Florence stayed home from work today and said she saw them driving into the cul-de-sac. Then she got distracted by something and didn't pay them any further attention.
The next time she looked, Dirk and Dora were gone. Florence wasn't even sure if they went inside Burning Manor.
What can we learn from this? Only that Florence is a very bad source for Sack news.
***
It was just after ten o'clock on Saturday evening. It was very dark in the old town and a light fog was drifting in.
Gordon, as is his custom, stood at his front window, casting a critical eye around the Sack.
Suddenly, his attention was alerted by movement near the front of Elizabeth's house. He strained to get a better look, but couldn't identify the slow shadow as it began to move toward the side lawn.
Gordon could see the lights on at Elizabeth's house. Her car was parked in the driveway. It wouldn't be like Elizabeth to be loitering around her lawn at this hour.
After some thought and just to be on the safe side, he decided to telephone her. Unfortunately, the phone call went unanswered.
Turning back to the window, Gordon saw the form move slightly away from his field of vision. He glanced across the street from Elizabeth's house to see who might have a better view. That's when he decided to call the Wonders' house.
***
Mrs. Wonders and I were watching The Sopranos when Gordon called. The program is the only reason we have digital cable. When the season ends, we'll cancel the service again.
The only other loss will be the availability of my favourite, all-time television program, the incessantly corny Dragnet (1967-70).
***
Gordon asked if I would take a look from my window toward Elizabeth's house. He said he was concerned that an intruder might be pillaging her home as we spoke.
I took a good look across the street, but could see no movement around her home. Gordon sounded disappointed.
***
Mrs. Wonders and I were drawn back to the television. Tony Soprano was struggling with a decision to have someone whacked. Mrs. Wonders said we are lucky not to have to make such decisions.
***
Meanwhile, Gordon decided to walk over to Elizabeth's house to ensure that no shenanigans were at play.
When he looked down the side of Elizabeth's house, he clearly saw the shape of someone moving around very slowly. The figure also seemed to be aiming a flashlight at the ground.
Gordon said his adrenaline was really starting to pump at this point.
***
Anyone who knows Gordon would be unsurprised to learn that he carried his own flashlight when he went down to Elizabeth's house. When he saw the shadowy form, he turned his flashlight directly at it.
The shadow's flashlight pointed right back at him.
What followed was a brief duel, as Gordon and his unknown opponent tried to shine their respect lights in the other's face. As the battle waged, both began to edge closer to the other.
That's when Gordon realized he was looking at Elizabeth.
***
Elizabeth was wearing her gardening clothes.
This would've included a pair of dark, stiff blue jeans. Oscar says gardening is the only time where she doesn't regard the wearing of denim as a slightly vulgar practice.
In addition to a flashlight, Elizabeth was holding something very interesting. She was wielding a green spray bottle containing a chemical weed killer. Under the cover of darkness, Elizabeth was trying to get rid of the dandelions on her front and side yards.
***
The old town has very strict laws about the use of chemical products on residential lawns and gardens. Unless a lawn or garden has been affected by disease or an unnatural predator, chemicals cannot be used at all. Even in the extreme cases, approvals must be granted and signs must be posted.
Elizabeth was trying to beat the system.
***
The bylaw regarding chemicals was enacted a few years ago.
While some people use organic materials to keep a decent lawn, others have simply given up. Not surprisingly, lawns in the Sack have a lot more dandelions and other weeds than in the past.
Elizabeth, it seems, was getting fed up with her dandelions.
***
In fairness, Elizabeth is not the only Sack resident to flout the law. Both Gordon and Big Doug are well known for their use of chemical weed-killers and fertilizers. Neither makes any attempt to hide the practice.
While no one in the Sack has contacted the old town about Gordon and Big Doug's lawn capers, Elizabeth has made some sarcastic comments to both of them about their use of chemicals.
It turns out, as Gordon explained it, that we have "a case of the pot calling the kettle black."
***
Gordon said Elizabeth was more than a little taken aback when he discovered her killing weeds in the dark. She said she had tried everything to improve her lawn, but nothing was working.
To help her relax a bit, Gordon told her he wouldn't tell anyone about her chemical use. Apparently, she was relieved to hear this. At least, that's what Gordon told me.
He called me as soon as he returned to his house. I missed the last few minutes of The Sopranos while I talked to him. I forgot to ask Mrs. Wonders if anybody got whacked at the end.
I think I'm losing interest in The Sopranos.
***
4 comments:
very nice as always.
Thank you!
As I started reading this, my first thought--swear to God--was how bad does Canadian TV have to suck to find looking out your window at 10pm an attractive entertainment option.
Halfway through the story, I realized I had to ammend the thought to 'non-digital cable Canadian TV'
By the end of the story, I wondered why any of you have TV's in the first place.
Have you ever seen the bit from The Tonight Show when Carson spoofed Dragnet with Jack Webb?
Copper Clappers.
Yeharr
I had a vague recollection of it, but, not surprisingly, found a clip of it on a website. It was good to be reminded that Jack Webb actually knows how to smile. . . You're right about the TV requirements here, too --- as the summer nears, one can pretty much unplug it. . .
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