Conflict Resolution

Jeff Christ has been living in the Sack for almost a year now.

For the most part, he keeps a low profile. He lives with his aunt and uncle, Norma and Ben. Most of his time is spent at his job in a local call centre. It's the same place where Weed is precariously employed.

When Jeff Christ first moved to the Sack, he was waiting to hear about his acceptance into the Canadian Forces. He was hoping to be an Army clerk. His Uncle Ben, of course, is a cook in the Navy. Military service, I'm told, runs in their family.

But when the defining moment came, Jeff Christ turned down the invitation to join the Canadian Forces. He had just secured the position with his current employer. Even though the military offered more money and job security, he elected to stay at the call centre. Ben says Jeff was concerned that he might be deployed to Afghanistan.

He said he didn't think he wanted to risk death at such a young age.

***

According to Weed, Jeff Christ has flourished at the call centre. In a very short period of time, he was promoted to team leader. Now he's being groomed for the next position above this station. Weed says he isn't sure what this position is called. But either way, he says Jeff Christ will be regarded as a Big Kahuna at the call centre.

"This should guarantee me a little bit more job security," he added matter-of-factly.

Weed, of course, admits to a lacklustre approach to his own entry-level position. This hasn't always endeared him to the management of the call centre. So far, however, he's managed to keep himself on the payroll.

Weed says he has great respect for Jeff Christ's rise to stardom at the call centre. He said he would probably make a better effort if Jeff was at the helm of his department. Most of his co-workers feel the same way. Apparently, Jeff Christ treats people with gentle respect. He's also very positive and encouraging.

"The drones dig him, man," said Weed plainly.

***

Shortly after Jeff Christ arrived in the Sack, Weed announced his theory about the young man's true origin. Apparently, Jeff is actually the Messiah or, as Weed likes to describe it, God's kid.

This doesn't mean, of course, that the end days are nigh. Weed believes the Son of God has spent countless human lifetimes on earth. He just lives amongst us in case things start to get out of hand.

"So if the forces of darkness erupt, He's already available to deal with it," Weed explained confidently.

I have no idea about such things.

***

But it's still fortuitous if Weed is correct about Jeff Christ. After all, the Sack is already home to one of the Devil's men. According to Oscar, Rental Doug occupies a senior position in Satan's upper management.

Apparently, Rental Doug is living in a suburban cul-de-sac for the same reason as Jeff Christ. Oscar says he's just waiting for a phone call or email from the Devil, before he leaps into action.

I have no idea about this, either.

***

So far, Jeff Christ has blended quietly into the background of Sack life. He's proven to be an unassuming, helpful and good-natured fellow. Sack kids seem to like him immensely.

But most of the time, he goes about his business almost unnoticed.

Recently, however, Jeff Christ did something quite spectacular. Single-handedly, he resolved a potential conflict between two residents. He did it quietly, creatively and with great skill.

Nevertheless, Weed says Jeff's overt display of goodness still doesn't mean He's ready to reveal Himself.

"Even the Messiah needs to exercise every now and then," he added sagely.

***

About a month ago, Gordon had a very large bone to pick with Little Doug. Bone-picking, of course, is very common in the Sack. Invariably, someone will take offense to another in the midst of cul-de-sac life.

Gordon, in particular, is very good at bone-picking. He's easily offended if someone runs afoul of his expectations of proper suburban decorum. Given the diversity amongst us, it's no surprise he would find so much room for quarrel.

Oscar says Gordon's bone-picking has almost reached legendary proportions. He thinks Gordon could probably qualify as an osteopath by now.

He could be right about this.

***

Little Doug, of course, is a mild-mannered sort. He has a refreshing capacity to see the best in the intentions of others. He's not easily offended. At the same time, he's not one to run afoul of other residents.

Little Doug would never do anything intentionally to harm anyone else.

The only wariness in Little Doug's soul is directed at certain men from the great State of Maine. A number of years ago, his wife shuffled off with a fellow she met online. He was from the great State of Maine. Their subsequent union probably marked the first time Little Doug had a bone to pick with someone.

But even if you hailed from Maine and were prone to online relationships, Little Doug would probably still give you the shirt from his back. Of course, before he started to undo his buttons, he would be a little more cautious than usual.

