The Nutcracker

An important meeting to determine the 2008 winner of the Sack's Doug of the Year (DOTY) award was convened at Oscar's house today. This annual matter is always decided following his Boxing Day brunch.

Various amounts of champagne and orange juice are consumed by the judging panel during the deliberations. After furious and often inane debate, the DOTY winner is unanimously declared.

We'll tell you more about the outcome of the affair in our next posting. But first, here's a report about a Christmas Day encounter with Computer Doug.

***

It was Christmas Day in the Sack. The street was crowded with illegally parked cars. These belonged to friends and family of various Sack residents.

During mid-afternoon, your agent wandered outside to put some cardboard in the composting bin. It was a bright, sunny day, although there was a slight chill in the air. As if by request, the recent spate of horrid winter weather had dissipated in time for the holiday.

Returning from the side of the Wonders' house, I encountered Computer Doug as he walked out his front door. He was armed with his own supply of cardboard intended for the recycling bin.

Computer Doug was unshaven and he looked tired. His hair was wildly askew. He wore a faded baby-blue T-shirt and a pair of worn pajama bottoms. On his feet were his legendary bear-claw slippers.

In contrast, your agent was clad in a sleek, black turtleneck sweater and a stylish black toque. Both were Christmas gifts from Mrs. Wonders and the venerable Mr. Claus.

Computer Doug put his load of cardboard down and approached your agent for a chat.

***

We exchanged Christmas greetings and asked about each other's welfare. Computer Doug said his Christmas Day was unfolding as expected.

His two young boys had been up at the crack of dawn. Their living room now looked like the scene of a recent riot. The kitchen was awash in breakfast dishes and preparations for Christmas dinner. A small army of his wife, Marion's family was expected to arrive within the hour. Efforts to restore the house to order had just begun.

"Aside from that," said Computer Doug dryly, "everything is going great."

***

Computer Doug admired your agent's new garb. I told him it was the latest in casual wear for the man who puts out his garbage in style. He looked down at his own bedraggled appearance and chuckled.

"I don't think I'll get many points for style right now, eh?" he said with a smile.

"No," I replied, nodding at his pajama bottoms and bear-claw slippers, "I think you've still got last year's look."

Computer Doug shook his head and said, "That's the story of my life."

***

Computer Doug said he received some fine Christmas gifts this year. His best was a DVD boxed set of a favourite television show. He received it from his wife, Marion.

Marion also provided him with his oddest gift. It was a ninety-six-piece socket set. According to Computer Doug, it included sockets for both Imperial and metric measurements.

"That's impressive," your agent replied.

Computer Doug sighed and said, "I suppose so."

***

Computer Doug, of course, has no capacity for mechanical or home maintenance affairs. As an area of interest, such matters don't appear on his radar screen. He has as much use for a socket set as he would for a bad headache.

Despite this, Computer Doug acknowledged his gratitude for Marion's gift. On such occasions, he knew it was the thought that counted most. He did, however, express his opinion regarding her intentions behind the gift.

"I think she's trying to encourage me," he said flatly.

***

Rental Doug's new socket set came in its own attractive case. He said the whole package looks very impressive. At the risk of disturbing its orderly appearance, he had yet to remove it from the packaging.

Of course, there remains a good chance that Computer Doug's socket set will remain unopened. He said he had been trying to think of circumstances where he might make use of it. So far, nothing had come to mind.

At the same time, he wasn't too concerned about needing it. "A socket set is no good to you, if you don't own a socket wrench. I don't think Marion knows that."

***

Computer Doug had only recently obtained his own understanding of socket wrenches. He called Little Doug earlier in the day to discuss the matter. Little Doug, of course, performs almost all of Computer Doug's home maintenance. He fulfills the same role on Oscar's behalf. Your agent has also employed his generous skills on a few occasions.

Little Doug was happy to explain the purpose of a socket wrench. He also offered the use of his own socket wrenches, if the need arose. Apparently, Computer Doug had no idea about such things.

"I now have the capacity to loosen and tighten nuts and bolts," he said with authority.

Despite some deep thought, however, Computer Doug still couldn't imagine a single nut or bolt in his possession that required such attention.

"If you ever have any nut or bolt issues," he said kindly, "I'll be happy to loan you my socket set." I nodded my appreciation and said I would keep his offer in mind.

"But, if you do need it," he added, "you'll have to borrow a socket wrench from Little Doug."

I said I would keep that in mind, as well.

***

As we continued to chat in the pleasant sunshine, Marion's head suddenly appeared from behind their door. She asked her husband if he planned to stay outside for much longer. Their guests, she said politely, were less than forty minutes from their arrival for the Christmas festivities. Apparently, there was still of plenty of work to be done in the house.

Computer Doug said a quick apology to Marion and said he would be inside in just a few more seconds. When she disappeared back into the house, he returned to the subject of his new socket set.

"You know," he said in whispered voice, "if I had given her a new ironing board for Christmas, I'd never hear the end of it."

As he prepared to gather up his cardboard, Computer Doug looked at me and added, "I've made it through my entire life so far without owning a socket set."

Then he picked up his load of cardboard and shuffled off toward his compost bin.

And that, my friends, was the nuts and bolts of my Christmas Day conversation with Computer Doug.

***