1. Diabetic socks rock.*
2. Tagless underwear are pretty good, too.**
3. There are few practical uses for one shoe.***
With a respectful nod toward one of Balloon Pirate's literary devices:
* I do not have diabetes. I bought the socks by mistake.
** Underwear with sewn-on tags never really bothered me much. My new underwear just happens to be tagless. I wasn't aware of this until I opened the packages.
*** I returned from Toronto with only one dress shoe. Apparently, the other one was left in the trunk of my rental car (it's a long story).
***
Autumn has descended upon the Sack like a hastily-drawn curtain. The leaves on the poplar tree behind the Wonders' back deck seemed to turn a brilliant orange almost overnight. When your agent drew the curtains on the patio window last Sunday, temporary blindness almost ensued.
Of course, the falling leaves that accompany autumn bring a new diversion for Sack residents. There will be much raking to be done as the demands of summer lawn care subside. Thankfully, this also brings opportunity for amusement. Leaf-raking usually highlights some of the more quirky aspects of human nature among several Sack residents.
***
Naturally, Big Doug has a rigid schedule in raking any leaves that dare to fall on his award-winning lawn. Every second day will find him carefully engaged in this activity. You could probably set your watch by him.
Despite his attention to this matter, very few leaves actually seem to fall on his lawn during the autumn months. He only has to pick up a few strays each time he rakes. It's as if summer ends everywhere in the old town except at Big Doug's place. His lawn stays healthy and green right up to the first snowfall.
It's really quite a phenomenon.
***
It's possible that falling leaves intentionally stay away from Big Doug's lawn. Perhaps they can sense his indomitable spirit in seeking their removal. So, when they do fall on his property, they tend to head for his garden beds.
This, of course, is exactly where Big Doug prefers his leaves to fall. He'll add some mulch and compost and let those leaves remain where they are.
Weed, however, believes that only divine intervention must keep the leaves from falling on Big Doug's lawn. Aside from the occasional pilfering of building materials from construction sites, he says Big Doug is a clean-living man with a strong work ethic. A good lawn, free from autumn leaves, is likely one of God's small rewards.
Not surprisingly, Oscar holds an opposing view on this issue. As far as lawn matters go, he thinks Big Doug must've made some kind of deal with the Devil. This can be the only explanation, in Oscar's mind, for Big Doug's success in this area.
I have no idea about such things.
***
There is already one Sack resident whom Oscar suspects of being in league with the Devil.
Rental Doug, if not a blood-relative to the Evil One, almost certainly occupies a senior role on the Devil's management team. At least, that's Oscar's opinion on the matter.
"He might be a second cousin or something," Oscar said once. Then he added, "I'm not a hundred-percent sure about it, yet."
Oscar has promised to let your agent know when he becomes more certain about this matter.
***
The arrival of autumn always revitalizes Oscar's opinion about Rental Doug's true origins. This is because Rental Doug has a great deal of enthusiam for Halloween. Every year, he's the first to decorate his home in celebration of that playful day.
He puts a lot of effort into it, too.
In addition to a plentiful gathering of pumpkins on the porch stairs, there's also an array of homemade tombstones scattered on the front lawn. Propped against the porch is a painted cardboard coffin. A straw-filled Dracula rests comfortably inside. At night, the scene is illuminated by a soft, orange spotlight.
It's a spooky, playful scene. Sack kids love it.
***
Raked leaves also play an important role in Rental Doug's tableau. He needs them to fill several large orange plastic bags. The bags have a jack-o'-lantern face printed on the side. When filled with leaves, they become giant pumpkins.
The big orange pumpkin bags are on the front corner of the lawn, beside the driveway. This is also where the spotlights are.
Rental Doug is always willing to take your raked leaves off your hands. He needs them to fill up his bags. Even though the guy might be working for the Devil, Sack residents are always happy to oblige.
***
Little Doug has a very firm policy as far as leaf-raking is concerned. He eschews the activity entirely.
"Leaves should stay exactly where the good Lord intended them to fall," he told me once, using a philosophical tone.
Oscar shares Little Doug's position on this matter. He doesn't even own a rake. But he has a different reason for allowing leaves to remain on his lawn.
"I'm just lazy," he said with a shrug.
***
No one, however, can match Gordon when it comes to his relationship with autumn leaves. Despite furious and frequent efforts, he can't seem to keep the things off his lawn. The more he rakes, the more the leaves seem to be attracted to his property.
Oscar says it's like watching Gordon chase his own tail. He could be right about this.
***
It's true that Gordon is indefatigable when it comes to raking. He's at it almost every waking moment.
Oscar says he once saw Gordon raking before seven o'clock in the morning on a work day. I, however, remain doubtful about this. Oscar usually isn't even awake at that hour.
Nevertheless, Gordon does perservere. He rakes before the dinner hour on weekdays and will be out numerous times on a weekend. It's a major focus in his life when autumn arrives.
