Delayed Reaction

Young Doo returned from his camping trip on Prince Edward Island this week. His reappearance in the Sack was notable because of an event that occurred during his absence.

Since the end of the school year, Doo had been constructing an underground fort on the vacant lot adjacent to the Sack. This required a considerable amount of single-minded digging on his part.

When he left for his camping trip, Doo had accomplished as much digging as one might expect from an eight-year-old boy. Nevertheless, the resulting hole in the ground had considerable depth after almost four weeks. Oscar says Doo's progress was testimony to the success of the vast amounts of "kid dope" the boy ingests to combat an attention deficit disorder.

Your agent, of course, remains doubtful about Oscar's assessment. Young Doo, in my opinion, is simply a big fan of digging.

***

While Doo was away, a great catastrophe befell his work-in-progress. A bright yellow bulldozer completely cleared the vacant lot in preparation for the construction of Serenity Terrace. The site where the underground fort was taking shape was demolished. Not a single trace of Doo's project remains.

Sack observers have been anticipating a volcanic-like eruption from young Doo when he discovered this atrocity. Oscar said the boy's expected reaction was on the top of his "most anticipated events list" for this week.

"There's absolutely nothing on television at this time of year, anyway," he said, explaining his interest in the matter.

***

Weed had another reason for anticipating Doo's response to the destruction of his underground fort. He said he has been quietly conducting a psychological analysis of the boy for some time now.

"This will certainly add some depth to my research," he told me with a professorial tone.

Weed, of course, completed several psychology courses during university. Recently, he found one of his old textbooks. He said he has started reading it for the very first time.

According to his preliminary data, Weed says young Doo's impulse control remains underdeveloped. While temper tantrums can be expected during childhood and adolescence, he thinks Doo is still on the downside of the development curve in this area.

"That's why the kid goes ga-ga when he gets mad," Weed explained.

Doo, of course, has always been notable for his rage when the world fails to meet his expectations. When he was five-years-old, he provided Sack residents with great entertainment during his attempts to master the operation of a two-wheeled bicycle.

For an entire week, he wobbled and crashed around the Sack's centre circle. Each unsuccessful venture was followed by a violent attack on the tiny purple and yellow bike. Kicks and punches reigned down on the hapless little vehicle. This was usually followed by a vicious shower of saliva. One of his last outbursts, prior to achieving lasting success, involved an attack with a ball peen hammer. Only the intervention of Little Doug prevented permanent damage to his bicycle.

In addition to his digging proficiency, there is general agreement in the Sack that young Doo is very good at raging when he's upset about something.

***

Incredibly, Doo scarcely gave the matter of the underground fort a second thought when he returned from camping. He was aware of the matter, but he barely gave the vacant lot a glance. His mind, it appeared, was preoccupied by something else.

Since his departure for Prince Edward Island, Doo had acquired a spectacular, bazooka-like, toy weapon. It was yellow and orange and appeared to be made of plastic. It could fire three red, sponge-like missiles with great velocity.

The massive gun had clearly captured Doo's attention and energy. He paid no heed at all to the remains of his underground fort.

***

When Doo emerged from his home on the day following his return from Prince Edward Island, he did so like a Special Forces commando. With the massive weapon cradled in his arms, he walked down his driveway as if expecting an attempt on his life and liberty. At the same time, it was clear that he was preparing to launch an offensive, regardless of the enemy's intentions. The boy was, as Oscar described it, in full attack mode.

Thankfully, no one, save for the distance eyes of Oscar, Weed and your agent, gave the lad a second glance. That's why Doo began shooting his mini-missiles at as many inanimate objects as he could lay his eyes upon.

Throughout the afternoon, Doo fired countless rounds of ammunition. He shot at the overhead power lines and he shot at the protruding ends of parked cars. He hit the large, ornamental rocks in the Sack's centre circle and fired at the basketball net in front of Oscar's house for more than thirty minutes alone.

Once, he sent a missile soaring into the trees in the centre circle. It landed in the treetops and remained lodged in some branches. After several furious attempts to dislodge it by shaking the tree, Doo finally freed it with the use of a hockey stick.

