Porcine Aviation

It's back.

The ancient Ford Fiesta owned by Dora's sister, Dixie has returned to the Sack. The peelers towed the vehicle after discovering that it was neither registered, nor insured.

The peelers learned about this while responding to a minor accident in the Sack. Philip, Elizabeth's erstwhile husband, hit the Ford Fiesta when backing out of their driveway. He summoned the peelers when Dixie tried to demand an exorbitant cash settlement to repair the dent on the passenger's door. He was also incensed because the car had been parked illegally at the time of the accident.

Elizabeth said there has been no further verbal communication between Philip and the residents of Burning Manor since the accident occurred. Nevertheless, there was one nonverbal exchange on Tuesday morning.

Philip was leaving for his job at a local funeral home. Dixie was walking down the front steps of Burning Manor. When she saw Philip, she extended her right hand with her middle finger raised in the air. Then she repeated the same gesture with her left hand.

According to Oscar, it was the first two-handed, middle-finger rebuke in Sack history.

***

There are some new developments in the lives of Maxwell and his delightful partner, Britney Bitterman.

When we last heard about Maxwell's fortunes, his life was on a definite upswing. He was gainfully employed with the old town's waste management professionals. He was also on the verge of moving into his very own one-bedroom apartment.

From Maxwell's perspective, however, his crowning achievement was the acquisition of some used lawn furniture. Ben and Norma were the previous owners of the lawn furniture. They had placed it at the curb for collection by the waste management professionals. Maxwell, of course, is someone who recognizes a good deal when it stares him in the face.

Apparently, Maxwell was planning to use the lawn furniture in his new kitchen and livingroom.

***

A few weeks ago, Weed encountered Maxwell at the food court in the local shopping mall. This is where their respective lives overlap. Weed works in the call centre adjacent to the mall. Maxwell uses the food court as the head office for his fledgling part-time business, Cutlass Supreme Painting.

Since joining the waste management profession, Maxwell's visits to the food court are more likely to occur at the end of the work day. At least once a week, however, Weed still encounters him there during the day.

On these occasions, Maxwell is usually suffering from some waste management-related injury and claims that he is unable to perform his duties. On one specific day, he claimed that his "arthur-itis" was acting up again. According to Maxwell, experience tells him there's no point in engaging in physical labour when this happens.

Weed says Maxwell appears to be in dire need of a book on medical terminology. Recently, he told Weed that his grandfather has been suffering from forgetfulness and periods of dementia. Apparently, a doctor has diagnosed the elderly man with "Old-Timers Disease."

***

This particular meeting at the food court occurred at the end of the work day. Maxwell was at his usual table near the Chinese fast-food kiosk. He was sitting with his Cousin Doug at the time.

The Sack, of course, is heavily-populated with residents who share this same moniker. Even though Cousin Doug isn't a Sack resident, his presence in these pages could cause confusion for the reader. Thankfully, Weed learned some new information about the man that will make his identification much easier.

Firstly, Cousin Doug is actually called Dougie. Apparently, he has been known in this fashion since his diaper days. Dougie claims that he even signs his name in this way.

His full name, however, ensures that he'll never be confused with the Sack's existing roster of Dougs. Weed thinks Dougie's parents must've had a fondness for alliteration. This is because his full name is Dougie Duggan.

Oscar says it's a crying shame that Dougie Duggan isn't employed as a coal miner.

***

Dougie Duggan is Maxwell's supervisor in the waste management profession. He's the crew leader of the truck that looks after the Sack's weekly accumulation of refuse.

Prior to his own involvement in the waste management business, Dougie said he used to travel extensively throughout the Atlantic provinces in a different occupation. This subject arose when Weed and Maxwell were talking about their respective children.

Like Maxwell, Dougie Duggan has two children from different relationships. Unlike, his cousin, however, he noted that it was only a general estimate of his procreation efforts.

"Those are just the ones I know about," he said with a gap-toothed grin.

Apparently, Dougie Duggan worked in a travelling carnival for about five years.

***

Dougie also confided that he spent several years in the old town's correctional centre prior to his current gig in the waste management profession.

