Theatre in the Round

Sometimes people tell me things and then say, "Do you know what I mean?"

I always make a point of saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean." I'll say this even when I haven't got the foggiest idea what the person's talking about.

I'm a crazy cat, man.

***

There is much to be said about life in an urban environment. In the old town's urban core, for example, one can easily walk to an assortment of entertainment, recreation or commercial activities.

The suburbs, of course, are a whole different matter. As my friends in the New Urbanism movement are quick to mention, the suburbs have been built with the automobile primarily in mind. Shopping malls and other commercial activities are often sequestered in their own unique areas. People have little choice but use cars or public transit to shop or engage in any significant cultural activities.

The Sack is typical of most suburban streets. Aside from the local coffee cathedral, there aren't any commercial establishments within walking distance. Nevertheless, the Sack does have one very unique characteristic.

We have our own live theatre.

***

Of course, the Sack's version of live theatre has little in common with the offerings of Broadway or London's West End.

Performances, for example, are never scheduled. Instead, they're random and spontaneous. Weeks can pass without a single performance. But then new shows can also appear on consecutive days.

In other words, you just never know when a Sack theatre production will occur.

In addition, almost every performance takes place in the wee hours of the morning. This is another unique aspect of the Sack's theatre. You don't actually plan to attend a show. You just get awakened by one.

***

The vicinity of the Sack's centre circle is considered the theatre's main stage. The area in front of Burning Manor would certainly qualify as the secondary one. Some of the best performances have taken place there.

Most Sack homes have a second-floor master bedroom overlooking the street. This is where theatre seating is typically located. Residents who sleep directly under their windows can enjoy a show yet remain in the comfort of their beds. Others are less fortunate. They're forced to get right out of bed for a good view of the show.

Oscar says it can be uncomfortable to watch a show from his bed. He says his window is just a little bit too far above the mattress. If he watches a show while lying on his stomach, his back and neck will be sore the next day. He says he wants to buy a bed that will leave him six inches below the window ledge. This distance, according to Little Doug's calculations, would permit the most comfortable viewing angle.

Oscar's wife thinks he's taking cul-de-sac living just a little too seriously. She could be right about this.

***

Computer Doug says he likes to put a pillow on his window sill, so he can rest his chin comfortably as a play unfolds. Oscar has made a mental note to do the same when the next theatre production occurs. He asked if I would remind him about this, just to be on the safe side.

I told him I would be pleased to do so.

***

Most of the main stage shows can be described as comedic dramas. Sadly, most involve couples whose relationships are in the midst of disintegration. In some cases, the relationship has already ended, but a final airing of dirty laundry has been demanded.

During these conflicts, couples somehow find themselves in the Sack in the early hours of the morning. Sometimes this is the result of a low-speed car chase. At least one person is in search of a verbal confrontation. Inevitably, the chase ends in the cul of the Sack's sac.

The driver of the lead car has usually entered the Sack by mistake. This is a common thing for people to do, especially in the dark. Usually, the lead driver meant to turn at the street after the Sack. In some cases, the two parties have found themselves in the Sack after leaving the local coffee cathedral. The Sack is the first place one can turn into after leaving there.

Upon discovering the proverbial end of the road, the lead car usually stops in the Sack's centre circle. The aggrieved party makes a move and blocks the other from leaving. For residents, this is when the play usually begins. After the first loud voices, the shadowy heads of drowsy Sack people gradually appear in their darkened bedroom windows.

***

There have been several live theatre productions in the Sack during the last few months. One show took place on the Burning Manor side stage. There was a limousine involved. We'll save that tale for another day.

The other show was quite typical for a main stage production. It began at about one o'clock on a Saturday morning. Everyone in the Sack appeared to be home at the time. Most had only recently retired for the evening. Both factors resulted in maximum attendance for this show.

***

On this particular Saturday morning, a thick fog had descended on the Sack. It was like a grey curtain around the houses. The conditions were perfect for a play.

The lead car came to a slow stop in front of Big Doug's house. The second car pulled in behind it. Two women were in the first car. The second car contained a guy who seemed to be in his early thirties. He wore a pair of white sneakers, blue jeans and a dark-blue windbreaker. He was also wearing a red baseball cap. The back of his windbreaker was imprinted with a Mr. Goodwrench logo.

We quickly learned that the man in the second car was named Archie. The female passenger in the first car was his recently-estranged girlfriend, Grace. The driver of the car was a friend of Grace's.

***

Sack residents would probably agree on the following synopsis of the recent events in Archie's relationship with Grace:

Recently, Grace had ended their relationship. It seems like the two were living together, but it just wasn't working for Grace. When she broke up with him, she swore, at Archie's request, that she wasn't involved with anyone else.

