Our discussion roamed through a variety of topics. Our favourite hockey teams are losing with alarming regularity. There wasn't much more to be said about that. Then we had a brief, yet spirited discussion of the recent Canadian political crisis. Oscar said it was the most significant thing to happen in Canada since Wayne Gretzky got married.
I remain doubtful about that.
Our conversation then wandered onto less significant topics. Somehow, Oscar and Weed became embroiled in a discussion about the expression, "I'd give you the shirt off my back."
Weed expressed his opposition to the literal image behind the phrase. Aside from giving up his shirt for a bandage, he couldn't see why the practice would be necessary.
"If you're walking around without a shirt," he said with conviction, "why should I give you mine? You should've put one on before you went out. I mean, come on."
Oscar had a different view of the matter. Although he might be a bit self-conscious about his man boobs at first, he was generally willing to give his shirt to anyone who had a good reason for needing it. However, he did place a limitation on his generosity. He said he would draw the line at giving up his shirt during the winter months.
"My shirt's not going to do a damn thing for you in the winter," Oscar declared. "You're still gonna freeze your butt off, so why bother?"
The conversation on this topic actually lasted for about ten minutes. I think it's going to be a very long winter.
***
Little Doug is definitely a "give you the shirt off his back" kind of fellow. He's always willing to help his fellow Sack residents.
Last week, Little Doug was at the Wonders' house. He fixed your agent's refrigerator door. The darn thing wouldn't close properly. Now it closes with a satisfying thunk. As he corrected the problem, Little Doug enlightened me about his latest trials and tribulations. Everywhere he turns, it seems, he can't win for losing.
It began, of course, when Gordette, Gordon's new girlfriend, backed her car into the side of Little Doug's truck. A significant amount of damage occurred. This was followed by a verbal spat with Gordette. There were also a few squabbles with the insurance company in trying to resolve the matter.
In the end, everything was sorted out. However, Little Doug described the affair as a "royal pain in the butt."
***
Despite the run-in with Gordette, Little Doug did not allow the matter to get the best of him. He gave credit for this to his new personal philosophy. Apparently, it's proving to be very helpful in coping with his recent streak of bad luck.
Little Doug's new personal philosophy is captured by a single phrase. He says it aloud to himself whenever he ends up on the wrong side of things.
The magic phrase, according to Little Doug, is "C'est la vie."
***
It seems unlikely that uttering a single French phrase can make a big difference when life goes awry. However, Little Doug swears by it. There must be some credence to his belief, since he has it used with some frequency lately.
Shortly after having his pick-up truck repaired, Little Doug was driving on a main road near the Sack. Suddenly, he was summoned to the side of the road by one of the old town's peelers. At the time, he said he was bewildered by the peeler's decision. He wasn't speeding and he didn't believe that he had violated any rules of the road.
Unfortunately, the peeler had a very good reason for stopping Little Doug. Apparently, his driver's license had expired about eight months ago. Little Doug was completely unaware of this.
"I didn't get a reminder in the mail and I hadn't looked at my license in ages," he said with a look of innocence. "I had no idea."
While the peeler seemed sympathetic to Little Doug's plight, it wasn't enough to avoid a costly ticket. The fine amounted to two hundred and seventy-five dollars. This didn't include the cost of renewing his license either. In fact, when Little Doug attempted to renew it, he was informed of some outstanding parking tickets incurred by his daughter, Daisy. He couldn't renew the license unless he squared up the parking tickets, too.
In the end, the whole affair resulted in an unforeseen expenditure that was close to five hundred dollars. Thankfully, Little Doug had his new personal philosophy at the ready.
When I offered my sympathy in the matter, he simply smiled and said, "C'est la vie."
***
That wasn't the end of Little Doug's run of bad luck.
The next incident didn't cost him any money. It had nothing to do with his pick-up truck or the old town's peelers. Instead, it was a matter of the heart.
Little Doug's first marriage ended about ten years ago. His wife ran off with a man from the Internet. He was from the great state of Maine. They're married now and reside in the great state of Vermont. According to Little Doug, the couple is doing just great.
Only in the last few years has Little Doug ventured into the world of dating. Ironically, he has been utilizing the very same Internet to locate a suitable partner.
"What's good for the goose is good for the gander, I guess," he said optimistically.
Unfortunately, this strategy hasn't yielded any long-term success. Little Doug's dating opportunities have been few and far between. The unions that have materialized haven't worked out too well. Thus far, his most notable relationship was with a woman named Marcella. Sadly, he discovered that she had quite a crazy extended family. Since Little Doug already has one of those himself, he didn't think it would be a good idea to take on another one.
Recently, however, Little Doug became acquainted with a woman named Amanda. They corresponded via email for some time, before exchanging telephone numbers. About six weeks ago, they started to see each other in person.
Little Doug said he felt a good deal of affection for Amanda.
***
While Little Doug and Amanda seemed to share similar interests and values, there was one very glaring difference between them.
Little Doug is rather short and stocky. When he wears his one pair of good dress shoes, he says he's almost five feet, seven inches tall. In his regular footwear, however, he's a few inches south of that measurement.
When clad in sensible, flat shoes, Amanda stands at six feet, two inches tall.