Aside from this matter, however, Little Doug remains a complete stranger to bone-picking. It's hard to imagine that he could be irksome to someone else.

Nevertheless, Gordon still had a bone to pick with Little Doug.

***

Gordon's ire was sparked by a property-related matter.

He lives in the house beside Little Doug's place. The land between their houses belongs to Little Doug. However, Gordon lays claim to a three-foot strip of land extending from the side of his house. There's an easement that gives him right of access to this area for any repairs or maintenance on his home.

Most Sack residents pay little attention to this side of their property. Unless there's a need for access to it, one's neighbour looks after the entire side yard. Your agent, for example, tends to the grass that abuts Florence's house. She does the same for the space that separates her from Computer Doug's place.

As a result, no one cares too much about what goes in someone's side yard. But Gordon takes a different approach to the three-foot sliver of land beside his house.

He cares for the grass on this land with all the ferocity of a fundamentalist.

***

A month ago, when Gordon was doing his business on this strip of land, here is what he saw on Little Doug's side yard:

~ Two inoperable lawn mowers. One of the mowers was resting on its side.

~ A fourteen-foot ladder lying on the ground. Between the rungs, various weeds and grasses had flourished.

~ Four bags of soil piled on top of each other. The markings on the top bag had been faded by the sun. Little Doug had intended to add the soil to his lawn.

~ A pair of sawhorses. Like the lawn mower, one was lying on its side like a toppled cow.

~ A lime-green golf bag. Apparently, Little Doug had no idea where it came from. Weed, his de facto son-in-law, claims it was abandoned there by young Doo. No one is entirely certain how Doo acquired such an unusual item or why he left it on Little Doug's side yard.

Gordon felt strongly that Little Doug's side yard had become an eyesore. He said it made the Sack look "down at the mouth." He thought Little Doug needed to get off his arse and do something about it.

"Tout de suite," he apparently added, when he discussed the matter with Ben and Norma.

***

Although Gordon had a bone to pick with Little Doug about the affair, he had no intention of raising the matter directly with his neighbour.

Instead, Gordon prefers to approach other Sack residents to complain about the source of his ire. Invariably, the complaint will find its way back to the guilty party. This is how Ben and Norma came to learn about the bone Gordon needed to pick with Little Doug.

Depending on the offending person, such matters will then continue for much longer than necessary. Knowledge of Gordon's ire is often enough to inspire intentional shenanigans by some Sack residents. Oscar, in particular, is very good at prolonging Gordon's suffering in these situations.

But this time, Jeff Christ looked after the problem. He simply made it go away.

***

Aside from the lime-green golf bag, Little Doug had very good reasons for leaving so many items strewn across his side yard.

The first lawn mower malfunctioned back in the middle of May. Little Doug was in the midst of cutting his lawn at the time. He quickly borrowed Oscar's in order to finish the job.

Oscar's lawn mower, of course, hasn't worked for almost three years. He usually borrows Little Doug's mower whenever his lawn becomes unruly. Little Doug is almost always unaware of this. Oscar simply retrieves it from Little Doug's garage. He knows the pass code to open the door.

***

Oscar was quick to allow Little Doug to borrow his lawn mower. He didn't mention that it was inoperable. He was hoping Little Doug would fix it for him.

That's exactly what Little Doug tried to do.

After discovering the problem with Oscar's mower, he began to dismantle it. That's how it ended up on its side. In the midst of this operation, Little Doug was interrupted by Computer Doug. For the fourth consecutive year, a starling's nest had appeared in the air vent protruding from his upstairs bathroom. Could Little Doug remove the nest with his fourteen-foot ladder?

Of course, he could.

***

When Little Doug returned from his nest-removal duties, young Doo was waiting in front of the garage.

Doo had been running his bike across a makeshift ramp set against the curb of the Sack's centre circle. The ramp, unfortunately, was poorly constructed. It was made of thin wood and refused to stay secure against the curb.

Young Doo had been increasingly frustrated by the ramp's performance. Every time he ran his bike across the ramp, it collapsed onto the pavement with a thud. In a fit of pique, Doo finally leapt from his bike and jumped upon the uncooperative piece of lumber. The main part of the ramp was shattered.

