Preemptive Strike

Florence, the Wonders' next-door-neighbour has purchased a new vehicle. She bought a Smart Car.

A number of Sack residents have congratulated Florence on her choice of an environmentally-friendly vehicle. Gordon claimed he was going to buy one as soon as the lease on his SUV expires. He acquired it about three months ago. The lease expires in about five years.

Oscar, on the other hand, was more interested in the car's size. He said it probably wouldn't be difficult to actually pick the car up and move it. As he talked about it more, he realized that we could easily play a prank on Florence. If Weed and Little Doug helped us, he said we could move the car, late at night, to a spot on the street.

I said I was suffering from a groin injury and wouldn't be able to assist in the caper.

***

And so it begins anew.

It was after two o'clock on Sunday morning. Mrs. Wonders and your agent were fast asleep. One can only assume that most Sack residents were doing the same.

Suddenly, some familiar sounds echoed through the street. A party was coming to a partial conclusion. Two noisy carloads of people were leaving at the same time.

The party, of course, was being held at Burning Manor.

***

A week ago, Dora was rushed to a hospital from Burning Manor after an unhealthy mix of alcohol and prescription drugs. Jeff Christ and his uncle, Ben found her in a stupor on her livingroom couch.

After a five-hour stay in the hospital, Dora returned to the Sack in a taxi. According to witnesses, she looked as good as new.

Ben and Jeff Christ, of course, became the first Sack residents ever to enter the bowels of Burning Manor. Before this, we had only our imaginations to rely upon.

Pressed for information on the matter, Ben said he had very little to report. "They've barely got a stick of furniture inside that place," he told me this week.

***

The livingroom, according to Ben, contained a dated, maroon-coloured couch, a narrow coffee table and two folding chairs. A floor lamp stood forlornly in one corner of the room. Dominating the rest of the space was a big-screen television. Ben estimated it to be a fifty-two-inch affair.

Most striking, Ben reported, was the complete absence of pictures, ornaments or other personal touches. Even the kitchen lacked any sense of its inhabitants. In the dining area, there was only a simple wooden table. It was surrounded by more folding chairs.

"There must've been a big sale on folding chairs down at the Wal-Mart," Ben said with a shrug.

***

Jeff Christ caught a brief glimpse of the downstairs rec room, when he went to check on the whereabouts of Dora's big, barking dog. He said the room contained a queen-sized mattress (on the floor), a number of cardboard boxes and some more folding chairs. This was also where he found the big, barking dog.

Against one wall were several dozen empty beer cases.

"It looks like they're saving them for a big trip to the recycling depot," Jeff Christ said optimistically.

***

The dispersal of guests from the Burning Manor party was unremarkable. From a historical perspective, it was simply more of the same.

There was, of course, the obligatory argument among the departing guests. This one involved two inebriated women. They were hurling threats and accusations against each other as they prepared to depart in separate cars.

"If you know what's good for you, girl, you'll keep them eyes off my man," one of the women exclaimed robustly. She was a short, squat figure in the dull glare of the street lights. There was a white baseball cap on her head.

"He got no interest in you, little girl. You just don't know it, yet," replied her rival, a tall, skinny woman with big hair.

The combatants continued with similar exchanges before cooler heads prevailed. Both were eventually persuaded to enter their respective cars. After some unnecessary blaring of car horns, silence descended upon the Sack once again.

Discussing the matter on the following day, Oscar noted that the illustrious friends of Burning Manor seem to have something in common.

"Their grammar," he said thoughtfully, is almost always atrocious."

***

In the morning, several cars remained on the street and in Burning Manor's driveway. The house was still and silent.

Early in the afternoon, a haggard-looking man in his fifties strolled outside. He lit a cigarette as he walked. The man entered a nondescript vehicle parked on the street and then promptly drove away.

On the back of his car was a bumper sticker in support of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

***

Late in the afternoon, a large, black pick-up truck motored into the Sack. It carried a queen-sized, blue mattress, some furniture and a number of boxes. The truck stopped in front of Burning Manor.

