Talk to the Animals

Humans are not the only creatures in the Sack.

There are, of course, the various pets belonging to residents. Outside of cats and dogs, this would probably include goldfish, hamsters and guinea pigs. I can only really guess about such things.

I'm told that young Doo once owned a pet mouse. I'm also told he had it for several days before his mom found out about it. Most people are fairly certain he doesn't have it anymore.

Then there are the wild creatures that live in and around the Sack. Thankfully, there aren't any lions, tigers or bears.

There was a deer sighting once. It was laid out in the back of a pick-up truck after one of Little Doug's annual hunting trips. Sack vegetarians were appalled.

But mostly, there are birds and raccoons . . . .

***

After dinner, Mrs. Wonders and I enjoy tea and watch Bird TV.

Bird TV isn't part of the old town's digital cable service. We cancelled the service after The Sopranos ended. In fact, Bird TV isn't found on the television at all. Instead, it's found on the Wonders' back deck. The viewer sits at the kitchen table and directs his attention through the patio doors. He'll have a perfect view of the bird feeders that line the adjacent deck railing.

The action at the feeders often resembles the lobby of a busy downtown hotel. At times, guests will come and go at a frenetic pace. On other occasions, they linger for a while, though in far smaller numbers.

The most frequent visitors are from the finch family: American Goldfinches, Purple Finches, House Finches and Pine Siskins. There are also Dark-eyed Juncos, although they prefer to feed on the ground, rather than the actual feeders.

Another welcome regular is the tiny, but muscular Black-capped Chickadee. It flits about with incredible dexterity as it undulates quickly from branch to feeder and then back again. It's also very bold, as it's one of the few small birds to feed despite the presence of a larger species.

If you are very still and calm, a Black-capped Chickadee might eat directly from your hand. It's a very confident little creature.

***

If there was such a thing as reincarnation and I had to return to Earth as a bird, I would prefer to do so as a Black-capped Chickadee.

Very few people know this about me.

***

There is a pecking order on Bird TV.

Generally, the bigger the bird is, the more room it warrants on the feeder. The ill-regarded European Starling arrives in a small flock from time to time. The smaller birds must make themselves scarce.

A few pigeons also visit periodically. They'll go about their feeding business despite the presence of the starlings. Generally, they seem to stay out of each other's way.

Sometimes, both the starlings and pigeons will be chased away by either myself or Mrs. Wonders. Starlings and pigeons are not held in high esteem by people who notice birds. Apparently, there are some good reasons for this. But it still doesn't feel quite right to discriminate against them.

But we do it anyway.

***

A pair of Mourning Doves also visit the feeder. They tend to be very skittish around others, especially humans.

A Mourning Dove is really just a fancy pigeon. But they tend to be viewed as more acceptable than the more conventional Rock Pigeon.

The pigeon world, it seems, is a very complex one.

***

The undisputed king of Bird TV is the mighty Blue Jay.

The Blue Jay is bold, aggressive and even a bit cocky. It seems to be quite intelligent, as far as birds go. It's also not unusual to see a family of them hanging out together.

The other birds, regardless of size, get out of the way when the Blue Jay comes around. What a Blue Jay wants, a Blue Jay generally seems to get.

Oscar says he would like to come back to Earth as a Blue Jay, if forced to make a choice. I'm still sticking with the Chickadee.

***

On some occasions, there are visits by Downy Woodpeckers.

As development around the Sack has continued, there seem to be fewer sightings of these colourful little birds. In the past, there have been appearances by other members of the woodpecker family. On a handful of occasions over the last seven years, we've seen Hairy Woodpeckers and Northern Flickers.

Neither of these birds has been seen for some time now.

***

Another welcome guest is the Ruby-throated Hummingbird.

These tiny creatures seem to come back faithfully every year. It's important to be ready for them when they arrive in early May. Supposedly, they can remember where their feeding places are located. And they're in need of refreshment after finishing their seasonal migration.

Hummingbirds, of course, motor about in a spectacular fashion. It must be impossible for the human eye to process the speed of its wings.

***

When I was a kid, I imagined we'd be zipping about like hummingbirds in our jet packs by now. It looks like we missed that prediction about the future by a wide margin.

Computer Doug says we got stuck with camera phones, instead. He could be right about that.

***

Mrs. Wonders says she'd like to come back as a Hummingbird, if given her choice. I'm still sticking with the Chickadee.

***

There have been sightings of other birds from time to time. An Indigo Bunting once visited for a whole week. It wasn't hard to pick out amongst the others.

But usually, it's just the regulars. There haven't been any sightings of anything else beyond the regulars for some time. This could be part of a normal pattern of things. It could also be a result of continued development around the old town.

And, of course, it could have something to do with the whole environment thing.

***

Racoons are an increasingly big part of the Sack's nocturnal creatures. Oscar says they rank just below Dirk and Dora as the most annoying of this group of animals.

Gordon once called the police on a family of raccoons. He thought they were hoodlums intent on breaking into his house.

The police were quick to identify Gordon's hoodlums as mere raccoons. Gordon was miffed when they left without doing anything about them.

