Family Affairs

After her time on the lam came to an anticlimactic end, Dora was released from police custody on her own recognizance. That's what Norma learned this week at her Tuesday night bingo game.

If Dora was released with such ease, Weed says the lam has certainly lost its lustre. "Where's the challenge?" he decried, when we spoke at the local coffee cathedral.

According to Norma, Dora now has a curfew as a condition of her release. She's not supposed to be outside after nine o'clock at night. Despite this, your agent saw her return to Burning Manor in a taxi on Thursday night. It was well past eleven o'clock. When Weed heard this, he snorted and waved his donut at me.

"See." he said forcefully, "Nobody has any respect for the lam anymore."

***

Last Saturday brought another indoor edition of our show. As usual, it took place in the Wonders' front room. When the warm weather arrives, the show will be held on the front porch.

Oscar and your agent are the show's co-hosts. A wide spectrum of topics is discussed during the show. This can range from debates on Canadian and international politics to the absurdities of cul-de-sac living.

Moderate amounts of the drink are usually involved in the show's production. This ensures that deep intellectual matters will not dominate the agenda.

This particular show was very well attended. Weed, a recurring guest, sat comfortably in the overstuffed armchair in the Wonders' front room. Daisy and Baby Doug were still visiting with her mother in the United States. As a result, Weed had an abundance of free time on his hands.

Daisy's mother lives in the great State of Vermont with her new husband. They met on the Internet a number of years ago while she was still married to Little Doug. At the time, her current husband was living in the great State of Pennsylvania.  Originally, he's from the great state of Maine.

This is why Little Doug is divorced.

***

Computer Doug also made a guest appearance on the show. He has been unemployed now for about a month. During this time, Oscar has taken him under his wing. He's teaching Computer Doug how to use idle time with grace and aplomb.

On this particular weekend, Oscar had convinced him that going out on a Saturday evening was an important part of being unemployed.

"You have to approach the weekend like you've been working your ass off all week," Oscar declared with a learned tone.

After some initial resistance, Computer Doug decided to attend the show. It helped, he told me privately, that his wife, Marion and their two little ones had gone away for the weekend. Like Daisy, she had gone to visit her mother.

Marion's mother is also divorced, but she lives in Cape Breton, rather than a great state. Her ex-husband didn't run away with anyone from the Internet, either. Computer Doug said Marion's mother divorced her father because he was a rotten bastard.

***

Little Doug was the final guest on the show. It was an unscheduled appearance.

He had declined an earlier invitation to the show. But he dropped by to fix the Wonders' wonky clothes dryer. Little Doug, of course, is very skilled in such matters. After repairing the unit, he decided to stay for a few minutes. In the end, he remained for the entire show.

When we last spoke of Little Doug, he had begun his first foray into the world of adult dating. He had been seeing a rather short woman named Marcella.

Marcella drives a pickup truck that's very similar to Little Doug's. She also has a bumper sticker that reads: I'd Rather Be Fishing. Little Doug has the same sticker on his truck.

Oscar said it sounded like a match made in heaven.

***

Sadly, Little Doug and Marcella have gone their separate ways. This was revealed during the show. Apparently Little Doug pulled the plug on their budding romance.

At first, Little Doug was somewhat reticent about discussing the matter. But Oscar's persistent curiosity got the better of him. Oscar is very good at getting Little Doug to do things he's initially reluctant to do. It was Oscar's gentle prodding, after all, that convinced him to start dating in the first place.

The decision to end the relationship had little to do with Marcella's personal qualities. It had more to do with her family than anything else.

"They were," Little Doug said cautiously, "a little bit crazy."

***

According to Little Doug, he really enjoyed Marcella's company at first. He said they shared many common interests and values.

"Like fishing," Oscar said flatly.

"Yeah, like fishing." Little Doug replied.

With each progressive date, however, Marcella started to complain about her crazy family. The last few times they went out, she scarcely spoke about anything else. At the same time, Little Doug said Marcella was insistent that he should meet her family. Unable to muster a refusal, he agreed to attend a party at her youngest brother's home.

***

Most of Marcella's adult family members were in attendance at the party. There were also a few neighbours there, along with some nefarious-looking friends of her youngest brother, Jamie.

Little Doug said there were massive amounts of the drink at the party. Apparently, the fridge was completely filled with beer.

"There wasn't a speck of food in that fridge," he said, an incredulous look on his face.

Even though there was an overabundance of the drink on hand, vast amounts of the stuff had already been consumed when he arrived with Marcella. Little Doug was introduced to several people who could only utter a few garbled words of greeting, all because of the drink. Those folks, he explained, were using all of their powers of concentration to remain in an upright position.

Little Doug also said he never did get an opportunity to meet Marcella's father. When they arrived, he was fast asleep on the livingroom couch while the party raged around him. Marcella said this always happens when her dad drinks rum.

She had previously warned Little Doug that her dad had a bit of a drinking problem.

***

About ninety minutes passed before the party evolved into complete chaos.

Two of Marcella's four brothers had found themselves in a disagreement earlier in the day. Apparently, the matter had been simmering throughout the evening.

