Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sound Bites

'Splendid' is the Sack's word of the month for March.  Your agent was solely responsible for the selection.

I used the word about three weeks ago when Computer Doug casually inquired about my recent visit to the US.

"It was a splendid trip," I replied.

Later, I pondered my use of the word.  It's not one I utter frequently.  I don't hear others using it very much, either.

I supposed I liked the sound of the word, because I started to use it more often.  Florence, the Wonders' next-door neighbour, purchased a new car recently.  When she asked my opinion of it, I said it was splendid.

I said the same thing when Big Doug asked about my welfare.  In that case, of course, I said I was doing splendidly.

The word was invoked later that day during a conversation with Oscar and Weed at the local coffee cathedral.  Weed was talking about our recent spate of sunny skies and double-digit temperatures.  Nodding my agreement, I said it had been a splendid spring, even though it was really wasn't spring yet.  Oscar immediately announced that 'splendid' should be the Sack's word of the month.

"That," I replied, "would be a splendid idea."

You have to find your amusements somewhere in the waning days of winter.

***
"One man's noise is another man's music."

Weed made the above comment during a discussion on the front steps of the Wonders' house.  It was early in the afternoon on a splendid Saturday in the Sack.

The subject at hand was a phenomenon that occurred on the previous Thursday.

On this occasion, it was just after the supper hour.  The sun was still shining and for the first time since autumn, the temperature outside was quite agreeable.  As your agent and Mrs. Wonders concluded their evening meal, a strange sound suddenly emanated from the street.

It was the sound of children playing.

***
Kids today.
With the advent of digital doodads, one could reasonably say that children don't play like they did in previous generations.  There seems to be more indoor activities now.  There's probably less group play, too.

In the Sack, kids are far less likely to play outdoors during the winter.  The only exception is young Doo.  He's outside constantly throughout the year.  Unfortunately, most of his play involves digging, shoveling and breaking things.

The rest of the Sack kids, however, rarely seem to gather outdoors during winter.  When they do, it's usually not for long.

***
Old codgers.
Your agent remembers childhood in a much different manner.  We were outside with hockey sticks in hand right after the morning cartoons.  Sometimes, we'd even skip the cartoons if conditions were particularly favourable for hockey.

Oscar and Weed recalled the same experience even though we grew up in different parts of the country.  We also agreed that we roamed further afield from our homes in pursuit of play at a much younger age.

We also recognized that we're slowly becoming old codgers.

***
When outdoor temperatures rise, today's Sack kids finally make their appearance.  Oscar says they're like migrating geese.  They suddenly show up en masse in the Sack's centre circle.

He was talking about the kids, of course.  Not the geese.

When Sack kids made their debut last Thursday, the neighbourhood soundscape was suddenly altered.  There was screaming, squealing, shouting and laughter.  The dull thud of a bouncing ball and the clatter of running shoes kept a steady beat.

It was like someone cranked up a stereo.

***
Who wants to make noise?
In the days that followed, a number of Sack residents mentioned the sudden appearance of the children.  It was interesting to hear their opinions on the matter.

Folks with kids were generally in agreement that it was good to see the little buggers get out of the house for a change.  At least, that's how Computer Doug phrased it.  It might have been noisy outside, but he said it was peaceful and quiet at his house for the first time in ages.

Big Doug, on the other hand, compared the kids' arrival to the appearance of the first mosquitoes of the season.  He said a few of them would probably benefit from a good swat on the arse, too.

He was talking about the kids, of course.  Not the mosquitoes.

***
Oscar, Weed and your agent were certainly in agreement about Sack kids and their enthusiastic play.  It was a pleasant sound indeed.

Your agent would far rather hear the sound of frolicking children than the incessant drone of lawnmowers, weed clippers and other gas-powered contraptions.  It certainly beats the noise from late night street theater at Burning Manor, too.

Sack kid in the future.
Oscar, however, did make a good observation about the current crop of Sack kids.  They are certainly noisier than the last group of kids who played on the street.  This would include Oscar's seventeen year-old boy, Dorian and his pals.  They wouldn't be caught dead hanging around a suburban cul-de-sac now.

There is probably some truth in Oscar's observation.  In fairness, the newest bunch are still very young children.  Only a handful are older than seven years.  Most of them have barely started school.

Nevertheless, Weed says there is already evidence that these kids are unique in comparison to the graduating class of Sack residents' offspring.

"Beyond a shadow of a doubt," said Weed, "they're the dorkiest kids I've seen in a long time."

***
According to Weed, one must only observe the nature of their play to see the dorkiness in Sack kids.  Haphazard, he said, is the only way to describe it.

"It's like they don't know what to do with themselves."

There is probably some truth in this, too.  It's quite a sight to observe the kids in action.  They seem to bolt out of their homes at the same time.  Each kid appears to be in a frenzy.  They whoop and holler as they sprint onto the street from different directions.