***

Last week, Oscar almost ran into a raccoon on the Wonder's back deck. He'd gone out there to smoke some tobacco and wasn't paying attention. He noticed the raccoon when he was only a few feet away from it. Oscar said they were both startled.

I told Oscar I wasn't responsible for the creatures that occupy my back deck. I said he should use it at his own risk.

***

Oscar said he would give some consideration to the raccoon, if he was reincarnated as the suburban animal of his choice.

The raccoon, Oscar pointed out, has thumbs. This is something that other animals tend to lack. More important, he said the raccoon is nocturnal.

"When you're a raccoon," Oscar explained, "you can sleep all day, if you want."

***

I'm still going with the Black-capped Chickadee.

***

The Silly Season

Summer arrived this week.

When it isn't raining, Sack people will be outside with increasing frequency and interaction among them will slowly hit a peak.

This means, of course, that more Sack news gets generated. It can be hard to keep up with it.

So let's get to it.

***

Daisy is now late by eight days.

Weed says childbirth will be induced on Monday, if the baby doesn't arrive sooner. He says Daisy "has had just about enough."

He also said that he learned something very important yesterday. Apparently, he has "absolutely no idea" how Daisy feels right now. She set him straight about this after she told him how she was fed up with being pregnant.

Weed had replied by saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

***

Dora's shenanigans from the other night continue to be a dominant issue around the Sack.

She made a great deal of noise as she tried to retrieve her dog at three o'clock in the morning. In the middle of this, she also growled and grumbled at almost everyone who lives in the vicinity of the Sack's centre circle.

In the end, Elizabeth called the peelers on Dora. They spent some time speaking with Dora inside Burning Manor.

Sack sources now say Dora received a ticket for allowing her dog to run free. The ticket carries a modest fine. Oscar says there is almost no chance that Dora will do anything different in the future, let alone pay the fine.

He's probably right about this.

***

Gordon is trying to convene an emergency meeting of the Sack Resident's Society. He wants to discuss the latest "Dora incident." He says we need to "develop a consistent and comprehensive strategy" for responding to any future Burning Manor shenanigans.

At least that's what his email says.

***

On an unrelated note, Elizabeth is wondering if a warranty accompanies the installation of a new lawn.

Several weeks ago, Elizabeth gave up trying to get rid of the weeds on her front lawn. She paid over seven hundred dollars to have her existing sod removed. It was replaced by a load of topsoil and then reseeded.

She made the decision to do this after Gordon found her using a chemical weed killer on her hapless lawn. She conducted the spraying under the cover of darkness. Gordon found her moving about with a flashlight.

Elizabeth had previously criticized Gordon for brazenly using chemicals on his own front lawn.

***

So Elizabeth figured she would just start all over again with a new lawn. This would also allow her to safely resume her role as the Sack's resident environmental activist.

Sadly, things aren't working out as planned.

The old lawn was filled with dandelions and other leafy weeds. After two weeks of growth, the new lawn has a number of large brown spots, a few splotches of wispy grass and, of course, a whole load of new, leafy weeds.

In other words, the new lawn hasn't taken.

***

Last week, Burning Manor received some more new sod for its front lawn.

Previously, the insurance company had only provided Dirk and Dora with about three pieces of new sod. They must have won a concession from the company, because a crew (from the restoration company that built the new house) arrived to completely resod Burning Manor's front and side lawns.

Now, even Burning Manor has a better lawn than Elizabeth.

***

From Elizabeth's perspective, there is no justice in the world.

Dirk and Dora are stumbling through life, yet have a brand new house and lawn. Elizabeth is always trying to do what's "proper," but she doesn't think it's getting her anywhere.

Of course, it's a lot more complicated than this. A brand new house and lawn may look very nice, but I can only imagine that it must be very hard to be Dirk or Dora.

Nevertheless, Elizabeth now has a new, crappy lawn, rather than an old, crappy lawn. She called the fellows who performed the work and asked them about the warranty on her new lawn. Elizabeth says they left a message for her claiming that their work should have left her with a lawn that would be the envy of any golf course. If things didn't work out that way, they said she mustn't have cared for the lawn properly. They also said there was no such thing as a warranty on newly seeded lawns.

Elizabeth told Mrs. Wonders that moving to a high-rise condominium might not be such a bad alternative after all.

***

Meanwhile, Little Doug has found a distraction as he prepares to be a grandfather for the first time.

Yesterday, he came home with a shiny, blue pick-up truck. He said he bought the vehicle from a friend who was preparing to leave the province. Apparently, he acquired it at a very modest price.

Oscar said it was "about bloody time" for Little Doug to buy a pick-up truck. He relies heavily on Little Doug for just about every significant home maintenance matter. Oscar was thinking about putting up a fence this summer, but he had no idea how Little Doug would manage to get the lumber to the Sack.

***

Finally, Computer Doug became the most recent Sack resident to jump on the exercise bandwagon. Within less than two weeks, he also became the most recent Sack resident to fall off the exercise bandwagon.

