This Just In

A rhetorical question doesn't demand an answer. Nevertheless, proper grammar still requires the use of a question mark. This seems like a terrible waste of punctuation.

Some day, we could find ourselves with too many questions and not enough question marks to go around. What are we going to do then?

Anyway, that's my position on rhetorical questions.

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Sack news can accumulate very quickly. It's a difficult task to stay on top of it all. One can only do one's best.

As each bit of news is generated, it must be assessed for significance and urgency. By these measures, most items are placed in chronological order. This is the "first-come, first-served" pile of Sack news. We try to chip away at this pile as time permits.

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Every now and then, of course, a piece of Sack news gets moved directly to the on-deck circle. These late-breaking stories are notable enough to require our immediate attention.

Sometimes, the news item has a blockbuster quality to it. The day Burning Manor was set on fire would be a good example of this. So would news that young Doo had acquired his new bus-driving step dad, Sticky.

Oscar says the time we saw Elizabeth's underpants would also qualify as a blockbuster news event. I remain doubtful about this.

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On other occasions, a piece of Sack news is too quirky to put aside. The discovery of a mysterious driveway muffin or the existence of a hat tree in the Sack's centre circle would be a prime example of such news. These items also deserve our immediate attention.

Thankfully, urgent Sack news items, whether blockbuster or quirky in nature, are relatively infrequent. Oscar says this is because suburban life tends toward the mundane. He could be right about this.

So it's rare, therefore, that we would find ourselves with three pieces of distinct Sack news requiring immediate reportage.

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News Item #1: ARE YOU READY FOR DOO TWO?

This first bit of news concerns the Sack's population. If all goes well, it will grow by one before the end of next May.

The Sack's baby populace grew substantially this year with contributions from Daisy and Britney Bitterman. Now it appears that a third infant will be welcomed into the Sack's bosom.

Doo's mom is going to have a baby.

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Norma, the Sack's bingo hall correspondent, reported this news to Oscar yesterday. She obtained the news directly from the primary source, Doo's mom. Apparently, Doo's mom is an infrequent visitor to Tuesday night bingo. Norma says this is because Sticky is often busy with a bus driving shift on Tuesday nights.

Doo's mom is also known by the moniker, Foxy Lady. This has everything to do with her ownership of a particular sweatshirt with this inscription, rather than any resemblance to a type of vulpes.

According to Norma, Doo's mom and Sticky are thrilled about this new addition to their family. Other than some reassurance that he would not have to share his bedroom with anyone, his mom says that Doo is also okay with this development. At press time, a comment from Doo was unavailable.

Oscar is planning to hold an interview with the youngster tomorrow, if he happens to see him playing street hockey near the Sack's centre circle.

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News Item #2: ELIZABETH TO JOIN THE SACK'S DAYTIME CREW

Elizabeth works on the administrative side of a psychiatric unit in the old town's general hospital. At least, that's what she was doing until last Wednesday.

According to Florence, the Wonders' next door neighbour, Elizabeth is now officially on stress leave. Apparently, she has been having a devil of a time with her male supervisor.

Her supervisor, according to Elizabeth, is a "nasty piece of work." Apparently, she has been coping with his shenanigans for some time. On Tuesday, an incident occurred that was "the straw that broke the camel's back." She saw her doctor on Wednesday and was placed on sick leave until the new year.

Florence says Elizabeth refers to her boss as her stupidvisor.

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Elizabeth is not the first Sack person to take stress leave. At least two others have done so in the past few years. Oscar says stress leave has become rather ubiquitous in the working lives of suburban folks. He could be right about this.

Little Doug was very keen to find out more about Elizabeth's circumstances. He has been having troubles with his own supervisor for some time. His supervisor is a resident of Pleasant Street, the Sack's suburban nemesis. Little Doug seemed almost surprised to learn that Elizabeth's stupidvisor doesn't live there as well.

On the other hand, he was thrilled to learn the word stupidvisor.

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News Item #3: SERENITY TERRACE, HERE WE COME

Gordon, the grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society, is walking a bit taller these days.

Last week was the long-awaited meeting of the old town's regional council. On the agenda was the matter of Serenity Terrace, a new, but smaller cul-de-sac planned for the vacant lot beside the Sack.

The land was already zoned for commercial use only, so a change in designation had to be addressed by the council. The council voted unanimously in favour of the application to change it to a residential designation.

During the meeting, the only opposing voice on the matter was from the leader of Pleasant Street's resident's association. Apparently, Pleasant Street residents were quite keen on the idea of being able to walk to a nearby variety store.

The leader of the Pleasant Street mob is a man named Dick. Oscar says this is a very apt name for someone who hails from Pleasant Street. Oddly, this is also the name of Little Doug's stupidvisor. It has been confirmed that the two men are not one and the same. This means there are at least two Dicks living on Pleasant Street.

Weed says he wouldn't be surprised if there were even more Dicks on Pleasant Street. The parallels between it and the Sack seem to grow every day. It would be completely understandable, according to Weed, if there as many Dicks on Pleasant Street as there are Dougs in the Sack.

If Weed's theory is true, Little Doug says his stupidvisor is probably known around Pleasant Street as Big Dick.

***

The old town's regional council approved of the zoning change unanimously, according to Ben. Gordon, Ben and Big Doug were the only Sack residents in attendance at the meeting. Oscar said he wanted to go, but the meeting date fell on the same night he was planning to wash his hair.

Gordon, of course, was bursting with pleasure when the vote was completed. He spoke briefly at the meeting about the Sack's support for the motion. In his mind, his stirring oration was the deciding factor in the council's decision. Ben said it seemed quite clear that the decision was a forgone conclusion. Apparently, the old town's city councillors paid as little attention to Gordon as they did to Pleasant Street Dick.

Nevertheless, Gordon remains chuffed by the victory. He even mentioned to Oscar this week that he's giving some thought to running for city council during the next municipal election.

The only thing one can say about this is the following:

What, in the name of God, is the world coming to?

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