Your agent awoke on that Saturday morning at about six-thirty. I was stirred by a distant scraping sound.
Rising to the bedroom window, I gazed out upon the Sack. It was eerily quiet. Under the soft glare of the streetlights, the neighbourhood seemed covered in soft, white satin. The trees were heavy with snow. Even the exposed trunks were layered in white. It was a beautiful sight, indeed.
The distant scraping was suddenly audible again.
Scanning across the street, I spied movement on Big Doug's driveway. He was putting the finishing touches on his first snow-shoveling job of the year. A straight snow bank lined each side of his driveway. The cleared asphalt was almost bereft of snow. His prized pickup truck had also been swept clean.
Did I mention it was only six-thirty in the morning?
Despite his pristine driveway, Big Doug wouldn't be able to drive anywhere. There was still thirty-five centimeters of snow covering the rest of the Sack. The snowplows wouldn't dig us out until late in the afternoon. None of this, of course, likely bothered him.
Big Doug was in shoveling heaven, man.
***
The arrival of snow seemed to awaken an early Christmas spirit in some residents. The first seasonal adornments materialized on the street within days of that first snowfall. On the Sunday, Ben was observed storing a freshly cut Christmas tree in his garage. The next day, it appeared undecorated in his front window. By the end of the week, it was fully dressed for the season.
Gordon is almost always the first Sack resident to decorate the exterior of his home. For him, this is a very serious business. To the grand amazement of everyone, however, he was beaten to the punch this year. His comeuppance came from a very unlikely source.
Dirk and Dora, the denizens of Burning Manor, were first to decorate their home for Christmas.
***
Dirk was responsible for the decorations. He strung a line of Christmas lights in a partial framing of Burning Manor's front porch. The lights were green.
On the snow-covered lawn, however, Dirk erected something quite extraordinary. He placed a large, inflatable snow globe adjacent to the driveway. There was a smiling snowman inside it. When the whole business was activated, a flurry of artificial snow swirled around the snowman. At night, the globe was backlit.
It was quite a sight.
Sack observers have been confounded by this sudden expression of holiday spirit at Burning Manor. In the past, the only holiday spirit there seemed to be the liquid variety.
Dora, in particular, seemed enthralled by the inflatable snow globe. Oscar says he saw her standing outside on consecutive evenings, simply staring at it. She was mesmerized by the thing.
Oscar says she was probably stoned. He could be right about this.
***
When the next weekend arrived, Gordon roared into action. He spent his entire Saturday beautifying his home with all manner of decorations.
The lighting scheme alone took most of his time. At night, his house now illuminates most of the Sack's centre circle. Oscar says the place looks like a casino. He could be right about this, too.
Gordon also made liberal use of wreaths and boughs. His porch and doorway are covered with both items. There's also a large plastic Santa Claus face on the wall above his garage. A strategically placed spotlight gives it prominence at night.
As usual, Gordon has also erected a pair of mechanical reindeer on his lawn. They're made of thick white wire. Small white lights provide an outline of the animals. At short intervals, the reindeers' heads bow and then slowly rise in the air. This makes it look like they're grazing in the snow.
Gordon puts the reindeer out every year. As always, Oscar will make a clandestine attempt to reposition them. Ultimately, one reindeer will appear to be sniffing the other's behind.
***
Young Doo took advantage of the sudden abundance of snow. A hefty mountain of the stuff was piled in the Sack's centre circle, courtesy of the old town's snowplow brigade. That's where Doo decided to build a snowman.
The boy toiled over his creation for two solid days. At times, other Sack kids joined him. It was clear, however, that Doo was the project's foreman. He built the snowman at the highest point of the snow mountain. When the job was completed, his creation towered over the street like a religious statue.
Every time Oscar walked past it, he crossed himself.
***
Your agent was in the midst of shoveling the Wonders' driveway, while Doo was in the early stages of creating the snowman. Rest assured, this was many hours after six-thirty in the morning.
In need of some respite, I crossed the street to the Sack's centre circle. I decided to exchange pleasantries with the boy. Oscar says it's a good idea to maintain good relations with Sack kids. This way, they won't steal from us when we're old and lacking in agility.
After polite greetings, Doo told me all about his plans for the snowman. He said it would quite likely be the world's biggest. As he described his intentions, a thin line of mucus seeped from his left nostril.
Given the wintry atmosphere, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year. That's when the following conversation ensued:
Doo: "I wanna Wii"
Me: "You wanna what?"
Doo: "A Wii."
Me: "A wee what?"
Doo: "A Wii. I wanna Wii."
Me: "You want a wee."
Doo: "Yeah."
Me: "What's a wee?
Doo: "It's a game console."
Me: "Right. A Wii."
