Dirk and Dora, of course, are trying to sell Burning Manor. But almost three months have passed without an acceptable offer. Rental Doug has made several low-ball offers on the place, but Dirk and Dora remain stalwart in their quest for the highest possible price.
Rental Doug says it will be a cold day in hell before they get the price they're looking for.
***
There are some good reasons for Rental Doug's assessment of the matter.
Having traversed the innards of Burning Manor on a number of occasions, Rental Doug reports a lengthy list of deficiencies in the house. This includes a fist-sized hole in the wall on the main floor and a stain of unspeakable origins on the carpeted landing on the second level. There is also the matter of the still-growing "wall-o-beer-cases" in the downstairs family room.
To make matters worse, the denizens of Burning Manor have made little effort to tidy the place before it's viewed by an unsuspecting public. Rental Doug notes a litany of woes in this area, ranging from dishes in the sink to overflowing ashtrays on the kitchen counter.
During his last visit, Rental Doug reported the presence of a large purple bong sitting on the kitchen table like a centrepiece.
***
Of course, the state of the house is only one of the problems preventing the sale of Burning Manor for the desired price. There is also the matter of its most recent guest.
Bertha, a rather corpulent ex-convict arrived in the Sack in August. Recently released from a federal penitentiary, she's supposedly staying with Dirk and Dora until she gets on her feet in the community.
Oscar thinks this will be a very tall order for Bertha. After witnessing her habit of consuming copious amounts of fast food on Burning Manor's porch, he says it will take far more than free room and board to get Bertha on her feet.
"From what I can see, they're gonna need a crane to pull that off," he told me with a smirk.
***
As the months have passed, Dirk and Dora have become increasingly frustrated by their failure to get the desired price for their home. Incredibly, the couple has placed the blame for this state of affairs squarely in the lap of their real estate agent.
Elizabeth was the source of this latest tidbit of information. A "friend of a friend" happens to be married to the real estate agent in question.
Not surprisingly, the agent was aghast when Dirk and Dora complained about the length of time Burning Manor has remained unsold. Elizabeth said the agent has been telling the couple since "day one" about the need for substantial improvements in the home's appearance, if they wish to garner a decent offer.
The removal of the purple bong and Dirk's "wall-o-beer-cases" were prominent parts of the agent's advice. He also included a gentle recommendation that Bertha completely vacate the property during a scheduled open house. Bertha, of course, has been discovered sitting in the backyard and on the back deck by prospective home-buyers.
"People must think she comes with the house," Elizabeth sniffed, when she told me about the affair.
***
According to Elizabeth, Dora did not react kindly to the real estate agent's response to their complaint. Apparently, she threw one of her patented "hissy-fits" and then declared that his services were no longer required.
The agent, however, is a veteran of the house-selling game. He reminded Dora of their six-month contract and said he would be more than pleased to sue the panty hose off her in court.
Threatening Dora, as most Sack residents know, is normally akin to urinating into an Atlantic gale. You're certainly going to get more than you bargained for. Dora responded with a enough verbal venom to send most real estate agents scurrying to the door. Unbeknownst to Dora, however, her agent is not a man who flinches easily.
Prior to joining the real estate racket, the agent was a proud member of the old town's peelers for over twenty years. After calmly dabbing Dora's saliva from the lapels of his jacket, he quietly informed her of this fact. Then he said he would be happy to contact his former employer, if Dora wished to escalate matters.
According to Elizabeth, Dora shut her cake-hole immediately.
***
While Dora is prone to unpredictable behaviour, she still holds a slight edge over her partner, Dirk in the intelligence department. On the other hand, Dirk is miles ahead of her in the area of sensibility.
Recognizing the futility of their position, Dirk took matters into his own hands and made some immediate improvements to Burning Manor's interior. He repaired the hole in the wall on the main floor by covering it with white hockey tape. Then he removed the purple bong from the kitchen table. According to Elizabeth, it now sits on top of the toilet tank in the downstairs bathroom.