A bald, bowlegged man in his forties left the vehicle. He was thickset, with a very muscular upper body. Nevertheless, he also possessed an enormous belly.

Oscar referred to the man as "No Neck," since his muscular shoulders appeared to completely engulf his neck area. It's a rare thing, he added, to see someone whose shoulder muscles almost touch their ears.

No Neck carried two cases of beer with his beefy arms as he entered Burning Manor.

***

Several hours later, a trio of men emerged from Burning Manor. No Neck was amongst them. They began to unload the truck and carry the belongings into the house. Dora was nowhere to be seen.

The front door remained ajar, as the items were carted into the house. Naturally, the big, barking dog took advantage of this opportunity. It started to romp around the Sack with a look of joy on its face.

One of the men, a rough-looking character in his fifties, started to call out to the dog. His voice was thick and gravelly. He had the kind of voice that makes one immediately wary of a man.

The big, barking dog evaded the man for a few minutes. He tried to make a grab for the animal at one point, but only succeeded in twisting his ankle. He cursed loudly when it occurred. This prompted laughs from his fellow movers.

Eventually, the truck was emptied and somehow, the big, barking dog was persuaded to return to Burning Manor.

It was at this point that the Wonders' telephone rang. Oscar was on the line to report something that was already quite apparent. Somebody was moving in with Dirk and Dora.

***

Tuesday night bingo is an important part of Sack life.

The bingo emporium is where Norma gains intelligence on the lives of Dirk and Dora. Several of Dora's extended family and a host of her past and present enemies attend this same game of chance. Norma keeps her ears open for information. Sometimes, she'll even make casual enquiries about the fortunes of Dirk and Dora.

On this past Tuesday night, Norma was keen to learn more about the delivery of personal effects to Burning Manor. Was someone new moving in, or did these additional items simply belong to Dirk and Dora?

Thankfully, Norma successfully completed her mission.

***

There are now two new residents of Burning Manor. Dora's sister and her common-law boyfriend have moved into the house.

According to Norma, Dora's sister is named Dixie. She's in her early twenties and has dark, dishevelled hair. Like Dora, she's rather plump, but has a powerful, bulldog-like frame.

Oscar caught a glimpse of Dixie this week. He said she has a very disagreeable face. Apparently, she looks like she's in constant readiness for an argument.

"Dixie," Oscar said with authority, "is a hard-looking egg."

***

Norma said Dixie's boyfriend is a part-time longshoreman at the old town's container ship terminal. She said his name is Andre.

Oscar said Andre is tall and muscular and wears a permanent angry smirk. Even though he only caught a brief glimpse of the man, Oscar said he was quite certain about the angry smirk.

***

Dixie and Andre have brought along a new addition to the Sack's landscape. It's their car, a battered, white Ford Fiesta.

Your agent, of course, is woefully inept in the matter of automobiles. Nevertheless, even my own disinterested eye could tell the front passenger's door has been replaced.

While the rest of the car is white, the passenger's door is dark brown.

***

Gordon was irate about this latest development at Burning Manor.

Dixie and Andre, he told me on the phone, certainly looked like trouble, as far as he was concerned. And their car, he added, was certainly an eyesore. Already, he noted their propensity for parking the Ford Fiesta illegally on the street.

Gordon, of course, was instrumental in convincing the old town to install No Parking signs on one side of the Sack.

***

No one is certain about the true implications of the new residents at Burning Manor. Nevertheless, most people are anticipating an increase in shenanigans, especially as the summer unfolds.

Anything, of course, is possible. Dixie and Andre could actually be very fine people. They could even be a stabilizing influence on Burning Manor's owners, especially Dora.

It's rarely helpful to judge a book by its cover.

***

Experience, however, does suggest that additional Burning Manor mayhem will arise with the new occupants. Gordon is already talking about an emergency meeting of the dreaded Sack Resident's Society. He wants to discuss a new "Burning Manor Strategy" for the upcoming summer.

