A Slice of Life

On Friday afternoon, a convergence of work-free days saw Oscar, Weed and your agent venture into the downtown quarter. For Weed and your agent, this was part of a vacation week. In Oscar's case, it was just another work day.

This meant he could do whatever he pleased.

***

The afternoon and evening spent cavorting in the downtown quarter occurred only by happenstance. Oscar's wife, G.W., Mrs. Wonders and Daisy were spending the entire day on a tour of second-hand clothing stores. This involved a two hundred and fifty-kilometer journey outside the old town. They weren't expected back until evening.

The second-hand clothing stores are part of a chain located throughout the province. Apparently, they sell name-brand clothing imported from the United States. The clothing, I'm told, is either used or remaindered from manufacturers. The prices, as Mrs. Wonders describes it, are "a real bargoon."

Taking a lengthy trip to visit these stores is a popular annual activity for groups of women from the old town. The stores are located mostly in small towns and hamlets. A lengthy stop for lunch and then dinner on the way home are also key items on the itinerary. Weed calls this "social consumerism."

He could be right about this.

***

Oscar says he has a good idea why so many of the old town's women take these annual shopping trips. He says they're actually going out for amorous adventures with other men. On their way home, the women simply stop and do some shopping before returning to their partners for another year.

"It's not a shopping trip," he said simply, "it's a perversion excursion.

I remain doubtful about this.

***

On Friday morning, I encountered Weed as he returned from the local coffee cathedral. He was sipping noisily on his first iced cappuccino of the day.

We stood on the Wonders' driveway and talked of nothing in particular. That's when Oscar motored into the Sack. There was a noticeable spring in his step as he left his car and walked toward us.

After catching up on miscellaneous Sack business, Oscar noted that we were similarly unencumbered of any marital responsibilities. Even Weed's little tyke, Baby Doug, was gone for the day. He was staying with his paternal grandparents until the next day.

A matinee movie, dinner and a stroll through the old town's bar district were quickly negotiated.

***

Although it was barely past eleven in the morning, Oscar said he had already finished his work for the day. He said he got up extra early to make sure he got everything done. Apparently, he was "out the door" at the ungodly hour of half past eight.

Oscar said he had to take his boss to the airport for a flight back to Toronto. Thankfully, he said this was the only thing on his agenda for the day.

"My work week," he said emphatically," is now officially over."

***

Recently, Oscar's idyllic employment situation was shattered by the appointment of a new boss. For the first time in several years, someone was keenly interested in his activities.

Oscar, of course, works for a company based in Toronto. He's their only representative in the Maritimes. General disinterest on the company's part has allowed him to earn a generous salary while barely lifting a finger.

According to Oscar, his new boss arrived at the company with a reputation as a bonafide businessman. Apparently, the man's head was filled with such notions as market share, profit margins and sales quotas. Oscar was deeply concerned the appointment would turn his greatest fear into reality.

"I think this guy is going to expect me to work for a living," he told me a few weeks ago.

***

On Tuesday night, Oscar went to the airport to meet Gerald, his new boss. Gerald was going to spend a few days accompanying Oscar to meet with some of their customers. Before leaving on Friday morning, he would give Oscar a full evaluation of his performance and review his sales targets for the balance of the fiscal year.

"I don't know if I can work with a Gerald," Oscar said with a smirk. He said any self-respecting Gerald would surely be known as Gerry.

He also said Gerald sounded like a dink on the telephone.

***

While Oscar is prone to the energetic pursuit of idle leisure, he's also a man of some wit and intelligence. Prior to Gerald's arrival, he developed a two-pronged, strategic plan to put himself in the man's good graces.

The ultimate goal was to ensure that Gerald wouldn't discover that he spends the majority of his work week in a bathrobe.

The first prong of the strategic plan involved some preparation on Oscar's part. He paid a visit to his customers and advised them of Gerald's impending visit. In a diplomatic fashion, they were asked to make it clear to Gerald that Oscar was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

The second part of the plan also involved considerable effort. Oscar intended to show Gerald a good time in the old town. This, he pointed out, had always been a successful strategy whenever Toronto management-types have come nosing around his territory.

***

When he met Gerald at the airport, Oscar was immediately dismayed. Gerald was a short, stocky fellow in a dark pin-striped suit. He wore a Bluetooth earpiece and was talking away to an invisible listener. Oscar had to wait for the man to finish the conversation before they actually exchanged greetings and shook hands.

His first impression was that Gerald wouldn't have the slightest interest in having a good time in the old town.

Since it was late in the evening, Oscar simply dropped Gerald off at his hotel in the downtown quarter. Gerald declined his invitation to go for a few drinks. He said he had some paper work to do before he turned in for the night.

Oscar said Gerald took two other phone calls on the way to the hotel. Even though the work day was over, both calls were business-related.

By the time he got back to the Sack, Oscar said he was wondering if his company would give him a decent termination package after Gerald's visit.

***

The next day, however, his spirits began to rise.

The two men paid visits to five different customers. Each customer was effusive in their reports on Oscar's attention to their needs. Two of the customers actually said Oscar was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Worried that Gerald would become aware of his pre-trip visit to the customers, Oscar said he had to use the same phrase several times himself. He was hoping Gerald would think this was a particularly popular local phrase.

After maintaining a steady pace throughout the day, Oscar was surprised when Gerald accepted his invitation for a restaurant dinner and a few drinks in the downtown quarter. They went to one of the finer seafood restaurants in the old town so Gerald could indulge in his apparent taste for good lobster.

That's when Oscar discovered that Gerald had a weakness for the drink.

***

By the time dinner was over, Oscar said Gerald had turned into a completely different person. If they had planned to attend a hockey game, Oscar said Gerald surely would've insisted on painting his face in the home team's colours first.

