The Importance of Being Douglas

Yesterday, I encountered young Doo as he negotiated his way up the Sack's icy pavement.  He was walking with his head down.

When he neared the Wonders' driveway, I asked cheerfully, "So, what's Santa Claus bringing you for Christmas?"

Doo stopped in his tracks and gave me a quizzical look.  It seemed I had shaken him from a subterranean level of consciousness.

"Huh?" said the boy.

"I said, what's Santa gonna bring you for Christmas?"

"A rifle," he replied with great certainty.

In a tone of mock horror, I said, "A rifle?  What are you gonna do with a rifle?"

"I'm gonna shoot it," Doo replied flatly, as though your agent was a certified moron.

Visions of dead goldfinches and wounded cats were forming in my mind.  "Well, what are gonna shoot at?"

"I'm gonna shoot you!" the boy exclaimed with a hearty laugh.  The brim of his toque had partially fallen over his eyes.  This made him look slightly more impish than usual.

"Me!" I exclaimed, "What're you gonna shoot me for?"

"Because," Doo replied with a grin.  Then he added, "I'm gonna shoot you in the bum."

"In the bum?  That's not very nice." 

Doo grinned again and said, "I know!"

"It's probably going to hurt quite a lot."

"I know!" said Doo happily.

"Well, if you're going to shoot me in the bum, try to do it after the holidays are over.  I could use a little more time off work."

Doo considered this for a moment and then said, "Okay."

The boy started on his way again as I turned toward the Wonders' driveway.  It occurred to me that it probably wasn't very responsible to make light of being shot in the bum by a rifle-wielding boy.  I turned around again and called out to Doo.

"You're not really getting a rifle for Christmas, are you?"

"Nope," Doo replied, looking back at me.  "I'm not allowed."

"Good," I answered, "Guns can be dangerous."

"I know," he said, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Well, Merry Christmas anyway," I said cheerfully.

"Merry Christmas," said Doo.  

He turned around and continued toward his house.  I could hear him singing as he walked further away.  In a high, off-key voice, he was singing "Jingle Bells."

***

A comprehensive review of the Sack's Doug population was finally completed.  This, of course, was necessary for determining this year's Doug of the Year (DOTY) award.  

The review or "gathering of the data," as Oscar likes to call it, took place at the Wonders' house last weekend.  Both Oscar and Weed were in attendance, along with your agent. There were no fist fights or other shenanigans.

We just got the job done.

***

Computer Doug had an interesting year in 2007.

Last February, he was laid off from his computer-related job.  It was the first time in his adult life he had been without gainful employment.

Fortunately, Oscar was available to provide him with ongoing support, since Computer Doug had no idea how to manage his newly found free time.  Oscar, of course, is a specialist in this area. Despite drawing a full-time income while working from his home, it's unlikely if he actually puts more than a few hours a week into business-related matters.

Under Oscar's expert tutelage, Computer Doug learned how to engage in guilt-free idleness, with regular, extended luncheons in the downtown quarter.

He gained ten pounds before he started a new job in April.

***

If a period of unemployment wasn't enough for Computer Doug, a round of gum surgery certainly added insult to injury.  Although normally a rather reserved fellow, Computer Doug was keen to show other Sack residents the stitches in his mouth.

Just about everyone in the Sack caught a peek at Computer Doug's mouth stitches. As a result, he received no end of sympathy for his plight.  For several weeks, Sack residents would add, "How's your mouth doing?" to every greeting they extended to him.

While Computer Doug seemed to relish the attention and compassion arising from his gum surgery, his wife, Marion was hardly amused.  She accused him of "milking it," in order to avoid even the slightest responsibility during his recovery period.

According to Marion, her husband skillfully averted household chores, childcare duties and anything else that required an iota of physical exertion.  Computer Doug, of course, defended himself vigorously, stating that anything that created "an acceleration of blood flow" would certainly inflame the tender surgical area of his mouth.  When pressed to elaborate on the evidence for such precautions, he assured Marion that it was "a simple matter of human biology."

