Desperados

Suburban life can be mundane and predictable. Daily routines cast a broad shadow over our lives.

But if you step away from a place like the Sack, even for a short period, something very interesting happens. Shenanigan outbreaks occur with alarming frequency.

It's a paradox, man.

***

After my recent cross-country venture, I met Oscar for a quick jaunt to the local coffee cathedral. He was going to enlighten me about any Sack business that transpired during my absence.

As we stood at the counter, I asked for a small coffee. Oscar quickly intervened. "I think you better give him a large," he said to the coffee matron.

"But I want a small one," I said to him with surprise.

"I know," Oscar replied evenly, "but you're going to need a large."

"Why?"

"Because I've got lots of news. This is going to take some time."

"Oh. Good stuff?"

Oscar bowed his forehead solemnly. "Oh, yes," he replied. Then he nodded again to the coffee matron.

***

After settling at our table, Oscar looked at me squarely and said, "Peelers. And frequently."

"In the Sack? I asked.

"Thrice," Oscar replied, holding up three fingers.

"Very cool," I said. "Tell me more."

***

Metaphorically speaking, it appears that Burning Manor has been reignited.

For a considerable period, the bane of Sack residents' lives had been very quiet. Dirk had settled into a quiet existence. And there were compelling rumours that Dora had moved out.

Of course, this is the Sack we're writing about. Things are rarely as simple as they seem. This is particularly true in the case of Burning Manor.

This is because Dora, it seems, is on the lam.

***

According to Oscar, two peeler cars arrived in front of Burning Manor on a quiet Tuesday afternoon. Two of the peelers were in uniform, while the others wore plainclothes. Oscar started to sing the refrain from Elvis Costello's Watching the Detectives.

"What was the deal?" I asked.

Apparently, sources at Norma's Tuesday night bingo report that Dora failed to appear for a court date about three weeks ago. A sentencing hearing was supposed to occur.

Dora, according to bingo sources, had recently been found guilty of an assault dating back before the Burning Manor fire. There were no details of the affair, but it was rumoured to be a tavern-related confrontation with another woman.

Norma said there was only an outside possibility that Dora would've gone to jail for the offense.

***

The peelers, of course, take these matters very seriously.

"Hence the detectives," Oscar said, stating the obvious.

Norma also said the peelers believe that Dirk knows of Dora's whereabouts. Apparently, the peelers "grilled him good" and threatened to charge him if their beliefs were confirmed at a later date.

Dirk, however, remained steadfast in his denials.

***

Oscar took a breath from his story and sipped his coffee. Then he took a bite from his maple sugar donut.

That's when Weed appeared at the table. He was carrying an extra-large double-double and his customary donut. He was also wearing his typical winter headgear, a pair of earmuffs and a pork pie hat.

"Did you tell him about Dora being on the lam?" he asked Oscar, folding himself onto a chair. Oscar nodded.

Weed shook his head and smiled. "Isn't that the coolest thing you've ever heard? She's on the lam, man!" Then he took an enthusiastic bite of his own maple sugar donut.

***

Weed, of course, thinks it would be a fantastic life experience to be on the lam.

"Think about it," he said excitedly, "everybody's born off the lam. You gotta mess things up pretty good to get on it. Statistically speaking, being on the lam is pretty rare."

"I hadn't given it that much thought before," I replied.

"That's exactly what Little Doug said, too," Weed answered. Then he took another bite of his maple sugar donut.

"But what if you were on the lam? Wouldn't it be exciting? Every day would be a challenge just to hold on to your freedom."

"You'd get to watch a lot of TV, that's for sure," Oscar interjected. "You'd have to hunker down for a while." He seemed to be warming up to Weed's point on the matter.

"No way," Weed said emphatically, "I'd go out every day on purpose. I'd have to be on my toes all the time."

"And that," he added, waving the remaining piece of his donut, "would be the exciting part."

"Getting caught would suck, though," Oscar replied, looking thoughtful.

Weed nodded his agreement and looked pensive for a moment. Then he popped the rest of the donut into his mouth. He licked some maple sugar from his thumb and said:

"See, that's the big problem with the lam. You have to break the law before you can get on it."

"True enough," Oscar said with a sigh. "That's the drawback."

Weed looked thoughtful again and then said, "But being on the lam would still be pretty cool, wouldn't it?"

Yes, it would be very cool, indeed, to be on the lam.

***

The Sack's second peeler visit during your agent's absence occurred at the Bitterman residence. At first, Oscar thought it was related to another of Britney Bitterman's classic meltdowns.