Weed, Little Doug's de facto son-in-law, was the only Sack resident to catch a glimpse of Amanda. He saw her from the front door of Little Doug's place when she came to pick him up on a Saturday night. He said he was quite impressed by her "Amazonian" appearance.
Much to Little Doug's chagrin, Weed thereafter referred to her as Amandazon.
***
The height difference was promptly acknowledged at the start of the dating relationship between Little Doug and Amanda. Both felt it was an irrelevant detail in their growing attraction to each other.
Little Doug said they even developed some humour about the matter. Amanda's pet name for him was Tall Boy. In response, he would call her Shorty. In total, they saw each other for about five weeks. Little Doug said things seemed to be going very well, indeed. They had even talked about spending some time together at Christmas.
The matter of the height difference seemed forgotten.
***
On the first Saturday in December, however, they went to a Christmas dance hosted by Amanda's employer.
Little Doug said their evening together was relatively pleasant. He was a bit uncomfortable because he didn't know anyone at the affair. Also, his feet were a bit sore on account of wearing his good dress shoes. Nevertheless, he held the opinion that it was a successful evening.
After the dance, he spent the night at Amanda's place.
The next day, however, Amanda dropped a bombshell on him. She said their height difference was becoming a matter of concern for her. Apparently, it had been further illuminated at the dance. She wouldn't elaborate on this, but Little Doug figured that her co-workers might've joked about the contrast in their height during the slow dances.
According to Little Doug, his face was generally aligned with Amanda's chest when they engaged in a slow dance.
***
As a result of her concerns, Amanda said she didn't think a relationship with Little Doug would be possible. She definitely wanted to remain friends, but she needed some time to think about the matter.
She said she would call him some time in January.
Little Doug admits that Amanda's decision has been difficult to accept. He thought the height issue had been "put to bed" at the very beginning. More important, he was upset that she might've been influenced by the perceptions of others.
"I don't care what other people think," said Little Doug forcefully, "and I thought she didn't care about that either."
I offered Little Doug my condolences in the matter. I said it was too bad that things didn't work out. It was also clear that he was due for a change in fortunes.
Little Doug nodded his agreement and then shrugged. "Well, what are you gonna do. . . . the only thing I can say is c'est la vie."
***
Yesterday afternoon, Oscar and Computer Doug were chatting on Oscar's driveway.
The pair has been spending a lot of time together lately. This is because Computer Doug is unemployed. Oscar, of course, works from his home. However, his workload closely resembles that of an unemployed person. As a result, both have time on their hands.
Your agent cruised into the Sack at this moment. I was returning from the local shopping emporium. Removing some bags from the car, I strolled over to Oscar's driveway.
"Where have you been?" asked Oscar.
I glanced at the bags in my hand. "The mall. I was doing my Christmas shoplifting."
Oscar nodded, but Computer Doug gave me a startled look.
"I'm kidding," I said quickly. Computer Doug looked only mildly relieved.
"What about you guys?" your agent asked. "What're you up to?"
"Waiting for Little Doug," Oscar replied. "We're going to Home Depot."
According to Oscar, Little Doug is going to make some repairs at their respective houses over the holiday season. Computer Doug needed some plumbing materials, while Oscar was in the market for a new toilet. Little Doug would make sure they bought the appropriate items needed to perform the two jobs.
Glancing over at Little Doug's house, I noticed that his pick-up truck was gone. "So, where is he?" I asked.
"Weed took him downtown to get his truck. He left it there last night after his work Christmas party. He took a cab home."
I wondered for a moment whether Amanda might've had a change of heart. "Did he go to the party with someone?" I asked.
Oscar shook his head. "Nope. He went by himself. He got dumped by Amandazon, eh."
"I know," your agent replied.
***
A few minutes later, Little Doug motored into the Sack. He pulled into his driveway and then climbed slowly out of his truck. He walked toward us with his hands in his pockets and a dejected look on his face.
"What's wrong?" asked Oscar.
Little Doug shook his head and jerked a thumb back at his truck. "Follow me," he said in a low tone.
We trailed behind as he led us to the passenger side of his truck. There was a long, thin scratch running from the rear tail light up to the passenger door. At that point, a large V-shaped scratch covered most of the door. Another long, narrow scratch then continued from the door to the front headlight.
"Somebody keyed my truck," he said quietly.
***
Apparently, Little Doug had parked his truck overnight on a downtown residential street. About seven other cars received the same type of damage. He said it must've happened in the middle of the night. The peelers were called about the matter, but the chances of catching the offender seemed unlikely.
We commiserated with Little Doug for a few minutes. Oscar ranted about increasing vandalism in this day and age. Computer Doug recounted a story about the same experience a few years ago.
Your agent took a closer look at the shape etched on Little Doug's passenger door. It really was a nasty V-shaped scratch.
"Hey," I said suddenly, catching Little Doug's attention. "Does this remind you of anything?"
He looked at the scratch for a few seconds and then shrugged. I ran my finger along the outline of it and said, "C'est la vee!"
For the first time that day, Little Doug laughed.
***
Next: The Doug of the Year (DOTY) award. . . .
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all who wander through the Sack via Cul de Sac Blues!
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