Contemplating Doug

It's that time of year again.

There's a hard covering of snow on the ground. Temperatures are on the frigid side.  Festive lights adorn many Sack homes. Gordon's mechanical reindeer are prancing on his front lawn once again.

Like ants converging on a dropped Popsicle, residents of the old town are flocking to the local shopping emporium.  Weekend traffic has increased significantly.  On various corner lots along the main thoroughfares, sellers of pine and fir trees are enjoying a bustling trade.  

To the casual observer, these developments obviously suggest the onset of a particular holiday season.  But those with a more practiced eye would recognize harbingers of another significant event.

It's time to consider the winner of the Sack's annual Doug of the Year award.

***

The Doug of the Year (DOTY) award is quite unlike more recognizable honours like the Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes.  But it's not like the Employee of the Month award at your local burger joint, either.  

Firstly, no actual trophy is bestowed upon the winner.  There isn't even a plaque or fancy certificate.  Unless the news travels through the Sack's grapevine, the winner remains unaware of his victory.

Secondly, the DOTY is determined, not by a democratic voting system, but by a series of arguments.  Your agent, Weed and Oscar meet to review the individual accomplishments of the Sack's Doug population.  After hours of debate, two of us will grow tired of the discussion.  The choice of the most persistent combatant becomes the winner.

This is why Oscar's choice usually ends up winning the DOTY award.

***

The DOTY debate begins with a general review of each Doug's performance over the past year.  While noble acts are duly noted, so are contributions to Sack shenanigans.  Sometimes, a Doug's adherence to his particular character is recognized.

Big Doug, for example, is marked by his strong work ethic, snow shoveling ability and his perfect lawn.  He is a man's man.  A bit on the gruff side, Big Doug doesn't suffer fools gladly.

Little Doug is known for his charitable ways, his propensity for falling off ladders and, of course, his abject refusal to rake leaves. With his cherubic cheeks and good nature, he laughs easily, even at his own expense.  He's a shirt-off-his-back kind of fellow.

Computer Doug, on the other hand, is distinguished by his ineptitude in home maintenance matters.  He views life through a wry, weary lens.  He is a low-key kind of fellow.  As a family man, he walks in the world as if in a slight daze.  When indoors, he's prone to wearing a pair of bear-claw slippers.

Despite these characteristics, Computer Doug will always happily solve any of your computer-related problems.  All you have to do is ask.

Rental Doug is employed by Satan.  Apparently, he holds a rather senior post.  At least, that's Oscar's view on the matter. Nevertheless, Rental Doug appears to be a good neighbour and an all-round fine fellow.  He's a doting father and takes pleasure in decorating his family's rented home for every major holiday.

***

The DOTY selection process takes place in two stages.

The first stage occurs during a special indoor edition of our show. During summer, the show is normally hosted on the Wonders' front porch.  Oscar and your agent are the show's hosts.  Weed is like a recurring guest who's slowly achieving co-host status.  Oscar says Weed occupies a Paul Shaffer-like role, without, of course, any musical ability.

Normally, there are actual guests on the show.  These are other Sack residents who happen to wander by.  But if no one's around, this doesn't stop the show from being a show.  Guests are not essential.

But when DOTY deliberations begin, guests are forbidden.  The DOTY award selection is a very serious business.  Guests, Oscar argues, would only confuse the matter.

***

The task during the show is quite simple.  We conduct a thorough review of the year from a Doug perspective.  Oscar calls this "the gathering of the data." 

Although general opinions are formed during this stage, no actual decision on the award is made.  This takes place during the second stage of the DOTY award selection process.

Stage two is held following Oscar's annual Boxing Day brunch.  His kitchen table is cleared and then the real arguments begin.  By this time, Oscar has usually consumed a considerable quantity of champagne and orange juice.  This makes him both passionate and vociferous about his particular choice for the award.

This is the other reason why Oscar's choice usually wins.

***

This year's "data gathering" began on a Saturday in early December.

Much to Oscar's consternation, it was the first indoor edition of our show since the summer ended.  Your agent's frequent absence from the Sack was the primary reason for this state of affairs.  Oscar thinks my priorities are "way out of whack." He says I should feel ashamed of myself.

The show was scheduled to begin at seven-thirty in the evening. Oscar ensured that an ample supply of drink was hand.  He also brought a large box of frozen sausage rolls with him.

