Tales From the Express Lane

The past few weeks have been very busy around the Sack. It started, of course, with the Canada Day street party. Since then, there has been a notable increase in interaction among residents. This has generated a substantial inventory of Sack news.

To a chronicler of cul-de-sac life, this can only be good fortune.

The current pot of Sack news, therefore, is deep. Just a spoonful of the stuff could keep your agent at the blogging machine for weeks on end. Sadly, I haven't got time to devote to the matter.

I've got the desire, man. But I ain't got the time.

During times like this, a man can only improvise. The best your agent can do is provide a rapid-fire overview of the latest in Sack developments. Some of the items, of course, might bear follow-up in the future. Then we could examine these matters in more detail.

But today, we can only skim the surface of things. We can just state the facts of the matter and then move on to the next item.

***

Item #1:

Florence has gone away for an entire month. Your agent, of course, is now in charge of the safety and security of her home.

This is killing me.

As discussed here in the past, this responsibility weighs heavily on my shoulders. I'm quite certain her house is destined to burn down during my watch. Then I'm going to feel very uncomfortable around Florence forevermore. In the end, I'll probably have to move away.

It wouldn't matter, of course, if the fire occurred despite my devotion to her home's security. Every time I saw Florence after the fact, it would be terribly awkward. I would feel compelled to say the same thing to her on each occasion.

"Sorry about your house, Florence."

Mrs. Wonders says if I'm so worried about the safety of Florence's house, I should spend all of my free time sitting on her front steps. If anything untoward occurred, I would be readily available to deal with the matter.

I said I had already given some thought to this very idea.

***

Item #2

Oscar has a new boss. For him, this is definitely bad news.

Oscar, of course, is involved in some vague kind of employment that allows him to work from home. Even though his work efforts bear a remarkable resemblance to unemployment, he's apparently very successful in his current position.

This assessment, of course, comes from Oscar himself. He says he hasn't the foggiest idea what the company really thinks about his performance. For the last three years, he said he has had very little contact with them. He gets a regular pay cheque, yet no one seems to have the slightest interest in his output of work.

Oscar says there are two reasons why he has successfully managed such a long period of paid unemployment. Firstly, the company he works for is relatively new, but has grown substantially in a short period of time. Oscar joined the company when it was still quite small. At the time, they had never employed someone on Canada's east coast before.

In Oscar's first year with the company, he said his sales results were rather paltry. The company, however, was thrilled with his output. As a result, their expectations for future growth were extremely low.

Oscar says the amount of energy required to maintain these results are minimal.

"It's like swatting a mosquito off your hand," he told me once.

***

It's common for companies centred in other parts of Canada to have low expectations for the east coast. Historically, this region has been in the shallow end of the country's economic fortunes. Unlike the U.S. east coast, there are no major cities or industries here. The population is quite small compared to the rest of the country.

Nevertheless, Oscar admits that he's exploiting the company's ignorance of the potential for growth here. But he says he's simply striking back at globalization and the increasing power of corporate interests.

"I'm just fighting the man from the inside," he told me with a smile.

***

The other reason for Oscar's anonymity has been the continuing absence of anyone with a regular interest in his activities. He says he hasn't had a designated boss for some time.

Sadly, his original boss died very suddenly about three years ago. Apparently, the man was stung by a bee and, within a matter of hours, suffered cardiac arrest. He didn't even know he was allergic to the insect.

This unfortunate soul was eventually replaced by another man who remained in the position for about three months and then quietly disappeared. The company didn't tell Oscar anything about the matter. The man's name was simply never mentioned again.

Eventually, Oscar's phone stopped ringing and email correspondence slowed considerably. After about four months, someone from the company called and asked how he was faring. The representative also expressed satisfaction with his meagre results. Oscar said these calls have continued on a sporadic basis ever since.

He said it has been a great ride until now.

***

Oscar's new boss surfaced last week. Apparently the man is a bit of go-getter.

In fact, he's planning a trip to visit with Oscar next month. This has given Oscar only a short period of time to make it appear like he's actually doing something with his time.

"There's nothing worse," Oscar told me this week, "than having a businessman for a boss."

***

Item #3:

Cutlass Supreme Painting has another paid gig on its schedule. The burgeoning enterprise, of course, is the brainchild of Britney Bitterman's beau, Maxwell.