Oscar says Computer Doug may have learned far more during his period of unemployment than he gave the man credit for.

***

While Oscar believes that Computer Doug's ability to avoid undesired labour was the man's greatest achievement in 2007, your agent begs to differ.  An unexpected encounter with a raccoon, in my mind, was far more entertaining, even if no one witnessed the affair.

Dressed in his bathrobe and trademark bear-claw slippers, Computer Doug walked into his backyard carrying a bag of food scraps.  He was going to empty it into his compost bin.

It was early in the morning and Computer Doug said he was still half-asleep.  He opened the top of the compost bin and was immediately greeted by a youthful, yet terrified raccoon.  Apparently, the animal had somehow become trapped inside the bin overnight.

The raccoon quickly scampered away.  In his surprise, Computer Doug fell backwards and landed on his back.  The bag of food scraps, now broken, was flung several feet away.  Computer Doug was unhurt, but now fully awake.

Later, Computer Doug admitted that he was so scared that he almost suffered an involuntary bowel movement.  Weed says Computer Doug would've been an automatic choice for the DOTY award, if this had actually happened.  He could be right about this.

***

Among other things, Big Doug is known for his rather curious relationship with the word, "arse."

After careful research into the matter, it has been determined that no one has every heard him utter the word, "ass."  In every instance where a reference to the posterior must be made, Big Doug will always say, "arse."

We mention this phenomenon because Big Doug's arse played a prominent role for him during the past year.

In the first instance, Big Doug became the third Sack male in the last few years to undergo a colonoscopy.  Without any prompting at all, he was quick to declare that the procedure was a giant pain in the arse.  In fact, he was heard to state this same line on a number of occasions.

In the second instance, Big Doug's arse was on the receiving end of a direct hit from a toy missile.  Young Doo fired the weapon in question.  Although no injury was sustained, Big Doug was quick to take the boy to task.  During the ensuing lecture, the boy was informed that he would be receiving a quick kick in the arse, if he was ever again found walking about the Sack with the toy weapon.

This could be one of many reasons why Santa Claus won't be bringing Doo a rifle for Christmas.

***

While the matter was unrelated to his posterior, Big Doug suffered a significant setback last summer when a patch of his award-winning green lawn suddenly turned yellow.

Fortunately, the matter was quickly rectified by several pieces of new sod. Within days, it was impossible to tell where the lawn catastrophe had occurred.  Nevertheless, Oscar claimed that Big Doug literally fell on his arse in shock when he discovered the problem.

Your agent, of course remains doubtful about this.

In the end, Big Doug still remained as the perennial champion in the Sack's best lawn competition.  In fact, the award itself has been retired, since he has been the victor every year since the honour was established.

***

Big Doug's final two achievements had nothing to do with his arse or, for that matter, anyone else's arse.

Last spring, Big Doug went for his tenth consecutive holiday in Cuba. According to Oscar, only Fidel Castro himself is more revered in the tiny socialist island than Big Doug.  This is because of the toiletries and T-shirts he bestows upon resort workers when he arrives for his annual vacation.

Oscar claims that Big Doug is known as El Dougo amongst the local populace. Your agent remains even more doubtful about this.

Finally, it should be noted that Big Doug managed a personal best golf score during 2007.  While this should hardly entitle him to the DOTY award, his reply to Oscar's comment on the matter is certainly worth noting.  Upon hearing of Big Doug's golf achievement, Oscar said:

"You hit double digits for the first time?"

Big Doug smiled for a moment and looked down at Oscar with his piercing eyes. Then he said, with a cool, even tone:

"How'd you like to kiss my arse?"

***

Little Doug, the defending DOTY award-winner was once again prominent in 2007. Oscar made no secret of his belief that Little Doug should be a repeat winner this year.

This year marked Little Doug's first foray into the world of dating. Although the Internet was held fully responsible for delivering his ex-wife into the arms of another man, Little Doug used the same medium to meet a woman named Marcella.