Oscar said he acquired the sausage rolls by sheer good fortune. After returning from the local shopping emporium, he began to put away his weekly groceries.  That's when he found the box of sausage rolls. Oscar said he hadn't placed it his cart, nor was the item listed on his bill.

"These sausage rolls were a gift from above," he told me earnestly, pointing at the ceiling.

Oscar, of course, has a strong belief in karma.  "What goes around, comes around," is his familiar refrain.  During the last year, he said he has performed a considerable number of good deeds.  Although it's bad karma to expect a reward for one's benevolence, Oscar says it's inevitable that one's account will be reconciled at some point.

"It looks like I'm being paid back in sausage rolls this time," he told me, as he placed the box in the Wonders' freezer.

***

Oscar said he would prepare the sausage rolls during "half-time" of the Doug deliberations.  By that point, he added, we would be in need of some refreshment other than drink.

We retired to the Wonders' front room.  Oscar sat down in an armchair and exhaled noisily.  He said he had been looking forward to this event all week.

"I even got my haircut for it," he said, pointing to his shorn head.

As we caught up on Sack-related news, Oscar suddenly looked at his watch.  It was now inching toward eight o'clock, almost thirty minutes past the appointed hour for the DOTY deliberations.

"Where the hell is Weed?" he asked with annoyance.

As if on cue, the Wonders' phone rang.  It was Weed.  Apparently, he was waiting for Daisy to return home.  She was out with some friends at a tanning salon and spa.  Weed had given her a gift certificate for the place on her birthday.  He said she had been gone since early afternoon. He expected her to be home within the half hour.

***

Oscar was dismayed when he heard about Weed's delay.  He couldn't believe that Daisy would still be at a tanning salon on a Saturday night.

"She'd be cooked well-done by now," he snorted.

Your agent encouraged patience in the matter.  I said Weed would be over in no time at all.  To pass the time, I turned on the television.  Hockey Night in Canada was just about to start.  This would've been my preference for the evening anyway.

The Toronto Maple Leafs were hosting Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Crosby, the latest Canadian hockey phenomenon hails from the old town.  Whenever he appears on Hockey Night in Canada, there is great interest in the matter.

Oscar said the game would be far more relevant if the kid's name was Doug Crosby.

***

At eight-thirty, the Wonders' doorbell rang.

Standing on the doorstep was Weed.  He was holding Baby Doug in his arms.  The child was bundled up like an Arctic explorer.  Oscar said the lad's heavy snowsuit made him look like a miniature version of the Michelin Man.

Weed explained that Daisy and her friends had decided to turn their spa excursion into a night out on the town.  As a result, he had no choice but to bring Baby Doug along for the DOTY deliberations.

Oscar was not amused.

***

Oscar's position on babies is well known around the Sack.  He says they rarely have anything intelligent to say and tend to move around like drunkards.  He repeated this position to Weed as Baby Doug's layers of winter gear were removed.

Weed dismissed Oscar's complaint with a wave of his hand. Technically speaking, he said Baby Doug was no longer a baby anyway.  The tyke has already begun to walk around and has a vocabulary that rivals Britney Bitterman's beau, Maxwell.

"Pshaw," said Oscar.  He watched as Baby Doug staggered toward the Wonders' couch with a soother clenched in his mouth.

"That's not walking, man," Oscar complained under his breath.

 ***

After both Baby Doug and Oscar had settled down, the DOTY deliberations began.

"Who do you want to review first?" said Oscar, after taking a gulp of drink.

"Let's start with my pride and joy," Weed replied, holding his son on his lap affectionately.

"Baby Doug?" Oscar retorted.  "You're not gonna start this again, are you?"

Last year, Weed argued that his son should win the DOTY award by virtue of his actual birth.  The Sack's other Dougs, he pointed out, could hardly match such a feat.

Oscar, of course, was vehemently opposed to Weed's reasoning.  His position was built on two pillars.  First, he argued, Baby Doug had contributed very little to his own birth, since Daisy had undergone a Caesarian section.  Secondly, he questioned the wee lad's actual eligibility for the DOTY honour.  The boy's first name is Owen, rather than Doug.  

Weed claims they chose the name Owen Douglas because he and Daisy owe so much money to the boy's grandfather, Little Doug.

