Legends of the Fall

"A reputed crack dealer was walking down the street on a hot summer day. A street cleaning machine passed by him as he ambled along the sidewalk. Somehow, the crack dealer tripped and fell into the path of the street cleaning machine. He was killed instantly."

The above scenario comes from the irony file located in the deep cabinets of Weed's fertile imagination.

***

Dora is proving to be very good at being on the lam.

This, of course, was Oscar's assessment. His pontificating on the matter took place during last week's show in the Wonders' front room.

About seven weeks have passed since Dora failed to appear in court for a sentencing hearing. Sack observers say she had been found guilty of assaulting another woman during some shenanigans at a local tavern. A period of probation was expected to be the outcome of the affair.

Nevertheless, Dora chose to go on the lam.

***

Weed, on the other hand, took a more discerning view of Dora's time on the lam. It's possible, he argued, that the peelers aren't trying very hard to find her. He thinks the peelers took some immediate interest in her whereabouts, but then quickly moved onto more urgent matters.

"They might get back to looking for her when their workload drops or when they need to pump up their arrest stats," he said with authority.

Weed is a big fan of The Wire.

***

Even though the peelers may not be concerned with her whereabouts, Weed admits that he's impressed by Dora's style. According to Norma, Dora made an appearance at last week's Tuesday night bingo.

"Dora went to bingo while she's on the lam," Weed said, with obvious respect in his voice. "That's either very stupid or very, very cool."

Norma said Dora was her usual rambunctious self during the bingo night. Although her voice was very hoarse, it didn't stop Dora from ranting and raving about a variety of inane subjects. Apparently she was seated at a table quite close to Norma's and was very disruptive to surrounding bingo players.

"Everybody wanted to tell her to shut her cake-hole," Norma said demurely.

It should be no surprise that Dora's fellow bingo players held their collective tongues. Dora bites.

***

Dirk, on the other hand, seems to be settling into a relatively quiet existence. Of course, he has continued to enjoy periods of socialization with the infamous friends of Burning Manor.

Last weekend, during the middle of our show, a one-armed man came to visit Dirk at Burning Manor. Using his remaining arm, he retrieved a large case of beer from the trunk of his car.

Maxwell, Britney Bitterman's beau, has a one-armed uncle named Ted. Oscar wondered if the two men were one and the same. He didn't think the old town boasts very many one-armed men, so the odds would be very good that Maxwell's Uncle Ted was a bonafide friend of Burning Manor.

Weed, of course, thought Oscar's comments were preposterous. In fact, he accused Oscar of being "disabilist" for this view of people with physical impairments and one-armed men in particular.

"Just because you know a single one-armed man doesn't mean you know them all," he argued.

***

From my own perspective, I remain doubtful that Uncle Ted is the same one-armed man who paid a visit to Burning Manor.

According to Maxwell, Uncle Ted is a legendary candlepin bowling champion. Dirk's visitor was a rather dishevelled character, who, despite a rather slender figure, possessed an enormous stomach. A cigarette was clenched in his teeth and he seemed to have a bit of a hitch in his gait. Of course, the hitch might've had something to do with the case of beer carried by his remaining arm.

Either way, the dude didn't look like a legendary candlepin bowling champion.

***

Accompanying Dirk's one-armed visitor was a spectacularly obese, middle-aged woman. She was carrying her own of case of beer. Oscar thought she looked vaguely Italian.

As the one-armed man and his obese companion neared the top of Dirk's driveway, they encountered some slippery, icy terrain. Since Dirk continues to be away for three-week periods at his job on an oil rig, his snow removal efforts are sporadic. As a result, a solid layer of ice covers the upper part of his driveway and the entry to Burning Manor's front steps.

The two visitors had to negotiate an incline as they reached the top of Dirk's driveway. For a brief moment, both came to a standstill as the ice prevented them from moving forward.

The one-armed man was ahead of his female companion on the driveway. Suddenly, he started to slide backwards. The obese woman gave out a yelp and blocked him from sliding further. Both remained upright and made corrections to their stances as if they were perched on a circus high wire.

For a few more seconds, they stood frozen in place before continuing their ascent toward the top of Burning Manor's driveway.

***

The one-armed man took several frail and uncertain steps on the icy driveway. Then he came to a stop again and tried to restore his equilibrium. His obese companion did the same.

Then he took one more step forward. This time, he lost his balance completely and started to fall backwards. The obese woman was in the midst of taking her own step forward and was unprepared for his fall. He careened into her, causing her to lose her own footing. Their respective beer cases fell with a thud on the icy driveway. The one-armed man's cigarette flew from his mouth in a shower of fiery sparks.

The obese woman hit the ground first. The one-armed man's landing was cushioned by her ample girth. Oscar said it was the funniest thing he had seen in a very long time.

***

The Burning Manor visitors lay prone on the icy driveway for a few moments. While we debated whether they might require our assistance, the one-armed man managed to get to his feet. His female companion remained on her back like a turtle thrown on the back of its shell.

As the one-armed man laboured to pull her upright, Dirk emerged from Burning Manor. He was wearing a sweatshirt, flannel boxer shorts and a pair of work boots.

The two men succeeded in bringing the obese woman to a sitting position, but several attempts to bring her to a standing position were in vain.

That's when Dirk picked up one of the beer cases and disappeared into Burning Manor.

***

Dirk reemerged from Burning Manor a few seconds later. He paused at the doorway and took a quick look around the Sack. Then he started down his front steps to assist his visitors again.

A few steps behind him was Dora.

Dora was wearing a pink, hooded sweatsuit and a pair of winter boots. The hood was pulled over her head and the peak of a baseball cap was visible under its cover. She made a few tentative glances around the Sack and then joined Dirk and the one-armed man in lifting the obese woman to her feet.

Eventually, they managed to escort her and the one-armed man into Burning Manor. Dirk returned to the driveway and collected the remaining beer case.

***

The show concluded with a raucous debate on whether the peelers should be notified of Dora's clandestine return to Burning Manor.

Oscar felt that we had a moral and civic responsibility to see her brought to justice. From his perspective, he said, "We're either part of the problem or we're part of the solution."

Weed, on the other hand, felt we should mind our own beeswax. When someone is on the lam like Dora, he said we should let nature take its course. Besides, Weed argued, "This is a matter between the peelers and Dora."

Your agent, of course, remains without a definitive opinion on the matter. I can certainly see both sides of the coin. The only thing that seems certain is that Dora's adventures on the lam provide an entertaining diversion during the dark days of late winter.

***