The Autumn of Our Discontent (Part 2)

The dour mood among some Sack residents intensified last week. The nation's most recent federal election was held on Wednesday. Computer Doug called the outcome "adding insult to injury."

The Conservative Party, of course, was re-elected to a second straight minority government. The Sack's federal riding, on the other hand, elected the social democratic candidate for the fifth consecutive time. As Ben pointed out, "the feds ain't likely to be spreading any gravy in this neck of the woods for a while."

He could be right about this.

Oscar, however, took the election result in stride. "Say what you want about Maritimers," he said firmly, "but we know how to back a loser."

In the midst of the Sack's grayish mood, Oscar's optimism was refreshing. There is something valuable in taking a positive view when life goes astray. The old "glass half full" adage isn't always easy to do, but it certainly has its merits.

Last week's election provided another example of such optimism. A Marxist-Leninist candidate stood for office in the Sack's riding. He's a man in his mid-sixties. He has been a candidate during every federal election since the seventies. In every contest, he has finished dead last. Nevertheless, he keeps showing up whenever an election is called.

That's what I call commitment, baby.

***

Gordon's new girlfriend is named Gordette. That's not her real name, of course. But it's the moniker we bestowed upon her after learning about her many similarities with Gordon.

Two weeks after Gordette backed her car into the side of Little Doug's pick-up truck, two very unusual events occurred. In the first instance, residents returned from their working day to discover two narrow, deep holes on opposite sides in the Sack's centre circle. A neon-orange pylon covered each hole, with a small pile of dirt and rocks beside each pylon. Presumably, this was the material removed when the holes were created.

"It looks like we have gophers," said Oscar on the telephone. He called as soon as your agent returned home from work.

"They must be very safety conscious gophers," I replied, referring to the pylons.

Oscar snorted. Then he relayed his knowledge of the mysterious holes in the Sack's centre circle. Apparently, a three-man crew from the old town's maintenance department arrived in the Sack at about ten o'clock in the morning. One of the men dug the holes with some kind of motorized digging implement. The other two men leaned against the truck and smoked cigarettes.

Oscar, of course, works from his home. Apparently, he's paid to do this. When the maintenance crew arrived in the Sack, he was in the midst of one of his infamous "planning sessions." This involves lying on the couch while idly surfing television channels.

After hearing the crew's arrival, Oscar ventured outside. He approached the two men as they rested comfortably against their truck. Then he inquired about the nature of their business in the Sack.

One of the men explained that they were making preparations for the erection of two new street signs. Unfortunately, he had no idea about what the signs would communicate.

"We just dig the holes," he added. He said a different crew would arrive the next day to erect the signs. Oscar told me he really appreciated the simplicity of the man's job.

Sack residents had varied opinions on the nature of the impending signs. Weed, however, had a unique idea about the matter. To ensure maximum safety, he said the signs should read: "Watch Out For Slow, Fat Kids."

***

Two days passed before the street signs were finally erected. Fortunately, Weed's prediction was incorrect. The signs read, "No Parking At Any Time." This meant that cars parked around the Sack's centre circle would now be forbidden.

This is precisely where Little Doug's truck was parked when Gordette smacked her car into it.

A number of Sack residents were immediately irritable about the new signs. These were folks who often parked their cars there. Suspicions, of course, were quickly cast upon Gordon as the possible instigator of the signs. When confronted about the matter, he denied any responsibility for it. According to Ben, Gordon also added that the Sack Resident's Society had asked the old town "a long time ago," to put up "No Parking" signs around the circle.

No one could remember if the esteemed resident's group had every discussed the subject. Nevertheless, Oscar encouraged everyone to give Gordon the benefit of the doubt. He said there was no way the Sack's Grand Poobah would ever lie to his loyal subjects.

I think he was being sarcastic.

***

While Sack residents were simmering about the new signs, the second unusual event occurred. Gordon's big Dyck election sign disappeared. This was the sign that heralded his support for a candidate in the upcoming municipal election. The candidate bears the unfortunate surname, Dyck. Mr. Dyck is competing against the current city councillor. The incumbent councillor is the one who recently told Gordon to "go pound sand."

The day after Gordon's big Dyck sign disappeared, a new sign was erected on his lawn. It wasn't as prominent as the previous one. It was just a regular-sized election sign.

Clearly, Gordon had suffered a change of heart. The new sign was in favour of the existing city councillor.

The optics of the situation did not look good for Gordon. Had he garnered the "No Parking" signs from the old town in exchange for returning his support to the city councillor? Did the two men come to some kind of nefarious settlement to their dispute?  Were the signs instigated by Gordette's collision with Little Doug's truck?

