Oscar finds this state of affairs to be immensely frustrating. It has been several years since we enjoyed the privilege of bestowing a new moniker on an incoming Sack resident. He says this is one of his favourite aspects of living here.
Weed continues to ruminate on the loss of Rental Doug. Although it's highly improbable, he remains hopeful that an incoming new resident will have the same name. He says it's essential for the Sack's Doug population to be replenished.
"I don't care if the new guy's name is Bob, Sergio or Guptil," said Weed, "we absolutely have to call him Replacement Doug."
***
In the lives of Sack residents, there are clear signs of the slowing economy. Nevertheless, there is also good reason for optimism. In the midst of job losses and a declining real estate market, one can still find evidence of industry and creativity.
Last week, your agent completed some business in the downtown quarter. As the weather was inclement, I hailed a cab. After settling into the back seat, I informed the driver of my destination in the Sack. He adjusted his rear view mirror and gazed back at me. "I think I know where that is," he said with a smile.
The cab driver was Doo's stepdad, Sticky.
***
Sticky has a low profile in the Sack. As a bus driver with the old town's transit authority, he puts in a lot of overtime. He also works a lot of split shifts. It's rare to see him at home in the Sack.
According to Sticky, the old town has placed a cap on overtime. This has reduced his weekly earnings. By driving a cab in his spare hours, he could more than make up the difference.
"Man, that's a lot of driving," I said sympathetically.
"Ah, yup," he replied. That's what Sticky says when he means, "yes."
***
Sticky explained that he could probably manage without driving the cab. However, he and Doo's mom are planning a vacation in early April. They're going to Cuba for a couple of weeks. To enhance their savings, Doo's mom is also making a substantial sacrifice. She's giving up Tuesday Night Bingo until next summer.
Sadly, young Doo will not be accompanying his parents to Cuba. He'll stay at his grandmother's house for the duration of their trip. Sticky said they don't want the boy to miss any time away from school.
"I'll bet he's not happy about that," I said.
"Ah, yup," said Sticky.
***
Britney Bitterman's beau, Maxwell is no longer peddling pot from the porch of the Bitterman residence. Apparently, his inventory has been exhausted.
While most observers would consider this to be a despicable business, Maxwell claims that it was merely a temporary and well-intentioned enterprise. He explained this to Oscar and your agent during a recent discussion at the local coffee cathedral.
According to Maxwell, he received a quantity of marijuana from one of his legions of cousins. It arrived in lieu of an outstanding financial debt. This unexpected development caused him to consider his options.
"I could've either smoked my brains out," said Maxwell with a thoughtful look, "or I could do something good for my family." That's how he decided to peddle the pot from the porch.
Still, Maxwell was apologetic about using the Bitterman residence as his storefront. Unfortunately, without any means of transportation, he said he really had no choice in the matter. In fact, the whole point of the enterprise was really about transportation. He said the profits would be used to fund repairs to his 1993 Cutlass Supreme. The vehicle, of course, has been parked in the Bitterman's driveway for some time. It requires a new doohickey of some kind before it can be operable again.
Maxwell said the new doohickey has been ordered from Canadian Tire. He expects the car and his illustrious company, Cutlass Supreme Painting to be back in action within the next week.
The completed repairs can't come a moment too soon, either. Maxwell says he has "tons" of interior painting gigs lined up between now and "probably April." In fact, he's already thinking about how he might spend some of the profits.
"Yeah," said Maxwell, as he picked at his maple sugar donut, "I'm thinkin' that me and Britney might take a trip next April."
"Oh, yeah?" replied your agent. "Where're you guys gonna go?"
"I don't know yet," he said casually, "I'm thinkin' maybe Cuba."
***
Doo's stepdad, Sticky and Britney Bitterman's beau, Maxwell are certainly making an effort to keep the local economy cooking. The same could be said about Tremayne, another Sack resident.
Tremayne, of course, is the Sack's primary pusher of fundraising chocolate bars. He's nine years old. Already, he has three years of experience under his belt. If there was a Golden Circle for chocolate bar sellers, Tremayne would be a three-time winner.
Of course, it's uncertain whether any of Tremayne's causes have ever actually seen the money he collects. When asked about the purpose of the fundraising, he's rather vague about the matter. Sometimes, he just says the money is for his brother, Jimbo's school. That's about as much as he can tell you.
One might also wonder about how many chocolate bars end up in Tremayne's mouth. After selling a bar to your agent, he'll often return the next day. He'll ask if I have any chocolate to spare.
***
A few weeks ago, the Wonders' doorbell rang. It was about four-thirty in the afternoon.
When your agent opened the door, Tremayne stood boldly on the porch. He nodded a greeting and held up his bag of chocolate bars. He opened it only a few inches, enticing me to look at its contents.
"You wanna buy some chocolate bars?" he asked quietly.
Tremayne usually offers me a quantity of bars first. Then he allows me to negotiate down to a single one. It's a very effective strategy.
"How much?" your agent replied.
"Three-fifty," answered Tremayne.
***
Two years ago, Tremayne's chocolate bars sold for two dollars. Last year, the price rose to three dollars. These price increases, I told him, were becoming ridiculous. Tremayne simply shrugged.
"So what are you raising money for this time," I asked. Tremayne shrugged again and said, "School."
"Whose school?" I replied.
"Mine."
"And what's the money for?"
"My class," said Tremayne. "We're goin' somewhere else to do something."
I paused for a moment and said, "That sounds like a lot of fun."
Tremayne nodded with disinterest. Then he asked, "So, how many do you want?"
***
I bought only one chocolate bar from Tremayne. Belt-tightening, after all, has to start somewhere.
About an hour later, the doorbell rang again. I couldn't believe that Tremayne would be back so soon looking for chocolate. This time, however, an adolescent girl stood on the porch. She looked to be about fourteen years old.
Like Tremayne, the girl was selling fundraising chocolate bars. Apparently, her cheerleading team was planning a trip to the great state of New Hampshire.
***
I bought another chocolate bar from the teenage girl. It's good to have a back-up bar for when Tremayne returns to the door. Interestingly, the girl's chocolate bars were only two dollars.
They were exactly the same as the ones Tremayne was peddling.
***
Tremayne has yet to arrive at the Wonders' door looking for chocolate. Whenever he does appear, he'll have some explaining to do. I have no doubt that he'll have a reasonable response for the price discrepancy.
Of course, it could be that the chocolate bar price varies at the fundraiser's discretion. Maybe Tremayne needs a new doohickey for his bike. Or perhaps, he's planning his own trip to Cuba.
Either way, one thing is very clear. If you asked whether Tremayne will make it through the coming recession, I would have only one response.
Ah, yup.
***
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