Doo: "Yeah."
Me: "Why do you want a Wii?"
Doo: "Because. . . . it's fun."
***
Dirk's inflatable snow globe, Gordon's festive house and Ben's Christmas tree certainly gave the Sack some early holiday flair.
Doo's snowman, of course, only added to this slice of suburban life. However, it was shaped in a rather unusual fashion. Rather than being a roly-poly snowman, his creation was tall and lean. The lad had certainly focused his attention on height rather than girth. It looked more like an obelisk.
Nevertheless, it certainly contributed to the Sack's newfound cheeriness.
***
Naturally, this state of affairs wouldn't last.
This week, the old town received several days of persistent rain, strong wind and dense fog. The temperature rose dramatically. At one point, it was fifteen degrees outside. That's almost sixty degrees Fahrenheit.
It didn't take long for the heavy coating of snow to disappear. Only a small pile of it remained in the Sack's centre circle, along with the remnants of Doo's snowman. Everything else was wet, damp and dreary.
On Wednesday evening, your agent and Oscar strolled over to the local coffee cathedral. Oscar had maple sugar donuts on his mind. Upon our return, we walked through the Sack. It didn't take long to realize that the neighbourhood's early Christmas spirit had dissipated.
***
The Christmas tree in Ben's front window was mysteriously absent. Later, we would hear from Norma about the matter. Apparently, their cat had knocked it over earlier that day. When we walked past their house, they hadn't been home to discover it yet.
Gordon's house was still shining brightly. However, something was amiss with one of his reindeer. It had nothing to do with butt sniffing, either. Instead, it appeared to be malfunctioning. Rather than moving its head in a grazing fashion, the reindeer was nodding in a quick, repetitive manner.
"Don't look now," said Oscar, with a hint of concern in his voice, "but I think one of Gordon's reindeer is having a seizure."
***
At Burning Manor, the surprising holiday spirit was clearly deflated.
The inflatable snow globe on its front lawn was collapsed in a disjointed, wet heap. A torn piece of plastic was flapping in the wind. The happy snowman was partially visible in the carnage. It looked like it had been run over by a truck. The recent wind and driving rain was likely to blame.
Dirk's green Christmas lights had also become dislodged from the porch roof. A line of lights drooped lazily in front of the entryway. They haven't been lit for days now.
After the heavy rain, Burning Manor's lawn was a muddy mess. With the almost unrecognizable snow globe in its midst, there was little evidence of Christmas cheer.
Instead, Oscar said it looked like a paratrooper had recently landed in the midst of a war zone.
***
Doo's obelisk-like snowman had also suffered from the rain and mild temperatures.
When first constructed atop the snow mountain, it stood almost as high as the trees in the Sack's centre circle. Now, it had been brought down to earth. While the snowman still maintained its lean proportions, it had melted in a most unfortunate fashion.
It resembled a phallic symbol more than a snowman.
***
Gordon has yet to tend to his epileptic reindeer. It could be that he hasn't noticed yet. For comedic purposes, no one is likely to mention it to him, either.
The grisly remnants of Dirk's snow globe remains on the lawn of Burning Manor. Apparently, Dirk has returned to his job on an oil rig and won't be home until shortly before Christmas. No one expects Dora to do anything about the matter. She certainly hasn't been spotted outside staring at it.
Thankfully, the sight of young Doo's snowy phallic symbol is no longer welcoming Sack residents to the neighbourhood. Yesterday, he was observed taking matters into his own hands. Armed with a hockey stick, he destroyed it with a series of vicious chops. By the end of the day, all traces of its existence were gone.
Oscar says it looked like Doo took more pleasure from the destruction of the snowman, than from the building of it. He could be right about this.
***
It's now only about three weeks until Christmas. That's plenty of time for the Sack to rekindle its holiday spirit. Already, there seems to be some evidence of this.
Yesterday, Big Doug erected some Christmas lights on the front of his house. He hasn't done this for a few years. Your agent wandered over to his place, while he was in the midst of this task.
Although he tends to be a bit on the gruff side, Big Doug seemed surprisingly cheerful. After chatting amiably for a few moments, he asked if I had heard the latest weather report.
"Nope," I replied.
"Big storm coming tomorrow," said Big Doug. "Could be rain. Could be snow. It's too soon to tell."
"Well, let's hope for some rain, eh?" your agent said hopefully.
Big Doug grunted and looked into the sky as if assessing the possibilities. Finally, he said, "Snow's a pain in the arse, but I wouldn't mind it if we got some."
"Really?" I replied. "How so?"
Big Doug gazed around the Sack for a second and said, "Take a look around. . . we could use a little Christmas spirit around here."
He could be right about this.
***
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