Once assembled near the Sack's centre circle, they engage in some kind of primitive street dance.  One little boy is particularly adept at pirouettes.  Another seems to have quite a knack for interpretative dance.  At least, that's how Weed describes it.

Get the round thing!
The dancing, however, is brief.  There's a sudden pause as if they're unsure about what to do next.  Seconds later, a plastic ball materializes and the throng of children pursue it like prey.  However, there seems to be no rhyme or reason for the chase.  No one seems to know what to do with the ball when it's captured.

Eventually, the ball is thrown in the air and the chase continues.

***
The ball chasing does not last long.  Suddenly, Sack kids are careening around the centre circle aboard a varied collection of bicycles, tricycles and scooters.  Most of the bikes have training wheels.

The trikes, bikes and scooters, however, are soon discarded.  The kids clamour over the rocks in the centre circle and make half-hearted, hopeless attempts to scale the small group of trees.

Alien messaging tools.
Moments later, they're writhing on the pavement with coloured chalk in hand.  A great deal of scribbling and scraping ensues.  When they're done, Oscar says their writing looks like some kind of alien message.

This artistic activity doesn't last very long either.  This is rather unfortunate because it's the only time when the kids aren't screaming at the top of their lungs.

In the next moment, they're back at the pointless ball-chasing.  Then the bikes and scooters reappear.  They run around a bit more, before returning to the pavement with their chalk.  This entire cycle of activities continues several more times in rapid succession.  

Oscar says watching Sack kids play is like watching a Japanese game show.  There's lots of screaming and squealing and it's not exactly clear about the point of things.


***
The problem, in Weed's opinion, is that the newest generation of Sack kids are lacking in any physical dexterity.  None seem to have any emerging sense of coordination or athleticism.  They also seem to have little knowledge of any formal games.  As a result, their play is scattered and disjointed.  The only common denominator is the constant screaming and screeching.

Oscar, however, says it may simply be a matter of time before they calm down.  He thinks they're still trying to get used to the fact that they're actually outside.  Once they calm down, he says we'll probably see them in a different light.  He could be right about this.

So as spring descends upon the old town and summer beckons, one can only hope that Sack kids will settle down a little bit.  Perhaps their play will be more relaxed and take place at a lower volume.

Either way, their presence on the street must be seen in a positive light.  It means they're happy to be alive and that warmer days are ahead.

That's a splendid thing on both counts.

*** 

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Fun and Games

On the strength of a partially completed Bachelor of Arts degree in English, Oscar fancies himself as the Sack's arbiter of grammar and pronunciation.

When the recent Winter Olympics began in Vancouver, he moaned about the lazy verbal skills of the local populace.

"Every time I turn around," he said, "people are talking about the 'Lympics'."

From Oscar's point of view, folks were cutting corners with impudence by not articulating the 'O'. He ranted about it during a recent gathering at the local coffee cathedral with your agent and Weed. The subject arose when he accused Weed of this same offense.

Weed chewed on a maple sugar donut during Oscar's tirade. When he finished the donut, he looked at your agent and asked:

"When did 'Scar get so 'pinionated?"


***
Like many Canuckleheads, the Winter Olympics drew the rapt attention of Sack residents.


Weed was so moved by the exploits of our country's athletes, he spray-painted his emotions on the pile of snow in the Sack's centre circle.  He used some green paint when he ran out of the red stuff.

Others on the street roundly applauded his efforts. Gordon, the Sack's resident hand wringer, was the sole exception.


When your agent encountered Gordon at the local shopping emporium, he was quick to point out that Weed's unauthorized use of the Olympic logo could result in legal action by the proper authorities.


Weed says Gordon has no 'Lympic spirit at all.


***

Weed's artwork wasn't the only evidence of national spirit around the Sack.

Ben, a senior cook in the Canadian Forces, proudly flew a Team Canada flag on his car throughout the Games. Florence, Marion and Gordette were observed with those ubiquitous red mittens flogged by a national, foreign-owned department store.

Oscar chose a more unique method for displaying his nationalist ardor.

When the Games began, he vowed to remain unshaven until the Canadian men's hockey team won the coveted gold medal.

If Canada didn't win, Oscar would be stuck with the beard for at least another four years. He said he had already considered this possibility, but was certain that "we shall prevail."

By the time the gold medal hockey game began, Weed observed that Oscar looked more like a criminal than a patriot.


***
The success of the Canadian men's hockey team was a very serious matter around the Sack. Amid the corporate hype and the media hyperbole, hockey really does matter to many Canuckleheads.

There are probably many reasons for this, although only a few likely have anything to do with hockey.

