Mrs. Wonders tells me a young couple viewed the house along with a real estate agent on Wednesday. There was also an open house last Sunday, but Sack observers reported only a moderate flow of traffic.
Some believe the asking price for the house is too dear. Conservative estimates suggest the price is more than thirty thousand dollars above the property's actual value.
Others, however, believe a particular photo on a real estate website is dissuading potential buyers from making any serious offers. In the photo, a pair of white underpants has been abandoned on the floor of Burning Manor's main bathroom. While a pair of discarded underpants isn't going to ruin a house, Weed says it suggests bad karma to any prospective buyers.
"Karma counts, man," he said matter-of-factly.
One can only assume the undergarment belongs to Dirk, since it appears to be a man-sized variety. However, Oscar believes the underwear actually belongs to Dora. He says Dirk is most definitely a fellow who would be partial to bikini briefs.
I have no idea about any of this.
***
Sack residents remained curious about the couple's decision to sell Burning Manor. Fortunately, Norma was able to gather some intelligence on the matter during her most recent attendance at Tuesday night bingo.
According to someone connected to Dora's turbulent social circle, the decision to sell was based on financial necessity. Apparently, Dirk and Dora have amassed considerable debt since their home was rebuilt following the infamous Burning Manor fire.
While insurance covered the basic reconstruction of the house, Dirk still incurred significant out-of-pocket expenses in re-establishing their residency in the Sack. Dirk, of course, bore this responsibility alone, since Dora's lifestyle doesn't seem to leave much room for such annoyances as full-time employment.
Norma reported that Dirk's wallet was also lightened by Dora's legal fees after her unsuccessful period on the lam earlier this year. Dora, of course, incurred the wrath of the old town's criminal justice system after assaulting another woman at a local tavern a few years ago. While only a stern warning and a period of probation were expected in the matter, Dora failed to appear for her sentencing hearing. After a short period on the lam, she was ultimately apprehended by the peelers and a further charge was added.
According to Norma, Dirk had to spend "a chunk of change" to keep Dora "out of the hoosegow."
***
Dirk's financial health, according to Tuesday night bingo sources, was also weakened by another of Dora's misadventures.
Since returning to the new Burning Manor, Dora made some effort to reduce her proclivity for partying. Sadly, she reinvested this energy into online gambling. Her success with this endeavour followed the same pattern as her time on the lam. After some initial good fortune, she hit a quick, downward slide. According to Norma, Dora lost several thousand dollars alone during one of Dirk's recent three-week work furloughs on a north Atlantic oil rig.
Apparently, this recent loss was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
***
Last May, Dora's sister, Dixie moved into Burning Manor along with her partner, Andre. The couple brought along their multicoloured, unregistered and uninsured Ford Fiesta to add some further depth to the Sack's landscape.
According to Norma's informant, this arrangement was expected to meet the needs of both parties. Dixie and Andre needed a place to stay, while Dirk and Dora would benefit from some much-needed additional income.
Sadly, this proved to be an ill-fated idea. The move established a reunion between Dora and her sister after several years of estrangement. Apparently, it wasn't long before the scabs covering some old wounds were torn asunder. Dixie and her sister quickly reverted to past form and couldn't stand to be under the same roof. It didn't help that Andre couldn't hold a job even if his life depended on it.
Dixie, Andre and their multicoloured Ford Fiesta left the Sack permanently back in late June.
***
Last Sunday's open house at Burning Manor was still notable despite its sparse attendance. The majority of visitors were Sack residents.
The first notable visitor was Gordon. As the grand poobah of the Sack Resident's Society, he said it was his duty to keep himself abreast of all property transactions in the cul-de-sac. Beyond simple curiosity, however, he couldn't give any particular reason why he needed to view the interior of Burning Manor with his own eyes.
Oscar believes Gordon's sole purpose in attending the open house concerned the discarded white underpants on the floor of the main bathroom. He said Gordon wanted to see if the underpants were still there. Oscar admitted that he had given thought to doing the same thing, but, in the end, he lacked the required audacity.
Gordon, he explained, is genetically bereft of the ability to recognize the audacity of his own actions.
***
Thankfully, the white underpants were gone during Gordon's tour of Burning Manor. He did, however, notice an abandoned black bra in the downstairs recreation room.
According to Gordon, the bra was located within the wall of beer cases stored in the rec room. He was looking around this particular room when he noticed some black material peeking out from between two beer cases. His curiosity lead him to remove the item. He said he was standing in the rec room with the bra in his hands when the real estate agent arrived behind him.
Gordon said he quickly explained how he had discovered the bra among the beer cases. He said the agent understood the situation perfectly and had no illusions of any perversion on his part.
Nevertheless, Gordon admitted that even in his wildest dreams he didn't imagine he would be inside Burning Manor while holding one of Dora's bras.
***
Elizabeth also attended the open house. "Pure spite" was the reason she gave for taking a tour of the "belly of the beast."
As the next-door neighbour to Burning Manor, Elizabeth has endured countless moments of conflict, outrage and frustration. As a result, she attended the open house like a conquering victor who observes the ruined remains of her enemy's territory.
Aside from the look of triumph on her face following her visit, Elizabeth had little to say about her first in-depth look at Burning Manor. Her only comment concerned the wall of beer cases in the downstairs rec room.
"If they took all those bottles back to the recycling depot," she said with a sarcastic tone, "they might not be in such a financial pickle."
***
The remaining Sack resident who attended the Burning Manor open house had far more than idle curiosity on his mind. This particular visitor actually admitted some interest in purchasing the home. This news prompted Oscar to call for an emergency edition of the talk show hosted on the Wonders' front porch.