In the beginning, it appeared they were a match made in heaven. Like Little Doug, Marcella drove a pick-up truck.  On the bumper of the vehicle was a sticker that read:  "I'd rather be fishing."  Little Doug has the same bumper sticker on his truck.

Sadly, the relationship went awry after Little Doug's infamous introduction to Marcella's family.  In addition to discovering the family's predilection for alcohol, he also learned that effective anger management was not among their more notable interpersonal skills. During his first introduction to Marcella's clan, a rather nasty brawl broke out at a family party.  It was so bad that someone had to call the peelers.

While Marcella did not appear to share her family's interest in alcohol, Little Doug was dismayed when she threw herself into the brawl with great enthusiasm.  In the end, he decided that it was enough to have his own dysfunctional family without adding Marcella and her family into the mix.

Little Doug continues to search the Internet for new dating partners, but so far hasn't reported any luck.

***

During the year, Little Doug continued to be the Sack's "go-to-guy" for household repairs and renovations.

Last winter, he completed some renovations at Oscar's house.  He also removed a starling's nest from Computer Doug's second-floor exhaust vent and, on several occasions, repaired his namesake's toilet.  More recently, he inspected Computer Doug's furnace and declared that a curious clanging sound was nothing to be concerned about.

The list of Little Doug's benevolence is really too long to itemize here. However, he still earned the wrath of Gordon on several occasions for his inattention to his own property.  

After a day spent working on the exterior of his own home, Little Doug took a break before he cleaned up from his labours.  He fell asleep on the couch while watching his favourite television show, Hogan's Heroes.  Meanwhile, his property was strewn with tools and garden implements.  Much to Gordon's chagrin, Little Doug's property remained in this state for some time.

Just before Gordon could summon the full power of the Sack Resident's Society to deal with the matter, Jeff Christ stepped in and miraculously saved the day.  He tidied up Little Doug's yard and turned a discarded golf bag into a folk art planter.

Weed says Jeff Christ would be a certainty for the DOTY award if only his name was Doug.  Once again, he could be right about this. 

***

If Big Doug's year was arse-themed, then Little Doug's year could be associated with seafood.

During summer, he placed the remnants of a family seafood supper in his garbage bin.  On the night before the old town's waste management professionals would arrive to empty it, the bin was attacked by a gang of marauding raccoons.

The attack took place in the wee hours of the morning. Unfortunately, a disagreement erupted amongst the raccoons and a furious fight ensued.  Almost everyone in the Sack was awakened by the matter.  Everyone agreed that it was reminiscent of the kind of shenanigans that usual occur at Burning Manor.

If the Sack was ever portrayed in cartoon animation, Weed says Dirk and Dora would be represented as raccoons.  Oscar agreed with the observation.  Then he said Weed would be played by a skunk.  Weed smirked and said Oscar's character would be a retarded monkey.

Thankfully, this was the only dispute they had during the DOTY deliberations.

***

Little Doug's other encounter with seafood concerned a suburban lobster trap.

Inexplicably, Dirk had placed the fully-functioning trap on his lawn. It was supposed to be for decorative purposes only.  At least, that was the best explanation Sack residents could muster.

Oscar wondered if Dirk was trying to catch a land lobster, a mythical creature from the deep recesses of his brain.  While this was rejected as a preposterous idea, the trap did manage to ensnare young Doo.

It was Little Doug who rescued the boy from becoming Dirk's dinner.

***

During last summer's Canada Day celebrations, the Sack hosted its first-ever street party.  Little Doug was notable for two reasons during this affair.

Somehow, it was determined that the Sack should challenge the residents of Pleasant Street to a street hockey game.  Pleasant Street, of course, is a rival cul-de-sac that's held in very low esteem by several Sack residents.  It's the home of Dan "Danny" McGraw, Oscar's boyhood nemesis.  An "arsehole" mechanic who once did a poor job repairing Big Doug's car is also a resident there.

Pleasant Street is also the home of Little Doug's boss.  Little Doug refers to the man as his "stupidvisor."