It seems that Computer Doug was becoming concerned about his increasing girth. He said he knew he had to do something when a button popped on his favourite shirt on two consecutive days. Both buttons were in the vicinity of his belly-button.

Computer Doug buys his shirts on eBay. He claims this virtually guarantees that no one else in the old town will have the same shirt as him. I think he could be right about this.

The down side of buying one's shirts on eBay, according to Little Doug, is that it's very hard to find an exact replacement for one's favourite shirt. He said he tried to locate an exact replica of his favourite shirt, but to no avail.

So he had no choice but to lose some weight.

***

Computer Doug is not, by his own admission, the sporting type.

He considered taking up a new sport, as a means of losing weight, but said he couldn't find anything he liked. Finally, he settled on jogging as the simplest way to drop a few pounds.

He said he started to jog every day about two weeks ago. After the first week, he said he was starting to feel like he was ready to commit to it as his new form of exercise. This, he explained, meant that he needed to purchase some appropriate running apparel. He bought a new pair of running shoes from a local running-oriented sporting goods store. The clothing, he bought through eBay.

The clothing arrived late last week. Computer Doug wore the shiny yellow shirt and a pair of light-weight black shorts for the first time yesterday.

***

When Computer Doug returned from jogging yesterday, he said he noticed something very disturbing.

When he looked at himself in his bathroom mirror, he noticed two red splotches on his bright-yellow shirt. Each splotch was located over one of Computer Doug's nipples. Closer investigation revealed that his nipples were bleeding.

Computer Doug had caught himself a bad case of jogger's nipple. I suppose one should more properly state that he had two bad cases of jogger's nipple.

***

Jogger's nipple, according to Computer Doug is very painful.

He says he didn't notice anything until he saw the blood on his shirt. Apparently, his nipples were numb until he removed his shirt. Then it hurt like heck.

So Computer Doug says he's going to take a break from jogging for a while. He said he was starting to get bored with it, anyway.

On the positive side, he says the injury has given him a new appreciation for his nipples. Until now, Computer Doug said he hadn't given his nipples a second thought. He knew they were there under his shirt, but he said he just didn't pay much attention to them.

Computer Doug says his nipple awareness is now at an all-time high.

***

Both Oscar and Little Doug have previously embarked on their own ill-fated fitness plans.

Oscar, of course, was engaged in Man Boobs Be Gone, a heroic effort to reduce the size of his growing breasts. Little Doug "got stuck with diabetes" and had to make a few lifestyle changes. Both of them tried to develop their own walking regimes, but neither had much success.

Oscar's walks ended at the local coffee cathedral, where he indulged in more calories than he burned from the walk. Little Doug started going on lengthy walks around the old town. Daisy complained because he expected her to pick him up from wherever the walk ended. Eventually, he just started walking to the local coffee cathedral, too.

***

Computer Doug told me about his nipple woes during a brief chat near the Sack's centre circle.

He had just returned from the local coffee cathedral with Oscar and Little Doug. Little Doug drove them in his new pick-up truck.

They were going to walk, he explained, but Little Doug wanted them to get a feel for his new truck. Computer Doug said he was happy to oblige.

Apparently, his nipples are much better, now.

***

Sticks and Stones

Little Doug and I arrived home from work at exactly the same time yesterday. We pulled into our respective driveways in perfect unison. Our car doors opened as if remotely connected to each other. In this brief, but precise moment, our lives were exactly parallel to each other. When the car doors closed, they made a single, dull thud.

Synchronicity had been achieved.

I mentioned this to Little Doug. He gave me a quick, puzzled look and started to laugh. Then he changed the subject.

Little Doug told me he bought a big, plastic dustpan at the dollar store during his lunch hour. He said it was exactly what he needed for his garage. Apparently his previous dustpan was accidently thrown away.

Little Doug retrieved a bag from the back of his car. He removed a big, plastic dustpan. It was black and shiny. There was a sharp, sturdy rubber lip on its business end. Little Doug says this is exactly what you want in a dustpan.

Twice, Little Doug mentioned that he only paid a dollar for it. Only once did I remind him that everything at the dollar store is sold for a dollar.

The most important thing is that Little Doug was thrilled with his purchase of the dustpan. He said it was the "absolute highlight" of his day.

I said I was glad that something good had happened to him. "Thank you," he replied. Then he started to laugh again.

***

An almost-forgotten part of the Sack's summer soundtrack was replayed the other day.

It was almost three o'clock in the morning. A light fog had descended and the wind had vanished. It was quiet and still in the Sack. Weed says you can actually hear the sound of gentle snoring, the occasional sleepy cough or even a boisterous fart, if you walk through the Sack at this time of day. He could be right about this.

But the Sack's early morning stupor would be shattered on this day. It would be disturbed by an angry, snarling female voice. And it would be the voice of Dora, the baroness of Burning Manor.

She was trying to convince her big, barking and bored dog to come home.

***

Dirk and Dora had two dogs at the original Burning Manor.

First, there was the big, barking and bored dog. It was soon joined by a small, energetic brown dog.

