Sunday, June 20, 2010

Gnome Sweet Gnome

It's our flag, eh?
More verbal shenanigans between Oscar and Weed. . . . . 

It's rather common in these parts to hear someone adding "eh?" to the end of their sentences.  Apparently this has something to do with being Canuckleheads.  Oscar says It's a national trait to turn everything into a question.  By feigning uncertainty, people will think we're dumber than we really are.  This, according to Oscar, gives us an evolutionary advantage.  The rest of the world pays very little attention to us, so we can go about our business with a minimum of conflict and rivalry with other countries.

I remain very doubtful about all of this.   

Oscar, however, also had something to say about Weed's use of "eh?" during a recent stop at the local coffee cathedral.  He said he detected a distinct "h" at the beginning of the utterance.  This made it sound like "hey?"

Weed said this was ridiculous.  The two actually argued about the subject for several minutes.  

To get a bigger rise out of Oscar, Weed started to say "hey?" intentionally.  Oscar, however, said it was no joking matter.  He said there was a possibility that Weed had suffered a minor stroke.  Small changes in speech patterns, he claimed, could be evidence of this.  Apparently, he had watched a TV program on this very subject.

Weed replied that it was actually Oscar's health that could be in peril.  He said he had watched a different program about aging and hearing loss.  This could be the "beginning of the end" as far as Oscar was concerned.  

This is how we spend our time in the suburbs as civilization erodes around us.

***
Things have been quiet at Burning Manor lately.  Norma, Ben's wife, says it's because Dirk has got himself a new job.  She garnered this news at Tuesday Night Bingo.  This is where some of Dirk and Dora's people hang out.

Dirk at work
According to Norma, Dirk has found employment with another oil rig in the North Atlantic.  He was laid off from his previous rig earlier this year.  Now, he's back to working three weeks at a time, followed by three week furloughs back in the Sack.

While it may be quiet at Burning Manor, this doesn't mean the place has kept a low profile around the Sack.  Dora, it seems, may be going a little bit crazy.  This piece of information didn't come from Tuesday Night Bingo, either.  Instead, it comes directly from your agent's eyeballs.

I pass by Burning Manor several times a day.  During the last two weeks, I observed a bizarre transformation on its front lawn.  The process started slowly, then picked up pace rather quickly.

Dora appears to have some kind of new and uncontrollable affection for lawn ornaments.

***

Waiting for a lawn near you.
I knew something was up when a full-sized lobster trap returned to the circular garden area in the middle of the lawn.  Dirk introduced the cultural item as lawn ornament a few years ago.  It didn't make an appearance last summer and there had been no sign of it this year.  Sack observers thought they had seen the end of it.

Oscar says Dirk put the trap away because, aside from once snaring young Doo, it failed to catch a single land lobster.  I remain doubtful about this, too.

Dora, unfortunately, didn't stop with the lobster trap.  A day later, a small stone statue stood beside the lobster trap.  It was a cherubic angel posed seductively against a small water basin.  Oscar, of course, was the one who described it as seductive.  It didn't do a thing for me.


The next day, the entire lawn was bordered by solar lights.  Oscar said this was so Dora's father, Teddy McGnarly, could avoid parking on the lawn after a night at the tavern.  For a change, he could be right about this.

***
As time passed, more lawn ornaments appeared on the front lawn at Burning Manor.  This included a fibreglass imitation of an Inukshuk.  It seemed rather incongruous beside the lobster trap and the cherubic angel.  Oscar, however, said the inukshuk was likely for the benefit of Burning Manor's boisterous visitors.

The right path.
"It means, You're on the right path toward beer," said Oscar.

Before the two weeks ended, a mish-mash of ornaments were added to the mix.  Some have colourful propellers and other wind powered whirlygigs.  The final piece of the puzzle was the biggest.  It was a small wishing well.  It appears to be made of hard plastic and weighted to stay stable on the lawn.  A planter sits inside the well, although, Dora hasn't filled it yet.

To say the least, Burning Manor's front lawn is looking a little busy these days.

***
Sack residents, of course, have been mostly appalled by Dora's creative endeavours.

Gordon and Gordette won't stop talking about it.  Elizabeth is brimming with sarcasm, claiming that she's already contacted Canadian House & Home magazine.  Weed keeps taking pictures of the lawn and sending them to his friends.  Oscar wants to kidnap the seductive cherub and place it somewhere in Gordon's backyard.  Big Doug says he feels like "doing a few donuts" on Burning Manor's front lawn with his pickup truck every time he drives past the place.

Young Doo and some of the other Sack kids are mesmerized by the ornaments.  Doo has taken a few tentative steps onto the lawn to the get a closer look, while the rest, despite curious gazing at the variety of gizmos, have kept a respectful distance.

***
From my point of view, however, Dora's lawn ornaments can't be an entirely bad thing.  Burning Manor might be an eyesore to some, but it's better than being an earsore.  Things have been very quiet there for the past month.  This is a welcome respite from late night arguments and drunken shenanigans.  If a lobster trap, a stone cherub and a fake wishing well keeps Dora in a state of bliss, then I'm all for it.

I just hope Dirk doesn't cause any oil spills in the North Atlantic.

***

5 comments:

lifeshighway said...

Oh you tease me with your tales of Burning Manor but do not provide enough photos to feed my addiction. What other goodies are on display.

Guy Wonders said...

Sorry, I couldn't feed your addiction. One does have to be discreet around here. . . . .

Burning Manor also has a small statue of a dog on the bottom left corner of the lawn. It looks like it's made of a hard resin rather than stone. I think it's supposed to be a retriever of some kind, although on a smaller scale.

My pal, Oscar says he saw a cat walk past the dog ornament one day and pee on it. . . . . . I'm doubtful about this, of course, but it would be worth seeing. . .

lifeshighway said...

It would be worth photographing!

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