Assassination Consternation

Little Doug disposed of his Christmas tree last week. As far as Sack observers were concerned, this was an extraordinary development. Typically, Little Doug's Christmas tree would be slumped on his back deck until late spring.

When asked about the tree's early exit, Little Doug simply shrugged. He said he had no rational explanation for his action.

Weed, of course, had his own theory on the matter.

"Sometimes," he said thoughtfully, "the guy's just conscientious by accident."

***

Last Friday afternoon, Oscar made a horrifying discovery. He said he was going out to buy some asparagus when the sordid event occurred.

Strategically placed on his icy driveway, near the driver's door of the car, was an object designed to cause serious harm to his life and limb. It was a menacing tropical killer, incongruent with the old town's northern winter climate.

It was a banana peel.

***

According to Oscar, there could be no other explanation of the affair. He said he was clearly the intended victim of an assassination attempt.

"I could see the humour with a banana peel on dry pavement," he said sternly. "But a banana peel on the ice is definitely a dastardly business."

Friday, of course, is garbage day in the Sack. The old town's waste management professionals frequently drop part of their haul as they go about their business. This would be the rational explanation for the errant banana peel that was positioned beside Oscar's car door.

"Balderdash," he said.

***

Who would want to assassinate Oscar? This was the question bantered about during the indoor version of our show last Saturday night.

The list of suspects, once Oscar, Weed and your agent delved into the matter, turned out to be lengthy.

Oscar pointed his bandaged finger (injured while slicing the aforementioned asparagus) directly at Rental Doug. An assassination, he argued, is an evil matter. Rental Doug's close affiliation with Satan, albeit unproven, would make him a primary suspect.

"Pshaw," Weed exclaimed. "Why would Rental Doug want to knock you off?"

Oscar gave Weed a dismissive look. "Why did Wayne Gretzky score goals? Why did Hank Aaron hit home runs? It's just what they do."

"But, why you?" Weed responded.

Oscar paused for a moment. This is something he does infrequently.

Finally, he put his glass of drink down and looked squarely at Weed. "That's easy, my friend." Then he held his arms out in a grand gesture and said:

"It's because of my aura of goodness."

"Oh, right," Weed replied. "I forgot about that."

***

Although Rental Doug was Oscar's obvious choice for the assassin, it was agreed that other suspects should not be ignored. As Weed pointed out, such mysteries rarely end with the most obvious answer.

"If you ask me," Weed said, looking pensive, "I don't think you should ignore Pleasant Street as the source of this attack."

Pleasant Street, of course, is located a short distance from the Sack. Over time, the two neighbourhoods have developed a rivalry of sorts. Weed, who happens to be a baseball buff, says the Pleasant Streeters are the Boston Red Sox to the Sack's New York Yankees.

Although Oscar's nemesis, Dan "Danny" McGraw lives on Pleasant Street, he was quick to discount Weed's theory.

"This assassination attempt was the work of someone who's cunning, deceptive and sly. Those Pleasant Street oafs lack the capacity for something like this."

***

"If it wasn't Rental Doug," Oscar continued, "it still must be someone closer to home."

Silence descended on the Wonders' front room for a moment. Oscar gazed directly at Weed for a few seconds. Then briefly, he studied my face from across the room. Finally, Weed broke the silence with a loud, emphatic fart.

"Who wants a refill?" he asked, getting to his feet.

***

Weed returned with replenishments and the listing of suspects continued.

Gordon, I pointed out, should not be ignored in this discussion. Oscar, in his role as an undercover suburban anarchist, has worked tirelessly to undermine the chairperson of the Sack Resident's Society.

"Good point," Weed declared. "And don't forget about the reindeer, too."

For seven straight years, Oscar has made a point of disturbing Gordon's Christmas display of illuminated reindeer. When Gordon is engaged elsewhere, Oscar repositions the reindeer so they appear to be copulating on his front lawn.

"It's possible, I suppose," Oscar said slowly. "But I doubt that Gordon would have the wherewithal for this kind of business."

***

"What about Big Doug?" asked Weed.

"What about him?" Oscar replied.

Weed went on to explain that Oscar is the antithesis of Big Doug. The big man is known for his strict adherence to a life of discipline, structure and predictability. Oscar, on the other hand, is well known for his laissez faire, everything-will-come-up-roses approach to life.

"He could be carrying a hidden resentment toward you, you know," Weed explained.

"True enough," said Oscar, "but a banana peel wouldn't be Big Doug's style. He's more of a shotgun-in-the-chest kind of fellow."

***

"It's a bit of a long shot," I said to Oscar, "but what about young Doo?"

Sack kids enjoyed a midwinter holiday last Wednesday. Apparently, it was a professional development day for their teachers. Young Doo was playing street hockey with some other kids in the Sack's centre circle. One of the Sack's cowboy kids was playing goalie. A pair of goalie pads and a face mask had been added to his western attire.

On three occasions, an errant tennis ball had banged into Oscar's garage door. At the time, he was engaged in some strategic planning on behalf of his employer. To most people, this process would appear as if he was simply taking a nap. However, Oscar assures us that nothing could be further from the truth.

After the third bang on his garage door, Oscar went outside, clad in dress shoes, flannel pyjama bottoms and a white T-shirt. He admonished the boys and threatened to throw their tennis ball "into the middle of next week."

After returning to his bed, Oscar heard two more bangs within quick succession. He marched outside and immediately picked up the boys' tennis ball. Then he threw it as high and far as he could. According to Oscar, the ball soared over Ben's house and landed somewhere in the vacant lot where Serenity Terrace will some day stand.

Young Doo was furious. Apparently, the ball belonged to him.

"You're gonna get in big touble," he spat, as Oscar walked back into the house.

***

Oscar, of course, was doubtful about Doo as a possible suspect. A child, he explained, would lack the intellectual ability to recognize the lethal nature of the banana peel. Besides, he added, young Doo can't even pronounce "banana," never mind use one as an assassination device.

"So you doubt that Doo would do the deed," said Weed, smiling.

"Yeah," Oscar replied. "We're looking for an adult suspect."

***

The evening drew to a close without a definitive answer on the matter. Oscar said he was sticking with Rental Doug as his primary suspect. Weed and your agent agreed to "keep our eyes peeled" for any further evidence in the affair.

After Oscar and Weed left the Wonders' home, I decided to have a small snack before retiring for the evening. On the kitchen window sill were three ripe bananas. I took one and ate it at the kitchen table.

When I was finished, I folded the peel carefully and placed it in the kitchen compost bin. I made sure that it was on top of the other waste material.

When the time was right again, I needed it to be readily accessible.

***