Oscar named the little one, Doggy Baun. This was in honour of Bobby Baun, a hockey player from the 1960's. He scored the winning goal when the Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup in 1962. He accomplished this despite a broken ankle.

Doggy Baun was hit by a car when he lived at the old Burning Manor. He always looked very heroic as he limped about with his permanently-damaged front leg.

***

Unfortunately, Doggy Baun hasn't returned to the new Burning Manor with Dirk and Dora. No one knows what happened to the little dog.

Hopefully, he's enjoying his dog life in a comfortable, happy home.

***

Dirk and Dora are avid patrons of one of the old town's less savoury drinking establishments. It's where they spend many of their evenings (and mornings).

When Dirk and Dora returned home in the wee hours to the old Burning Manor, the dogs would invariably escape when the front door opened. It was almost always Dirk's job to retrieve them. This was only mildly disturbing for Sack residents.

Occasionally, however, the task of catching the dogs would fall to Dora. She was well known for using a raucous daytime voice as she tried to corral the dogs during the early morning hours. She wouldn't even make an attempt to act as if she cared about bothering Sack residents.

She would just call out to the dogs with an angry, persistent growl. It was an alarming way to be roused from one's sleep.

***

On this most recent morning, Dora was returning from the tavern on her own. Apparently, Dirk is working out of town for the next few weeks.

Dora returned to Burning Manor in a taxi. It wasn't hard to tell where she had been. She made a great deal of noise as she paid the driver and released herself from the back seat. Then she walked stiffly toward her front door.

She opened the door, oblivious to the canine escape artist who lurked inside. The big, barking and bored dog flew past her into the street. Dora continued into the house. It looked like she hadn't even noticed the dog.

***

Elizabeth, of course, witnessed this scene as it unfolded. She had been awakened by the taxi's arrival.

After several minutes inside the house, Dora must have realized that the dog was missing. She spent the next twenty minutes wandering through the Sack and calling out to the dog in a way that only Dora can.

She sounded like an angry, drunken auctioneer.

***

Dora started wandering onto other properties in search of the dog. Eventually, she found her way to Big Doug's place. She was actually walking on his grass.

Inside the house, Big Doug's big dog started barking with great fervour. For some reason, this seemed to annoy Dora. She started to hurl loud and nasty insults at Big Doug's dog.

No one can say how Big Doug's dog felt about Dora's verbal attack. The animal seemed to keep barking with the same frenetic pace. It wasn't hard, however, to figure out how Big Doug felt about the matter.

***

Big Doug's booming voice rained down from his upstairs bedroom window. It wouldn't be appropriate to repeat his exact words. One can only say that it involved shutting up and getting off his grass.

Dora reacted to Big Doug as if he was just another barking dog. She called him some rather derogatory names and made some shutting up suggestions of her own.

***

Suddenly, a third voice joined the fray.

It was Little Doug. He was standing in his front window. He was quite irate with Dora for causing such a racket. He told Dora that his daughter, Daisy was going to give birth any day now. He said she didn't need to be disturbed by such shenanigans.

Dora told Little Doug to shut his "cake hole."

***

Little Doug did not like Dora's response at all. Using the same colourful language as Big Doug, he suggested that she shut up and go home. He also told her to get off Big Doug's lawn.

That's when Daisy poked her head out of the upstairs bedroom window. She had awoken to the sound of her father's angry voice. She suggested in a very stern, but loving fashion, that Little Doug should shut up and go back to bed.

That's when Dora told Daisy to do some shutting up of her own.

***

Before Daisy could reply, a chorus of angry voices sang out. The discerning ear could pick out simultaneous retorts from Big Doug, Little Doug and, for the first time, the voices of both Oscar and Gordon. In the background, one could also hear the persistent barking of Big Doug's dog and the big, barking and bored dog from Burning Manor.

The human voices demanded that Dora shut up and go home. I've no idea what the dogs were going on about.

It was, to say the least, a grand moment in suburban living.

***

I watched this scene from our bedroom window. The headboard is against the window ledge. I can look out the window while resting my chin on the top of the headboard. It's not the most comfortable vantage point, but it will have to do.

Dora started ranting at everyone. Everyone kept telling her to shut up and go home. I started laughing and almost bit my tongue. This is one of the risks in resting your chin on a headboard.

I haven't bit my tongue for some time. You might even say I have a bit of a streak going.

No one could hear my laughter, anyway. Everyone was too busy telling each other to shut up.

***

I had to go to the bathroom quite badly during all of this. But I didn't want to miss anything.

Eventually, however, I had to go. I was starting to get a pain in my bladder. Apparently, this is not a good way to maintain optimum bladder health.

***

Thankfully, I didn't miss anything.

Dora was still calling out for the dog even has she hurled insults at her Sack neighbours. Somehow, she finally managed to coax it back onto the street. She was just about to lead it into the house when a peeler car entered the Sack.

Elizabeth had called the police on Dora.

***

Two peelers actually helped Dora bring the dog back into Burning Manor. Then they went inside with her.

Oscar, the two Dougs and Gordon continued to have a conversation from their respective windows. Mostly they were ranting to each other about Dora's audacity.

