Maximum Mayhem

On Friday evening, your agent was walking past the liquor store at the local shopping emporium.

At the checkout counter was none other than Dirk, the lord of Burning Manor. He was buying a case of Alexander Keith's finest and a bottle of Captain Morgan rum. As I passed, our eyes met. Dirk smiled and then gave me a brief wave. I returned his greeting with a broad grin and my own trademark peace sign.

Dirk's wave was a thumbs-up sign.

***

It has been some time since we spoke of Maxwell, the life partner of Britney Bitterman and sole proprietor of Cutlass Supreme Painting.

Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman, of course, are Sack residents. They live next door to Oscar and his family. Mr. Bitterman and Oscar enjoy a driveway relationship with each other. They only interact as they pass by on their respective driveways.

Over the last year, Mr. Bitterman has used these occasions to lament about his trials and tribulations with his daughter, Britney and her beau, Maxwell. Prior to this, Mr. Bitterman would only nod and murmur a polite greeting whenever he encountered Oscar.

Even though communication is still restricted to their respective driveways, Oscar now feels like he's Mr Bitterman's only confidant.

***

Mrs Bitterman has experienced her own struggles during the past year. Her weight has increased significantly. She also appears to be suffering from a constant sweat.

Many people think her decline has everything to do with a nasty bout of menopause. Others say it's typical of someone who's suburban family is slowly eroding. Some say it could be equal parts of both.

I have no idea about such things.

***

Britney Bitterman, of course, gave birth to Baby Maybe last May. It was Britney's first child, but Maxwell's second. Apparently, he has a four-year-old son from another relationship.

Several years ago, things seemed to be looking up for Britney. During that time, she shared an apartment with a boyfriend and had a full-time job. Sadly, things went awry when her boyfriend suddenly ended their relationship. Sack sources say this knocked the stuffing out of her for some time. She quit her job and moved back home with her family.

That's when Maxwell burst onto the scene.

***

From the beginning, Maxwell wasn't warmly received into the Bitterman home. This was not a big surprise.

While he does possess a certain roguish charm, Maxwell's appearance wouldn't exactly jive with any parent's fondest hope for their only daughter. Tall and angular, he has a light, but perpetual five o'clock shadow. His hair is dark and closely cropped. It's almost always covered by a ball cap that bears the insignia of Les Habitants.

Although prone to wearing a tracksuit in almost all kinds of weather, one of Maxwell's most notable characteristics are his teeth. His left front tooth is badly chipped. Several other front teeth are missing completely.

His smile, one might say, is a very distinctive one.

***

None of this should suggest that Maxwell is not an interesting fellow. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.

Firstly, it's well known that Maxwell is a highly regarded candlepin bowler. If he had a mind to do so, he could surely be the old town's best. It wouldn't even be a stretch to say that he might be the best candlepin bowler in the entire province.

This information, of course, comes from a very reliable source. It comes directly from Maxwell, himself.

***

Maxwell is also an independent businessman. As mentioned, he's the owner and operator of Cutlass Supreme Painting. According to his business card, the company can look after all your residential and commercial painting needs.

Apparently, "no job is too small" for Cutlass Supreme Painting. At least, that's what the business card says.

***

It should be no surprise that no job would be too small for Cutlass Supreme Painting. Since its inception last year, Maxwell has failed to secure any jobs at all.

According to Maxwell, this failure has everything to do with the absence of the company's namesake, a 1993 Cutlass Supreme. The vehicle is required to transport Maxwell's ladder and other painting gear. It would also be used to transport Maxwell's "crew," a motley collection of friends and cousins who'll help with his painting "gigs."

***

Ownership of the 1993 Cutlass Supreme has proven to be very illusive.

One of Maxwell's cousins owned this particular vehicle last year and wanted to sell it. Apparently, Maxwell was first in line among prospective buyers. This is how he got the idea for the company name.

Sadly, Maxwell had a series of financial setbacks and was unable to purchase the vehicle. Now another one of his cousins has acquired it. Nevertheless, Maxwell says he still has "first dibs" on it, whenever this cousin decides to sell. Whenever the matter of the vehicle is raised, Maxwell claims the sale is imminent.

***

Despite the absence of the vehicle, Maxwell has stuck with the name of the company. He still has about eight hundred Cutlass Supreme Painting business cards. If he runs out of cards before he can acquire the vehicle, Maxwell says he'll consider changing the name.

