That's Amazing

Last Friday, at eleven o'clock in the morning, a giant prehistoric pterodactyl flew over the Sack. Perched on the pterodactyl's back was a chimpanzee. The chimp was wearing a purple tuxedo.

Sack residents slowly emerged from their homes as the behemoth and it's primate pilot cast a dark shadow over the neighbourhood. People stood cautiously on their front porches and stared at the amazing sight above them.

The pterodactyl made a tight turn and then flew straight up the street at a very low altitude. The chimpanzee was squawking angrily. As the giant reptile flew past the houses, the chimp started to throw small, white objects at the assembly of residents. These turned out to be marshmallows.

After one more turn through the Sack, the pterodactyl soared upwards with a powerful thrust. Within seconds, the creature and its tuxedo-clad pilot were mere dots in the eastern sky.

It was the second most amazing thing that happened in the Sack that day.

***

The most amazing event took place several hours later. It caused Sack residents to forget all about the pterodactyl and the chimpanzee. Later, however, a few people still vaguely recalled the marshmallows.

The amazing thing was this: Maxwell, Britney Bitterman's beau, has found himself a full-time job.

***

Maxwell, of course, has been intentionally unemployed for most of his adult life. News of his full-time job would've been taken with a grain of salt, if trustworthy eyes had not confirmed the matter.

That's exactly what took place in the Sack early in the afternoon on that same Friday.

***

Weed is the Sack's official Maxwell correspondent. He works at a call centre adjacent to the local shopping mall. The corporate office of Cutlass Supreme Painting, Maxwell's ill-fated commercial painting business, is located in the mall's food court. It occupies a table immediately across from a booth that sells Chinese fast food.

One would expect that Weed would've broken the news about Maxwell's full-time job. But it was Oscar who found out about the matter first. Computer Doug was also a witness to this most momentous occasion. Your agent was there, too.

***

Ironically, Computer Doug is currently unemployed. He was laid off from his computer-related job several weeks ago. Since then, he has been spending a fair amount of his time with Oscar.

Oscar said he was very disappointed that Weed hadn't learned about such a significant event in Maxwell's life. He said this wasn't what one would expect from an official correspondent. Later, he told Weed that a letter of admonishment would be placed on his employment file.

"Fill your boots," Weed would reply.

***

Friday is garbage day in the Sack.

Oscar and Computer Doug were convening on Oscar's driveway when the old town's waste management professionals drove into the Sack. Your agent, buoyed by a free afternoon, had just joined them. We were discussing the details of a late luncheon somewhere in the downtown quarter.

As we debated the merits of several restaurants, the garbage truck neared the Sack's centre circle. That's when Oscar spied Maxwell leaping from the back of the truck to collect the green garbage bags in front of Rental Doug's house.

Maxwell, it seems, has joined the ranks of the old town's waste management professionals.

***

As the truck neared Oscar's driveway, Maxwell gave us a broad smile and a hearty greeting.

He was wearing a pair of dark blue overalls and an orange safety vest. On his feet were a pair of white Nike sneakers. Oscar said he was sure it was the same pair Maxwell had purloined last month from one of the Sack's overhead power lines.

Maxwell was also wearing his customary Montreal Canadiens baseball cap.

***

As he told us about his new full-time job, Maxwell was simply beaming with pride. He also appeared to be very stoned.

According to Maxwell, his cousin had recently been promoted to assistant crew chief within the ranks of the waste management profession. Apparently, this provided him with input into hiring decisions.

This particular cousin should not be confused with the one who owns the coveted 1993 Cutlass Supreme, the namesake of Maxwell's painting business. It wasn't the cousin whose friends are always on the cusp of giving Maxwell a primo painting gig, either.

This was a different cousin altogether.

***

Maxwell said he was enjoying his new job very much. He started on the previous Monday. So far, he had only missed one day of work. That was on Wednesday, when he woke up with a killer stomach flu.

Maxwell said he spent the whole day "on the throne."

But with almost four days under his belt, Maxwell felt certain that he would excel in his new position. In fact, it would only be a matter of time before he became assistant crew chief. Apparently, his cousin will surely be promoted again, very soon. After all, he plays on the same hockey team as one of the big bosses. When his cousin becomes a crew chief, Maxwell will certainly take over in the number two position.

Within a year, Maxwell said he would undoubtedly have his own crew of waste management professionals.

***

People have the impression that waste management professionals have a very mundane occupation. On the contrary, Maxwell said something new happens every day. So far, he had scored an old ghetto blaster, a kid's hockey net and a NASCAR windbreaker. These items, according to Maxwell, had been foolishly cast to the curb by old town residents.

"And don't get me started on the chicks you can meet in this job," Maxwell added with a big smile.

"Most people don't even think about that."

***

Now that he has a full-time job, Maxwell has some big plans for his coming prosperity. With his first pay cheque, he's planning to get a tattoo on his back. He said it will show the image of his two children.

"It's gonna cost me about three hundred bucks," he said with pride, "but it's worth every penny."

Maxwell, of course, is the father of Baby Maybe. Britney Bitterman is the wee lad's mother. Maxwell also has a six-year-old son from a previous relationship. Neither woman has seen much in the way of child support.

***

Thankfully, Britney Bitterman seems to figure prominently in Maxwell's vision for the future. He said he would probably buy a house for the three of them within the next few months.

Apparently, Maxwell's "step-grandmother" is ninety-two years-old and wants to get rid of her house. She's planning to give him the property for less than half of its market value. He said he wouldn't even have to make a down payment, either. Given her advanced age, he said she doesn't really care about money anymore.

"What are you gonna buy when you're ninety-two, eh? Maxwell said, holding his hands out for emphasis.

***

So, from Maxwell's perspective, everything seems to be coming up roses. He has a full-time job that brings the promise of random, no-cost treasure and a biweekly pay cheque. There is also the promise of a house for himself, Britney Bitterman and young Baby Maybe.

But what about Cutlass Supreme Painting?

Maxwell grinned and nodded his head with certainty when the matter was raised. He said the company would operate on weekends and evenings. In fact, he already had several painting gigs lined up.

"Ching, ching," he added with a gap-tooth grin.

***

About five minutes had passed as Maxwell stood talking on Oscar's driveway. The garbage truck had stopped and was idling in front of Big Doug's house.

Maxwell's co-workers were leaning against the side of the vehicle. All three men were smoking. "I'm pretty sure," Oscar said later, "they were only smoking cigarettes."

Finally, one of the men pushed his weight off the truck and called out to Maxwell:

"Hey, moron!" the man yelled. "Let's go."

Maxwell gave the man a brief wave and then started to make his exit. "That's my cousin Doug," he said with pride.

"Doug?" Oscar replied.

Maxwell nodded and then started off toward the garbage truck. There was a pair of work gloves in his back pocket. When he was about ten feet away, he turned back to us and pointed toward a nearby driveway.

"Hey," he called out, "so where did all the marshmallows come from?"

***