"Of course, not," said Oscar resolutely. "A Grand Poobah would never do such a thing."

***

To say the least, Sack residents were peeved about the matter. Their darkened moods soon became fertile ground for new conflicts, especially with each other. A few days after the appearance of the "No Parking" signs, two other residents found themselves in a squabble.

Young Doo was at the heart of the affair. Intrigued by the two holes in the Sack's centre circle, he became inspired to dig his own hole. The lad has been chastised on several past occasions for thinking about the circle as his own personal construction site. Sack residents prefer to view it as a community garden surrounded by a few trees and ornamental rocks.

Eight-year-old Doo, of course, is a big fan of digging. Oscar thinks the boy was born with a shovel in his hands. He could be right about this. In this particular instance, Doo dug one of the deepest holes of his young digging career. Big Doug said the boy was already halfway to China when he was apprehended.

The person who discovered Doo's activity was Elizabeth. She was ambling toward the circle as she embarked on her early evening power walk. According to Oscar, Elizabeth adopts a power walking routine every September in an effort to lose weight. By early November, however, she appears to lose interest in the activity.

When Elizabeth happened upon Doo's digging site, she stopped, stared and then placed her hands on her hips. Sack observers have noted that such body language usually means that a blood vessel is about to burst in the anger section of Elizabeth's brain.

That's exactly what occurred on this occasion.

***

Big Doug watched the meltdown with a look of amusement on his face. He was in his garage at the time. Apparently, he was cleaning his snow shovels for the upcoming winter season.

According to Big Doug, Elizabeth launched a verbal tirade at Doo, as the boy stood open-mouthed with his trusty shovel in hand. Normally, Doo would take flight at the first inkling of such trouble, but he likely didn't have time to react on this occasion.

Elizabeth, after expelling a lengthy lecture on the merits of digging only on one's own property, stood over Doo with her arms folded as he began to refill his China-bound hole. That's when Doo's mom suddenly appeared on the scene. Apparently, she had watched the entire confrontation from her front step. Big Doug said it was clear that she wasn't pleased with Elizabeth's tactics in admonishing her son.

For the second time in two weeks, a loud, verbal skirmish unfolded near the Sack's centre circle.

***

Doo's mom is quite adept at tearing a strip off her son when the situation demands it. However, she does not take kindly to others when they attempt to occupy that role. Apparently, this was the gist of her position when she confronted Elizabeth beside Doo's latest construction site.

Elizabeth, on the other hand, does not take kindly to being on the opposing end of an admonishment.  It didn't take long, therefore, for a brouhaha to unfold in the Sack's centre circle.  Both young Doo and Big Doug enjoyed ringside proximity to the affair.  Doo stood beside the half-filled hole with his mouth agape.  Big Doug remained on his driveway, resting his chin on the handle of a snow shovel.

The intensity of the finger-pointing between Elizabeth and Doo's mom left some observers (those of us watching from our front windows) wondering about the outbreak of fisticuffs.  Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and the two combatants suddenly ran out of steam.  It was a short, but spirited encounter.

The abrupt easing of tensions could've stemmed from a sudden awareness of propriety by the two women.  Your agent, however, gives some credit for the de-escalation to another factor.  At the height of the battle, a third figure suddenly emerged on the scene.  This seemed to distract the combatants.

The distraction was the arrival of Handsome Man.

***

Despite the cool evening, Handsome Man was shirtless.  He still possessed a deep summer tan.  His dark chest hair glistened with perspiration.  A closed bottle of water swished in his left hand as he jogged toward the circle.

Handsome Man barely slowed his pace as he passed the dueling Sack residents.  Nevertheless, his sudden appearance seemed to disarm them.  Elizabeth stopped in mid-tirade and gazed beyond Doo's mom's shoulder.  In response, Doo's mom turned and looked at the approaching figure.

As Handsome Man began to jog around the circle, he glanced at the two women and raised his right hand in solemn greeting.  Both returned the gesture and then stared after the swarthy jogger for a split-second.

This was just enough time for tempers to abate.

By the time Handsome Man had moved through the circle, the two women glared silently at each other for a few seconds.  Finally, Elizabeth strode swiftly away and soon resumed her power-walking gait.  Doo's mom called out to her son and bade him to follow her.  She strode down the street toward her home with Doo walking sullenly behind her, dragging his shovel along the pavement.

By this time, Handsome Man had disappeared from the Sack.

***

Next:  The Autumn of Our Discontent (Part 3):  The head-butting continues; Oscar blows his stack, Florence ditches her boyfriend and Maxwell draws more negative attention.