***

Maxwell's business activities, or the lack, thereof, have also played a central role in his relationship with the Bitterman family.

Until news of Baby Maybe's arrival, Mr. Bitterman simply tolerated Maxwell's occasional presence around his home. But after the pregnancy was announced, he took a much closer interest in Maxwell's employment record. Hoping to make the best of a bad situation, Mr Bitterman and his wife allowed Maxwell to move into their home. They were hoping that Britney and Maxwell could get on their feet and eventually look after themselves and Baby Maybe.

But after watching Maxwell quickly become persona non grata at several arranged job opportunities, Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman banished him from their homestead. At first, Britney seemed to agree with this stand. But it wasn't long before the pair was seen together around the Sack when Britney's folks weren't around.

***

Before Baby Maybe was born, Britney obtained her own apartment, courtesy of the province's social welfare system. This also allowed her to have some income, as well. To this day, support from Maxwell, unfortunately, has been almost nonexistent.

Moving out, of course, also resulted in the full resumption of Britney's relationship with Maxwell. Nevertheless, he remained unwelcome from entering the Bitterman family's Sack homestead.

***

After Baby Maybe was born, Britney started to spend almost all of her time at the Bitterman house. Sack observers say almost two-thirds of Britney's time is spent there, along with Baby Maybe.

This, of course, is no surprise. Her apartment is located in a relatively undesirable area of the old town. Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman are quite fond of Baby Maybe and provide Britney with as much help as she needs with the wee lad. This can only be a good thing for both of them.

Oscar says Britney's frequent visits to the family home have more to do with the availability of digital cable than anything else. I remain doubtful about this.

***

Over the last few months, very little has changed in the lives of Maxwell, Britney and the rest of the Bitterman clan.

Maxwell remains comfortably unemployed. According to Mr. Bitterman, the only contribution he has made to the welfare of young Baby Maybe is the gift of a new bicycle. The bicycle is quite expensive and is more suitable for a six-year-old, rather than a six-month-old infant.

Mr. Bitterman told Oscar he would be "a monkey's uncle" if the bike didn't "fall from the back of a truck."

***

Britney, on the other hand, has been quick to defend Maxwell in the face of criticism about his support for her and Baby Maybe.

Recently, she told Daisy that Maxwell has provided several packages of disposable diapers for their son. And on a fairly regular basis, he surprises her with a pizza supper. Apparently, one of Maxwell's cousins is a pizza delivery man and provides him with free pies. Britney says the cousin owes Maxwell some money, so he's paying him back with pizza. At least that's how Maxwell explained it to her.

***

Since we last checked in on them, there has been one notable change in the world of Britney and Maxwell. This development came as a big surprise to most Sack observers. Apparently, the welcome mat has been dusted off. Maxwell is now permitted, once again, into the Bitterman home.

Oscar says this development signifies Mr. Bitterman's resignation, rather than his acceptance, of his daughter's relationship with Maxwell. According to Mr. Bitterman, he simply gave into pressure from both his wife and his daughter. Other than a terse greeting, he says he still refuses to have anything to do with Britney's nefarious partner.

***

Weed, of course, is the Sack's official correspondent when it comes to matters relating to Maxwell.

Weed works at a call centre adjacent to the local shopping emporium. He frequently encounters Maxwell in the mall's food court. Apparently, this is also the head office for Cutlass Supreme Painting. Maxwell used to operate out of the local coffee cathedral but was forced to relocate after an unfortunate tryst with one of its coffee matrons.

According to Maxwell, he was welcomed into the Bitterman home again because of his diligence in resurrecting the fortunes of Cutlass Supreme Painting. He told Weed that he has a bonafide painting gig lined up for early January. Apparently, it's a contract to do some interior painting at a home in the old town's tony south end.

Maxwell says the gig will pay him "mucho dollars."

***

The painting gig was secured while Maxwell was helping his cousin scavenge for recyclable bottles and cans in a south end neighbourhood. Apparently, he told a woman on their route about his exemplary painting abilities. One thing lead to another, Maxwell explained, and the next thing he knew "Bob's your uncle."

According to Weed, Maxwell was rather vague about how he and his "crew" would transport their painting gear to the south end home. He mentioned something about the loan of a vehicle from "the stepfather of a friend's girlfriend."

Weed says Maxwell is smoking too much of the local ganja again.

***

Normally, I would've said something like "he could be right about this" in response to Weed's observation about Maxwell's business prospects. In fact, until Thursday afternoon this was exactly what I did say.

