Fortune Telling

Yesterday, my MP3 player ended up in the washing machine. Later, it went through a complete cycle in the dryer.

The MP3 player is now very clean. It's also inoperable.

Given a choice between having gum in one's hair or laundering one's MP3 player, I would recommend the following: Go for the gum.

***

It was just after three o'clock in the morning on a Saturday. The Sack was immersed in its typical overnight state of suspended animation.

Suddenly, a white, stretch limousine cruised into view.

***

The limousine had tinted windows. For just a moment, one could imagine that a gaggle of Hollywood celebrities lurked within.

The vehicle slowly moved around the Sack's centre circle. The dull throbbing of its stereo reverberated around the neighbourhood.

The limousine stopped in front of Burning Manor.

***

The first person to emerge from the vehicle was a slight-looking woman. She was quickly followed by Dora, the queen of Burning Manor. Unsteady would best describe her manner as she made her exit from the limousine.

Next came a tall man wearing a short black coat, blue jeans and a pair of cowboy boots. Holding his hand was a young woman with blonde hair.

Very quickly, three separate tableaus materialized in front of Burning Manor. The first, and most compelling, involved the tall man and his companion. As soon as they stepped onto the curb, they embraced and began to kiss with great passion. Neither appeared the least bit self-conscious about the matter.

The next day, Weed said it was one of the best displays of "tonsil hockey" he had ever witnessed. Oscar said he was almost certain he could see the man's tongue emerge from the young woman's ear. I agreed with the former observation, but remain doubtful about the latter.

***

The second scene involved the slim woman who left the limousine first. As she stood on Burning Manor's lawn, a second, unseen man began to call out to her from the back of the vehicle. His voice was thick with drink. Nevertheless, it was clear that he wanted her to join him for some of the same affection his friend was receiving.

The slim woman, of course, had no interest in playing tonsil hockey with the inebriated character inside the vehicle. His inability to get out of the limousine or engage in any competent dialogue were probably factors in her decision. The fact that the guy was, as Big Doug said the next day, "a professional arsehole" could've swayed her, as well.

Nevertheless, he continued to make garbled pleas for her company. The slim woman repeatedly declined his invitations with a firm, yet slightly bored tone. Each time she used a different turn of phrase. These responses included:

"Not in your dreams."

"There's not a chance in hell."

"You've got to be joking."

"Not in this lifetime."

The last one, of course, was my personal favourite. She said: "No way, Jose."

***

Meanwhile, the first couple continued to swap saliva with great gusto.

***

Dora was the main focus of the third tableau.

She stood on her lawn facing the limousine. To her left was the amorous couple. To her right was the slim woman pursued by the unseen drunkard.

It could be that Dora was feeling left out. Or perhaps she had suffered some kind of slight earlier in the evening. Either way, she started looking for a fight.

Oscar suspects that a night out can't end for Dora without some kind of conflict. He could be right about this.

***

Her first target was the unseen drunkard in the limousine. Dora started to curse him out with great vigour. Weed said he was hoping to hear her call someone "a frickin' dick dog" again.

Dora called the man a number of degrading names. Sadly, "frickin' dick dog" was not among them.

***

Surprisingly, the man in the back of the limousine ignored Dora completely. Her gravelly snarl is usually very difficult to ignore. But the man proved himself to be a very single-minded fellow. He just continued to plead his case for some loving from the slim, disinterested woman who stood on Dora's right.

Dora seemed confused, at first, by her failure to have any impact on the man in the limousine. Even the slim woman didn't seem particularly moved by her interjections. Moved to silence, Dora looked around as if seeking some new focus for her rage.

That's when the tongue-wrestling duo on Dora's left came into view.

***

Dora started calling out to the blonde woman nestled in the tall man's arms. Apparently, her name was Crystal.

As with all of her nocturnal shenanigans, Dora used her bold daytime voice. Nevertheless, Crystal didn't respond to Dora's calls. The kissing continued unabated.

Undeterred, Dora began to warn Crystal about the tall man in the cowboy boots. She said he had very ignoble intentions. His interest in her, she suggested, had a singular focus.

Those weren't Dora's exact words, of course. I'm merely summarizing her overall argument against the man.

***

Unlike his friend, the tall guy did react to Dora's words.

He stopped kissing and, without relinquishing Crystal from his loving embrace, glared at Dora. His hands were still entwined around Crystal's bottom.

One could hear the drink hanging off the tall man's words. "You don't know what you're talking about, baby," he said with force. "You just don't know what you're talking about."

