The Doug Deliberations

First, we extend our best wishes to one and all for a very Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

And now, in anticipation of this year's Doug of the Year (DOTY) award, we continue our review of all things Doug related. . . .

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Universal health care is a cornerstone of Canadian federalism. For Little Doug, this is a very good thing indeed. Health-related concerns dominated his year in the Sack.

Last January, Little Doug was diagnosed with diabetes. Diabetes, of course, is a very serious matter. For Little Doug, it meant a number of immediate lifestyle changes. His first and most significant challenge was to give up his lifelong dependency on Pepsi.

According to Little Doug, the battle to put Pepsi behind him was epic. It was, as he described it, a staple of his old diet. Thankfully, Little Doug was successful in this endeavour, although he still salivates when he walks by the soft drink display at the local grocery store.

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The diabetes diagnosis also required him to attend educational classes at the old town's general hospital.

For Little Doug, this requirement filled him with no small amount of trepidation. He said he hadn't attended a class of any kind since he said goodbye to formal education after the tenth grade.

Once again, however, he rose to the occasion. According to Little Doug, he "aced" the class with hardly breaking a sweat. This must be true since he's hardly prone to exaggeration. He was so committed to the class that he acquired an audio tape on the subject of diabetes and played it regularly in his car.

With the tape playing as he drove around the old town, Little Doug claimed that his car had become a veritable "university on wheels."

***

Diabetes also demanded that Little Doug should become more physically active.

He embarked on a regimen of lengthy walks which almost always ended at the local Canadian Tire store. Unfortunately, he was often too tired to walk back to the Sack. Little Doug made a habit of calling his daughter, Daisy to pick him up. She quickly put a stop to this practice since she was very pregnant with Baby Doug at the time.

For a short time, Little Doug even tried walking continuously around the Sack. Sack residents, however, put a damper on this endeavour by engaging in frequent conversation with him. Little Doug said it became impossible to get any momentum going during his walks.

Ultimately, Little Doug's exercise program ended in the same manner as Oscar's ill-fated "Man Boobs Be Gone" effort. Now he takes a short walk to the local coffee cathedral and enjoys a coffee and a maple sugar donut.

His coffee order, according to Little Doug, involves only a single shot of cream and, in recognition of his diabetes, not a trace of sugar.

***

But diabetes was not Little Doug's only health issue during the year.

He endured an unfortunate tongue-biting incident that caused him considerable pain. Weed, who was a witness to the affair, admits that this event alone could make Little Doug a serious contender for the DOTY award. It wasn't so much that he bit his tongue, as the immortal words he uttered after doing so.

According to Weed, Little Doug shrieked with pain and then exclaimed, "Ah bit ma puckin' dung."

***

A third health matter was of the dental variety.

Little Doug accidently flushed his upper dental plate down the toilet. Although he was able to retrieve the plate, he could not bring himself to use it again.

Unfortunately, a comfortable replacement plate proved to be illusive for some time. It took several months before he found a good fit. Little Doug had hoped to become active on the dating scene and the absence of upper teeth caused the plan to rest on the back burner. Armed (or perhaps, mouthed) with his new dental plate, he has begun to explore the Internet for dating partners.

So far, he reports little success with this endeavour.

***

There were also three significant achievements for Little Doug during the year, in addition to his health-related woes.

Firstly, he managed to leave his lawn mower in the middle of his side lawn for the duration for the winter, much to the chagrin of both Gordon and Big Doug. Oscar claims the scene should've been regarded as an outdoor art installation, rather than an eyesore. He called the artwork An Ode to Laziness.

Little Doug finally moved it in May when it was time to cut the lawn for the first time. He shrugged off complaints about the matter, stating that it gave him the opportunity to fix the mower when it was time to start using it again.

Little Doug, of course, is very good at fixing things.

***

The second achievement occurred when Little Doug successfully scaled a twenty-foot ladder to make repairs on Oscar's roof.

The achievement here was not in the making of the repairs, but in scaling the ladder without incident. Little Doug, of course, is also very good at falling from ladders.

***

Weed notes that Little Doug should also be recognized for becoming a grandfather for the first time, after the birth of Weed's son, Baby Doug.

Not surprisingly, Oscar scoffed at this claim, stating that Little Doug was a mere bystander to the whole affair. Another raucous debate ensued between Oscar and Weed. I will not waste valuable blogging machine time on the details of their conflict.

***

If Little Doug's year had a health theme, Computer Doug's year was mostly about household problems.

