The Doug Days of Winter

December is a significant time for most people. For many, it's a time for the joyous Christmas season. Some people will observe Hanukkah. And others will celebrate Kwanzaa.

In the Sack, it's a time for all of these special holidays. As Weed says, it's all a matter of "whatever floats your boat."

But there is, of course, another significant event that occurs during December. To the best of my knowledge, it's a unique matter that's known only in the Sack.

It's time for the annual Doug of the Year award.

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The Doug of the Year award or DOTY award, as Sack observers like to say, has been bestowed every year since 2000. Oscar claims that it's an august award. I remain doubtful about this.

The criteria for the DOTY award are really quite simple. One must be a resident of the Sack and must legally bear the name Doug. These characteristics automatically qualify someone as a DOTY nominee.

The actual winner of the award is the Doug who, in the opinion of the judges, has been most notable during the preceding twelve months. The winner is usually recognized for his involvement in some kind of amusing shenanigans during the year.

Conversely, the winning Doug might've accomplished something extraordinarily positive. Whatever the characteristic, the winner is chosen for standing out amongst the other Dougs. It's as simple as that.

***

Here is a quick primer on the Sack's Doug population. You could also call it A Short History of the Dougs. You don't have to call it that, of course. But you could if you wanted to.

In the beginning, there was Big Doug and Doug That Moved. As his name suggests, Doug That Moved moved.

Before he moved, Doug That Moved was known simply as Doug. He is the only Doug in Sack history to be known in this way. (If there was going to be a Doug history test at the end of this post, this is exactly the kind of question that would be on it.)

***

An incredible thing happened when Doug That Moved sold his house. It was purchased by another man named Doug. This is how Little Doug appeared in the Sack.

Little Doug received his nickname because of Big Doug. If you knew that both men were named Doug and then learned that one was known as Big Doug, you would probably say the following:

"So that other fella must be called Little Doug, right?"

***

Computer Doug was the next Doug to move into the Sack. Unlike Little Doug, you wouldn't be able to guess Computer Doug's name just by looking at him. If you spent some time around him, of course, you might come up with it eventually.

The fifth Doug to appear in the Sack was Rental Doug. He moved here more than a year ago. He's the first Doug to rent a home in the Sack, rather than hold ownership. This is also how he earned his nickname.

Sack residents are known for their great imaginations.

***

The sixth and most recent Doug is actually a baby. His nickname is also testimony to great imagination. The little tyke's name is Baby Doug. He's now one of five Dougs to live in the Sack today.

Baby Doug is a bit of a controversial Doug. His first name is actually Owen. Doug is the lad's middle name. Sack purists believe that an authentic Doug uses the moniker as a first name only.

Sack purists can be pretty damn rigid.

***

If you're a history buff or simply curious, you're probably wondering about past winners of the DOTY award. If this is true, this is your lucky day. Here are the past DOTY award winners, including their most notable achievement:

2000 - Doug That Moved (moved)

2001 - Little Doug (fixed a lot of stuff for people)

2002 - Big Doug (impossibly green lawn/shoveling skill)

2003 - Little Doug (hit Gordon in the ass with a golf ball)

2004 - Computer Doug (saw U2 twice in concert)

2005 - Rental Doug (could be Satan)

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The selection of the DOTY award winner takes place in two stages. The first stage involves a general discussion of the Dougs and their respective shenanigans over the past year. This usually takes place in the Wonders' front room in mid-December. Stage two is the actual selection debate and final decision. This usually takes place during Oscar's Boxing Day brunch on December 26.

Stage one of the DOTY award deliberations took place last Saturday. The panel of experts, as Oscar calls it, consisted of your agent, Oscar and Weed. There was some heated discussion about Weed's status as a DOTY award judge. Oscar believes that Weed's participation reflects a conflict of interest due to his relationship with two of the Sack's Doug population.

Weed, of course, is the father of Baby Doug. Little Doug also happens to be Weed's de facto father-in-law, since Weed is in a common-law relationship with Little Doug's daughter, Daisy. While Oscar claims he has complete trust in Weed's ability to be impartial, he remains concerned about public perception of the matter.

"The last thing we need," Oscar said with a stern look on his face, "is for people to compare the DOTY award to the Golden Globe Awards."