Last week, Weed thought Gordon had installed a scarecrow on his front lawn. But it turned out be Gordon, himself. He was taking a break from raking and was standing very still, gazing out upon the Sack. He was leaning on his high quality raking implement.
"As soon as the thing moved, I figured it must've been Gordon," said Weed with a casual tone.
***
Gordon places the blame for his excessive leaves squarely on Little Doug's stocky shoulders.
The Sack, of course, is sometimes buffetted by strong offshore winds. In this manner, Little Doug's leaves often find themselves deposited on Gordon's lawn. Although, Little Doug says this can only be the result of God's will, Sack observers think he's being a bit disingenuous. He's quite aware of the wind factor in this matter. After all, why rake the leaves when the wind will do it for you?
Besides, as Weed is quick to point out, Little Doug rarely has much to say about spiritual matters. Instead, Weed believes that God's will is really being focused on Gordon.
"It's a small punishment for being such a tit, "
***
While this autumn has brought falling leaves in its wake, it has brought something else to the Sack, as well. Several residents have suffered falls over the past few weeks. As Big Doug would probably put it, we mean the "falling on your arse" type of fall.
Elizabeth suffered the least serious of the falls. She twisted her knee after falling on her driveway. Apparently, one of her shoe heels broke as she was leaving for work one morning. Witnesses claim she landed on her keister.
Since the fall, Elizabeth has been walking around with a cane. Oscar says he saw her waving it at some Sack kids the other day. An errant basketball had broken some branches on one of her shrubs.
***
Young Doo was the second casualty. He fell on a rock in the Sack's centre circle. The rock was hidden under some leaves. A broken wrist was the young lad's reward.
A tattered white cast now covers Doo's right arm. At the boy's request, Weed drew a snarling orange pumpkin on it. Doo was thrilled with it, too. His mom wasn't that thrilled about it, however. She said Weed shouldn't do things like that just because Doo asks him.
She could be right about that.
***
Maxwell, Britney Bitterman's beau also fell down during these first weeks of autumn. He toppled off the back of a waste management truck. According to Maxwell, he broke his collarbone. He was quick to dispel any notion that he was performing his patented "Look ma, no hands!" routine when the injury occured.
"I just zigged, when I should've zagged." he told me through a gap-toothed grin.
***
Thanks to short-term disability benefits, Maxwell is still earning seventy-five percent of his income as a waste management professional. He said he hopes to be back at work as soon as possible, as long as the good Lord helps him heal quickly.
At the same time, Maxwell notes that his shoulder suffered some soft-tissue damage during the fall. He says he'll need to attend physiotherapy after his collarbone heals. This, he warned, could keep him off work longer than he would like.
"Hopefully," he said, with the same gap-tooth grin, "I'll be able to get back to it after Christmas."
Oscar says we are now witnessing the likely end of Maxwell's working years. He could be right about this.
***
Mr. Bitterman, Maxwell's de facto father-in-law, simply grunted when Oscar mentioned Maxwell's injury. Apparently, his gall bladder has been acting up again.
The elder Bitterman would only say that nothing can surprise him anymore when it comes to Maxwell. Even though both Britney and her illustrious partner have been working, he says Maxwell never seems to have "a pot to piss in." Instead, he explained, his "son-in-law" always seems to spend his money on something ridiculous, instead of saving for a new house or apartment.
These words certainly resonated with Sack residents on Saturday. That's when Maxwell accomplished something that made many of us almost fall down in our tracks: He drove into the Sack in his new car.
Maxwell is the proud new owner of a 1993 Cutlass Supreme.
***
This particular car has been the object of Maxwell's desire for a very long time. It's the cornerstone to his fledgling part-time business, Cutlass Supreme Painting.
The car has been circulating through Maxwell's vast network of relatives for many years. His cousin, Dougie Duggan, was the most recent owner. Dougie Duggan also happens to be Maxwell's boss with the old town's waste management professionals. He just acquired a 1997 Ford Ranger.
Maxwell bought the 1993 Cutlass Supreme for five hundred dollars. This included Dougie's collection of cassette tapes. Apparently, his Ford Ranger comes with a CD player.
***
Maxwell is understandably thrilled by the acquisition of this particular automobile. He already has a pet name for it. He simply calls it "my baby."
Ironically, the 1993 Cutlass Supreme will do nothing to increase the fortunes of Cutlass Supreme Painting. As Maxwell explained, his painting arm is going to be "on the fritz" for some time. Although he didn't mention it, the complete absence of any painting gigs is also a factor in the company's prospects.
None of this, however, can dispel Maxwell's enthusiasm for his new car and his company's future success. Ultimately, he expects to leave his job as a waste management professional when Cutlass Supreme Painting begins to enjoy corporate success.
"Soon as my shoulder gets fixed," he said, with a confident squint, "I'll be painting again on a full-time basis." Then he took a long draw on his cigarette and blew out a thin stream of smoke.
"But it probably won't be until next year," he added matter-of-factly, ". . . . probably next fall."
***