The client involved in the company's second-ever gig is a Sack resident. Last weekend, Computer Doug negotiated the deal with Maxwell while sitting on one of the large rocks in the Sack's centre circle.

Both men expressed great satisfaction with the business arrangements. Computer Doug will enjoy the repainting of his front entry, living room and kitchen. In return, Maxwell will receive a small amount of cash, a large supply of drink and ownership of Computer Doug's old stereo.

The job is expected to be completed next weekend. As a gesture of goodwill, Computer Doug has already provided Maxwell with a twelve-pack of beer. Maxwell says it's a good business practice to insist on a deposit whenever a painting gig has been negotiated.

I remain doubtful about all of this.

***

Item #4:

Serenity Terrace is back in the news.

The small cul-de-sac of town homes is slated for construction on the vacant lot that separates the Sack from the local coffee cathedral. Although the matter was approved over a year ago, the land has been dormant ever since.

Last Monday, however, a ferocious-looking bulldozer was maneuvered onto the vacant lot. It sat idly until the following day. Then it began to clear the land in earnest.

On Wednesday, a large sign was erected near the entrance to the site. An artist's rendering of the development brought Serenity Terrace to life for the first time. A telephone number and website were listed for anyone interested in further information about the development.

***

On Friday, during the show hosted by Oscar and your agent on the Wonders' front porch, Weed announced that him and Daisy have set up an appointment to learn more about the possibility of becoming residents of Serenity Terrace.

For the last few years, Daisy and Weed have been residing with Daisy's father, Little Doug. Although the price of a town home is higher than they can afford, Weed says they might be able to acquire one with some help from their respective families.

Oscar, of course, was thrilled by the possibility of Weed's relocation to Serenity Terrace. Even though the purchase of a town home is far from being a certainty, he immediately announced that Weed is now the Sack's official correspondent on all matters relating to the new cul-de-sac. Weed nodded his appreciation and said he would do his best to fill the position if everything worked out.

If he did manage to acquire a home in Serenity Terrace, Weed said he would likely end up being the Grand Poopah of its resident's association.

"I'm gonna be the Serenity Terrace version of Gordon," he said with a smile.

***

Throughout the Sack, there is elation at the long-awaited emergence of Serenity Terrace.

Gordon is happy because it will certainly drive up the value of Sack homes and provide a further barrier to any noise from the local coffee cathedral. Others are pleased because the developer will be building a solid fence between Serenity Terrace and the back of the homes on the west side of the Sack. This will save those homeowners from spending a few thousand dollars on their own fences.

"It's not every day, you get a free fence," said Ben, one of the benefactors in this matter.

Somewhere, members of the New Urbanism movement are breaking out in hives.

***

Despite the enthusiasm for Serenity Terrace, there is one Sack resident who will not be happy about its emergence.

For the last three weeks, young Doo has been earnestly building an underground fort on the vacant lot where the development will occur. As Weed pointed out, the lad has put more effort into this task than Oscar has devoted to his job over the last five years.

But now, the beginnings of Doo's underground fort have been demolished by the muscular bulldozer.

Fortunately, Doo wasn't around when the carnage began. Along with his mom and step dad, Sticky, Doo has been camping for the last week on Prince Edward Island. According to Mrs. Wonders, he's not due back until sometime next week.

Oscar says it's hard to imagine what will be more devastating for Doo. On one hand, the lad will be infuriated at the loss of his underground fort. At the same time, he missed the appearance of the bulldozer.

Doo, of course, is a big fan of digging. The sight of a bulldozer would be enough to send him into euphoria, even if it was demolishing his own construction site.

***

Item #5:

It's the writer's task to build momentum in a story. As one nears the end of a tale, the plot should build in a dramatic crescendo, before ending in a spectacular climax.

This means, of course, that our news items should become more gripping as we build toward a conclusion to today's offering. Item #5, therefore, is a bigger piece of news than the previous ones, although not quite as substantial as the concluding piece, Item #6.

Britney Bitterman is pregnant again.

Maxwell made this announcement on our show on Friday night. He had just returned from Computer Doug's house to pick up the case of beer he received as a deposit for Cutlass Supreme Painting's next gig.

