Worry Wart

Britain's Prince Charles is known for his views on modern architecture and urban planning. Recently, he took dead aim at the lowly cul-de-sac.

Oscar says he has no problem with Charles' position on the matter. In fact, he said he would be happy to see the Sack reconstructed into a regular street.

He said, "All we would need to do is run a bulldozer through Gordon's house and extend the street until it intersected with another one."

If my sense of geography is correct, this would eventually connect the Sack directly to Pleasant Street. This particular street, of course, is a sworn enemy to a number of Sack residents, especially Oscar.

I said this sounded like a fantastic idea.

***

Florence, the Wonders' next-door neighbour, has gone to Cuba with some friends.

As usual, she asked your agent and Mrs. Wonders to keep an eye on her home. Her house keys are now sitting on a table near our front door.

This is a big responsibility.

***

In many ways, looking after Florence's house is a simple matter. Pop in every other day to make sure nothing has burst or flooded. If the temperature drops, adjust the heat so the pipes won't freeze. Pick up the accumulation of newspapers on the front porch and put out the compost bin on Friday.

It's all straightforward stuff.

Nevertheless, I worry that Florence's house might burn down on my watch. It wouldn't matter if it was my fault or not. It would still be a very awkward situation.

Of course, it's highly unlikely that any harm will come to Florence's home during her absence. But it could happen. That's what makes it such a big responsibility.

***

I am always very relieved when Florence comes home from a trip. I'm relieved that her house hasn't burned down.

On those days, I am particularly lighthearted.

When Florence returns to pick up her keys, she'll have no idea about my sense of relief. First, she'll ask if everything was okay during her absence. I always reply with a look that's both confident and nonchalant.

"Everything was cool," I'll say in a casual tone.

When Florence expresses her appreciation, I'll wave dismissively and reply:

"It was no sweat."

***

But I do sweat. I have enough on my hands making sure our own house doesn't burn down. A second house just adds to the sweat exponentially.

Sometimes I think it would be better if our house burnt down during Florence's trip, rather than hers. At least, it wouldn't be so awkward if that happened.

Sometimes I deal with tragedy better than I do awkwardness.

Of course, it isn't long before I worry that both houses could burn down while Florence is away. That would be tragic and awkward.

I don't think I could deal with that.

***

I've considered subcontracting the job of looking after Florence's house to Little Doug. There is no doubt that he would agree to do it. Little Doug will do just about anything for anybody.

"That's just the way I am," he told me once.

Little Doug is very good at home maintenance. When he looks around a house, he can see things I can't. He can probably do this better than most people.

Of course, Little Doug might forget to check in on Florence's house. In addition to his eye for home maintenance matters, he's also very good at forgetting about things. He is also very proficient at falling from ladders. But that's hardly relevant here.

In the end, after subcontracting the job to Little Doug, I would still be sweating about Florence's house burning down. If it happened then, it would be even more awkward.

***

I could also ask Oscar to keep an eye on Florence's house. I know for certain that he wouldn't forget to do it.

Oscar would take the responsibility very seriously. He would spend several hours a day watching television in the serenity of Florence's comfortable living room. That's what he does when he looks after the Wonders' home.

But if Oscar looked after Florence's place, I'd be worried that he wouldn't pay any attention to the required activities involved in its care. He would be too busy watching television. As long as nothing happened while he was there, Oscar would consider that everything was under control.

Either way, I'd still be sweating.

***

Responsibility can weigh heavily on one's shoulders. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have no responsibilities at all. But it's hard to get a clear picture of this. Maybe it's impossible to have no responsibilities at all.

Of course, most of us face the same kinds of responsibilities every day. We get up to go to work or school. We look after our basic needs and even those of others. There are also bills to pay and various possessions to keep in working order.

But people take on their own unique responsibilities, as well. Little Doug, for example, feels responsible for helping anyone who needs a hand with repairs. It doesn't matter whether he forgets to do it or not. He still feels responsible for helping.

Big Doug is conscientious about timely and efficient snow removal. He has this same sense of responsibility about lawn maintenance. In his eyes, it's just something that must be done. There are no two ways about it.

Gordon, on the other hand, feels responsible for the Sack's safety, security and sense of decorum. It would seem impossible for him to ignore these matters.

"It's just the way I am," he told me once.

***

Oscar would argue that Rental Doug is responsible for assisting the Devil in rolling out plans for the Apocalypse. Even though Rental Doug has been nothing but a model Sack resident, Oscar would say that deception is simply part of this responsibility.

Weed, on the other hand, would point to Jeff Christ's responsibility to be at the forefront of the Second Coming.

"If you want to talk about pressure," I can hear Weed say, "try carrying that around on your shoulders."

***

Florence has been gone now for almost forty-eight hours. There are still about a hundred and twenty hours before she comes home. Hopefully, her house won't burn down during this remaining time.

The first forty-eight hours have been relatively uneventful. So far, nothing has burst, flooded or exploded. Newspapers have been cleared from the front step and the doors have been secured.

Yesterday, I took a brief walk around the outside of Florence's house. Gordon told me that it's a good idea to do a "perimeter check" whenever one is caring for someone else's home. I prefer to call it a brief walk, instead of a perimeter check. The latter term only increases my sense of responsibility.

When I reached Florence's backyard, I was startled to find seven-year-old Doo sitting on the steps leading to her back deck. He was holding a hockey stick protectively in front of him.

It took me a few seconds to recognize the lad. His hair had been dyed a brilliant shade of orange. Smudges of dye were also visible on the skin near his ears. This gave the impression of sideburns.

Doo told me his mom allowed him to have his hair dyed for the duration of next week's March school break.

***

"What are you doing back here?" I asked Doo with authority. It was the tone of voice I reserve for moments of great responsibility.

"Florence went to Cooba," he replied. "No kids are allowed back here."

It was at this moment I noticed that Doo's front tooth was badly chipped. Momentarily, I forgot about my sense of responsibility.

"What happened to your tooth?"

"I fell off my bike."

"Ouch. Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Well, that's good."

A brief silence followed and then I said, "So, if no kids are allowed back here, what are you doing?"

"I'm in charge of Florence's house while she's in Cooba." Doo replied with his own sense of authority. "No kids are allowed to play here. Florence asked me to make sure."

"Well," I answered, taking a brief glance around the yard, "it looks like you're doing a good job."

***

Just before I left Doo to his sentry duties, I asked him one more question.

"Can you do me a favour?" Doo nodded agreeably.

"Make sure nobody burns Florence's house down while she's in Cuba, okay?"

Doo smiled, his prominent chipped tooth glinting in the sunlight.

"Okay, I'll make sure."

"Excellent," I replied.

Already, I could feel a sense of lightheartedness returning to my soul.

***