He said he has a few good ideas in mind.

Elizabeth, of course, is also upset by the additions to Burning Manor's household. She lives in the house beside Dirk and Dora.

According to Gordon, Elizabeth's husband, Phillip wants to have a word with Dirk and Dora. He wants to outline his expectations for their continued residency in the Sack.

Elizabeth says Phillip is not a man to be trifled with when he gets his dander up.

***

Phillip, of course, is actually Elizabeth's ex-husband. Recently, they reunited and he joined her in the Sack.

At the time of their separation, Phillip was experiencing a nasty gambling problem. He was also suffering from a bad case of infidelity. Elizabeth showed him the door when she discovered these matters. Their longtime home was sold and a divorce quickly followed.

That's why Elizabeth moved into the Sack on her own.

Thankfully, Phillip's ship has regained its course. He's back on an even keel. Once again, he's a God-fearing man who walks the straight and narrow path.

That's why Elizabeth allowed him back in her life.

Nevertheless, she doesn't want Phillip to undergo any undue stress. He has enough of this at his job with a local funeral home. Confronting Dirk and Dora, in Elizabeth's eyes, will only cause Phillip a lot of misery. This could imperil his recovery from gambling addiction and infidelity. She'd prefer that someone else deal with the matter.

That's why Elizabeth has voiced her strong support for Gordon's idea of a "Burning Manor Strategy."

***

Yesterday, however, Phillip had no choice but to communicate with the residents of Burning Manor. By accident, he backed his car into the Ford Fiesta.

It was parked illegally across from Elizabeth's driveway.

The Ford Fiesta didn't sustain very much damage. There was a small, softball-sized dent on its side. The damaged area was in the middle of the dark brown passenger's door.

***

The accident occurred during the day. This meant that Oscar was on hand to witness the aftermath. He had been alerted to the affair when he heard a dull thud as he was reclining on his livingroom couch.

After the accident, Phillip went to the door of Burning Manor. He was seeking the owner of the Ford Fiesta. Fortunately, Dixie was the only one home at the time. Apparently, she's unemployed at the moment.

Dixie spoke with Phillip at the door for a few minutes. Then she accompanied him to examine the damage to the car. It didn't take long before a heated argument erupted. Phillip complained about the illegally-parked car. Dixie complained about the dent.

Eventually, Philip walked away abruptly. He was using his cell-phone as moved briskly toward his car. He was calling the peelers to seek a resolution of the matter. While Phillip was otherwise engaged, Dixie quickly moved the Ford Fiesta to a legitimate parking spot.

Oscar said it was a treat to witness some daytime Sack shenanigans.

***

The peelers arrived and some lengthy discussions ensued. Oscar said more than forty-five minutes passed before the matter concluded.

Phillip was released from the scene after about thirty minutes. He returned to his car and slowly drove away. He was talking on his cell-phone as he departed. Presumably, he was on his way back to his job at the funeral home.

Dixie, on the other hand, remained with the peelers. Her arms were folded and her face was dark with anger. As she stood on the curb talking to a particular peeler, a tow truck entered the Sack. It stopped in front of the Ford Fiesta.

A second peeler approached Dora with papers in his hand. She took them without a second glance and folded them into her coat pocket.

Then the tow truck left with the Ford Fiesta.

***

No one has been able to learn anything more about this whole affair. Neither Phillip, nor Elizabeth has been available to provide a further account.

Some people are surmising that the Ford Fiesta was unregistered or lacked insurance. Others say the car was towed for both reasons. I have no idea about such things.

But this does represent the first time that Burning Manor has been on the receiving end of Sack shenanigans. It's usually the other way around.

Oscar called the minor accident a preemptive strike. He wondered if this was part of Gordon's ideas about a "Burning Manor Strategy."

"If it is," he said with a broad smile, "you can count me in."

***