Eventually, their conversation ran out of steam. They exhausted the supply of adjectives available to describe Dora to each other. It wasn't long before they were repeating themselves.

That's when Little Doug asked Oscar if he had watched the hockey game on Monday night. The Edmonton Oilers lost their chance to win the Stanley Cup.

It was now well after three o'clock in the morning. Their discussion was being held as each stood in front of a window screen, facing each from across the street.

Before a minute passed, Daisy poked her head through the unscreened top window and called out to Little Doug and Oscar. She said if they wanted to talk so badly they should pick up the phone and do it. If not, she said they should both shut up and go to bed.

So that's what they did.

***

The peelers were inside Burning Manor for about half an hour.

When they left, Dora even walked out on the porch with them. It was clear they were very well acquainted with her. Oscar says a friend of his works as a peeler man. The friend says Dora is a "frequent flyer." I'm not sure if I want to know more about this.

Dora stood on the porch for a moment and watched them go. She seemed like she was much calmer than earlier. The Sack was quiet again, but a cool wind was filtering through the air. I was still watching from our top window. Everyone else had gone back to bed.

Arms folded, Dora took one last look around the Sack. It was dark, but the defiance in her face was still tangible. Then she turned around and walked into the house.

That's when the big, barking and bored dog went bolting past her again.

***

This time Dora did her dog corralling in pantomime.

She strode about in a half-run, gesturing frantically at the dog. The dog walked closer to her a few times, but then backed away when Dora moved in too quickly.

You could tell Dora was going to burst if she didn't start yelling out to the dog.

Fortunately, the dog suddenly came directly to Dora and allowed itself to be taken into the house. The show, at least for this night, was finally over.

***

Back at the Wonders' window, my bladder was getting full again. I think I'm drinking too much water, too late in the day.

Our digital cable was removed the other day. Already, this decision has paid off. I was solidly entertained for over an hour. There was drama, humour and excitement.

Of course, I didn't watch much digital cable at three o'clock in the morning. That's definitely a negative aspect of the whole affair. At least with television, you can always tape something and watch it later.

And it certainly would be a wonderful thing to tape such shenanigans while you're asleep. After a restful night, I could watch Dora's performance at my leisure. I could stop and start the tape with a remote, too.

My bladder would thank me for it.

***

Rival Factions

Rain continues to plague the old town. Sack people seem to be coping with this in different ways.

Oscar says the rain is costing him dearly. Apparently, his suntan from Cuba is almost gone. Ben and Norma tried rather unsuccessfully to do some gardening in the rain. Norma wore a yellow, strapless sou'wester as they tried to plant some annuals. It was promptly blown from her head by a gust of wind.

Computer Doug was seen trying to shepherd his two young boys into the family car. Apparently, he had exhausted all known ways of keeping them occupied in the house. He decided to take them for a drive in the rain. He said he had no choice in the matter.

Big Doug seems to look out his window on the hour. It looks like he's contemplating the fate of his grass. He appreciates the rain. But he's worried about getting too much of a good thing.

Weather reports suggest a few days of sunny respite after tomorrow, before the rain returns. A recent story in The Daily Snooze suggested that it could actually rain for most of the summer.

If this is true, it will be difficult for some of the Sack's residents to hold on to their sunny dispositions.

***

It will be only a matter of days before Daisy and Weed welcome their newborn child.

Although they aren't even close to having enough money to buy their own home, they've been looking at houses nonetheless. Weed says him and Daisy saw a place they really liked the other day. Apparently it's only a ten minute walk from the Sack, too.

The house is on Pleasant Street.

***

Several weeks ago, we learned about the case of a stolen trampoline on Pleasant Street. That was the first time the street appeared on the Sack's radar screen.

When it came up on that first occasion, it was clear that Oscar didn't think highly of Pleasant Street. So when Weed mentioned it this time, he decided to tell us the reason for his low opinion of the place.

Pleasant Street, it seems, is where Oscar's nemesis lives.

***

Oscar went to high school with a guy named Danny. They shared many of the same classes. For various lengths of time, both of them worked part-time at the local Canadian Tire store. They also competed in the same sports, although almost always on opposite teams.

While both were in their late teens and at different times, each dated the same young woman. Oscar dated her first, for about three months. Then she went out with Danny for about six months.

Today, both Oscar and Danny have their own families.

Danny is now known by the more mature sounding, Dan. He has a seven-year-old daughter and a son who is the same age as Oscar's boy, Dorian. Oscar says Dorian even competes against Danny's kid in hockey, soccer and basketball.

While the two men are employed in different occupations, both work in the same industry today. Not surprisingly, they work for competing companies.

Oscar says he and Dan have never been friends, even though their lives have overlapped so often. Without any particular reason, he claims that he and Danny (he won't call him Dan) have just never liked each other. When they encounter each other around the old town, Oscar says they just nod and glare at each other for a few seconds.

The ill feelings are generational, too. According to Oscar, his mother had a minor dispute with Danny's mother many years ago. He thinks the negative feelings "drifted down by osmosis" from there.