His incarceration was the result of a rampage through the old town's streets. At the time, the peelers were in hot pursuit. Dougie, of course, was driving a stolen car. His antics were fuelled by a nasty combination of alcohol and crack cocaine.

"The only thing I remember was getting the crap beaten out of me by the peelers," Dougie told Weed with a grin.

***

Thankfully, Dougie appears to have turned over a new leaf since emerging from the correctional centre. He no longer uses crack cocaine and will only touch the drink on a weekend.

In addition to his position in the waste management game, he also has a beautiful new girlfriend. They're expecting their first child together in September. This, of course, will be Dougie's third child, not counting any spawned during his days as a carny.

Despite his antics with the stolen vehicle, Dougie is also back behind the wheel of an automobile. Although it had to be registered in his girlfriend's name, he recently acquired a used car.

Dougie Duggan is the proud owner of a 1993 Cutlass Supreme.

***

This particular vehicle happens to be the same one Maxwell has coveted for several years. It is, of course, the namesake of his fledgling part-time business, Cutlass Supreme Painting.

The car has been circulating throughout Maxwell's extended family for some time. He's always a day late and a dollar short whenever the vehicle is offered for sale.

Dougie Duggan acquired the vehicle from another cousin in exchange for two hundred dollars and a Craftsman table saw from Sears.

Of course, Dougie doesn't expect to hold onto the Cutlass Supreme for very long. He's expecting a promotion within the ranks of the waste management profession. When this happens, he plans to purchase a new pick-up truck.

Maxwell, he assured Weed, will have first dibs on the Cutlass Supreme whenever this day comes.

***

Since our last report on his fortunes, Maxwell suffered a setback of sorts. The setback was in relation to his new one-bedroom apartment. After only two weeks of residence, he was evicted by the landlord, a friend of another cousin. Maxwell was rather vague about the reason for the eviction, but he placed the blame squarely in the lap of the lousy landlord.

Dougie Duggan, however, provided Weed with some additional detail on the matter, when Maxwell temporarily left their table in the food court. Maxwell had stepped away to order some sweet and sour chicken balls from the Chinese food kiosk.

According to Dougie, Maxwell moved into the apartment without paying the first month's rent. The landlord had agreed that Maxwell could pay the rent on the day he moved into the apartment. Somehow, Maxwell managed to evade the transaction for an entire two weeks. He had moved his collection of lawn furniture into the place and had even arranged for an illegal cable hookup. Unfortunately, Maxwell didn't have dime to his name.

Maxwell said he was staying with Dougie and his beautiful girlfriend on a temporary basis. He also said he was confident that something better would turn up.

***

Maxwell's failure to pay his apartment rent should be no surprise to Sack observers.

Despite receiving a regular pay cheque from his job as a waste management professional, Maxwell has shown a remarkable ability to squander his money.

His first cheque was quite memorably expended on a tattoo image of his son, Baby Maybe. The tattoo is quite large and is located on his back.

Dougie Duggan agreed that the tattoo resembles a drunk alien baby, rather than the delightful infant Maxwell shares with Britney Bitterman.

***

When Maxwell returned to the table, Dougie excused himself for his own visit to the Chinese food kiosk. Apparently, he had a hankering for egg rolls.

While Dougie was gone, Maxwell informed Weed about the latest positive developments in his life. Apparently, his days without a permanent address could be coming to a quick end. He and Britney Bitterman could be moving in together at any time. Britney, of course, has her own apartment with Baby Maybe. It's funded by the old town's social assistance program.

However, Maxwell said he wouldn't be moving into her apartment. Instead, they hoped to be moving, once again, into the Bitterman residence in the Sack.

***

According to Maxwell, Britney has secured a full-time job of her own. She starts next week as a cashier at the local liquor store.

The sale of alcohol in the old town's province is strictly regulated. It can only be sold in government-operated stores. These establishments tend to pay quite well in comparison to other retail outfits. Generally, one must have an inside connection to acquire a position in such places. In Britney's case, this connection was Mrs. Bitterman's brother.