***

A number of Doo's volleys landed on the property of other Sack residents. One particular shot hit the front of Little Doug's house, only inches below his front window. On several occasions, an errant missile landed in the Wonders' front garden. Mrs. Wonders would've sent the lad packing if she had witnessed this. Your agent, of course, was fully aware of these incursions.

Fortunately for Doo, it's not my practice to interfere when Sack shenanigans are unfolding.

***

Quite a few of Doo's shots landed on Gordon's property. He was at home at the time, but remained unaware of the matter.

Oscar hoped Gordon would discover the infringement on his property, as well as Doo's monstrous weapon. The resulting confrontation, he said, would be, at the very least, mildly entertaining.

A demoralizing run of wet weather has plagued the old town for several weeks. If the frequency of Sack shenanigans doesn't increase soon, Oscar says he'll have no choice but to order digital cable to satisfy his entertainment needs.

***

Thankfully, Oscar's hopes were soon partially fulfilled. Doo finally hit a target that responded in a defensive fashion. It was his first strike on an animated object.

He accidently struck Big Doug in the arse with one of his soft, rubber missiles.

The exact location of Doo's missile strike was a matter of controversy. It was Oscar's opinion that it hit Big Doug in the arse. Weed and your agent said it was more accurate to describe the location as the back of Big Doug's lower thigh.

Oscar, of course, is rather prone to embellishment.

***

Big Doug was cutting his grass at the time of the attack. In the case of his particular lawn, this is a solemn, if not holy event. When you have the best lawn in the Western Hemisphere, this should be no surprise.

Oscar says even newborn babies could sleep on Big Doug's lawn and find some therapeutic benefit from the experience.

"It's like lying in the lap of an angel," he told me once.

Oscar's knowledge of the matter is derived from direct experience. Several years ago, he actually lay down on Big Doug's lawn. He made certain, of course, to remove his shoes first. At the time, Big Doug and his wife were on a holiday in Ontario.

Oscar said he didn't know what inspired him to lie down on Big Doug's lawn. He described it as more of a primal instinct than anything else.

***

Big Doug was deeply involved in the process of attending to his lawn, when Doo's missile hit him in the arse (or, if you prefer, in the lower thigh).

One can only imagine it would be unconscionable to poke the arm of Leonardo da Vinci while he painted Mona Lisa. This would also be true in the matter of Big Doug while he's in the act of lawn maintenance.

Since the missile landed with only a light poke, it surprised Big Doug more than it inflicted any physical pain. He wheeled around like someone had just forcefully accused him of being a lazy and irresponsible man.

It took Doo far too long to realize that he had incurred Big Doug's wrath. He was busy admiring the wondrous trajectory of his shot. Before he could react, Big Doug was looming above him with a wide, menacing shadow.

***

Doo remained frozen in place as Big Doug unleashed a very stern and intimidating rebuke. During the tirade, Big Doug was very expressive. He pointed at Doo and his weapon several times. Then he motioned toward Doo's house.

Weed said Big Doug was likely telling Doo to take his little arse home. Once there, he should make sure the missile launcher never saw the light of day again. Oscar, on the other hand, figured Big Doug was simply estimating the distance he would kick Doo's arse, if the boy ever dared to bring the weapon near his house again.

Either way, Doo was soon released from Big Doug's custody. The lad turned around and with the weapon slung over his shoulder in a defeated manner, he marched forlornly toward his house.

"Show's over," said Oscar curtly. "Let's go for an iced cappuccino."

***

On the way to the local coffee cathedral, we discussed young Doo's encounter with Big Doug and his failure to react to the destruction of his underground fort.

Weed was perplexed by Doo's failure to make a hasty exit after firing a missile into Big Doug's arse. According to his psychological profile, Weed said Doo should've been halfway to his house before the missile came anywhere near the big man's bottom.

"When you have poor impulse control, you shouldn't just stand there when you've done something wrong," he explained. "You should be hightailing it right away."

Oscar, on the other hand, thought the kid dope was responsible for Doo's lack of attention to Big Doug's approach. He said Doo can only focus on one thing at a time because of the medication. The boy should have been able to watch the progress of the missile and consider the consequences of the trajectory all at the same time.

"The kid dope has robbed him of the ability to multitask," he explained thoughtfully.

I have no idea about any of this.

