Hot Rumours and Cold Facts

Frigid would best describe the old town's weather this week.

***

Extreme cold tends to minimize social contact around the Sack. Outdoor conversations are terse, at best. A brief nod and a wave tend to be the norm when the temperature plummets.

On Wednesday, I encountered Computer Doug as I left for work. He wore a pained expression on his face as he cleared the ice and snow from his car. I greeted him with a gloved peace sign and asked about his general welfare.

"Friggin' cold, eh?" he replied, looking up briefly from his task. He gave a final sweep of the windshield and stomped back into his house, presumably to get his kids off to school.

***

Later, I returned to the Sack and found Ben chipping the accumulated ice from his driveway. His nephew, Jeff Christ stood behind him with a shovel. It was Jeff's job to shovel the broken bits of ice from the driveway.

I slowed down as I passed and shouted a greeting through my open window. Jeff Christ straightened and replied with a stiff wave. He was wearing a ski mask and a toque, so it was hard to gauge the warmth in his response. Ben glanced briefly in my direction. There was a definite grimace on his face. Through gritted teeth, he said:

"Friggin' cold, eh?"

Then he continued to chip the ice from his driveway.

***

The telephone rang as soon as I stepped into the warmth of the Wonders' home. Whenever this happens, it will almost always be Oscar on the other end of the line. Sometimes I think he must be waiting at his window for my arrival.

Oscar bristled when I mentioned this to him once. He said he had much better things to do than stand in his window waiting for me. Instead, he credited his "sixth sense" for the timeliness of his calls. He also claims to have the ability to recognize the sound of each resident's car as it passes by his house. The Wonders' compact car, according to Oscar, sounds like a sewing machine, in comparison to the muscular sound of Big Doug's pickup truck.

I remain doubtful about all of this.

***

"Friggin' cold, eh?"

That's what I heard when I picked up the phone. Oscar, of course, was on the other end of the line.

"That's what people keep telling me," I replied.

"There was a lot of sea smoke today," Oscar said with authority, "so I took the day off."

Oscar has a personal policy that prevents him from working on days when there's sea smoke in the old town's harbour. The ocean, of course, has no relationship to his job. In fact, he works from home almost all the time.

But sea smoke, in Oscar's view, means it's too cold to do anything other than remain indoors. As a result, he stays in his bathrobe and watches television for most of the day.

Of course, this isn't much different from his behaviour on warm, sunny days.

***

"So, are you sitting down?" Oscar asked.

Standing in the kitchen, I said, "Of course. Why do you ask?"

"I've got two pieces of blockbuster news. One's a rumour and the other's a fact. Are you ready?"

"Hit me," I replied.

***

Sack residents never fear unemployment. There are always plenty of positions available with the local rumour mill. The pay isn't very good, of course, but there's always plenty of rumour to manufacture.

"Okay," Oscar said, "I'll give you the rumour first. Have you seen Dora lately?"

"No," I answered, "Can't say that I have."

"Well," Oscar said smoothly, "rumour has it that Dirk and Dora have split. My sources tell me she moved out a few weeks ago."

"The dickens you say," I exclaimed. "Who told you this?"

"Norma. Apparently, the news is all over her Tuesday night bingo."

"Wow."

***

Burning Manor has been very quiet lately.

Dirk has been seen sporadically as he comes and goes from the Sack. And Dora, of course, has been conspicuous by her absence. There have been no sightings of their most recent house guest, Crystal Ball for some time. Sack observers say she moved out before Christmas.

If this news is actually true, it would be a mixed blessing. Dora is frequently at the heart of Burning Manor shenanigans, so the Sack could enter an era of relative peacefulness.

On the other hand, there can be a fine line between peacefulness and the tedium of suburban life. Gordon, for example, would have very little to fret about without Dora's hijinks. Eventually, his focus would shift to minor violations of the Sack's code of conduct. Big Doug's use of the word "arsehole" would drop dramatically and the phrase "frickin' dick dog" might never be heard again. And finally, late-night Sack theatre productions would be few and far between.

Only time will tell whether Dora's departure from the Sack is permanent.

***

"So that's the rumour. Are you ready for the fact?" Oscar asked.

"Hit me again," I answered.

"Have you noticed the second car in Elizabeth's driveway lately?"

"Yup," I replied. There has been a maroon-coloured, late-model sedan in her driveway for the last couple of weeks.

"Guess who it belongs to?"

"I give up. Who?" I don't like to make guesses unless there's a cash prize for the correct answer.

"Her ex-husband," Oscar said quickly.

"And?"

"They're getting back together."

"No way," I replied.

"Yes way," Oscar answered. "Gordon found out directly from the horse's mouth.

"From Elizabeth?" I asked.

"That's exactly the horse I'm talking about," Oscar replied.

***

According to Gordon, Elizabeth has been divorced for about five years. Apparently, the marriage ended after her husband experienced some kind of mid-life crisis. An affair and some compulsive gambling caused Elizabeth to put the kibosh on their union of twenty-plus years.

Gordon says the ex-husband is now a reformed man. He said the couple have been negotiating the renewal of their relationship for the last three months. According to Elizabeth, their reunification is on a "trial basis" for the immediate future.

***

Oscar said he knew only a few details about Elizabeth's "new-old" husband.

Apparently, the man works as a funeral director at one of the old town's funeral homes. Oscar said this can only be a good thing for Sack residents, especially Little Doug. If last year's DOTY award winner happens to take a fatal plunge from the top of his twenty-foot ladder, Oscar says we can be comforted by a possible discount on Little Doug's cremation.

Little Doug has spoken on many occasions about his desire for cremation after his death. He said he's horribly claustrophobic and couldn't bear to "lie around in a coffin" under the ground.

***

"So, do you know anything else about Elizabeth's husband?" I asked Oscar.

"Just his name," he replied.

"Please tell me it's Doug," I said quickly.

"Sorry, it's Bob."

"That's not gonna do," I answered.

Oscar said, "No, it certainly won't."

***

It didn't take long to come up with a new name for Bob, Elizabeth's new-old husband.

The long version of Elizabeth's name has always been "Queen Elizabeth" among certain Sack residents. This is a tribute to her somewhat regal bearing and her propensity for looking horrified at anything that doesn't fit her rather narrow perspective on proper behaviour.

Bob will now be known in these pages as Prince Phillip.

***

After agreeing on the new moniker, Oscar asked if I wanted to take a quick trip down to the local coffee cathedral. He said he was going to ask Weed to come along so we could update him on the latest Sack news.

"No, I think I'll pass," I replied.

"Why not?" Oscar asked.

"Because it's too friggin' cold outside, that's why."

***