Four Things About Doug

Work demands have kept us away from the blogging machine lately. A recent house guest at the Wonders' abode has slowed things down as well.

Sack news has been accumulating at a furious pace, nonetheless. If each bit of news was represented by a single tree leaf, there would be some serious raking to be done.

Eventually, of course, equilibrium will be re-established and harmony restored. Then we'll be up to date on the latest cul-de-sac news. A week of respite in Cuba will certainly help in this regard, as well.

When we do get caught up, you'll learn more about Maxwell's recent expulsion from the Bitterman home. It's the second time he has received his marching orders since moving there in January.

You'll also get the full details on Weed's new sneakers (they're bright yellow), Doo's latest street crime (spitting) and the latest missive from the Sack Resident's Society (it's awakening again).

But first, here is some Doug lore.

***

Computer Doug has never eaten a Big Mac. Not once. Not ever.

Nor has he ever consumed a Whopper or a Papa Burger. To put it plainly, Computer Doug has never eaten a hamburger from a restaurant or a fast-food place in his entire life.

This should not, however, imply that he's a health-conscious vegetarian. On the contrary, he'll just as soon eat anything else from a fast-food place, aside from the hamburger. In fact, he'll gladly eat a homemade hamburger from his own stove or barbeque.

He just won't eat what he calls "an outside hamburger."

***

Of course, Computer Doug will be the first to tell you that his position on the outside hamburger has nothing to do with a healthy diet or a rejection of popular culture.

He says he had a vague notion that he didn't like the idea of the outside hamburger when one was offered to him as a child. After that, it was never offered to him again. Over time, it became part of his family lore that he would not eat a hamburger from a restaurant of any kind.

Over the years, Computer Doug says he has simply gone along with the story without giving it much thought. He says he could probably eat an outside hamburger without any difficulty.

But as he grows closer to the age of forty, he says he really sees the whole affair as a "hamburger streak," rather than a food preference issue. People seem so impressed or dumbfounded by this lifetime abstinence that he thinks it would be a shame to give up on it now.

***

So Computer Doug has a lifetime "no outside hamburger" streak going for him.

Most people, of course, don't know this about him. Computer Doug says it doesn't come up in conversations very often. He doesn't tend to bring it up himself because he's not really the bragging type. He says he only tells people he's close to, unless, of course, the subject of hamburgers happens to come up.

Computer Doug told me about this when I ran into him at the local grocery emporium. Both of us were in the meat department at the time. Computer Doug was buying ground beef and I was buying chicken.

I don't recall bringing up the subject of hamburgers. In fact, I'm quite certain that Computer Doug brought the matter up. So I think he must feel close to me.

***

Rental Doug was the recipient of last year's Doug of the Year award.

Ever since he was announced as the winner, his profile around the Sack has been almost nonexistent. Oscar says he has seen "neither hide nor hair" of the man since January.

Rental Doug has been around, of course. He comes and goes just like anyone else. He works and spends time with his family. He doesn't make any waves and goes about his business quietly.

Naturally, Oscar sees this as mere camouflage.

As we've explained in the past, he thinks Rental Doug is in the employ of the Devil. It's only a matter of time, Oscar argues, before Rental Doug's true purpose in the Sack will be revealed.

***

Rental Doug lives in the Sack with his common-law spouse. They have a blended family; both have a child from a previous relationship. They live in the only house in the Sack not occupied by its owner.

Even if Rental Doug is on Satan's payroll, one thing is very clear. He and his spouse seem to relish their roles as parents. They decorate their home for almost every holiday and they are always the first, if not the only ones, to do so. Right now, their front window is adorned with stick-on pictures relating to Easter. There are images of yellow chicks, white rabbits and brown wicker baskets filled with colourful Easter eggs.

The Rental Doug home is the only one in the Sack to be decorated in this fashion.

***

Oscar says Rental Doug's propensity for decorating his home and making an effort to celebrate special occasions with his blended family kids is typical of someone in the Devil's organization. Whenever someone tries to imitate another person, he explained, it's common to exaggerate the characteristics of the person being studied.

Rental Doug, in Oscar's view, is being conspicuous by his goodness.

***

Big Doug was seen on Good Friday wearing a pair of neatly-pressed khaki pants.

When Big Doug is seen wearing khaki pants, you can be certain that he is going to a social function of some kind. He will likely be attending a family gathering, a work-related function or the annual banquet for either his golf or curling clubs.

Khaki pants, in the case of Big Doug, is a dead giveaway.

***

Big Doug, of course, is someone who is most comfortable in the clothing of the working man.

He's the kind of fellow who dons a pair of battered coveralls just to check the oil in his car. If there is something to be done in the midst of a rain shower, Big Doug will do it clad in an industrial-grade rain suit complete with matching boots. And if there is a particularly heavy snowfall, he'll be wearing a bright orange set of insulated coveralls while he shovels the snow from his driveway.

Most of the time, however, you'll see Big Doug in a pair of work jeans, steel-toed boots and a flannel shirt. In the warmer weather, the jeans will be replaced by denim shorts. But if there's the slightest hint of grease and grime around, Big Doug will revert back to the coveralls.

And when the pressed khaki pants come out, you know Big Doug has some socializing to do.

***

Little Doug bit his tongue the other day.

He said he did it accidently, of course. Only a crazy person, he added, would bite his own tongue on purpose.

Biting his tongue was a very painful experience, according to Little Doug. He said it had been a very long time since he had done this to himself. He hoped it would be another long time before it happened again.

Weed was with Little Doug when the tongue-biting occurred. Weed said he couldn't remember how long it had been since he had bitten his own tongue. It made him think that it would be worthwhile to keep track of such things in future. This way, Little Doug would have been able to say, "I haven't bit my tongue since March 1998."

***

Weed said it was very funny when Little Doug bit his tongue.

He didn't mean that it was funny to see Little Doug in pain, of course. He just meant that it was funny to hear what Little Doug said when he first bit his tongue.

They were sitting on the couch watching a fishing show on television. Little Doug was chewing absently on a tooth pick. They had just finished eating their dinner. Apparently, Daisy had cooked up some salmon burgers on the barbeque.

All of a sudden, Little Doug moaned, grimaced and leaned forward in his chair. Weed asked him what was wrong.

"Ah bit ma puckin' dung," Little Doug replied.

***