***

But everyone agreed it was surprising that Doo failed to react to the destruction of his underground fort. Oscar said the matter was destined to take first spot on his list of most disappointing events during the last week. At the same time, he admitted a small degree of pleasure in witnessing the missile attack on Big Doug's arse.

"Beggars can't be choosers, I suppose," he said with a philosophical tone.

As we walked on the gravel path leading from the Sack to the local coffee cathedral, we passed the construction site of Serenity Terrace. Since the bulldozer flattened the land, further progress has been swift. A modified trailer has been dropped at the entrance to the site. It has a door and a large window on one side. Apparently, the trailer will serve as the sales centre for the new development. When we walked by, a fellow was putting the finishing touches on some pressure-treated wood stairs leading into the trailer's door.

In addition to the trailer, a line of wooden stakes has marked out the shape of the new cul-de-sac for the first time. Already, the foundations on the east side of the street have been excavated. These are only about three feet deep. Oscar tells me this is because of the thick rock under large portions of the old town.

One of the foundations used to be the site of Doo's underground fort.

***

We walked back toward the Sack with our iced cappuccinos in hand. Oscar had already finished his drink by the time we walked past Serenity Terrace again. He likes the stuff so much he tends to drink it almost immediately.

Oscar had just indicated his desire to return to the coffee cathedral for a second iced cap, when Weed suddenly pointed toward the construction site. Following his finger, I could see the head and shoulders of someone emerge from one of the foundations.

In the figure's arms was a yellow and red missile launcher.

Doo was in the second foundation closest to the trailer. He was pointing his weapon at the structure. Suddenly, one of the soft, rubber missiles flew through the air. It landed harmlessly on the ground outside the trailer. A second shot landed on the newly-constructed stairs.

Doo's final shot hit the window of the Serenity Terrace sales centre squarely in the middle.

The window didn't break, but we could hear the sound of the missile's impact even from our distant vantage point. Young Doo paused for a moment and then stood to his full height. Then he raised the weapon over his head like a conquering hero. Oscar said he heard a whoop of pleasure, but I didn't hear a thing.

As noted, Oscar is prone to embellishment.

***

Doo scrambled out of the foundation. He was planning to retrieve his arsenal of missiles from their landing spots in front of the trailer.

Suddenly, however, the door of the trailer opened. The fellow who had been erecting the wooden stairs emerged with obvious anger. This time, unlike his encounter with Big Doug, Doo was immediately aware of the gravity of the situation.

He sprinted across the Serenity Terrace construction site toward the safety of the Sack. The missile launcher was clasped to his chest. The fellow from the trailer didn't try to pursue the boy. He walked outside the trailer and picked up the spent missiles. He examined them for a few seconds and then returned to the trailer.

He took the missiles with him.

***

Your agent and Weed returned to the Sack, while Oscar went back to the coffee cathedral for a second iced cappuccino. Young Doo was no where to be seen.

Weed said Doo's delayed revenge on Serenity Terrace had given him much food for thought. His theory about the boy's poor impulse control was now in tatters.

"The missiles he fired in the Sack were merely practice shots for his eventual attack on Serenity Terrace," he said thoughtfully. "He knew he was ready for the main assault when he hit Big Doug in the arse."

Then he added, "You can't be that calculating and have poor impulse control."

***

After reclining on the Wonders' porch for about twenty minutes, we saw Oscar returning from the coffee cathedral. Instead of holding his second cup of iced cappuccino, he was carrying Doo's arsenal of soft-rubber missiles.

On his way back from the coffee cathedral, he knocked on the door of the sales centre trailer and spoke with the fellow inside. As a peace offering, he even brought a coffee for the man. Oscar explained the rationale behind Doo's attack on Serenity Terrace and the fellow was gracious enough to laugh about it.

Oscar said he would bring the missiles over to Doo's house later and convince the boy to suspend hostilities against the forces who destroyed his underground fort. He was confident the boy would see the wisdom in a peace agreement, since his missiles had been safely returned.

Weed and your agent praised Oscar for his mediation in the matter. Oscar bashfully waved off the compliments and said he only had gratitude on his mind.

"I've been thoroughly entertained this afternoon," he explained. "Just think of the money I'm saving by not getting digital cable."

***