***

And so the first argument of the DOTY selection process began. Oscar and Weed parried back and forth on the subject of Baby Doug's eligibility for the award.  Baby Doug had very little to say on the matter.  Finally, Oscar asked Weed a very pointed question.

"What, in the name of God, did Baby Doug do this year?"

According to Weed, Baby Doug had accomplished something quite notable.  This achievement, he said with a confident tone, couldn't be topped by the Sack's adult Dougs.

During 2007, Baby Doug learned to walk.

***

Oscar rolled his eyes as Weed described the significance of Baby Doug's achievement.

"Baby Doug doesn't walk yet," he said curtly, when Weed had finished, "he staggers."

"Doesn't matter," replied Weed quickly, "he's still upright and propelling himself forward.  The smoothness of his gait is irrelevant."

Oscar considered this for a moment and then replied, "So, big deal. The other Doug's already know how to walk.  In fact, I've even seen a few of them stagger."

"That's true," your agent interjected, "I saw Computer Doug stagger out of a taxi after that wedding he went to last month."

Weed gave me a dirty look and said, "It's not the walking I'm talking about, anyway.  I'm talking about the developmental achievement, man.  My boy learned to do something this year."

"That's true," your agent replied, "I don't think the other Dougs learned anything this year."

Oscar gave me a dirty look.

***

The debate continued for a few more minutes.  Oscar wanted to call a vote on Baby Doug's eligibility for the award.  Weed said a denial of this nature would be a clear violation of Baby Doug's Charter rights.

Meanwhile, the hapless Toronto Maple Leafs had taken an early lead on Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Thankfully, the matter was interrupted by another telephone call. Daisy, it seemed, had decided not to go out for the rest of the evening.  She was back at home and awaiting the return of Baby Doug.  It was, she told Weed sternly, time for the boy to go to bed.

Weed bundled up Baby Doug and the duo left the Wonders' house. He said he would be back in "three shakes of a lamb's tail." When the front door closed, Oscar continued to argue his position about Baby Doug's eligibility for the DOTY award.

"Besides," Oscar stated hotly, in what I hoped were his final words on the matter, "even if we accept the kid as a Doug, we can't talk about the DOTY award when there's a Doug present in the room."

"I don't think he understood anything," your agent replied.

"Exactly," Oscar retorted, "that's because he's a baby."

***

When Weed returned to the festivities, cooler heads prevailed.  

Oscar agreed that Baby Doug could be considered for the DOTY award, but raised his own personal doubt that learning to walk would be enough to receive the annual honour.  Weed nodded his agreement and said he just wanted his son to have the same rights as any other Doug.

Conversation on the Sack's other Dougs had just begun when the Wonders' doorbell rang again.  Oscar swore under his breath and muttered something about Grand Central Station.

Your agent opened the door to find Little Doug shivering on the porch.  He was carrying a six-pack of Alexander Keith's finest ale.

"I heard you guys were watching the hockey game.  Mind if I join you?"

"Come on in," I said warmly.

***

Little Doug is not a big hockey fan.  However, one of his relatives lived next door to a woman who once acted as a babysitter for Sidney Crosby.  In Little Doug's mind, he is now obligated to show his support for the young hockey player.

Such allegiances are not limited to a rising hockey star.  There are other instances where Little Doug has shown vicarious devotion to the fortunes of the famous, based on his own tenuous connections to them.  For example, he owns the entire musical catalogue of the Mamas and the Papas and a DVD set of the Theodore Tugboat children's television series.  This is because he went to the same elementary school as the late Denny Doherty.  It matters little that Little Doug attended the school decades after Doherty.      

Weed says Little Doug suffers from Kevin Bacon Syndrome.

***

Oscar could barely conceal his frustration when Little Doug walked into the Wonders' front room.  Further DOTY deliberations would be impossible as longer as a Doug was present.  Thankfully, he didn't do anything to make Little Doug feel unwelcome.

However, it didn't help that Little Doug was rooting actively for the fortunes of Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Aside from his enthusiasm for the DOTY award, Oscar is also a devoted fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs.  After the Leafs scored another goal, he cheered a little bit too loudly.  When they scored a third goal, he wondered aloud if the late Denny Doherty was playing goalie for the Penguins.

   

In the end, the Leafs dispatched the Penguins by a 4-2 score. Sidney Crosby managed only one assist.  Little Doug, however, was still happy about the matter.  He said he felt privileged to see someone on television who had been minded by his aunt's next-door neighbour.