It was just after four o'clock and I had just returned from another day of gainful employment. I noticed that Oscar and Maxwell were chatting at the foot of the Bitterman driveway. A car was parked in the driveway behind them. The hood was raised and some tools lay on the ground in front of the vehicle.

It was a silver Cutlass Supreme. If I wasn't mistaken, it looked like a 1993 model.

***

My day at work had been a busy one. I wanted nothing more than some peaceful solitude inside the Wonders' home.

But it was clear that Sack business was at hand. A new story was obviously unfolding in front of my eyes. And since the blogging machine will not tell these tales on its own, I walked over to join Maxwell and Oscar on the Bitterman driveway.

***

The vehicle was, in fact, the authentic and much coveted 1993 Cutlass Supreme that sparked the creation of Cutlass Supreme Painting. Maxwell was tinkering with its carburetor. Apparently, it had been causing some trouble and Maxwell wanted to "check her out."

I will admit to some brief moments of awe as I considered the presence of the Cutlass Supreme. It has taken on almost mythical proportions since Maxwell first spoke about it last year.

Oscar said it was like finally getting to see a real flying saucer. I remain doubtful about this.

***

According to Maxwell, he's now the proud owner of the vehicle.

The last cousin to own it is spending a short period of time in the old town's correctional centre. Because of the incarceration, he needed to raise some revenue. Maxwell plans to pay for the vehicle from the profits of next month's south end gig.

***

With great pride, Maxwell gave us a walking tour of his 1993 Cutlass Supreme. The car is (or perhaps, was) silver in colour. A lot of body work has been done to its exterior. Various different shades of silver and grey are visible on the car.

On the back bumper, one can find two different bumper stickers. The first acknowledges the old town's police benevolent fund. The second reads: "This car climbed Mt. Washington."

***

According to Maxwell, the Cutlass Supreme climbed Mt. Washington while in the possession of his Uncle Ted.

Maxwell's Uncle Ted is a renowned one-armed candlepin bowling champion. Apparently, he has beaten the best from here, all the way to New Hampshire. Coincidently, this is also where one can find Mt. Washington.

According to Maxwell, Uncle Ted drove the Cutlass Supreme up Mount Washington about seven years ago. He was in New Hampshire to play in a candlepin bowling tournament. Maxwell says there is no doubt that his uncle, from a candlepin bowling perspective, "kicked everyone's butt to the curb."

Uncle Ted apparently owned the Cutlass Supreme for about eight of the car's thirteen years. He bought it from a used-car dealer in 1996 for use as a taxi cab. This was what the vehicle was used for until 2004. Since then, it has been owned by a number of Maxwell's close and distant cousins.

***

Maxwell sat proudly in the car's front seat. The inside of the car smelled vaguely of dirty laundry.

As he pointed out the car's various strengths (the cigarette lighter still works), Maxwell put the key in the ignition and tried to start the car. The engine coughed a few times, but refused to activate.

Maxwell cursed and stepped out of the car. He took off his baseball cap and then repositioned it back on his head. He tinkered under the hood for a moment and then tried the ignition again.

The car still wouldn't start.

***

Standing beside Maxwell, Oscar bent over the hood and gazed at the engine thoughtfully. That's when I decided to make my exit. The workings of an automobile always fail to hold my interest. I would sooner pay someone to carry out repairs than spend my time learning more about such matters.

It's all just a matter of interest.

My decision to leave proved fortuitous. Just as I arrived back on the Wonders' property, Mr. Bitterman cruised into the Sack. Since his driveway was blocked by Maxwell's Cutlass Supreme, he was forced to park illegally by the Sack's centre circle.

Mr. Bitterman is not the type of man who is accustomed to finding that his driveway is unavailable to him, even temporarily.

***

I watched from the safety of my own porch as Mr. Bitterman approached Maxwell. Oscar still stood on the Bitterman driveway, but he had started to edge himself slowly toward his own property.

Mr. Bitterman started talking to Maxwell in a very animated fashion. He stabbed his finger at the Cutlass Supreme and then jerked his thumb backwards toward the street.

He wanted Maxwell to move his "piece of crap" out of the Bitterman driveway.

***

It was obvious that Maxwell was trying to explain to Mr. Bitterman that the car would not start. He pointed several times at the engine and then held his hands up in the air.