Big Doug's opinion on the gold medal hockey game was a good example of this devotion. He told me that none of Canada's other medals would mean anything to him, if our hockey team lost. He said it would be a real kick in the arse if the American team won instead.

Weed was also clear about his feelings on the subject. He said he couldn't imagine leaving his house for a long time if the game didn't go well. He said we probably wouldn't see him for weeks.

Oscar, who was present at the time, said maybe there was an upside to losing, after all.


***
Of course, Oscar was still adamant that a Canadian victory was essential. He said he had been praying about the outcome of the game for days. Although he's a declared atheist, he says it's always a good idea to hedge your bets.

Nevertheless, Oscar's desire wasn't entirely fueled by patriotic fervor. Apparently, his beard was driving him crazy. Gloria, his wife, wasn't fond of it either.

The next time he decides to do something stupid, Oscar says your agent should make a firm effort to talk him out of it.

"You can count on me," I replied.


***
Like folks in other countries, Canuckleheads are often communal when the big game is on television. Last Sunday, a number of Sack residents hosted gatherings to watch the gold medal game between Canada and the United States.

Little Doug's entire extended family arrived at his house. Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Phillip were welcomed at Gordon's house along with some mutual friends. Ben and Norma hosted a large number of Ben's military co-workers.
Big Doug went to a gathering at his brother's house.

The residents of Burning Manor certainly did not pass up a prime opportunity for a Sunday drink-fest. The game didn't start until after 4 pm, but Dirk and Dora had a full house by half past the noon hour.

Dora's father, Teddy McGnarly was clearly geared up for the match. Just before noon, he came bounding down the front steps of Burning Manor. It was about -4 degrees outside. Nevertheless, he was shirtless and wore only jeans and a pair of slippers.

He walked to his truck and retrieved a case of beer. While he was there, some of his compadres arrived for the game. Despite his bare chest, Teddy stayed outside and chatted with them for about ten minutes before they walked into Burning Manor laden with beer.

Oscar said Teddy's half naked appearance on a cold winter day was exactly the kind of fortitude the Canadian hockey team would need to win the gold medal. As such, he said this could only be a good omen.


***

Oscar might have been right about the omen. The Canadian team eked out an exciting overtime victory. Canuckleheads everywhere went bananas with joy.

The old town's Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal. This made it especially joyous for folks in these parts.

Oscar, Weed and Computer Doug watched the game at the Wonders' house. Almost everyone wore some kind of Canadian hockey paraphernalia. Weed actually wore his hockey helmet, but took it off in the second period because it was too hot.

The drama of the game kept everyone transfixed right until the overtime conclusion. There were highs, lows and moments of great tension.

When Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal, everyone leapt in the air. A great amount of hooting and hollering ensued. Spontaneous hugs and high five's followed. Oscar spilled his drink and Mrs. Wonders broke her glasses. Weed danced an impromptu jig. Computer Doug wept.

When the national anthem was played, everyone sang. We were off-key and our lyrics didn't match, but no one cared.


***
The Winter Olympics are over now. The hoopla has come to an end.

The excitement of the previous two weeks and the dramatic conclusion to the hockey game seemed to take its toll on Sack residents. Conversations about snowboard cross, speed skating and the skeleton have subsided. Attentions have returned to the routines of daily life. At least, that's it what it seems like to your agent.

Oscar says we're suffering from a post-Olympic hangover. He was very deliberate in pronouncing the "O."

***
A strong dose of Maritime weather has probably compounded our doldrums.

In the old town, strong North Atlantic gales and heavy rain have been the norm. The accumulation of winter snow has slowly eroded into smaller mounds of ice, salt and mud.

Weed's Olympic artwork is now unrecognizable. The flag of the cellar dwelling Toronto Maple Leafs, has replaced the Team Canada flag on Ben's car.

I haven't seen anyone wearing those funky red mittens.


***
Following the gold medal hockey game, Oscar quickly shaved his two-week old beard. However, he left a burgeoning mustache behind. Weed was quick to refer to it as a "70's porn star mustache."

Oscar has also refused to become winter weary like other Sack residents. The Paralympic Games, he pointed out, begin next weekend in Vancouver. There will be unprecedented television coverage of the event. He says we should be regrouping and preparing to cheer for our Paralympic athletes.

In particular, Oscar says that Canada's sledge hockey team will be defending its gold medal. Their perennial adversary, the United States team, is the current world champion. Another dramatic showdown is anticipated.

In his enthusiasm for the team's fortunes, Oscar has made yet another bold declaration. Apparently, he has vowed not to shave his mustache until Canada wins the gold medal in sledge hockey.

Again, this will mean at least another four years of the mustache if the United States wins.

"What do you think?" asked Oscar, when he told me about his plan.

Recalling my vow to persuade him from foolishness, I looked at the beginnings of his 70's porn star mustache.

"I think it's a great idea," I replied.


***

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