In the Pink

Ben and Norma returned from their trip to Cuba recently. They said they had a wonderful time.

Ben confided that he and Norma spent time on a beach where there were many topless women. He said it was the first time he had been to such a place.

Ben remarked that there were a number of older European women at the beach. Many of them, he noted, were considerably overweight. Fortunately, this did not detract, in any way, from the experience of seeing half-naked women.

"When I get the chance to see a woman's boobs," he told me quietly, "I don't discriminate."

***

"No, there isn't."

That's what Computer Doug said yesterday when I told him there was a starling's nest in his second-floor air vent.

This is the third year in a row that starlings have made a nest in his second-floor air vent. Each year, Computer Doug flatly denies its existence.

***

Anyone could quickly see that a nest existed inside the air vent. After fewer than twenty minutes of observation, you would almost certainly witness a starling as it entered the air vent, often with nesting material in its beak.

The pesky birds also make an unholy racket as they fight to squeeze through the impossibly small gaps in the air vent cover.

Each year, when the newborn starlings find their voices, one can easily hear their hungry cries.

Yet Computer Doug won't admit there's a starling's nest in his air vent.

***

Of course, Computer Doug has a very good reason for playing dumb about the nest. If the nest doesn't exist, he doesn't have to do anything about it.

Doing something about house-related things isn't something Computer Doug likes to expend energy on. So there's considerable advantage for him in maintaining the position that starlings are not living in his second-floor air vent.

It's an impressive strategy.

***

Even more impressive than Computer Doug's denial strategy was the bright, pink shirt he was wearing as he returned home from work on Wednesday. That's when we talked about the phantom starlings in his air vent.

It was very difficult to concentrate on the starling discussion without being distracted by the brilliance of his shirt.

Computer Doug told me he bought the shirt on eBay. I said this seemed like a very convenient thing to do.

***

It may not be completely accurate to describe it as simply a pink shirt. In fairness, it would be more accurate to call it a blending of two colours: the intersection where neon pink meets bright, metallic violet.

It's a shirt that quickly grabs one's attention.

***

Computer Doug is very nonchalant about buying his shirts on eBay. He talks about it as if it's the most common thing in the world.

I've never met anyone who's done this sort of thing before, except for Computer Doug. But I assume people have very good reasons for buying their shirts in this fashion.

I just can't guess what the good reason might be.

***

Weed is the proud owner of a new backscratcher.

It's purple and is made of hard plastic. There are two small hands on the business end of the backscratcher. Weed says it just does an "okay job" of scratching your back. The plastic fingers on the little hands, he explained, would have been better if they were "just a tad softer."

Our province's name is inscribed on the handle, underneath a badly imprinted image of a lobster. A sticker on the other side of the handle says it was made in Malaysia.

Weed said he bought the backscratcher at the dollar store. He said it was an impulse buy.

***

Oscar was quite taken by Weed's new backscratcher. He said it was the first time he had seen one in many years. He thinks we should buy a supply of them to distribute to resort workers when we go to Cuba next Tuesday. The U.S. trade embargo, he added, would surely have blocked the import of backscratchers into that country.

I told him I would give his idea some thought.

***

Oscar also said that Weed's purchase of the backscratcher was the most interesting thing to happen in the Sack all week.

Of course, Oscar didn't catch a glimpse of Computer Doug's pink and violet shirt. I'm not so sure he would still give the nod to Weed's backscratcher, if he'd seen the shirt.

It was a very startling shirt.

***