Mr. Bitterman started rubbing his forehead and then put both hands on the top of his head. He looked like he was going to say something else to Maxwell, but then seemed to change his mind. He quickly pushed past Maxwell and went into the house.

A few minutes later, Britney emerged from the house and started to give Maxwell a piece of her mind. Maxwell kept shrugging and pointing at the car. Soon he was showing her something under the hood.

Britney was then instructed to start the car as Maxwell fiddled with something under the hood. After several unsuccessful attempts, she climbed out of the vehicle and stood talking and smoking with Maxwell on the driveway.

Then they both went into the house.

***

About an hour later, the Wonders' phone rang. It was Oscar.

Oscar encouraged me to take a look outside at the Bitterman home. A peeler car had pulled alongside Mr. Bitterman's car as it sat beside the Sack's centre circle. A young officer was busy writing a parking ticket.

The Cutlass Supreme still sat in the Bitterman driveway with its hood up.

***

Thirty minutes later, Oscar called again. Apparently, a new chapter in Mr. Bitterman's relationship with Maxwell was unfolding.

Mr. Bitterman had clearly found the parking ticket. The fines for such infractions have increased dramatically in the old town in recent months. Mr. Bitterman's violation will cost him fifty dollars.

It would be an understatement to suggest that he was pleased about the ticket. As Oscar would learn the next day, Mr. Bitterman was so upset by the ticket that he demanded that Maxwell have the vehicle removed from his driveway immediately.

Maxwell had Britney sit in the driver's seat while he pushed the Cutlass Supreme onto the street. He pushed it to a spot on the Sack's centre circle, directly opposite from where Mr. Bitterman was parked.

That's what was going on when Oscar called the second time.

***

Oscar called the Wonders' house again several hours later. It was his third call of the evening.

This time he said something more was happening in the Maxwell/Bitterman file. Looking out the window, a tow truck was engaged in lifting up Maxwell's Cutlass Supreme. Maxwell was nowhere to be seen.

Within minutes the Cutlass Supreme was fully in the tow truck's grip. A sign on the truck indicated that it was working under the auspices of the old town's parking control services.

***

On Friday afternoon, Oscar ran into Mr. Bitterman when each returned to their homes at the same time. Mr. Bitterman, according to Oscar, was in a jovial mood.

Apparently, Maxwell had left the Cutlass Supreme in the Sack and said he would be returning the next day with his cousin, Alfie. Apparently, Alfie can fix any kind of car, even with one hand tied behind his back.

Maxwell and Britney left the Bitterman home on Thursday evening along with Baby Maybe. They took a cab back to Britney's apartment.

Mr. Bitterman returned his own vehicle to its regular place on his driveway. But he was still steamed about the fifty-dollar ticket. Looking out his front window, he could easily see Maxwell's "bucket of bolts" in the middle of the Sack. Every minute of seeing it only increased his anger.

Several hours later he got the idea to call the peelers about Maxwell's "abandoned car."

***

When the peeler's arrived late on Thursday night, Mr. Bitterman argued that the car deserved to be towed away, rather than just receive a ticket. Eventually the peeler's agreed and a tow truck was called.

As of Friday afternoon, Mr. Bitterman had no idea if Maxwell was aware of the car's disappearance. He didn't know if Maxwell and his cousin Alfie had been back to work on the car during the morning. Quickly frankly, he said he didn't really care either way.

The key thing, he explained to Oscar, was that he had struck back at Maxwell without detection. Apparently, neither the peelers nor the towing company is permitted to identify the source of the parking complaint. Mr. Bitterman said he planned to deny any responsibility for the matter, if Maxwell or Britney accused him of blowing the whistle on the illegally-parked car.

***

So Maxwell finally obtained the illusive Cutlass Supreme only to lose it almost immediately.

Weed thinks it's a great irony that Mr. Bitterman would have a direct hand in making this happen. Just when it appears that Maxwell might be telling the truth about an employment opportunity, Mr. Bitterman has, at least temporarily, given Maxwell a setback that could prevent it from taking place. Weed says Maxwell is unlikely to have the resources to get the car back from the towing company.

This irony, according to Oscar, was certainly lost on Mr. Bitterman. Oscar said he has never seen Mr. Bitterman look so happy, as he described his decision to have the Cutlass Supreme towed away.

As we enter the holiday season, Oscar says we can look forward to some renewed shenanigans from Maxwell and the Bitterman clan.

He could be right about this.

***