The ghastly stain on the carpeted landing has been hidden, as well. The agent says it's now covered by a pink bath mat.
Finally, Dirk took some immediate steps to cover the odour of cigarettes that permeates the house. He went to the dollar store and acquired a supply of plug-in air fresheners. The agent claims the house now bears the odour of an industrial-strength urinal cake.
Rental Doug says it will only be a matter of time before Dirk and Dora sell Burning Manor at price he can afford. He could be right about this.
***
Dirk's efforts to beautify Burning Manor did not, unfortunately, end with its interior. He took a singular step to improve the home's exterior appearance as well.
Sack residents remain uncertain whether his inspiration in this area came while adding to his infamous "wall-o-beer-cases." Weed, with a strong tone of certainty in his voice, says Dirk's idea must've been born while utilizing the purple glass bong. Either way, Sack residents awoke a few weeks ago to discover a curious addition to the home's exterior.
There is now a large lobster trap in the middle of Burning Manor's front lawn.
***
Lobster fishing, of course, has always been a significant part of life in the coastal areas of the old town's province. In some areas, a single lobster trap near the porch or front entry of a home is considered to be a piece of folk art.
But a lobster trap displayed on the lawn of suburban home is another matter entirely.
Sack residents were perplexed by Dirk's decision to beautify his home with the contraption. Some people even wondered if Dirk was actually trying to catch something with the trap. Oscar, for example, thought it might be used to snare one of the Sack's marauding raccoons. Big Doug said the lobster trap might even be aimed at catching any Sack kids who breached the perimeter of Burning Manor. Finally, Weed pondered the existence of suburban land lobsters.
Only Big Doug's idea has turned out to have any merit.
Young Doo, intrigued by this latest addition to the Sack's landscape, found himself entwined in the trap's netting several days after it appeared on Burning Manor's lawn.
***
Little Doug witnessed the incident while standing in his driveway. He was changing the oil in his pick-up truck at the time.
Doo had made a beeline for the trap as soon as he came home from school. It was late on a Tuesday afternoon. He fell to his hands and knees and began to inspect the contraption. Just as he reached inside the trap, Bertha suddenly emerged from the bowels of Burning Manor. During her brief residency in the Sack, she has already found one occasion to tell young Doo to "piss off." After this introduction to Bertha's girth and her snarly tone, the boy was quick to do exactly that.
Little Doug said he couldn't hear what Bertha said to Doo when she found him messing with the lobster trap. He said there was a good chance she told the boy to "piss off" again, because that's what the lad did. He scrambled to his feet and sprinted toward the Sack's centre circle. He quickly found cover behind one of the large ornamental rocks.
Several minutes passed before he raised his head cautiously from behind the rock, as if he expected an onslaught of sniper fire.
Fortunately, Bertha was labouring down the street in the opposite direction. She was heading out of the Sack. Oscar figures she was heading for the local KFC. After all, he said with authority, it was Loony Tuesday at the chicken joint. Apparently, one can enjoy an extra piece of the Colonel's grub for a measly Canadian dollar.
***
With Bertha out of the picture, Doo decided to approach the lobster trap again. He was soon on his hands and knees conducting a thorough inspection of the object.
Little Doug said he observed Doo's return to the front lawn of Burning Manor. Then his attention returned to his oil-changing activities. When he was in the midst of replacing the oil filter, he heard a muted cry coming from Doo's direction.
Somehow, the boy had become entangled in the lobster trap.
***
It took some effort to calm the boy down before Little Doug could untangle him from the trap. Apparently, the lad was most concerned about the imminent return of "Berfa."
When he was finally freed from bondage, Doo uttered a quick "Fanks, Mr. Doug" and then sprinted home without looking back.
Oscar said it's unlikely that Doo will ever eat lobster again. He could be right about this.
***
2 comments:
Typical addict behavior. "I want what I want when I want it," and if they don't get it then it's someone else's fault.
I'm just glad the don't have kids.
yeharr
You've got that right. . . .
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