Weighty Matters

Where to begin after nine months of silence? If each bit of Sack news were a snowflake, there would be a small mountain of the stuff to shovel.

A short time ago, young Doo (now at the lofty age of ten) was out in the Sack's centre circle. I watched him dig aimlessly through a mound of snow. That's when it occurred to me that I should just grab a shovel and move small bits of Sack news at a time.

But where to start?

Later, gazing out at the Wonders' snow-covered back deck, the answer appeared. On the feeders, a flock of American Goldfinches was grazing on sunflower seeds.

Suddenly, the birds became a throbbing mass of inquisitive readers of your agent's past scribblings. They sang out their questions about what has transpired in the Sack over the past nine months. It was like a press conference, except with goldfinches.

"One question at a time," I said calmly, "I can only answer one at a time." The throng of birds slowly grew quiet.

"Okay, then," chirped a plump male goldfinch, "Who won the Doug of the Year award for 2009?"

***

For the first time in recent memory, there was little
debate about the Doug of the Year (DOTY) award winner. Computer Doug made it too difficult for us to ignore him.

Simply put, Computer Doug made himself larger than life during 2009. He didn't accomplish this with a sparkling résumé of accomplishments. Instead, he did it by adding about forty pounds to a frame that was already on the portly side.

Computer Doug's weight gain earned him the DOTY award for one particular reason. Throughout the year, he made frequent declarations about his devotion to a healthier diet and a more active lifestyle.

Somewhere along the way, things went awry.

***

Computer Doug spent most of the year without a job. His last few employers have shared the alarming habit of going tits up. Oscar says you should probably start looking for another job, if Computer Doug shows up at your office as a new employee. He could be right about this.

After being cast into unemployment, Computer Doug added a few extra pounds in a short period of time. He was the first to admit that it was due to inertia. However, it didn't take long for him to declare his desire for a healthier lifestyle. His first effort would be to adopt a vegetarian diet.

Computer Doug opted for a step-wise approach to change. First, he eliminated red meat from his diet. He confined his carnivorous behaviour to poultry and pork. Gradually, he would embrace a full vegetarian position. This would include a ban on fish, something he admitted he didn't like anyway.

In Computer Doug's case, however, this new diet meant consuming a lot of poultry and pork. Apparently, he developed affection for a substance called turkey bacon.

By the end of summer, it was clear that his particular brand of vegetarianism wasn't working. His weight had increased by about twenty-five pounds. In September, however, he declared war on turkey bacon. He would become a strict "daytime vegetarian." This meant no meat of any kind until supper. The only exception would be Sunday breakfast.

It has been a long-observed tradition in Computer Doug's family to have a "big fry" on Sunday mornings.

***

Computer Doug announced in October that he had secured a new job. It's outside of his field of expertise, but the job will pay the bills while he looks for something better. Fittingly, his new job is with a company in the food business. Thankfully, they're not in the turkey bacon trade.

One might expect that a return to work would have a slimming effect on Computer Doug's expanding belly. Unfortunately, his weight continued to rise despite the successful adoption of daytime vegetarianism. He said it was a clear case of overcompensation.

"By the time supper rolls around," he told me in November "I want my meat."

***

Shortly before Christmas, your agent observed
Computer Doug and another fellow as they carted
two enormous boxes into his house.

Later he would tell me that the boxes contained the makings of a new electronic treadmill. He said he and his spouse, Marion were planning to get in shape when the new year arrived.

Patting his stomach, he said he needed to get rid of his spare tire.

***

Computer Doug doesn't know about his victory in last year's DOTY contest. He's also unaware that his treadmill purchase has created a bit of wagering around the Sack.

Oscar has started a betting line on the amount of time that will pass before the treadmill is at the curb during one of the Sack's yard sales. Weed has a side wager on how long it will take before the machine is used as a clothes hanger.

However, Computer Doug has made it clear that it might be some time before any bets are settled. Your agent encountered him on his driveway last Saturday. I asked about his progress with the treadmill.

"Kinda slow actually," he replied, "I haven't had a chance to open the boxes yet."

***