Gardening Tips

Last week, a green Mercedes Benz entered the Sack and parked along the centre circle.  It was about ten o'clock in the evening.  The driver was a middle-aged woman.  She did not get out of the vehicle. Instead, she unfurled a blanket, fluffed a pillow and then reclined on the front seat.

Parked by the Sack's centre circle, the woman spent the night asleep in the Mercedes.  Sometime after seven in the morning, she awoke. Then she drove away.

Oscar witnessed her arrival and departure.  By his estimation, the woman caught a solid nine hours of sleep. On a good night, he says this is about four hours longer than he usually gets.  He's thinking about sleeping in his driveway from now on.

Residents had many theories about the sleeping woman in the Mercedes Benz. I have no idea about such things.

***

Something strange occurred last month.  It did not involve sleeping women or parked cars.  But the matter did cause some head scratching among Sack residents.

Dirk and Dora, of course, were at the centre of things.  This came as no surprise to even the most casual Sack observer. On a scale of oddities, the event wasn't particularly extreme. But it was certainly uncharacteristic of the denizens of Burning Manor. 

The affair began late on a sunny Wednesday morning.  At the time, most Sack residents were at work.  Weed had taken the day off from his job at a local call centre.  He said he felt far too well to be at work.  That's why he was a witness to the affair.  

Oscar was also at home when the latest Burning Manor shenanigans occurred.  Unlike Weed, he hadn't taken the day off.  He works at home rather than a company office. However, his workday seems to look very much like the average person's day off.

This is why both men were sitting on Oscar's porch, cup of coffee in hand, when Dirk and Dora motored into Burning Manor's driveway.

***

At first, it appeared that Dirk and Dora had simply returned from the local grocery emporium.  When they arrived at Burning Manor, Oscar said the couple began to unload some bags from the trunk of the car.

It became clear, however, that Dirk and Dora had been shopping for some very specific items.  Oscar and Weed looked on as the couple unloaded an extraordinary amount of landscaping and gardening materials from the depths of the car.

Numerous bags of soil, gravel and mulch were stacked on the driveway.  And then there were potted annuals and even a few shrubs.  Dirk also unveiled a few new gardening tools, including several shovels and a heavy rake.  The largest item, however, came in two large boxes.  These had been stowed in the back seat of the car. 

It turned out to be a shiny red wheelbarrow.

***

Dirk and Dora have made some mild attempts at home beautification in the past.  Last year, they planted some flowers in a haphazard fashion in the upper corner of their lawn.  Left unattended, the flowers died within weeks.

Dirk also scattered a few solar lights in an uncertain line along the edge of the driveway.  Most of these were quickly flattened by his distracted parking efforts.  Only one remained before this latest and most impressive attempt at home improvement.

In recent years, Dirk and Dora also proudly displayed an inexplicable tree trunk on the grass near the foot of their front steps.  It was supposed to be decorative in some way. Weed said it looked more like a souvenir from a clear-cutting operation.  He could be right about this.

Finally, there was the lobster trap that appeared in the midst of their lawn last summer.  Oscar wondered if it wasn't an attempt to capture the illusive, suburban land lobster.  But most people agreed that it was a misguided attempt at folk art.

On this sunny Wednesday morning, however, Dirk and Dora appeared to have plans for some serious gardening action.

***

After unloading their supplies on the driveway of Burning Manor, the dubious couple leapt into action.

Dirk began to assemble the shiny red wheelbarrow.  Dora was busy digging out a garden area under the front windows.  Weed said they toiled for well over thirty minutes before taking a beer break.

They returned to their labours, however, with renewed vigour.  With the wheelbarrow operational, Dirk focused his energy on the middle of the lawn.  He moved the aforementioned lobster trap from its place and dug out a spot for a large, circular garden.  Meanwhile, Dora was spreading soil on her newly created planting area under the front window.

Oscar and Weed said they were dumbfounded by the couple's sudden devotion to improving the appearance of Burning Manor.

***

For the next hour, Dirk and Dora toiled.

Oscar and Weed, however, lost interest in the matter. Weed said he had no intention of watching other people work on his day off. Oscar, on the other hand, had hot dogs on his mind.  So the duo repaired to Oscar's backyard barbeque for a spot of lunch.

Over an hour later, they returned to Oscar's front porch with drink in hand.  It was, after all, well after the noon hour.

Dora had finished planting flowers in the area under the window. Dirk had amassed a large mound of black earth in the middle of the lawn.  The unfortunate lobster trap had been repositioned in the midst of this new garden area. Dora was now digging out a spot beside the trap for one of the shrubs they had purchased on their shopping trip.

Dirk's energy was now directed at digging a thin trench between the lawn and the driveway.  Several bags of bright orange mulch sat on the grass beside the trench.

A growing collection of beer cans now stood like soldiers on the roof of their parked car.

***

Sack residents had their own theories about the explosion of landscaping at Burning Manor.  Weed thinks Dirk and Dora might've found some drink-inspired motivation from a do-it-yourself program on the Home & Garden channel. 

Others hypothesized about the couple's future plans for selling their home.  After all, their first attempt to sell Burning Manor was a dismal failure.  Perhaps, the thinking went, the couple had realized that preparing one's home for sale requires more than hiding your collection of bongs from the view of potential buyers.

A few Sack residents tried to look on the more positive side of things. It could be, as Jeff Christ pointed out, that Dirk and Dora were growing and maturing in some way.  Instead of a constant stream of shenanigans, maybe they were seeking some new and simple pleasures from suburban life.

Jeff Christ, of course, is a very fine fellow.

***

Of course, everything soon went awry.

The gardening endeavours at Burning Manor were suddenly interrupted by a furious argument.  Dora became very upset with Dirk.  He kept extending his arms to his sides in a definitive display of innocence.  But Dora was having none of it.  She became increasingly more agitated.  She did a lot of stiff finger pointing, too.

