The Gathering of the Clan

The old town woke up on Easter Sunday to about thirty centimetres of snow. This was not, as the phrase goes, a harbinger of spring.

A plastic bag filled with dog poop has been languishing on the pavement near the Sack's centre circle for almost three weeks. After the snowfall, it was no longer visible from the Wonders' front window. This was the only one benefit to be derived from the dastardly snowstorm.

Rain and fog, the old town's customary weather, has prevailed since Easter Sunday. As the snow gradually melted, rumours of more hospitable weather began anew.

The flattened bag of dog poop, however, is still there.

My resolve to stay out of the matter remains strong. But it's turning out to be a monumental challenge. This whole affair is going into sudden-death overtime.

I'm also getting tired of writing about a bag of dog poop.

***

A number of cars were parked outside Little Doug's house on Easter Sunday. He was hosting a gathering of his extended family.

It was easy to imagine that a warm and jovial time was unfolding beyond the facade of Little Doug's home. Perhaps there was a large gathering around the kitchen table or a raucous game of cards was in progress. Everyone would have drinks in hand, as they swapped good-natured insults or offered encouragement to each other. Maybe there would be music playing in the background.

This, of course, was the story I made up in my head, as I stood at the Wonders' front window.

***

Weed is a member of Little Doug's extended family. He was in attendance at the gathering on Easter Sunday. Last Friday, he provided a detailed report on the affair. He was the sole guest on our show in the Wonders' front room.

His experience at the gathering, however, didn't exactly jive with your agent's optimistic imagination. While nothing remarkable occurred during the affair, some of the attendees made it an unusual afternoon. At least, that was his perspective on the matter.

Little Doug's extended family members, according to Weed, are a bit of a motley crew.

***

Recently, Little Doug's daughter, Daisy took a trip to visit her mother. She brought the infant, Baby Doug with her.

Daisy's mother lives in the great State of Maine with her second husband. They met on the Internet a number of years ago. She was still married to Little Doug at the time.

Weed likes to say that Daisy's mother acquired her new husband on eBay. I remain doubtful about this.

***

Little Doug had only one request for his daughter when she visited the great State of Maine. He asked her to bring back a frozen American turkey.

According to Little Doug, you can buy a turkey in the U.S. for half the cost of one from the old town. With the Easter Sunday gathering in mind, he said someone would be crazy not to take advantage of such a deal.

Little Doug said he had no idea why an American turkey would cost significantly less than a Canadian bird.

"That's just the way it is, I guess," he said with a shrug.

Oscar had his own opinion when the matter was raised on our show. By paying more for turkeys and other items, he pointed out, Canadians are able to enjoy free universal health care.

"Never underestimate the power of your turkey tax dollar," he said sagely. Then he added, "Think about that the next time you go to the doctor."

***

Daisy, of course, brought the requested American turkey home. She had to transport it in a cooler packed with ice. She said it was a "royal pain in the ass" to cart it home with her.

In the future, she told Weed, Little Doug will have to get his cheap American turkeys on his own.

***

Little Doug served the American turkey to his extended family on Easter Sunday.

There were about fifteen people in attendance. His elderly mother was there, along with his four siblings and their various spouses. A few aunts and uncles were there, as well. Weed said a smattering of cousins and nieces joined the gathering, too.

The only person who wasn't related to Little Doug's family by blood or marriage was a fellow named Byron. According to Weed, Byron has been a lifelong friend of the family. Over the years, they have simply included him as a member of their own family.

Byron grew up on the same street as Little Doug. He lived with his parents until both passed away a few years ago. Now in his late thirties, Byron lives in a basement apartment in the house where Little Doug's oldest sister lives with her family.

Byron, according to Weed, is a very odd fellow.

***

Weed said the most apt word to describe Byron's physical stature was "beanpole." Although he was well over six feet, Byron would be lucky to weigh more than a hundred and fifty pounds.

The clothing that covered Byron's lanky frame gave him the appearance of an unmade bed. He wore a wrinkled, oversized denim shirt and a pair of khaki pants which had clearly never met the flat side of an iron. His pant legs ended at least five inches north of his shoes. On his feet were thick, grey work socks and a pair of open-toed, brown sandals.

In addition to his interesting sense of style, Weed said Byron was also one of the most hirsute individuals he had ever run across. So thick was the hair on his hands, Weed said you could easily run a comb through it. There was also an unsettling amount of coarse hair that protruded from his nose and ears. Byron's five o'clock shadow, he added, looked like it was applied with charcoal.

To make matters worse, Weed said Byron carried a heavy odour that was reminiscent of wet hockey equipment.

***

Weed said he spoke with Byron for about twenty minutes in the livingroom of Little Doug's home. Half of the gathering was ensconced in this location, while the other half congregated in the kitchen.

Twenty minutes, according to Weed, was the longest he could manage in conversing with Byron. In part, this was due to the smell of wet hockey equipment. The other difficulty was Byron's eyeglasses. He wore a pair of large black-framed glasses with very thick lenses. Weed said the lenses made Byron's eyeballs look like the size of two toonies.

In the end, Weed said his eyes were starting to water from looking at Byron's magnified eyeballs.

***

Weed said Byron was quite an amiable fellow. He was fanatical about watching hockey on television and had a masterful grasp of statistics and trivia. He was also a rabid supporter of the Detroit Red Wings. Despite this interest, he told Weed he had never played the game himself.