But Maxwell was the actual subject of the peeler visit. It was in reference to his recent possession of a certain 1993 Cutlass Supreme.

This vehicle, of course, is the focal point of Maxwell's fledgling business, Cutlass Supreme Painting. Last month, he took temporary ownership of it, while his cousin, the vehicle's owner, languished in the old town's correctional centre. At the time, Maxwell claimed to have full permission from his cousin to use it.

This, it turns out, wasn't exactly true.

***

The background story on this affair was provided to Weed by his girlfriend, Daisy. She garnered the details directly from Maxwell's sweetheart, Britney Bitterman.

It seems that Maxwell talked his way into using the car during a visit with his aunt. She expected him to use her absent son's car for a few days and then promptly return it.

Unfortunately, Maxwell parked the car illegally beside the Sack's centre circle. Someone called the peelers, who promptly arranged for it to be towed away. Unbeknownst to Maxwell, the "someone" was actually his prospective father-in-law, Mr. Bitterman.

Maxwell, lacking the financial resources, simply walked away from the whole affair. He made no effort to locate the car nor seek its return. He also failed to contact his aunt about the loss of the car. As Weed described it, "the dude just pretended it never happened."

***

Last week, of course, his cousin was released from jail. An unopened letter from the peelers was waiting at home for him. The letter apprised him of his car's whereabouts and the cost of its recovery.

His mother was quick to report that Maxwell had borrowed the car and failed to return it. In an effort to escape the impound fees, he told the peelers that Maxwell had taken the car without his permission.

Now the peelers would like a word with Maxwell.

***

Maxwell, of course, wasn't at the Bitterman home when the peelers arrived.

"So, Maxwell's on the lam, too? I asked.

"No," Weed replied, "Maxwell lacks the capacity to be on the lam."

Then he explained that he had seen Maxwell at the local mall's food court almost every day since the peeler visit. Weed works in a call centre located in the office building adjacent to the mall.

Maxwell told him the peeler visit was all part of a great misunderstanding. He claimed the matter was being resolved by an intermediary. Apparently, another cousin's friend is close with one of the old town's finest. Without a doubt, this person will be setting the matter straight on his behalf.

In the meantime, Maxwell said he has several "heavy duty" painting gigs that will almost certainly be happening over the next few weeks.

As a result, Weed says Maxwell is going about his business as if nothing was wrong.

***

"So, Maxwell has the chance to be on the lam," Oscar interrupted, "but he won't take the opportunity."

"That's right," Weed replied. "What a waste of a lam."

***

Elizabeth's house was the focus of the final peeler visit.

According to Oscar, two fifteen-year-old knobs had been climbing her back fence as a shortcut on their route from school. Elizabeth caught them red-handed last week. She told Oscar she gave the boys "proper heck."

Oscar said he had it on good authority that the boys hailed from Pleasant Street. Weed, however, vehemently disagreed. He said his sources were quiet certain that the boys came from a different local street.

Oscar and Weed argued this point for a few minutes. Finally, Oscar gave up and said:

"Well, it's still exactly what one of those Pleasant Street buggers would do if you gave them the chance."

***

Either way, the boys didn't take kindly to Elizabeth's dose of "proper heck."

Several days later, she was horrified to discover a derogatory word spray-painted in black letters on her fence. The word apparently expressed the boy's feelings about her character.

According to the semi-literate boys, Elizabeth is a bich.

"These were kids," Oscar said dryly, "who weren't exactly hooked on phonics."

Naturally, the peelers were called and a full report was taken. According to Oscar, the boys haven't been identified and remain at large.

***

"So, the boys are on the lam, too," I said.

"Technically speaking, no," said Weed with authority. "You can only be on the lam if you know the peelers are looking for you."

"I see," I replied.

Weed continued, "Plus, you have to be an adult to be on the lam."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. The lam has rules, man. Just don't ask me why."

"Okay," I replied, "I won't."

***

We sat in silence for a moment. Oscar was staring into his coffee cup. This usually means he's thinking about something.

I broke the silence and said, "Assault, failure to appear, car theft and mischief. That's a lot of action in a few weeks."

"And don't forget being on the lam. That's a new charge all by itself," said Weed.

"Okay," I replied, "but it's still a lot of shenanigans."

"You bet, answered Weed. "It's a dangerous world out there."

"True enough," Oscar added, standing up to brush maple sugar from his pants.

"So, who wants another donut?"

***