Oscar said he really hoped Weed wouldn't move to Pleasant Street. He says it's plagued by bad karma.

***

Just like the Sack, Pleasant Street is a nondescript place.

It's a small connecting street between two equally small streets. It might hold about twelves houses in total. The houses are older and smaller than those in the Sack. But they stand on much larger lots. Mrs. Wonders says some houses have mature, well-maintained gardens.

All things considered, one would likely find it to be a pleasant place to live.

***

But Pleasant Street was also the site of a trampoline theft. As we've heard, it's also home to Danny, Oscar's lifelong nemesis.

And then there is Little Doug's beef with Pleasant Street.

Apparently, it's where his boss lives. Little Doug doesn't have many positive things to say about his boss. He actually referred to the man as a "dickweed."

I've never understood what that word meant.

***

As it turns out, Gordon isn't a fan of Pleasant Street, either.

Apparently, property taxes there are lower than those in the Sack. Gordon says the street is about four minutes closer to the old town's downtown quarter. And, of course, it has those bigger lots. Gordon didn't hesitate to raise this issue at a meeting held last fall by the local city councillor. He made specific mention of the disparity in property taxes between the Sack and Pleasant Street.

The next day, the self-described head of Pleasant Street's resident's committee called Gordon to complain about the matter. He said Gordon was just trying to make things worse for everyone else.

Gordon said he tried to set the man straight, but to no avail. The upstart from Pleasant Street apparently hung up the phone on the grand poobah of the Sack's Resident's Society.

Sometimes, it seems there is no end to conflict in the world.

***

Weed says there is virtually no chance he and Daisy could buy the place on Pleasant Street, anyway. He said it's very unlikely they could get enough money together for the down payment right now. The house would also need some repairs after they purchased it.

Nevertheless, he also agreed that Pleasant Street sounded like a "shifty" place to live, despite its otherwise attractive exterior. He said it made sense to him that Gordon, Oscar and Little Doug would want to keep an eye on Pleasant Street and its shifty inhabitants.

That's why, he argued, he and Daisy would be prepared to live in the house on Pleasant Street as spies. If everyone wanted to chip in on the down payment and initial repairs, he said they'd be prepared to suffer among the Sack's greatest rival and report back at every opportunity.

Little Doug said there was no way he'd put his own flesh and blood through a stint on Pleasant Street. Oscar said it makes more sense to simply keep one's distance from the place. Gordon thought it was actually a good idea, but felt the money should come from Little Doug.

In the end, it seemed clear that Weed and Daisy won't be moving to Pleasant Street any time soon.

However, the whole discussion about Pleasant Street turned out to be a very helpful thing, according to Oscar. He says it has made it easier to cope with the rain. This will be very useful, he pointed out, if The Daily Snooze is right and it rains all summer.

We'll be able to remind ourselves, Oscar noted, that when it's raining in the Sack, "You know it's raining on Pleasant Street, too."

***

These Things Can Happen

With one exception, it has now rained every day in the old town since the first of June.

So it's a good time to sort through a grab bag of recent Sack news.

***

Britney Bitterman has been blessed with a bouncing baby boy.

Oddly enough, this news came from Big Doug. Apparently, his wife is good friends with someone who works at the old town's maternity hospital. According to the friend, Britney had the baby on Tuesday afternoon.

When asked about the baby's name, Big Doug said he wasn't completely certain. But if he heard correctly, he thinks the baby's given name is Earl.

Oscar was quick to point out that wee Earl was born on 06/06/06. I am sure this was just a coincidence.

***

As Computer Doug predicted, Dirk and Dora's return last week was only the prelude to their actual moving date.

On Wednesday night, a U-Haul truck appeared in front of Burning Manor. Dirk and a few of his charming friends stumbled out of the vehicle and began to unload it. It was about ten o'clock in the evening.

It was also pouring rain at the time.

Elizabeth took great joy in watching Dirk and his pals struggle with wet furniture and boxes. She claimed that she did a rain dance in her living room as soon as the truck motored into the Sack. Although it was still raining at the time, Elizabeth said it started to rain even harder after she performed her dance.

I think this was probably a coincidence, too.

***

After a period of relative calm, two more broken tree branches lie in the Sack's centre circle.

The first one was broken by a friend of Dorian, Oscar's thirteen-year-old son. The boys were shooting hoops on Oscar's driveway. After sinking a shot, the friend leapt with great exuberance onto one of the circle's ornamental rocks. Then he tried to swing off the rock using the nearest tree branch. It was one of the thicker branches, so it made a loud crack when it broke. That's what got Gordon's attention to the matter.

Gordon went out to investigate. Dorian's friend is well over six feet tall and probably weighs close to one hundred and ninety pounds. He's only thirteen-years-old, according to Dorian.

Gordon accepted the boy's apology. Then he told the kid not to worry about it.

***

Nobody witnessed the damage to the second branch. Young Doo, of course, was seen in the area immediately after the branch was discovered.

This would not be a coincidence.

***

Little Doug has been making himself scarce lately.