Weed thought this was odd for someone who smelled like wet hockey equipment.

Another interesting aspect of Byron was the sound of his laugh. Weed called it a donkey laugh. He was so intrigued by it that he did his best to make jokes that would induce Byron to repeat it.

Eventually, Little Doug had to tell Weed to knock it off. Apparently, if Byron does his donkey laugh too much, he gets a bad case of hiccups. More than a few family gatherings, he told Weed privately, have been ruined by this.

***

The oldest of Little Doug's two sisters was also in the livingroom.

Weed said gatherings of Little Doug's clan are usually held at her home. He said he was glad that he didn't have to go there this time. Apparently, her home is dominated by her extensive collection of porcelain turtles. Weed says going to her home is like visiting a crowded antique shop. The only difference is that all of the antiques are porcelain turtles.

After his last visit to Little Doug's sister's home, Weed said he had nightmares about evil porcelain turtles that suddenly came to life.

***

Little Doug's oldest sister's name is May. She is rather short and round in appearance and is prone to wearing thick turtleneck sweaters. Weed says he has no idea whether this is related to her interest in porcelain turtles.

May believes that her turtle collection is now the largest in the country east of Montreal. There used to be a fellow in New Brunswick with a larger collection, but apparently he died last year. May said she has no idea what happened to his collection. She tried to get information about it through an Internet discussion group devoted to the matter of porcelain turtles, but kept running into brick walls. Apparently, the man was a loner without any family. May fears that his collection was simply carted off to a dump.

During the family gathering, May reported that she was saving her money to purchase another display case for some of her more recent porcelain turtles. Her husband, a gaunt-looking fellow who works as a long-haul truck driver, was going to pick it up for her on his next trip through the great State of New Hampshire.

She said it was driving her crazy not to have more room for her porcelain turtles.

***

The most intriguing character at Little Doug's family gathering was a man named Clay. He's the husband of Little Doug's youngest sister.

Clay doesn't have an unusual appearance, a donkey laugh or any odd collections. In fact, Weed said it would be difficult to observe anything unusual about Clay, if you were introduced to him. This is because he has a special talent known only to his extended family and few close friends.

Clay, according to Weed, has the ability to fart on demand.

"Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week," Weed told us, with obvious enthusiasm in his voice, "this guy can summon a fart without a second thought."

Oscar could barely contain his disbelief. From a physiological standpoint, he said he didn't think this could be possible. Weed, however, was adamant about the matter.

"Trust me. I was doubtful, too," Weed replied, "But ever since I found out about it, I've tested the guy. I've met him about ten times over the last five years and he has never me let me down. As soon as I saw him on Sunday, I asked him to fart and he did it right away. Three other people asked him to do it, too. He came through every time."

If there was a world farting championship, Weed said Clay would be a shoo-in for the title. He had even considered a new name for the man, if such a title was ever awarded.

"After he won, I'd change his name to Gaseous Clay."

***

Little Doug's one-eyed Uncle Raymond was also in attendance at the family gathering. He did not, however, remove his prosthetic eye during the affair. Weed had mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, he said it would've been interesting to see it, but it would have grossed him out as well.

While Uncle Raymond didn't remove his eye for the gathering, Weed said he was still the centre of attention for a few brief moments. A heavy smoker, with a myriad of medical problems, he fell into a substantial coughing fit during the Easter Sunday dinner.

Weed said the coughing bout was so severe, he expected Raymond to expel one of his lungs onto the dinner table. Daisy was so concerned about her great-uncle that she was going to summon an ambulance to the scene. Thankfully, Raymond recovered before she hit the final digit on a 911 call.

The outburst, Weed explained, cast a pall over the dinner table for a few minutes. But then Clay provided a comical fart that quickly broke the accumulated tension in the room.

"The guy is a real pro," Weed said with admiration.

***

Aside from Uncle Raymond's near-death experience, Weed said there was one other matter that created difficulty during the family gathering. It was something that has been plaguing Little Doug's extended family for a considerable period.

Little Doug's two sisters are currently embroiled in conflict. As a result, they haven't spoken to each other since 2005. Apparently, they had an argument about something and exchanged some nasty words with each other. Nobody, according to Weed, is quite certain about the nature of the argument.

Ever since, however, the family has been divided along lines of support for the two sisters. This is why part of the family congregates in the kitchen, while the rest are in the livingroom. Weed, who has the freedom to move back and forth between the two locations, says the two groups often spend time talking about each other.

June is the name of Little Doug's youngest sister. According to Weed, June was ranting in the kitchen about her sister, May's interest in porcelain turtles. Meanwhile, May was holding court in the livingroom with her criticism of June's husband, Clay.

"I have no idea what the problem between the two of them is," Weed said protectively, "but I don't think it's fair to bring Clay's farting abilities into it."

***

Although May and June still won't talk to each other, Weed said Little Doug's family is still able to sit down at the same table to enjoy a turkey dinner.

Everyone, according to Weed, thought the turkey from the great State of Maine was delicious. Despite his slim frame, Byron had several helpings and said it was the best turkey he had ever eaten.

The highest compliment, however, came from Gaseous Clay. At the end of the meal, Little Doug asked everyone if they enjoyed the turkey. After everyone murmured their approval, Clay let loose with four short, consecutive farts.

"A four out of five rating," Weed said with approval. "That's a successful family gathering in anyone's book."

***