Conspiracy Theory

Computer Doug was observed walking to his car clad in an obviously new and luxurious leather coat. Apparently, it was a gift from his wife, Marion. She did not, according to Computer Doug, buy it from eBay.

Weed looked pensive when told about Computer Doug's leather coat. Moments later, he recited what he called his "first annual post-Christmas poem:"

Everybody wants a leather coat.

Some get 'em.

Some don't.

Oscar says we should be grateful that Weed's attempts at poetry will only occur once a year. He could be right about this.

***

The 2006 Doug of the Year (DOTY) award can now be mentioned in the past tense. After furious debate at Oscar's annual Boxing Day brunch, it was awarded to Little Doug. He becomes the first three-time winner of the award.

The decision was not without controversy. In fact, Sack conspiracy theorists are working overtime in their analysis of the matter.

Predictably, Weed argued on behalf of his son, Baby Doug. Your agent backed Big Doug for his consistently rigid display of discipline and order. Oscar, of course, lobbied for Little Doug. He argued that Little Doug was the most "unintentionally comical" of the Sack's Dougs during the year.

Furious debate on the matter ensued.

***

In the end, Weed was convinced to throw his support behind his de facto father-in-law, Little Doug. Given Oscar's position on babies (they have nothing interesting to say), Weed conceded that Baby Doug's chances for the DOTY award were negligible.

This, of course, was his explanation of the matter. Sack observers, however, believe that Weed was swayed by a helping of moose meat pie.

Coincidentally, the moose meat pie was provided by Little Doug.

***

Little Doug did not go hunting this season. Usually, he goes hunting for deer or moose every year. But this year, he decided to take an extended fishing trip instead. As a result, he didn't have any deer or moose meat available.

Fortunately, Ben went hunting with some friends and garnered a share of moose meat. He gave Little Doug some of it, in exchange for some fish.

The Sack is a beehive of bartering activity.

***

Little Doug gave Oscar the moose meat pie on Christmas Eve. For the second year in a row, Little Doug was serving turducken for Christmas dinner. He said there was no room on the menu for moose meat pie.

Weed, of course, is a nut for moose meat pie. Stuck with turducken on Christmas Day, he was elated to learn that Oscar was serving the pie on Boxing Day. Little Doug, he explained, won't be serving any at their house until New Year's Day.

Sack vegetarians, of course, remain appalled by the whole matter.

***

Oscar's support for Little Doug was suspicious. Privately, he had spoken highly of Big Doug as the potential winner. But something seemed to change after his Christmas Eve visit to Little Doug's house.

It was only after the DOTY award decision had been reached that a piece of curious information was revealed. It was Weed who innocently let the cat out the bag. Apparently, Little Doug has agreed to do some interior renovations at Oscar's house in January. It will involve the movement of a wall and the installation of some crown moulding.

The renovation work was obviously enough to sway Oscar's vote. The moose meat pie was clearly aimed at making Weed look favourably on Little Doug. Not even the Golden Globe awards are this transparent when it comes to selection shenanigans.

***

Oscar, of course, bristled at any suggestion that his choice for the DOTY award was swayed by Little Doug's agreement to complete renovations on his home.

And Weed shrugged innocently when asked about the influence of moose meat pie on his support for Little Doug. He said he could understand the "optics" in the matter, but reassured me of his great integrity.

"People who know me well," he said with confidence, "know I don't flip for food."

***

So there you have it. Little Doug has won his third DOTY award in seven years.

Some may say that he was quite deserving of the honour. After all, doing battle with diabetes, losing his upper dental plate and creating outdoor art with his lawn mower has to be worth something.

Still, the decision is surrounded by an odour of moose meat pie and broken drywall. We may never know for certain whether the respectable sheen of the DOTY award has been truly tarnished. Nevertheless, the odour remains.

***

This morning, Little Doug returned to the Sack accompanied by his elderly mother, Ethel. They were coming back from a post-Christmas shopping expedition. Ethel has been staying at the Little Doug household since Christmas Eve. She'll be staying there until New Year's Day.

Oscar and I were chatting at the foot of his driveway. He was in the middle of his defense of the DOTY award selection process. When Little Doug emerged from his car, our discussion ended abruptly and we fought hard to contain our laughter. Little Doug was wearing an enormous, ill-fitting toque on his head.

The toque was red and green and made from very thick wool. There was some kind of indiscernible pattern on the sides. Oscar said it was the most perplexing piece of winter apparel he had ever laid eyes upon. The best word he could find to describe it was "clownish."

***

After helping Ethel into the house, Little Doug joined us at the curb. He was still wearing his clownish toque.

"What, in the name of God," Oscar asked, "is that thing on your head."

Little Doug chuckled and readjusted the monstrosity on his head. It was clearly too big for anyone but a man with a pumpkin-sized skull. The pattern on the side seemed to suggest an animal of some kind. Little Doug said it was supposed to be a moose, but a small three-legged dog seemed more likely.

According to Little Doug, the toque was a gift from his mother. He referred to it as his "Christmas hat."

Apparently, Ethel used to be a top-flight knitter "back in the day." Now, arthritis, poor eyesight and a touch of dementia have dulled the edges of her knitting skills. Little Doug said he accepted the gift with grace and planned to wear it for the balance of her visit.

"That's very nice of you to do that," Oscar said solemnly. Then he added, "But you still look like Bozo the Clown."

***

Little Doug was aware of his new status as the DOTY award recipient. He was very humble about the honour, although he lamented the absence of a cash prize. Only Big Doug and Rental Doug remain unaware of their past victories. Big Doug likely wouldn't see the humour in it and we don't know Rental Doug well enough to let him in on the matter.

As we continued to talk at the foot of Oscar's driveway, the front door of Little Doug's house opened and his mother's head appeared around the door.

"Douglas, darling," she called out with a frail voice, "I think we left a bag in the back seat of the car. Could you check for it, love?"

Little Doug waved obediently and said he would catch up with us later. We watched as he shuffled off toward his car, hiking his pants up as he walked. Little Doug always has trouble keeping his pants where he wants them to be. Despite this, he's not a big fan of belts.

As he climbed his porch steps with a small bag in hand, his homemade Christmas toque flopped precariously on his head. Near the top step, he tripped slightly and dropped the bag. He picked it up, looked in our direction and chuckled. Before he opened the front door, he hitched up his pants again and then readjusted his toque. Then he turned and waved to us, before walking into his house.

Oscar turned around and touched me lightly on the shoulder. "Now, how could you ever think that Little Douglas shouldn't be Doug of the Year?"

***