Unfortunately, after Grace moved out, Archie found some emails on his computer suggesting that she had been cultivating an online relationship. Instead of confronting Grace about this, he decided to follow her. That's how he found Grace and her friend at the local coffee cathedral. Apparently, they were meeting with a pair of brothers they had met online. Archie believed that one of the brothers was the same person identified in the emails. Grace hotly denied the charge.

***

And so, the play began: When Archie approached Grace's side of the car, she refused to roll down the window. Eventually, her friend rolled down her window and they conversed through the driver's window.

The first part of their conversation was inaudible. Quickly, however, Archie's voice grew louder and angrier. He started ranting about the character of his former love.

Oscar said he has never heard so many different slang terms for the word promiscuous before.

***

Grace's unnamed friend didn't appreciate Archie's tirade. She seemed to take far more offence from it than Grace. She interrupted and then admonished him with a firm, but threatening tone. At one point, she actually said to him, "And you better watch your step, buster."

Her sharp rebuke seemed to distract Archie. For a brief moment, there was an unexpected silence.

Suddenly, Archie launched into, as Weed called it later, "a complete one-eighty." He erupted with a lengthy and effusive description of his unbounded love for Grace. He said he wanted to grow old with her and hang out with their future grandchildren.

Finally, he said to her, "Baby, you know we can work things out, don't ya?"

Some silence passed and then Archie said, "Baby, you know we can, right?"

"Baby, we can, right?"

"Right, baby?"

"Baby. . . . ?"

***

It was, as Oscar described it, the moment where Archie's remaining illusions about his relationship with Grace were shattered. Weed called it the moment where the dude's "bubble got burst bad." Grace wasn't coming back to him, even if he "forgave" her for cheating on him.

Within seconds, Archie's heart turned cold and the very thought of reunion with Grace became abhorrent to him. He quickly launched into a renewed attack on her moral fibre. He openly questioned her suitability for membership in the human race. And once again, he flaunted his knowledge of synonyms for the word promiscuous.

"That dude," said Weed the next day, "was a walking thesaurus."

***

This time, it was Grace who interrupted Archie's rant.

It was hard to hear her exact words, but it was clearly a rebuttal of Archie's assessment of her. The more she spoke, the louder her voice became. Soon her words were loud and clear.

"You're an effin' moron, Archie. An effin' moron."

Then she spelled it for him. "You're an effin' M-O-R-O-N, Archie. That's what you are, an effin' moron."

***

There was another momentary silence.

Archie seemed like he had the wind knocked out of him. He was still leaning against the driver's window, but now his head was hung low. As Weed said later, "First, the guy had his bubble burst, then he got kicked in the nuts."

Almost an entire minute passed without a sound. The stage was a scene frozen in time. Oscar said this was the show's defining moment.

He could be right about this.

***

Finally, Archie raised his head and looked in the vehicle toward Grace again. Then he launched into a renewed pledge of his love for her. He said he wanted to be her soul mate, again.

If you listened very carefully, at this point, you might have heard some stifled laughter escaping from a few Sack homes.

***

Grace, however, had heard enough from Archie. Her friend eased the car from the curb and then drove away. Archie backed away from the car and watched as it disappeared from the Sack. He held his hands on his head as he did this.

He stayed in this position for a time, even after the car was gone. Then he sat in his car for a few more minutes. Finally, Archie drove slowly away.

The show was now over. Heads slowly disappeared from Sack windows. Curtains were pulled back into place and then everyone went back to sleep.

***

The reviews hit the street on the following day. Everyone raved about the performances by both Archie and Grace. Even the driver's work in a supporting role was acknowledged.

Among the seven opinions offered, four sided with Archie. They believed that Grace had, as Oscar described it, "done him wrong."

Little Doug was one of the people who backed Archie. Oscar suspects that Little Doug was swayed by Archie's Mr. Goodwrench windbreaker. The fact that his ex-wife ran off with someone she met online, might have been a factor, too.

Two people thought Grace was the legitimate injured party. Florence, the Wonders' next-door neighbour was one of the two. She thought Archie was "a real tit."

***

The remaining opinion sided with neither Archie nor Grace.

Gordon said both of them were "inconsiderate" and "immature." He said some people have no regard for the needs of others. This is, he explained, supposed to be a quiet, suburban neighbourhood. "If I want to listen to stuff like that," he said forcefully, "I'll watch TV. You know what I mean?"

"Yes," I said to Gordon, "I know exactly what you mean."

***