So Doo was now in need of a new ramp. Could Little Doug make him a new one?

Of course, he could.

***

Little Doug dropped his fourteen-foot ladder on his side yard and then retrieved the pair of sawhorses from his garage. Then he obtained some wood and a hand saw from the same place. Within twenty minutes, young Doo was the proud owner of a kick-ass bike ramp. He took it awkwardly in his arms and returned to the Sack's centre circle.

Before he left, he said, "Fanks, Mr. Doug."

***

Little Doug was starting to feel discombobulated by this time. He had begun with a simple plan to cut his grass and then spread some soil around. Then he was planning to watch Hogan's Heroes on one of his digital television channels.

Instead, he had spent his time dealing with two malfunctioning lawn mowers, removing an errant starling's nest and then constructing a kick-ass bike ramp.

And now it was almost time for Hogan's Heroes to begin.

***

In the end, Little Doug decided he would watch Hogan's Heroes and then return to his labours.

Unfortunately, he didn't make it back to the side yard. He fell asleep on the couch when the program ended. When he awoke, it was almost time for supper. Like many of Little Doug's projects, the matter of the side yard fell from his radar screen completely.

So that's how Gordon developed a bone to pick with Little Doug.

***

Jeff Christ, of course, saved the day.

Ben mentioned the matter of Gordon's bone-picking over Sunday dinner. Apparently, his nephew said little about the subject at the time. But within a week, Little Doug's side yard was completely clean. Satisfied, Gordon had gone on to find other bones to pick.

Jeff Christ first turned his attention to the two lawn mowers. Before he found employment at the call centre, he worked part-time at Canadian Tire. During the summer months, he worked primarily in the lawn and garden department. This gave him intimate knowledge of lawn mowers.

At first, Little Doug hesitated when Jeff Christ offered to repair the mowers. He's so used to fixing things for others that he wasn't quite sure how to respond to such an offer. But Jeff Christ was gently persistent in his desire to make the repairs.

Little Doug gave Jeff Christ the pass code for his garage door and invited him to use any tools he might need for the job.

***

Jeff Christ repaired the mowers and returned one to Oscar. Then he put Little Doug's fourteen-foot ladder in the garage. He moved the bags of soil, the saw horses and the lime-green golf bag onto Little Doug's driveway.

Then he proceeded to mow Little Doug's side yard. Later, he would tell Little Doug he just wanted to test the newly-repaired unit.

After the grass was cut, Jeff Christ opened the bags of soil and then carefully raked the contents onto the lawn. He placed the empty bags in Little Doug's garbage bin. After putting the mower into the garage, he put the lime-green golf bag over his shoulder and picked up the saw horses.

Then he disappeared back to Ben and Norma's house with these items in tow.

***

A few days later, Jeff Christ returned the sawhorses to Little Doug's garage. Little Doug was thrilled with his newly-functioning lawn mower and his freshly-cut grass. He tried to give Jeff twenty dollars for his trouble.

Jeff Christ wouldn't hear of it.

Nobody really paid any attention to the whereabouts of the lime-green golf bag. One could only assume that Jeff had disposed of it. But several weeks later, your agent made a startling discovery.

After joining Ben on his back deck for a Saturday afternoon libation, I noticed something unique in their leafy rear garden. It was a lime-green golf bag that had been converted into a funky planter. Apparently, Jeff Christ had applied a further coat of lime-green paint and then added a heavy dose of shellac to protect the bag from the elements. A steel rod ran through the body of the bag and held it in place in the ground. Finally, a small clay pot had been inserted into the bag's opening.

A colourful array of annuals now sprouted from the lime-green golf bag.

***

Oscar thought Jeff Christ's actions were certainly admirable. But he didn't think it added further credence to Weed's theory about the young man.

Weed, however, heartily disagreed.

"Not only does the guy resolve one of Gordon's conflicts, but he turned a lime-green golf-bag into a planter," Weed said with enthusiasm. "I can't think of too many people who could pull that off."

Then he added, "We're definitely talking Messiah here, baby."

I have no idea about any of this.

***