Computer Doug, of course, has neither interest nor ability when it comes to the matter of household maintenance. In fact, his face takes on a mild look of surprise when something malfunctions or requires repair. There were three good examples of this during the past year.

Last February, a visiting friend heard a dull droning sound coming from Computer Doug's basement. Closer investigation revealed that the motor in his air exchanger was taking its dying breaths.

Computer Doug was not only surprised to hear about the motor. He was also shocked to learn that his house had an air exchanger. Unfortunately, this also meant that he had failed to clean its filters every year. As his friend dryly pointed out to him, this was probably a contributing factor in the death of his motor.

The replacement motor cost about three hundred dollars.

***

On another cold winter morning, Computer Doug woke up to find his home without any hot water. He ventured a quick look at his furnace and deduced that it wasn't working.

Computer Doug will be the first to admit that he finds his furnace room to be a frightening place. He calls his furnace "the grey monster." He knows it provides heat to his home and is fed by the oil tank at the side of his house. But he says he hasn't the foggiest idea how the grey monster manages to do its job.

Summoned to the scene, Little Doug took a quick look around and discovered that Computer Doug's oil tank was "bone dry."

He spent more than three hundred dollars to refill the tank with heating oil.

***

"Three hundred dollars" might also be considered as another theme for Computer Doug's year. The day after his furnace went dry, he was driving home to the Sack and was stopped by one of the old town's peelers. Unbeknownst to Computer Doug, his driver's license had expired. He had also made an illegal turn.

A series of tickets was issued. Computer Doug said he didn't need the peeler to tell him the total of the fines attached to the tickets. By this time, he was aware of the "three hundred dollars" theme.

***

The final household woe to befall Computer Doug involved a starling's nest.

For days on end, different Sack residents informed him of a nest in one of his air vents. If you watched patiently for several minutes, you wouldn't fail to see the industrious starling as it battled to enter the vent with nest-making material.

Despite such strong evidence, Computer Doug simply refused to acknowledge the existence of the starling's nest. It wasn't until his wife, Marion heard the starling frantically chirping through the bathroom air vent that he was moved to do something about it.

It only cost fifty dollars to clean out the vent and attach a better screen.

***

Computer Doug did suffer one notable health woe during the year.

Eschewing the walking regimens adopted by Little Doug and Oscar, he decided to take up running. During his first and only outing, he suffered a nasty case of jogger's nipple.

He has since taken up walks to the local coffee cathedral, instead.

***

You would be mistaken if you had the impression that Computer Doug is a rather beleaguered soul. He was not without his own achievements during the year.

Computer Doug is notable for purchasing the majority of his clothing from eBay. He caught our attention on two occasions this year with his taste for online haberdashery. In the first instance, he arrived home from his office one day wearing a bright, pink dress shirt.

It is difficult to find the words to describe the brilliance of the garment. It should suffice to say that Sack residents who were outdoors at the time came to an immediate halt. Children playing in the Sack's centre circle, even the one's with attention difficulties, stood like statues with their mouths agape. Oscar claims that even the birds stopped singing for a moment, although I remain doubtful about this.

Computer Doug modestly accepted compliments on the uniqueness of his dress shirt. He admitted that even he was surprised by its metallic sheen when it arrived via courier. While he admits to owning a "killer" computer monitor, he said the image of the shirt on the eBay site hardly did justice to the shirt's actual hue.

Oscar says that Computer Doug should be given strong consideration for the DOTY award, not because of his ownership of the shirt, but because he has actually worn it more than once.

***

On another occasion, Computer Doug dropped by our show on a mild summer evening.

He was wearing another eBay purchase, something he calls "lounging pants." Other people might call them "pyjama bottoms." In this instance, his lounging pants were chocolate brown and covered with cartoon images of bright green grasshoppers. Oscar made a great fuss over the pants and Computer Doug's decision to acquire them. Weed said very little about the matter. He was, for lack of a better term, awe-struck.

Computer Doug claimed the pants were "one of a kind."

***

Big Doug's performance this year was consistent with his track record. He was measured, steady and methodical.

As usual, he maintained his impossibly high standards for lawn care and snow removal. For the sixth consecutive year, he won the Sack's unofficial best lawn award. If there was a similar award for snow shoveling, Oscar says it should be named after Big Doug and then given, out of fairness, to someone else. He could be right about this.

Big Doug's garage also remains as neat and orderly as a soldier on parade. The shiny black pick-up truck in his driveway looks like it arrived from a dealership show room and was never driven again.

***

Aside from his fastidious ways, Big Doug stood out for other reasons during the past year.