***

In the end, it was agreed that Weed would be placed on probationary status for an undetermined period, as far as his judging role is concerned. If he proved himself to be a man of sober judgement, Oscar said we would consider Weed for permanent status in the future.

Weed nodded his agreement in the matter as he placed his beer glass on the coffee table. Then he looked at Oscar and called him a "fricken' dick dog."

***

So the deliberations began in earnest. It did not take long for controversy to arise.

The first Doug to be reviewed was Baby Doug. Weed felt that his son had made a number of significant achievements since his birth last June. Each, according to Weed, would make him an ideal candidate for this year's DOTY award.

Oscar immediately leapt to his feet. In the process, he knocked over a ceramic Santa Claus on the table beside him. Thankfully, it landed on the rug and remained intact. The noise, however, brought Mrs. Wonders down from upstairs. She told Oscar that he was now on probation for an undetermined period as far as his front-room privileges were concerned.

***

After Mrs. Wonders went back upstairs, Oscar outlined his strong opposition to Baby Doug as a bonafide candidate for the award.

Oscar, of course, is well known for his position on babies and their contributions to Sack life. Babies, in his opinion, rarely have anything interesting to say, even though they're very good at interrupting things.

In this particular matter, Oscar argued that Baby Doug hasn't (1) kept a good lawn; (2) fixed anyone's computer; (3) hooked up with Satan or (4) completed any household repairs at Oscar's house. He said he was mystified about Weed's conclusion that Baby Doug would be a contender to win the DOTY award.

Weed argued that Baby Doug had, in fact, accomplished something none of the other Dougs could have dreamed of doing during the last year. He said the little tyke had enjoyed a principal role in the childbirth process. In other words, Baby Doug had done something extraordinary during the year by being born.

"Big Doug," Weed said passionately, "would have to shovel snow all the way to Vancouver to top that."

***

According to Weed, Baby Doug's second great accomplishment was also unattainable, as far as the other Doug's were concerned. Apparently, during his earliest days as a baby, Baby Doug produced "poop" that was orange and green in colour.

Oscar, of course, said this was all preposterous. Firstly, he argued, there was no proof that Baby Doug produced such a colourful mix of poop. We would have to accept Weed's word on the matter and this would only create distrust in the eyes of other Sack residents, if Baby Doug won the DOTY on these grounds.

Secondly, Oscar said stiffly, none of us are privy to the colour of bowel movements produced by the other Dougs.

"Quite frankly," he added, "I don't think we want to go there anyway."

***

A hot debate on the matter ensued.

Weed assertively defended his son as a candidate for the DOTY award. If participating in the magic of childbirth and producing orange and green poop wasn't enough to win, Weed said he couldn't imagine what would be enough.

He also noted that he did, in fact, have proof of the orange and green poop. He said he snapped a photo of it with his camera phone. He said he would be pleased to email a copy of the picture to both of us. I was quick to reassure him that no such proof was necessary on my account.

Oscar, however, sagely pointed out that Baby Doug was born by caesarean section, rather than vaginally. This was, he sniffed, the "lazy man's way out." He also recalled that Computer Doug once told a tale about having blue poop. This was proof, he allowed, that Baby Doug's colourful poop was not so unusual.

***

The story about Computer Doug's blue poop is actually true.

Several years ago, he and his wife, Marion had taken their children to the great metropolis of Toronto for a vacation. During the trip, they visited Canada's Wonderland, a Disney-like amusement park just outside of the city. Computer Doug consumed a blue ice cream cone while walking through Smurf Village. For several days after, he claimed that his poop had turned "Smurf blue."

***

As with most debates involving Weed and Oscar, fatigue started to set in.

Eventually, Weed said he didn't think there was any more to say on the matter. He suggested that we continue with a review of the other Dougs before the night was over. We weren't making any decisions tonight anyway, he said, so it would be best to "let sleeping dogs lie." Oscar nodded his agreement and in a gesture of goodwill, offered to fetch the next round of drink.

When Oscar had left the room, Weed gave me a conspiratorial look and nodded toward the kitchen.

"What a fricken' dick dog, eh?" he said quietly. Then he got to his feet and headed for the bathroom. Oscar returned while he was gone and placed some bottles of drink on the coffee table.

As he sat back in his chair, he gave a quick look toward the hallway and then shot me a furtive glance.

"Talk about a fricken' dick dog, eh?"

***

Next: The DOTY deliberations continue with the rest of the Dougs.