Neither Oscar, nor Weed was certain about the origins of the dispute. Oscar thinks it started with a phone call that Dora answered on their cordless phone in the midst of their landscaping efforts.  Weed thought it had more to do with an accumulation of drink and sunshine.  Both theories could be true.

As the conflict escalated, Oscar and Weed worried that Dora might physically assault Dirk.  She has some history with this type of behaviour.  Dora, after all, bites.

***

Thankfully, this latest shenanigan did not require the presence of the old town's peelers.  After some profanity-laced ranting, Dora stomped into the house.  Dirk abandoned his shovel and sat glumly on the front steps. Then he started talking with someone on his cell phone.  

At the time of the dispute, Dirk had been filling the foot-wide trench with the orange mulch.  He had completed about a third of this task. Several bags of soil were on the lawn.  The shiny red wheelbarrow was parked on the grass beside the trench.  A shovel was laid across it like an oar.

The new centre garden was only partially complete.  Dora had succeeded in planting a few flowers.  A rainbow-coloured pinwheel sat joyfully in their midst.  But a plastic tray filled with annuals remained.  It was balanced on the curved top of the decorative lobster trap.

A second shovel rested on the grass nearest to the curb.

***

About ten minutes later, Dora emerged from the house.  She walked briskly past Dirk toward the car.  He stood up and said something to her.  Dora quickly whirled around and spat out a reply.  The argument was quickly renewed.  Dirk performed a few more physical displays of innocence.  Dora did some more finger pointing.

Before entering the car, Dora swept the accumulation of beer cans from its roof.  The cans hit the driveway with a metallic clatter.  Dirk stood by the car with his arms folded. He still had a can of beer in his left hand when she sped from the driveway and out of the Sack.

Dirk stood on the driveway for a moment and watched Dora's departure.  When she was gone from his view, he took a long, slow drink from the can of beer.  Then he walked back into the house.  

The front yard looked like it had suffered a wildcat strike by a professional gardeners union.

***

Burning Manor's front lawn remains in this same condition today. Your agent has seen it with his very own eyes.

The shovel near the front curb is the only item that no longer graces the lawn.  Some Sack residents believe that it was purloined by young Doo.  This could be true.  The boy has a strong affinity for digging.

The trench along the driveway, however, remains less than half-filled.  The bags of soil remain scattered about.  The shiny red wheelbarrow hasn't been moved.  And the other shovel still rests across it.  The plastic tray filled with annuals is still there, too.  But strong winds have knocked it off the lobster trap.  Some of the flowers are now face down in the soil, trapped by the tray.  A few are scattered in front of the lobster trap.  All are likely dead by now.

Since the shenanigans occurred, the only difference is the absence of the beer cans on the driveway.  Dirk must've picked them up later that day.

***

Dora has since returned to Burning Manor.  But she ignores the mess on the front lawn whenever she emerges from the house. Dirk, on the other hand, hasn't been seen.  Of course, it's likely that he has simply returned to his job on an Atlantic oil rig.  He works for three weeks at a time before earning three weeks at home.

No one knows what really inspired the dispute between Dirk and Dora.  When Ben returns from Afghanistan in a few weeks, his wife, Norma will likely be able gain some intelligence at Tuesday Night Bingo.  She hasn't been attending since Ben was deployed with the Canadian Forces.

Most residents, however, have no interest in learning about the nature of the couple's argument.  They'd just like to see the front yard cleaned up.  As the grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society, Gordon is leading the chorus of these voices.  The Burning Manor shenanigans have seemingly reinvigorated his interest in neighbourhood affairs.  His passion in this area had been deflated following his recent marital separation.  Now he's talking about scheduling another meeting of the Society.

While Burning Manor shenanigans are usually entertaining, Weed says Gordon's renewed interest in civic affairs proves there is always a downside to everything.

***

If you drive into the Sack for the first time, you'll be greeted by the image of a quiet, orderly suburban landscape.  Even the sight of Burning Manor's front yard won't disturb this impression.  At first glance, it looks like the residents of this home have merely popped indoors for a spot of lunch, before returning to their labours.

But if the innocent visitor lingered in the Sack for too long, a different picture would soon emerge.  Oscar says the latest Burning Manor affair was just another example of the bizarre nature of cul-de-sac living, especially among those who reside around the centre circle.  Looking out from one's porch or front window, he added, is far more gripping than anything offered on digital cable.

In fact, Oscar thinks a sign should be posted on one the Sack's telephone poles.  He said it should be visible to anyone who enters the street.  The sign would simply show a man and a woman bound in straightjackets.  Their faces, he said, would clearly display looks of mental distress.

"It would be the international sign for crazy things happen here," quipped Oscar.

***

While Oscar's idea is preposterous, there could be some benefits from such a sign.

If you were a middle-aged woman in a green Mercedes and you were looking for a place to spend the night in your car, you might think twice.  At the very least, you might not enjoy a restful nine hours of sleep, if you were aware of the potential for shenanigans that surrounded you.

Unwittingly, however, Dirk and Dora, have left a sign of sorts for the unwary visitor.  It's the rainbow-coloured pinwheel that sits in the unfinished garden in the middle of their lawn.  Amidst the chaos of the yard, the pinwheel is in constant motion as the swirling spring air breezes through the Sack.

From your agent's perspective, the playful pinwheel is a metaphor of life in the Sack.  Although placed in the midst of chaos, it keeps moving in various directions according to the whim of the wind. Sometimes, it spins quickly.  On other occasions, it moves slowly and uncertainly.  For a few moments, it even sits still.

It is colourful, joyful and most of all, completely unpredictable.

***