Rental Doug, it seems, is giving serious consideration to the idea of purchasing Burning Manor.
Gordon encountered Rental Doug while the latter was making his exit from the open house. Rental Doug had viewed the property on his own, since his wife and the rest of their blended family were away for a few days. He told Gordon he plans to take another look at the house when his wife returns this week.
The current asking price for the house, Rental Doug added, is far above their budget. But he was hopeful Dirk and Dora could be persuaded to accept a more reasonable offer.
***
The prospect of Rental Doug becoming a property-owning resident of the Sack was welcomed by everyone who learned of the matter. This, of course, was no surprise. All things considered, Rental Doug and his blended family have been very good neighbours in every regard.
Oscar, of course, believes Rental Doug is actually in the employ of Satan. When the time is right, he thinks Rental Doug will play a senior role when the forces of darkness are unleashed on the old town's unsuspecting populace.
The complete absence of any bonafide evidence to support this theory has hardly been a barrier for Oscar.
"I can't prove it's true," he replies to disbelievers, "but you can't prove it ain't true, either."
I have no idea about any of this.
***
Surprisingly, Oscar had no objection to the possibility that Rental Doug might purchase Burning Manor. In fact, he said he supported the idea entirely.
"Better the devil you know," he said, "than the devil you don't."
Weed thought the idea was a good one, too. He said the discarded underpants might give Burning Manor bad karma, but this would hardly be a concern for someone in Satan's employ.
"Devils don't give a damn about bad karma," he said calmly.
***
Oscar's main reason for holding an emergency edition of our talk show concerned the status of Rental Doug's current moniker. If Rental Doug became a property owner in the Sack, he explained, his name would become redundant. As a matter of contingency, Oscar felt we needed to come up with a new name for Rental Doug as quickly as possible.
"We don't want to be caught with our pants down," he exclaimed to Weed and your agent.
The application of names, of course, is a serious business in the Sack. This is particularly true when it comes to the Sack's enormous Doug population. If we were unable to distinguish Rental Doug from the others (Big, Little, Computer, Baby, former resident, Doug That Moved and, of course, Maxwell's cousin, Dougie Duggan), Oscar is certain that "all hell would break loose" around the cul-de-sac.
***
The emergency edition of our show took place on Friday night. It was a calm, muggy evening. A thick layer of fog had descended on the old town. This added a rather surreal element to the show's proceedings.
Over the course of several hours, countless alternative names for Rental Doug were identified and then dismissed. A consensus among Oscar, Weed and your agent proved illusive.
Owner Doug was rejected as too bland. American Doug and Mainely Doug were proposed in homage to Rental Doug's heritage. Weed, however, thought Little Doug might have trouble with both monikers. It would remind his father-in-law too much of his ex-wife's new husband. Little Doug's ex-wife, of course, ran off with an American fellow from the great State of Maine after finding him on the Internet.
Naturally, Devil Doug was Oscar's preferred choice. But this was quickly rejected by Weed and your agent. Rental Doug, in our opinion, hadn't done anything to deserve such a title, beyond having license plates containing the digits "668." Oscar believes this is evidence of Rental Doug's status as "the neighbour of the beast."
***
After accepting the dismissal of his preferred moniker, Oscar floated the idea of calling the man, Bad Doug. This, he explained, would be a more generic title, without implying any direct link to Satan.
Weed, however, felt the name sounded too much like "bad dog." Your agent then suggested Good Doug, since Rental Doug had consistently proven himself to be a very fine fellow. Weed rejected this idea on the same grounds as Bad Doug.
Oscar, of course, thought your agent's idea was preposterous.
***
Weed's preferred name for Rental Doug was Dirk 'N Dora Doug. Since the man would be moving into Burning Manor, he thought it would be a good way to keep their memory alive. After all, he explained, Dirk and Dora provided no end of great entertainment during their residency in the Sack.
Not surprisingly, Oscar was opposed to the idea for the entirely opposite reason. He figured Sack residents would want to forget about Dirk and Dora as quickly as possible. He was also against it because the name had nothing to do with the Devil. Then he added:
"I'm not a big fan of excessive alliteration, either."
***
In the end, the matter of a new name for Rental Doug was put on hold until a later date. Besides, Oscar had ingested more drink than is probably good for him. His suggestions were becoming increasingly more bizarre and Devil-related as the evening wore on. Weed was uncharacteristically short of marijuana and complained that his creative juices were running dry.
Your agent, of course, was feeling the onset of a rare headache.
As he prepared to leave the Wonders' porch, Oscar said we should put all of our collective brain power to work over the coming weeks, in case Rental Doug's ownership of Burning Manor became reality. Your agent and Weed assured him the matter would be a singular priority for both of us.
"The Doug days of summer are upon us," Oscar declared in a formal voice that was too loud for the hour, "so we must be ready to rise to the occasion."
As Oscar bade me a good night, he tripped on the bottom step on the Wonders' porch. Fortunately, Weed was able to catch his arm before he lost his balance. The two men walked into the fog and disappeared toward their respective homes.
I remained on the porch for a few moments and enjoyed the silence. Already, I could feel my approaching headache begin to dissipate.
***
2 comments:
My choices would either be Satan's Doug, or Blended Doug.
Or you could sorta combine them and call him Splendid Doug.
I would love to stop by for a guest appearance on your show some evening.
yeharr
I like Blended Doug - not sure if Oscar would go for Splendid Doug, though.
It would be a great to have you on the show. Of course, you'd have to bring clips from your latest project or, at the very least, let us know where you would be appearing next. . . .
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