Little Doug was sitting on the arm of the livingroom couch, just near the gently snoring head of Marcella's father. At the time, he was talking to a very engaging woman who wore a white patch over her left eye. Little Doug said he never did find out why she was wearing the patch. He thought it would be inappropriate to raise the matter.

"Maybe her eye was missing," Weed offered, with enthusiasm in his voice.

"That's what I was afraid of," Little Doug replied.

As Little Doug enjoyed some small talk with the woman, loud angry voices erupted from the kitchen. This was followed by the sound of breaking glass. When he investigated the ruckus, he witnessed a terrible row between two of Marcella's brothers. Other family members were quickly jumping into the verbal fray. There was broken glass on the floor, but no evidence of how this occurred.

The brothers and their various supporters continued to spew venom at each other. Little Doug said the dispute was focused on a missing carburetor. The youngest brother, Jamie had been accused of stealing the object from another brother. Jamie was hotly disputing the other's claim of ownership.

The argument seemed to quell for a few minutes. At least, that's what it seemed like to Little Doug. But Jamie fanned the flames of conflict by murmuring a few disparaging comments about his rival sibling. Suddenly, fists began to fly in every direction. One of Marcella's sisters was in the midst of the fisticuffs. She hit Jamie with a vicious backhand slap.

Suddenly, Marcella unleashed an angry howl and lunged at her sister. Little Doug said he was aghast at her sudden fury.

"She punched her sister right in the left boob," he said with a look of amazement.

***

The dispute quickly grew into a full-scale brawl. Within seconds, it migrated into the livingroom. Marcella's father awoke groggily from his prone position on the couch. This was after someone fell heavily on his outstretched feet. Nevertheless, Little Doug said there was little opportunity to be introduced to him.

After repeated shouts to do so, someone placed an emergency call to the peelers. Little Doug thought it was Marcella's mother who made the call.

"She seemed like a decent woman, I must say," he added graciously.

Little Doug had no desire to be present when the peelers arrived. He said he had seen enough shenanigans in front of Burning Manor to remain at the party. He quickly grabbed his coat and navigated his way through the throng of Marcella's embattled family. He did not pause to announce his departure to Marcella.

She was otherwise engaged in a tortuous hair-pulling contest with her older sister.

***

Little Doug said he could understand that Marcella has a crazy family. "Lots of people have crazy families," he offered thoughtfully.

"Besides, I've already got my own crazy family," he added, looking at Weed with a grin. "I've got no room for another one."

***

Everyone agreed that it was a shame about Marcella and her crazy family.

"Now you know why she'd rather be fishing," Oscar observed.

"Families," Computer Doug said philosophically, "You don't get to pick them."

"True enough," Oscar replied.

***

Weed thought Computer Doug's comment about picking one's family was intriguing. He quickly outlined one of his patented ideas for the betterment of mankind.

Every ten years, after the age of twenty-one, a family could vote to expel one of its members. The estranged family member would then be eligible to be picked up by another family. Of course, as Weed explained it, the person would have to "clean up his act," if he had any hope of catching on with a new family.

While Weed believed that most people would vote to keep their families intact, he said his idea would also allow a sane family member to escape from his own crazy clan.

"Everyone would also have the right to resign from their existing family and join up with a sane one," he explained.

***

Oscar thought Weed's idea was a good one. He said it could be structured like a draft of players in professional sports. If Marcella, for example, did well in the draft lottery, she could select a new brother with her first-round draft choice.

"Or even a new dad," Computer Doug interjected.

Weed, of course, thought Oscar's vision of his patented plan was preposterous. "Now, you're just talking crazy," he said hotly.

***

Oscar and Weed began to debate the details of Weed's latest plan for the betterment of mankind. This is how our show usually reaches its conclusion.

Amidst their inane banter, Little Doug told me he wasn't too upset about the end of his dalliance with Marcella. He said it was fun while it lasted. It had also given him the confidence to continue dating in the future.

Little Doug also admitted that he was quite enthralled by the woman with the eye-patch, he met at Marcella's family party. Apparently, she's a friend of one of Marcella's three sisters. Recently divorced, she works at a local grocery store. According to Little Doug, she is also fond of fishing. He didn't say if she had the bumper sticker to prove it.

Although he normally shops at a competing grocery store, Little Doug said he's planning to shift his food dollars to the woman's place of employment. This will be the only way he can discover whether she's actually missing her left eyeball. Apparently, Little Doug's uncle lost his eye as young man. It occurred during a vicious street fight. Unfortunately, his uncle was prone to removing his prosthetic eye during family gatherings.

"That always freaked me out when I was a kid," Little Doug said with a slight shudder.

***

Even if it turns out that the woman is missing her eyeball, Little Doug said he wouldn't rule out asking her out on a date. He said he could imagine getting used to it over time, especially if she was a very nice person.

"As long she didn't pull her eye out at parties, I could probably deal with it," he said seriously.

More than anything, Little Doug said he would only expect one thing from a potential one-eyed dating partner.

"She could be missing an eyeball," he announced firmly, "but she couldn't have a crazy family."

***