According to Weed, this has nothing to do with the old town's inclement weather. Instead, Little Doug has been keeping a low profile because of his teeth.

Earlier in the week, Weed and Daisy noticed that Little Doug had been keeping to himself and didn't have much to say. Finally, Daisy asked him if there was anything wrong. After her father responded in a mumbling, garbled fashion, Daisy suddenly realized that Little Doug wasn't wearing his upper dental plate.

Little Doug was a bit evasive at first about the whereabouts of his upper plate. Finally, he admitted that he simply hadn't been able to find it for several days. He said he knew it was in the house somewhere, but had yet to run across it. Little Doug also said he was determined to locate it, because he didn't want to pay for a new one.

Daisy and Weed helped Little Doug look through the entire house, but they still couldn't find his upper dental plate.

***

According to Little Doug, he left it in his bathroom before he went to bed last Monday night. The next day, it was nowhere to be found.

Weed says Little Doug looks like he has eaten too many "knuckle sandwiches" when he isn't wearing his upper dental plate. He also says Little Doug talks like he has "marbles in his mouth" without them.

***

By the end of the week, it seemed clear that Little Doug's upper plate would not be found. Daisy told her father he would have to make arrangements to get a new one, whether he liked the idea or not.

It was at this point that Little Doug admitted that there might be one more place to look before giving up on his old dental plate. Apparently, the toilet in Little Doug's bathroom suddenly became clogged on Thursday. Even a plunger has been unsuccessful in loosening whatever is blocking the toilet. Now he's planning to dismantle the toilet completely on the weekend.

Apparently, Little Doug leaves his dental plate on top of the toilet tank each night before he goes to bed.

Weed says the clogged toilet and Little Doug's missing top plate cannot be a coincidence. I would have to agree.

***

Turn of the Century

The days are getting longer.

Sack kids are outside with increasing regularity. Their shrill voices and the dense thud of a basketball seem ever present. The occasional drone of a lawn mower has also returned. High-pitched bird songs are back too, especially behind homes that provide feeders.

The Sack's summer soundtrack is playing again.

***

I sat on the front step earlier this week. It was a sunny, promising day. It was good enough for shorts.

Sack kids were enjoying a day off school. Apparently, it was a professional development day for many of the old town's teachers. I had taken the day off work. There is such a thing as feeling too well to go to work.

Most Sack kids were outside. As I sat on the porch with a cup of coffee, many of them passed by. I saw Dorian, Oscar's boy, ride by on a bike. He was wearing one of those newfangled bike helmets. From a distance he looked like Darth Vader, if, of course, Darth Vader was prone to riding a mountain bike.

Rental Doug's kids shuffled down the street. The longer they've lived here, the less snarky they seem. But don't kid yourself, they're still snarky.

***

Young Doo ambled by with a wheelbarrow.

He was heading toward the vacant lot that lies behind one side of the Sack. There was a shovel sitting in the wheelbarrow. It looked like he had digging on his mind.

I couldn't recall if his stepdad, Sticky owns a wheelbarrow. I thought he borrowed mine a few weeks ago, but I couldn't be sure. For a brief moment, I thought about asking Doo about the wheelbarrow. But then I remembered it was my day off.

Besides, sometimes it's not a good idea to poke your nose into Doo's business.

***

Then Tremayne strode confidently up the Wonders' driveway.

If it's possible to imagine a six-year-old gangsta, one would have some idea about Tremayne's appearance. He was wearing a red do-rag. A blue plastic handgun was stuck strategically down the waistband of his baggy little jeans.

I'm told that Tremayne watches a lot of music videos.

***

As usual, Tremayne was selling chocolate bars for his brother, Jimbo.

Apparently, Jimbo's class is planning a trip "somewheres." Tremayne isn't even trying to play up the charitable aspect of the chocolate bars anymore. For him, it's all about the chocolate, man.

After selling me a chocolate bar, Tremayne asked, "Guess what?"

I told him I had no idea. "Take a guess," he replied.

"I give up," I said flatly. I don't like spending time guessing about things on my day off.

Tremayne smiled and then said with pride, "I can count to a hundred."

"No way, man," I said with exaggerated disbelief.

"I can, too. Wanna hear?"

Before I could reply, Tremayne launched into a breathless count. As he passed fifty, he sounded like he was having an asthma attack. But as he moved into the eighties, his voice slowed and a look of triumph emerged on his face.

When Tremayne finally hit one hundred, he called out the number with immense pride. Almost breathless again, he looked at me with the smile of someone who has just accomplished something very important.

Then he asked, "Want me to do it again?"

***

Counting to one hundred is a grand achievement for kids of a certain age.

Calling out "One hundred!" is akin to pumping one's arm in the air after scoring a critical goal or a game-breaking touchdown.

Of course, it's not long before kids realize that it really isn't that significant. Once they start learning arithmetic and mathematics, counting to one hundred isn't very impressive at all. In fact, learning to count is merely an early prerequisite before we can really start learning about numbers.

After all, you have to learn the alphabet before you can learn to spell.

***

Nevertheless, Tremayne's counting proficiency is still something to be celebrated.