Since both Maxwell and Britney are now employed, they have an opportunity to save some money for a house. By staying at the Bitterman house, Maxwell says they'll be loaded with cash in no time at all.

***

Of course, this plan was only hypothetical at the time. Mrs. Bitterman had already voiced her support for the idea. In fact, Maxwell claimed it was her idea. She's currently on a disability leave from her job. She would look after her grandson, Baby Maybe while Britney was at work.

Oscar claims that Mrs. Bitterman's disability leave has something to do with her horrible bout with menopause. I remain doubtful about this.

Mr. Bitterman, naturally, still remained as a barrier to the idea's success. According to Maxwell, Mr. Bitterman doesn't like him very much. In fact, he doesn't even like it when Maxwell enters his house.

Oscar had it on good authority that Mr. Bitterman swore that pigs would fly before he'd let Maxwell live at his home again. Maxwell has already lived there on two occasions. Both stays ended badly.

***

Last Saturday, a 1993 Cutlass Supreme rumbled into the Sack. It was filled with personal belongings. In between the various bags and boxes were the faces of Dougie Duggan, Maxwell, Britney Bitterman and, of course, Baby Maybe.

"Beware," said Oscar, as we sat on the Wonders' front step, "of low-flying pigs."

Maxwell and Britney were indeed moving into the Bitterman home once again. Dougie Duggan helped them move everything into the house. The last item to be removed from the car was a set of lawn furniture. Maxwell and his cousin, Dougie placed the set in Mr. Bitterman's garage.

Later, Maxwell would tell Weed that he's saving the lawn furniture for the future. This time, however, he has a different plan for it.

"I'm probably gonna use it in my backyard," he told Weed casually.

***

On Friday, Oscar encountered Mr. Bitterman as each was approaching their respective driveways.

The two men have enjoyed a close driveway relationship for some time. They don't spend any other social time together, of course. They don't interact under any other circumstances, except for their driveway chats. When both appear there at the same time, their relationship is automatically renewed.

Over time, Mr. Bitterman has become more comfortable with Oscar. To a certain degree, one might say that Oscar has even become Mr. Bitterman's closest confidant. Occasionally, he'll reveal detailed information to Oscar about his family's trials and tribulations.

Oscar says he's afraid that Mr. Bitterman is going to ask him for a hug one day.

***

On this particular encounter, Oscar said Mr. Bitterman's facial muscles were very taut. It looked like his fists were clenched, too.

After exchanging pleasantries, Oscar asked him how his new house guests were faring. Mr. Bitterman laughed aloud. It was, for lack of a better word, a very bitter sound.

"I gave in," he said flatly. "I couldn't fight it anymore."

"That's what I figured," Oscar replied gently.

Mr. Bitterman said that his wife and daughter lobbied hard for him to accept Maxwell into his house again. This time, they told him forcefully, Maxwell had really changed. He was working hard in the old town's waste management profession and would soon be promoted to crew leader. With Britney's job at the liquor store, the couple could save their money and possibly buy a house within a year or so.

"That's not going to happen, of course," Mr. Bitterman told Oscar with a blank look on his face.

Maxwell, he explained, was incapable of doing anything that would make such a plan successful.

"From an intellectual perspective," he said with a thin smile, "the guy is nine cents short of a dime."

***

On Sunday afternoon, your agent and Oscar sat on the Wonders' porch. We had just returned from the local coffee cathedral with a takeout order. Oscar was munching on a maple sugar donut.

Across the street, the door to the Bitterman home opened. Maxwell strolled onto the porch. He was shirtless and wore a pair of blue jeans. There was a pair of tattered slippers on his feet. On his head was his familiar Montreal Canadiens ball cap.

Maxwell gave us a nod of acknowledgement after lighting a cigarette. He coughed a few times and then spat into the bushes beside the porch. When he was finished the cigarette, he flicked it in the air. It soared in an arc and landed on the Bitterman driveway.

After stretching a few times, Maxwell walked back toward the front door. His right hand reached back and plunged down the back of his jeans. He was scratching his ass.

Oscar shook his head and said, "Flying pigs, indeed." Then he took another bite of his maple sugar donut.

***