Rambunctious, according to Oscar, was the best word to describe Gerald's new demeanour.

After visiting a few popular nightspots, Oscar took Gerald to an establishment known as place for meeting members of the opposite sex. Apparently, Gerald was a single man. With drink-induced excitement, he told Oscar he wouldn't mind "checkin' out the ladies."

Oscar said Gerald exaggerated his pronunciation of the word 'ladies.' He said Gerald made it sound like "laaaaaaydees."

At this particular establishment, it didn't take long for Gerald to have a very good time indeed. Before the night was over, he became enthralled with a woman of similar stature to his own. It turned out she was also a serious businesswoman in the same mold as himself. Oscar said the woman had red hair and very large breasts.

When the night came to a conclusion, Gerald shook Oscar's hand with great affection. As far as he was concerned, he exclaimed, Oscar was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Then he left with the large-breasted, red-haired woman. Apparently, she spent the night at his hotel.

Oscar said the woman's name was Geraldine. I remain very doubtful about this.

***

On Thursday morning, they were supposed to visit more customers. But Gerald called and postponed the visit until the afternoon. They managed to visit only two more customers before the day was done. Once again, a customer told Gerald that Oscar was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

"You got that right," replied Gerald.

The work day ended with another warm handshake and more praise from Gerald. Oscar asked him out for dinner again, but Gerald politely declined. Apparently, he had plans to spend another evening with the large-breasted, red-haired businesswoman.

"She's the greatest thing since sliced bread," he explained happily.

***

When Oscar took Gerald to the airport on Friday morning, he received a full evaluation of his efforts on behalf of the company. According to Gerald, the company needed more employees just like him. He simply told Oscar to keep doing what he was doing. Oscar said he would be sure to do just that.

"I might even be employee of the month," he told Weed and your agent.

The only downside of the affair, from Oscar's perspective, was Gerald's new love. He hoped the woman's presence in the old town wouldn't result in more frequent visits from the man. Thankfully, Gerald explained that the woman was already planning a trip to visit him in Toronto.

"For the moment," Oscar said, with some relief in his voice, "it looks like it's going to be business as usual."

***

With Oscar's work life returned to a state of equilibrium, we rode into the downtown quarter by taxi. Oscar paid the fare and said he would include it as part of his expenses from Gerald's visit. Weed and your agent thought this was a very good idea.

Our first stop was the downtown cineplex. We were planning to see The Simpsons Movie. Unfortunately, the place was a sea of youthful humanity. Harry Potter fanatics and teenaged Simpsons aficionados abounded. The lineup to purchase tickets was daunting. By the time we neared the cashier, The Simpsons Movie was sold out.

After intense negotiations, it was agreed that we would see Sicko instead. It was the second last day of its run in the old town, so was actually fortuitous that The Simpsons Movie was sold out. Weed, however, was somewhat reluctant about the new choice, until Oscar explained that Sicko was about a crazed, mass-murdering slasher.

Weed, of course, knew this wasn't true, but said he admired Oscar's pathetic sense of humour.

***

We were a few minutes late as we entered the theatre. The previews of coming attractions were already underway. Oscar immediately complained about the volume of the soundtrack. Weed said he was going to have a seizure because of the intense flashing of fiery action scenes. Your agent, meanwhile, munched on a box of Smarties. I only eat Smarties when I go to a movie theatre. It's just something I do.

As Sicko began to explore the benefits of Canada's universal healthcare system, Oscar became almost overcome by emotion.

"That Tommy Douglas should be made a saint, man," he whispered in the darkness.

"But the guy was a Baptist minister," I replied with a hushed tone.

"Doesn't matter." Oscar replied. "The guy's still a saint."

Weed poked his head over and hissed: "He was Kiefer Sutherland's grandfather, you know."

"Then Kiefer Sutherland's granddad is a saint," said Oscar.

***

Weed started to fidget as the casualties of profit-oriented American healthcare system began to mount. He said it was really killing his buzz. His attention was renewed, however, as the wondrous French system was presented.

"We suck," he said curtly. "France has a kick-ass healthcare system."

Oscar nodded his agreement. "Tommy Doug just lost his sainthood," he replied. "The man didn't go far enough."

Weed's silhouette nodded in the darkness. "I never liked Kiefer Sutherland very much anyway," he snorted.

***

Following the movie, we emerged into the daylight of the downtown quarter. We strolled about for a time and then sought out a restaurant for dinner. Then we retired to a relatively quiet bar and played a trivia game broadcast through a network of establishments throughout North America.

Oscar and Weed tend to be very competitive. They argued frequently over some of the trivia answers. In the end, however, your agent quietly came from behind and won the match.

I know a little about a lot of things. Unfortunately, this isn't a particularly profitable life skill.

***

As the evening drew to a close, we bought some pizza slices and sat on a stone wall near a busy area of the downtown quarter. We watched the antics of the Friday night revellers and munched on our pizza slices.

Suddenly, Oscar drew his head back as if to avoid being seen. He was almost crouched behind Weed as a hand-holding couple strode past us.

When the couple were out of earshot, Oscar exclaimed, "That was Geraldine!"

We watched in silence as the couple stopped and began kissing with great passion. As previously advertised, Geraldine had red hair and very large breasts. Although Gerald had flown back to Toronto earlier in the day, Oscar still found it necessary to say the man with Geraldine was someone different.

"Boy, Gerald's heart would break if he saw this," Oscar declared.

"I guess so," your agent replied.

Weed nodded and said it was a great shame. Finally, he said there was probably a bright side for Gerald.

"At least our healthcare system will fix his heart for free."

***