Monday, May 23, 2011

Good God, Gordon

The news spread through the Sack last January at the speed of a light switch. At least, that's how my neighbour, Weed described it.  In truth, it probably took a full day to travel around the cul-de-sac.

That's still pretty fast, though.

The news concerned Gordon, veteran Sack dweller and grand poohbah of the now-dormant Sack Residents Society. Apparently, he had decided to sell his house.  A prominent 'For Sale' sign would soon be posted on his beloved front yard.  Even more surprising was the news that Gordon and his lovely partner, Gordette had already purchased a new home.

Gordon was leaving the Sack.

Most Sack residents eventually arrive at a common word to describe Gordon.  They’ll start off by saying he's mostly a decent sort who means well.  Then they’ll say he’s also a bit of a tit.

A Great Tit
This will be said with varying degrees of affection.

Gordon, of course, has his own particular ideas about how people should care for their homes and manage their lives.  His position on these points could be described as follows:  Everything should be manicured and in its place. Clutter and unnecessary noise should be avoided.   Children shouldn't be seen or heard.

Any violation of these standards inevitably caused Gordon to sputter and whinge. This is why most Sack residents regard him as a bit of a tit.

Tit, by the way, is the Sack's word of the month for May.  The word of the month for April was douche bag.

It should also be known that your agent has very little influence over word of the month decisions.

Gordon discussed the decision to leave the Sack with your agent a few weeks later.  By then, the 'For Sale' sign was in place.  He said a lot of things went into the decision.  A good part of it, he admitted, came from his frustration with shenanigans that occur in the Sack.  He said he was tired of the antics of Britney Bitterman and her beau, Maxwell.  The storied affairs at Burning Manor, home of the delightful Dirk and Dora, didn’t help either.  And Sack kids, as far as he was concerned, could easily be described as feral these days.  As such, he could only imagine worse things to come. 

Gordon also said that his lovely partner, Gordette, had a strong voice in the decision.  Apparently, she isn’t fond of certain residents, either.  She could do without noisy Sack kids, too.  She agreed that it was time to find a better quality cul-de-sac among the old town’s suburbs.

None of this, of course, is surprising.

About four years ago, Gordon’s marriage came to a sudden and unexpected end.  His wife had a career opportunity out west.  Gordon didn’t want to leave the old town.  The ending of the relationship broke the impasse.  Sack observers, of course, felt there was more to the breakdown than this.  Many thought his wife may have left for another reason:  She got tired of living with someone who was a bit of a tit.

When his marriage ended, Gordon assumed sole ownership of his home.  After a period of mourning and singlehood, he met the current love of his life, Gordette. While Sack residents were happy for Gordon, it was clear that the couple shared many similar qualities.  This, of course, was how she earned the moniker, Gordette.

Almost two years ago, Gordette moved in with Gordon.  She sold her own home to do so.  It didn’t take long before she was sputtering and whinging about Sack matters, in the same shrill manner as Gordon. 

It took even less time for Sack residents to realize that Gordon and Gordette had become a pair of tits.

Residents met the news of Gordon’s exit from the Sack with mixture of regret and good humour.  In truth, there was probably more of the latter.   

Big Doug was quick to say that Gordon was a good, responsible homeowner.  He said the Sack would be very fortunate to get a new resident to match the man’s attention to home maintenance and repair.   At the same time, he said we’d also be lucky if we got someone who wouldn’t be a pain the arse, like Gordon could be sometimes.

Little Doug, still recovering from his recent dalliance with the Rock Church, called Gordon’s departure a mixed blessing.   He said Gordon was a nice enough fellow when he gave himself a chance to relax.  Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to happen very often.  He thinks it’s probably best for Gordon and Gordette to have a new start together somewhere else.  He says they’ll probably be happier.  He could be right about this.

Weed says Little Doug’s use of the phrase “mixed blessing,” is evidence that Little Doug still has "a little bit of the Jesus" in him.

Little Doug says Weed is more than a bit of a tit.

Elizabeth, to no one's surprise, was taken by the impending loss of Gordon and Gordette.  Along with her husband, Prince Philip, she’s one of the few residents who saw Gordon as a noble arbiter of decent and moral behaviour in the Sack.  She said she has also given thought to leaving the Sack on a number of occasions.  If the summer brings any more shenanigans to the street, she says she just might do it, too.

Unfortunately, Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Philip is unemployed right now.  It’s unlikely that they’ll sell until that matter is resolved. 

Getting ready for the move to the Sack.
After only a few minutes of lamenting Gordon’s departure, Elizabeth speculated about the horrors ahead for the Sack. She has full expectations that a group of hillbillies will decide to purchase Gordon's home. 

Apparently, this is the kind of luck she has come to expect.

One can only imagine that Sack kids breathed a sigh of relief when they heard about Gordon’s departure.  They were very aware of his tendency toward sputtering and whinging.  More than a few of them had been subjected to it. 

It’s quite possible that they also viewed him as a bit of a tit.

It is May now.  Gordon and Gordette moved out at the beginning of the month.  So far, the Sack seems to be surviving their absence.

The new owners of Gordon’s place have yet to move in.  Big Doug says they take possession of it at the end of this month.  No one has any idea about their identity.  This, however, hasn’t stopped speculation about them.

Oscar says it’s unlikely we’ll get a pair of tits quite like Gordon and Gordette again.  He says this is the law of probability at work.  Instead, he said we should be worried about knobs.  Apparently, there are a lot more of those out there than tits.

I suppose we’ll soon find out.



Dear Lovey Heart said...

As always, good to hear from you, I hope all is well!

Guy Wonders said...

I'm doing great and I hope you are, too! Thanks for dropping by!

The Jotter said...

Hey, man! I was just talking about you the other day. I have really missed you. Then I take this blogging class and it is HARD. With HOMEWORK. So it came time again for my favorite Cul de Sac pasttime - PROCRASTINATION.

Blog more. You know it is good for you. And the fact that you are getting your creative needs met elsewhere is putting a real wedge between us.

I almost had my Canadian citizenship from my Sac readings.

Oops. No guilt. Sorry.

Miss you.

Guy Wonders said...

Procrastination is my one and only superpower. One of these days, I'm going to save the world with it.

Or not.

Thanks for your gentle, flattering poke. I really should get back at the blogging machine more often, because I do enjoy it.

This is another reason why I'm good at procrastination. I can even avoid doing things I enjoy.

Nevertheless, I think my procrastination might be trumped by the notion that you're getting closer to Canadian citizenship.

To sweeten the deal, I should tell you that Canada has recently issued new $100 & $50 dollar bills. The new bills are made of polymer (a thin plastic, I'm told). Apparently, they last longer and are very environmentally friendly!

So when you officially become a Canucklehead, you can say: "We harvest the dirtiest crude oil in the world, but we've got the cleanest money!"

I certainly plan on overcoming my procrastinating ways very soon (although I will still be procrastinating over at your place, admiring your new site design and enjoying tales of your trials and tribulations).

Now, go do your homework!


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