It was Little Doug's responsibility to issue the street hockey challenge to his boss. Oscar refused to have any verbal contact with Danny McGraw and Big Doug said he was liable to kick the mechanic in the arse, if he had to engage in a conversation with him.

Unfortunately, Little Doug didn't go to work in the days leading up to the Canada Day street party.  He claimed that he came down with a bad case of pink eye. Weed, however, claims there was nothing pink about his father-in-law's eye at all. He figures Little Doug just didn't want to see his "stupidvisor" on a weekend, even if it meant kicking his behind in a street hockey game.

In the end, only Sack residents played in the game.  Oscar was the referee.  He gave Little Doug a penalty for wearing black socks with shorts and white sneakers.

***

Despite his alleged connection to Satan, Rental Doug continued to be a fine fellow and a good neighbour throughout the year.

There were only two matters that brought him onto the Sack's radar during 2007. However, both matters were quite significant.

In the early part of the year, Oscar discovered something extraordinary about Rental Doug.  Most Sack residents assumed Oscar would say something quite preposterous as he began to make his announcement.  But it turned out to be something quite factual after all.

Rental Doug, it seems, is American-born.

While this would hardly be shocking to an American, it was a particular surprise to Sack residents who have lived their entire lives in the old town.  Many of them had never met an American before. Oscar noted the absence of an American accent. Big Doug, a devoted snow-shoveler, said he was impressed with Rental Doug's snow clearing acumen.  He said such talent could only have been derived from life-long residence in this country.

Little Doug was surprised because Rental Doug hadn't obtained his spouse from the Internet.  His own ex-wife ran off with a man from the great State of Maine after a brief Internet affair.  As a result, Little Doug tends to look at Americans with a bit of a jaundiced eye.

Weed, however, said he had an inkling about Rental Doug's origins. He said he had observed the man with a hockey stick in his hands while playing with his kids on their driveway.

"I was pretty sure he was from Florida when I saw that," he remarked.

***

Rental Doug's other achievement during the year concerned Burning Manor.  He became the first Sack resident to obtain multiple, detailed views of the home's interior.

The opportunity to see Burning Manor's innards arose when Dirk and Dora decided to sell their home.  Rental Doug has made several low-ball offers for the house. The fragrant couple quickly dismissed each one.

Nevertheless, Rental Doug has been present at almost every open house at Burning Manor.  He has provided Sack residents with detailed, lurid reports on the state of the house.  Despite his belief that Rental Doug is associated with Satan, Oscar begrudgingly admits the man is now the Sack's official Burning Manor correspondent.

Burning Manor, of course, remains for sale at an exorbitant price. No efforts are being expended to secure a sale, as Dirk and Dora await the expiration of the contract with their real estate agent.  Rental Doug remains very interested in purchasing the house and hopes that, even with a new agent, Dirk and Dora will throw in the towel on their current price.

***

If Burning Manor is indeed sold to Rental Doug, Oscar says we'll face our greatest naming challenge in many years.

Rental Doug, of course, will require a new moniker, if he buys a property in the Sack.  Preliminary discussions on a new name have been difficult.  Undoubtedly, there will be more terrible arguments among Oscar, Weed and your agent in developing a new name for Rental Doug.

Oscar says he's looking forward to 2008 for this very reason.

***

And so the DOTY deliberations were completed.  After Oscar's Boxing Day brunch, the winner will be determined.

Oscar says it's a shame that only one Doug can win the award.  He said he came to this conclusion yesterday after running into an acquaintance at the local shopping emporium.

The fellow said he was vaguely familiar with another man who lived in the Sack. He said the resident's name was Doug, but he couldn't remember a last name. Oscar tried to elicit a physical description of the Doug in question, but his acquaintance was rather vague about it.

"The only thing I can tell you," the man said to Oscar, "is the dude's name is Doug and he was a helluva nice guy."

***

To anyone who stumbles across these pages, I wish you and your loved ones a peaceful and joyful Christmas season. 

Cul-de-sac Blues will return in the New Year.