Britney, of course, gave birth to their first child, Baby Maybe, a little over a year ago. Maxwell admitted that they weren't trying to have another child, but somehow it just happened anyway. He said both him and Britney are happy about the matter, but haven't informed Mr. and Mrs. Bitterman yet. They've decided to hold on to the news until the right moment comes along. Maxwell said they have an inkling that Britney's parents won't be too pleased about it, at first. But he has no doubt they'll come around with time.

"You can never have too many grandchildren, eh?" said Maxwell, as he retrieved a bottle from the beer case.

If the Sack seems to experience an earthquake during the next week or so, Oscar says we shouldn't worry. He says it will likely be the impact when Mr. Bitterman's skull explodes into a million pieces.

***

Item #6:

Cue the dramatic music. Prepare to bring the cymbals crashing together.

On Thursday, your agent motored into the Sack at the conclusion of the work day. As I neared Burning Manor, my foot went instinctively onto the brake pedal. My body, it seemed, was reacting before my brain could make sense of the matter.

There was a "For Sale" sign on the front lawn of Burning Manor.

Oddly, no one else was aware of the matter. Oscar had been out all day trying in vain to make it look like he had been working for the best five years. Mrs. Wonders was as home, but had been toiling in the back garden. Weed was still at his job at the local call centre. Young Doo, of course, was still camping on Prince Edward Island. Everyone else was out somewhere.

Within a matter of an hour, however, the news spread like a virus. Big Doug even called your agent from work for an update on the matter. Elizabeth came storming up the middle of the street to seek intelligence on the developing story.

No one, unfortunately, knows anything about the reason for Dirk and Dora's apparent decision to leave the Sack. The lovely couple haven't been seen for the last week or so. Norma, who usually garners information from her Tuesday night bingo outings, had nothing to contribute to the story. She and Ben, of course, have just returned from a family reunion in Newfoundland.

Burning Manor is up for sale and we don't know anything about it.

***

Oscar, of course, remains doubtful about the possibility of a quick sale on the property, even though the market is quite brisk right now.

It didn't take long for Sack residents to sprint to their computers to look up the listing on a real estate website. This permitted everyone a first-ever glimpse into the interior of the notorious house. These photos lead to Oscar's pronouncement on the chances for an early departure by Dirk and Dora.

In selling a home, most folks would likely present their living space in a positive light. Of course, Dirk and Dora have constantly shown their propensity for being unlike other folks. The photo of Burning Manor's upstairs bathroom, for example, appears to have been taken moments after they had completed their morning routines. A tattered towel was hung over the shower curtain rod. There was also a pair of underpants on the floor. At least, that's what Oscar thought it was.

Finally, a can of shaving cream was perched on the sink beside a small green bottle. Weed magnified the photo on his computer and announced that it was, in fact, a bottle of Brute aftershave.

Oscar says a man should be arrested for using such a vile substance in this day and age. He could be right about this.

***

The photo of the kitchen was only marginally better. A few dirty dishes were on the counter and there was a frying pan on the stove. A beer bottle sat alone on the small kitchen table.

A number of months ago, Ben and Jeff Christ entered Burning Manor after Dora seemed to suffer from an overindulgence of alcohol and prescription medication. They were the first Sack residents to have an actual look inside Burning Manor. At that time, Jeff Christ reported the presence of a wall of empty beer cases in the rec room.

On the real estate website, there is a picture of the rec room. The beer cases figure prominently in the photo.

Oscar says these pictures may prevent any serious buyers from considering Burning Manor as a new home. Weed, on the other hand, thinks the photos might inspire an offer from some less than savoury characters. He said the place looks like the perfect place for a gang of bikers to set up their headquarters. Uncharacteristically, Oscar admitted agreement with this observation.

Nevertheless, Weed said he wasn't too concerned about the matter.

"I'm moving to Serenity Terrace, man," he said with a smile. Looking at Oscar and your agent, he added, "This is going to be your problem, not mine."

***

And so ends our checkout line. Burning Manor is for sale. Britney Bitterman is pregnant and Serenity Terrace may soon be a reality. Weed could actually become one of its first residents.

Young Doo is in for a big, unwelcome surprise when he returns from his camping trip on Prince Edward Island. Computer Doug has engaged the services of Cutlass Supreme Painting. And, of course, Oscar might finally have to work for a living.

Meanwhile, your agent paces in front of Florence's house, counting the days to her return.

***