During his annual vacation in Cuba, he delivered a supply of surplus T-shirts to his comrades there. The T-shirts were left over from a bonspiel at his curling club several years ago. On the back of the white garments is the well known curling phrase, "Hurry, Hard!"

One can only imagine that, as we speak, the lucky Cuban resort workers are indeed, hurrying hard.

***

Although he isn't known for his political activism, Big Doug took a stand in favour of Canada's controversial seal hunt this year. Strangely, the benefactor of his actions turned out to be Computer Doug.

Paul McCartney and his now-estranged wife, Heather Mills appeared in the old town as part of their anti-hunt campaign. Big Doug, a native Newfoundlander, was furious about the whole affair. He found some old Wings albums in his basement and made a great show of removing them from his home.

Big Doug, of course, is not known for his interest in music. He admitted that the albums from the 1970s were likely the last he had ever purchased. Computer Doug, on the other hand, is an avid collector and historian of popular music. He was thrilled to add the albums to his collection. He also said he had no particular opinion on the seal hunt.

***

The other notable thing about Big Doug this year was unrelated to any achievement or shenanigan.

During the year, it was observed that Big Doug makes frequent use of the word, "arse." The steady ennui that marks life in a suburban cul-de-sac allowed us to pay very close attention to any variation that he might make from this usage.

Intensive scrutiny on the matter revealed that Big Doug makes exclusive use of the word. He is not ever, as Oscar says, an "ass" man. It's always arse.

Weed still remains doubtful on this matter. Only a longitudinal study, in his view, will confirm the current finding. Oscar says he has heard enough to form an opinion on the question. Nevertheless, they agree that, at least this year, Big Doug was completely ass-free.

***

Finally, we turn our attention to last year's winner of the DOTY award, the enigmatic Rental Doug.

Rental Doug, of course, was victorious last year due to his suspected ties with the Devil. While Oscar hasn't ruled out that Rental Doug isn't actually the Devil himself, it's generally accepted that the man holds a senior position in the Devils's organization.

Of course, firm evidence of this is completely lacking. In fact, Rental Doug has been consistently conspicuous by his apparent goodness.

***

Rental Doug lives in the Sack with his spouse and their blended family kids. It's very common to see both playing with their children on their driveway or on the street. Frequently, they allow other Sack children to join them when they attend other activities, like bowling or swimming.

Before any significant holiday, Rental Doug and his family are quick to decorate the exterior of their home. They've been the first to put up decorations for Halloween and Christmas. Their home was the only one in the Sack to be decorated for Easter.

For the first time, Rental Doug also made a few guest appearances on our show. Even Oscar had to admit that he came across as cordial and good-natured. To the observer, it would be hard to fathom the man in the employ of Satan.

***

During one of his visits to the show, Rental Doug informed us that he was hopeful of purchasing the Sack home he currently enjoys with his family. He was effusive in his praise of the neighbourhood and their acceptance by other Sack residents.

So far, he has had no luck in contacting the owner of the house. The owner, of course, is a United Church minister who currently resides in another province.

***

As usual, Oscar was quick to say that Rental Doug's apparent goodness is a carefully crafted smokescreen. What else, he argues, would one expect from one of Satan's men?

In the first place, Oscar pointed to the Easter decorations as a prime example of Rental Doug's attempt to infiltrate the Sack. The number of people who decorate their homes for Easter, in his opinion, is "few and far between." Only someone working from Satan's "play book" would come up with something like this.

Secondly, Oscar highlighted the "herculean" effort that Rental Doug put into his Halloween decorations, compared to his Christmas and Easter output. Rental Doug, in Oscar's eyes, could not hide his true colours during Halloween.

***

As a final measure of Rental Doug's mettle, Oscar also pointed to a significant moment during the man's visit to our show this summer.

As Rental Doug took his leave from the show, Jeff Christ happened to make his own cameo appearance. The tension on the Wonders' front porch, in Oscar's mind, was palpable. Not only did the two men barely acknowledge each other, but neither made an attempt to shake hands.

Weed, of course, noted that Jeff Christ couldn't extend a hand to Rental Doug, because of the case of beer he was holding for Ben, his uncle. Oscar acknowledged this fact, but said it certainly didn't take Rental Doug off the hook in the matter.

***

As the hour grew late, continued discussion on Rental Doug's merits for the DOTY award was abandoned. It was agreed that it's possible for a man to be both conspicuous by his goodness and be in league with the Devil.

So now we await the final decision on the DOTY award at Oscar's Boxing Day brunch. May the best Doug win.

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