"That doesn't happen every day, you know," he told us cheerfully.

***

Your agent encountered Oscar and Weed in the kitchen on my way back from the bathroom.  They were renewing their supply of drink. Oscar was berating Weed in a hushed tone for telling Little Doug about our gathering.  He reiterated the "No Dougs Allowed Policy" necessary in a successful discussion of the DOTY award.

Weed declared his innocence in the matter.  He said Daisy must've told her father that we were holding court at the Wonders' house.

"Well, we've gotta get him out of here soon," Oscar hissed.  "The DOTY award isn't gonna select a winner on its own, you know."

Weed nodded and headed back to the front room.  Oscar looked at your agent and rolled his eyes.  Then he followed Weed down the hallway.  I refilled my own glass and pondered Oscar's words.  It would be wonderful indeed, I said to myself, if the DOTY award could really select the winner by itself.

***

The second game on the Hockey Night in Canada doubleheader had begun when I returned to the front room.  Little Doug had turned the sound off.  Apparently, he had no connection to anyone participating in that particular game.

Oscar sat on one of the armchairs with his legs splayed.  He sipped his drink pensively for a moment and then yawned theatrically.

"I'll probably head home after this," he said, nodding at his glass.

"Me, too," replied Weed quickly.

Little Doug nodded and patted his stomach for a moment.  Then he scratched his cheek in a thoughtful fashion.  The room was silent for about fifteen seconds.  Finally, he broke the silence and said to Oscar:

"Hey, Weed told me you brought over some sausage rolls tonight.  Why don't you rustle 'em up and then we'll call it a night?"

"That's a great idea, Doug," replied Oscar lifelessly.  "I'm surprised Weed didn't bring it up himself."  

Oscar put his drink down and ambled back to the kitchen.  As he searched for the appropriate cooking implements and prepared the oven, he made an inordinate amount of noise.

The "gathering of the data" was once again in peril.

***

While the sausage rolls were heating, Oscar stayed in the kitchen. One could only imagine that he was engaged in some serious sulking.  Little Doug, clearly unaware of Oscar's darkening mood, was chatting amiably with Weed and your agent.

About twenty minutes later, Oscar emerged with a heaping plate of hot sausage rolls.  Little Doug rubbed his hands in glee.  As he carefully selected one, the Wonders' doorbell rang once again.

"Jeff Christ," said Oscar, "who could that be at this time of night?"

This time, it was Computer Doug standing on the doorstep.  He apologized for the lateness of the hour, but said he needed to speak with Little Doug immediately.  Apparently, Daisy had told him of her father's whereabouts.

"C'mon in," I said warmly.

***

Rental Doug stood in the entryway to the front room and nodded a greeting to the assembly of neighbours.  He told Little Doug that his furnace was making a terrible clanging sound.  His wife, Marion was worried that it might be a very serious matter.

"Clanging, you say?" said Oscar quickly.  "That sounds dangerous."  He looked at Little Doug and added, "You better get over there right away."

"Yeah," Weed chimed in, "clanging sounds like serious business."

Little Doug had a hot sausage roll in his mouth.  He was chewing it cautiously, while holding up his right hand.  Finally, he swallowed and said, "Naw, clanging's okay.  It's hissing you want to be worried about." 

He picked up another sausage roll and gestured toward Computer Doug.  "Grab yourself a Keith's," he said warmly, "and dig into some sausage rolls.  Then we'll go over and give it a gander."

Computer Doug shrugged and said, "Well, if you think it's okay, then I don't mind if I do."  He picked up a sausage roll and added:

"Man, I love sausage rolls."

***

Your agent headed to the kitchen to get a Keith's for Computer Doug.  Oscar was hot on my heels.

"I've learned two things today," he whispered hoarsely, holding up two fingers.  "And that's twice as much as Baby Doug learned all year.  First, these sausages are very bad karma.  I should've taken them back to the store right away."

I nodded and opened Computer Doug's beer and then poured it into a glass.

"What's the other thing you learned," I asked.

Oscar nodded toward the front room and replied, "This year's DOTY award is definitely going to be won by either Big Doug or Rental Doug."

***

NEXT WEEK:  The DOTY award deliberations finally get under way.

***