Inspired by his reaction, Dora continued to warn Crystal about the man's many weaknesses. "Just because he rents a limo, it doesn't mean he ain't a loser," she growled to her friend.

***

The tall man grew more indignant.

"This beautiful young lady saved my life tonight," he said passionately. "I was heading into a black hole until I laid eyes on her tonight."

He relinquished his hold on Crystal momentarily and spread his arms apart. He looked into the night sky and said it again:

"This beautiful lady saved my life tonight."

Dora snorted with derision and said, "You're just a frickin' dick dog."

If you looked over at the darkened front window of Little Doug's place and listened very carefully, you might've heard Weed murmur, "Yesss. . . "

***

But the tall man would not be silenced.

He stood to the side of the blonde woman who had somehow saved his life. He put one arm around her shoulder and the other in the air.

"I don't care if the whole world knows it," he said defiantly. Then in a loud, clear voice, he said:

"I LOVE YOU, CRYSTAL. . . " He stopped suddenly, looked down at her and asked, "What's your last name again, honey?" She said something inaudible and he started again:

"I LOVE YOU, CRYSTAL HALL."

***

Dora continued to lob insults at the tall man. But she didn't receive any further reaction from him.

Crystal Hall seemed very moved by his public declaration of love. She reinitiated their vigorous game of tonsil hockey. Now she had his bum cupped in her hands. Obviously, the tall man didn't feel the need to add anything to what he had already said.

Eventually, Dora seemed to tire of ranting. The absence of any further reaction from the man seemed to take the air out of her. She walked up the driveway and opened the door to Burning Manor.

The big, barking and bored dog, of course, went flying past her and into the street. It seemed to be overjoyed by its good fortune. It began to bark with great enthusiasm.

***

If Sack residents weren't already awake, the big, barking and bored dog made sure they were now. It was now about a quarter past three in the morning.

Dora stormed back into the street to retrieve the dog. Now she seemed to be more sure of herself. She has lots of experience with shouting and staggering around the Sack looking for the big canine. She was back on familiar territory.

As Dora wandered about trying to corral the dog, the kissing couple continued to do what kissing couples do best. Meanwhile, the inebriated man in the back of the limousine continued his quest for an affectionate end to his evening. Thankfully, he was beginning to run out of steam. His pleas had been reduced to an occasional, "Pretty please, darlin'?" The slim woman had stopped responding. She was talking to someone on her cell phone.

That's when the peelers drove into the Sack.

***

The peelers made quick work of the affair.

One of them seemed to know Dora by name. This was hardly surprising. He actually helped her to capture the big, barking and bored dog and deposit it back inside Burning Manor.

The other officer encouraged the tall man to return to the limousine so it could make its departure from the Sack. The tall man was happy to co-operate, but first found it necessary to explain to the peeler how Crystal Hall had saved his life. The officer offered a brief congratulations to the happy couple and then escorted him to the door of the limousine. The drunk guy inside the vehicle had grown very quiet.

Meanwhile, Dora, Crystal Hall and their slim friend stood on the porch of Burning Manor. The tall man called out to his newfound love and repeated his intention to call her later in the day. As the peeler gently encouraged him into the limousine, he yelled out one more time:

"I LOVE YOU, CRYSTAL HALL!"

***

The limousine finally drove away. It was soon followed by the peelers. Dora and her pals finally retired to Burning Manor. Sack residents tried to go back to sleep after another performance on the Burning Manor side stage.

The next day, Oscar offered his analysis of the early morning shenanigans. The two men, he theorized, had returned in triumph from working on the Alberta oil sands. A growing number of people from the eastern provinces have left to seek their fortunes there. Flush with cash, they hired a limousine for a night on the town. Somehow, they had encountered Dora and her crew at a local tavern.

Weed, of course, spoke triumphantly about Dora's use of the phrase, "frickin' dick dog." Hearing it, according to Weed, has become a bit of a good luck charm for him. For some inexplicable reason, he said it never fails to put him in a good mood.

Oscar, on the other hand, was most enthused about Crystal Hall. He swore that other residents had misheard her last name. He said her name was actually "Ball." Everyone, of course, remains very doubtful about this.

Nevertheless, Ben informed us that Crystal "Ball" has recently taken up residence at Burning Manor along with Dirk and Dora. Oscar says this is a very good omen. As far as early morning shenanigans are concerned, he says the future "looks very bright."

Unfortunately, he could be right about this.

***