I congratulated him on his success and shared my newly purchased chocolate bar with him. Something tells me this was Tremayne's hope when he shared his counting prowess with me in the first place.

After finishing the chocolate, he toddled off toward the vacant lot. Tremayne doesn't hang out with young Doo very often, but a wheelbarrow and shovel must've been too good for him to pass up.

***

Yesterday, Oscar told me that Elizabeth had gone "toe-to-toe" with Dora.

Apparently, some friends of Burning Manor had flicked cigarette butts on Elizabeth's lawn while they milled about on Dirk and Dora's driveway. Elizabeth wasn't home at the time, but someone told her about it. For Elizabeth, this was the final straw.

According to Oscar, Elizabeth knocked on the front door of Burning Manor and let loose on Dora. Dirk, I'm told, wasn't home at the time.

Oscar said a lot of finger-waving and spittle was exchanged as Elizabeth unleashed a long litany of complaints about Dirk, Dora and their charming circle of friends. Dora responded in the manner she knows best. She swore at Elizabeth and said she could have made "a hundred complaints" about other people in the Sack, but she knows how to "mind her own business."

That's when Elizabeth told Dora, "You couldn't even count to one hundred, never mind have something to complain about around here."

Dora slammed the door in Elizabeth's face.

***

It remains unclear whether Dora slammed the door out of anger or because she really can't count to one hundred.

If it was the latter, I think I know someone who could help her.

***

Many Happy Returns

Two hundred and eighty-nine days ago, Burning Manor was set on fire in an act of arson.

It only seems like yesterday.

***

But now a new chapter has begun.

Dirk and Dora finally made their long awaited return to the Sack yesterday. The street was abuzz from afternoon until night. It was, as Oscar described it, a most predictable return.

***

At about three o'clock in the afternoon, a familiar blue car drove into the Sack. It contained Dirk, Dora and a young red-haired woman. The young woman is rumoured to be Dora's niece, the same person who was the apparent target of the fire last August.

Dora and her niece proceeded into the house. Dirk stayed behind to unload some things from the car. He made three trips between the car and the house. During each trip, Dirk carried a large case of beer into the house.

***

About thirty minutes later, Dirk left the house. He was back within the hour accompanied by two men who were easily recognizable as friends of Burning Manor.

One of the men was the spitting image of the aging rocker, David Crosby (from the years immediately preceding his liver transplant).

Dirk and his two buddies each carried another case of beer into the house. The man who looked like David Crosby (before the liver transplant) wore a yellow T-shirt with the following inscription:

One Tequila.

Two Tequila.

Three Tequila.

Floor.

All Oscar would say after the men when into the house was, "Aw, crap."

***

Later in the evening, another car arrived at Burning Manor. It carried two more friends and two more cases of beer. Approximately one hundred and ninety-two bottles of beer had now entered Burning Manor within a six-hour period.

In fairness, it is common to have beer available during a move. Yet, throughout the day, no one in the Sack saw a stick of furniture or a single cardboard box show up at the house.

Computer Doug lives next door to Burning Manor. He is savvy to the ways and means of Dirk and Dora's parties. He thinks we're merely witnessing the "pre-move celebrations," rather than the actual move.

Unfortunately, he's probably right about this.

***

Reactions to the return of Dirk and Dora have been consistent and predictable.

Most people simply stopped what they were doing and gaped as they observed the steady parade of beer-carrying friends into Burning Manor. Oscar said it was the same look people have when they drive by a minor car accident.

***

The strongest reaction, of course, came from Elizabeth.

By all accounts, she was already at her limit of rage, before Dirk and Dora returned. But something happened to inch her ire into previously uncharted territory.

Earlier in the day, a van from the old town's cable company arrived at Burning Manor. Apparently, Dirk and Dora's television and telephone services were being installed. Shortly after the van departed, Elizabeth tried to use her telephone. The line, according to Elizabeth, was "dead as a doornail."

Elizabeth believes that the cable company somehow disconnected her telephone when they connected Burning Manor's. She came to the Wonders' house and called the cable company. She gave them a very large piece of her mind. She demanded that her phone be repaired immediately. The cable company would only promise to come today and set things right.

Oscar says Elizabeth should be careful when she's giving people a piece of her mind. He thinks she's getting perilously close to having none of it left.

I think he could be right about this.

***

So the next chapter begins in the life of Burning Manor.

The weekend weather is expected to be rainy. This should put a damper on any outdoor Burning Manor shenanigans for the moment.

Some Sack residents are wringing their hands with worry about what Dirk and Dora have in store for us. This is hardly surprising when an act of arson occurs on your street.

For the moment, I'm keeping an optimistic view of the whole affair. Firstly, it's not often that one gets front row seats to anything. And we actually have front row seats for the whole season of Burning Manor shenanigans.

Secondly, from an entertainment perspective, the return of the Burning Manor show is quite timely. The last episode of The Sopranos is scheduled for this weekend and we'll be getting rid of our digital cable.

And we don't have to pay the cable company anything to watch Burning Manor.

***