was no evidence at all that he has any connections to Satan.

Oscar, of course, believes that Rental Doug is Satan's man in the Sack. Later, I mentioned to him that it's unlikely that anyone with Satanic connections would be wasting his time on a ballroom dancing class. Rental Doug had told us during the show that he and his wife were beginning these classes next week.

Oscar gave me an impatient look and said, "That's exactly what he wants you to think."

***

Rental Doug left the show just as our next guest arrived. They were introduced to each other by Weed. The two men nodded at each other politely. Neither offered a hand to the other, so they didn't shake hands. It was an awkward moment.

The new guest was Jeff Christ.

Jeff only stayed for a few minutes. He had to work at Canadian Tire the next morning, so he didn't want to stay up too late.

***

Of course, when Jeff Christ went home, Oscar and Weed engaged in a raucous debate about the brief meeting between the young man and Rental Doug. Much ado was made about the absence of a handshake. Apparently, this is virtual proof that the men are rivals of epic proportion.

Little Doug quickly lost interest in the debate between Oscar and Weed. He told me that he was thinking seriously about taking Maxwell up on the deal for the white tube socks.

According to Little Doug, a man can never have too many white tube socks. He could be right about this.

***

Little Doug also started talking about ballroom dancing classes. He said his ex-wife had wanted them to do the same thing a few years before their marriage ended. Little Doug said he kept putting her off. Eventually, she didn't talk about it anymore.

The next thing he knew she was running off with someone she met on the Internet.

So Little Doug thinks it's a very good idea for Rental Doug to take ballroom dancing classes with Mrs. Rental Doug, even if he's related to Satan. Then he asked me what I thought about the matter.

I just told him he could be right about this, too.

***