It's a frigid place right now.
Oscar says the neighbourhood looks increasingly like a remote village in the high Arctic. He says it won't be long before we're getting around in snowmobiles, rather than cars. Weed, on the other hand, likens it to the planet Krypton as shown in the first "Superman" movie. Despite threats of global warming, he says we're really on our way to a new ice age.
Both observations, of course, are a little over the top.
Big Doug seems to be more level headed about the matter. When your agent encountered him the other day, he captured the essence of the weather in a single sentence. He also offered a note of optimism.
"It's a freeze-your-arse-off kind of winter," he said plainly. "It'll pass."
***
Oscar, Weed and your agent made plans for an outing to the local coffee cathedral. It was a Wednesday afternoon.Oscar was in the midst of his workday. This meant he had nothing better to do but venture out for coffee. Weed, on the other hand, was on his third official day of unemployment.
So far, Weed said his unemployment experience was going swimmingly. He was slowly erasing his "personal sleep deficit". Apparently, this is your accumulation of lost sleep hours over a lifetime.
Weed says he's determined to get what's owing to him.
***
In addition to some severance pay, Weed says he has ample employment insurance to cover him over the next twelve months. He's targeting September as the time to locate a new job. In the meantime, he's going to chip away at his sleep deficit.
This is probably a good idea, too. Starting in June, Weed's going to be at home with his three-year-old son, Baby Doug. He'll be a stay-at-home dad throughout the summer.
Oscar says Weed's going to need all the sleep he can get. He could be right about this.
This is probably a good idea, too. Starting in June, Weed's going to be at home with his three-year-old son, Baby Doug. He'll be a stay-at-home dad throughout the summer.
Oscar says Weed's going to need all the sleep he can get. He could be right about this.
***
Weed said the opportunity to take a job like Oscar's would be the only reason he might stray from his current plan.
This was the third consecutive day they would go to the local coffee cathedral for an extended period. So far, Weed hadn't seen any evidence that Oscar had lifted a finger toward anything work related. In fact, the pair had enjoyed a two-hour breakfast at a local diner on the previous morning.
"I could ace a job like that," said Weed.
This was the third consecutive day they would go to the local coffee cathedral for an extended period. So far, Weed hadn't seen any evidence that Oscar had lifted a finger toward anything work related. In fact, the pair had enjoyed a two-hour breakfast at a local diner on the previous morning.
"I could ace a job like that," said Weed.
***
Your agent was present at the daytime trip to the local coffee cathedral on account of a "mental health day" away from work. Apparently, I'm entitled to such a day every year.
The fiscal year, of course is drawing to a close. If I didn't take the day off soon, I'd lose it. By "lose it," of course, I'm referring to my mental health day, not my mental health. I might live in a frozen suburban cul-de-sac, but I haven't slipped into the abyss quite yet.
Touch wood.
The fiscal year, of course is drawing to a close. If I didn't take the day off soon, I'd lose it. By "lose it," of course, I'm referring to my mental health day, not my mental health. I might live in a frozen suburban cul-de-sac, but I haven't slipped into the abyss quite yet.
Touch wood.
***
We walked past Gordon's house on the way to the local coffee cathedral. His longish, sloping lawn was covered in a smooth layer of frozen snow.
"It looks like a perfect sheet of ice," Oscar remarked. "You could walk right up to Gordon's front window like you're walking on pavement."
"Nah," said Weed, "you'd wipe out before you got there."
This reply, of course, ignited a fierce debate about whether one could walk up Gordon's ice covered lawn without falling. This was also how it was decided that an actual race should ensue. The three of us would compete against each other.
The idea was to race from the bottom of Gordon's lawn up to his front windows and then back toward the snowbank at street level. The loser would spring for coffee and a round of maple sugar donuts.
"It looks like a perfect sheet of ice," Oscar remarked. "You could walk right up to Gordon's front window like you're walking on pavement."
"Nah," said Weed, "you'd wipe out before you got there."
This reply, of course, ignited a fierce debate about whether one could walk up Gordon's ice covered lawn without falling. This was also how it was decided that an actual race should ensue. The three of us would compete against each other.
The idea was to race from the bottom of Gordon's lawn up to his front windows and then back toward the snowbank at street level. The loser would spring for coffee and a round of maple sugar donuts.
***
Even though Gordon's lawn was ice covered, there was a much thicker level of brittle snow underneath it.
Your agent and Weed had almost reached the house when Oscar legs plunged through the ice and into the deep snow. He was encased in Gordon's lawn right up to his crotch. Later, he would blame the plunge on the excess weight of his man boobs.
On the race back from Gordon's front windows, Weed suffered the same fate. Your agent's slight frame turned out to be a key advantage.
I won the Sack's first-ever race across Gordon's ice lawn.
Your agent and Weed had almost reached the house when Oscar legs plunged through the ice and into the deep snow. He was encased in Gordon's lawn right up to his crotch. Later, he would blame the plunge on the excess weight of his man boobs.
On the race back from Gordon's front windows, Weed suffered the same fate. Your agent's slight frame turned out to be a key advantage.
I won the Sack's first-ever race across Gordon's ice lawn.
***
Oscar had already extricated himself from the snow when Weed broke through its icy cover. He left two deep leg holes behind him as he laughed at Weed's predicament.
It took Weed a minute or so to free his first leg from the snow. He had to lie back on the ice to free his other one. Eventually, his other foot rose successfully in the air. Unfortunately, it was shoeless.
"I lost my sneaker," said Weed with dismay. With some effort, he retrieved it from the three-foot hole on Gordon's snow covered lawn.
Eventually, we reconvened on the street. There were now two distinct pairs of holes in evidence on Gordon's property. There was also a line of footprints leading to his front windows and then back again.
"That's going to drive Gordon crazy," said Weed. "He's going to think that Inuit terrorists are after him, or something like that."
"You've got that right," replied your agent. "Or maybe, giant raccoons."
Oscar nodded his agreement. "Then I don't mind buying the coffee and donuts. It's money well spent."
It took Weed a minute or so to free his first leg from the snow. He had to lie back on the ice to free his other one. Eventually, his other foot rose successfully in the air. Unfortunately, it was shoeless.
"I lost my sneaker," said Weed with dismay. With some effort, he retrieved it from the three-foot hole on Gordon's snow covered lawn.
Eventually, we reconvened on the street. There were now two distinct pairs of holes in evidence on Gordon's property. There was also a line of footprints leading to his front windows and then back again.
"That's going to drive Gordon crazy," said Weed. "He's going to think that Inuit terrorists are after him, or something like that."
"You've got that right," replied your agent. "Or maybe, giant raccoons."
Oscar nodded his agreement. "Then I don't mind buying the coffee and donuts. It's money well spent."
***
On the way to the local coffee cathedral, another dispute erupted. Oscar suddenly turned to Weed and said:
"What did you mean when you said, I lost my sneaker back there?"
Weed looked perplexed. "What do you mean?" he asked.
Oscar smirked and said, "You said sneaker. That's the American term. You meant to say running shoe. That's the Canadian term. We've always said running shoe."
"No," said Weed flatly, "I meant to say sneaker. That's what it is."
Oscar looked indignant. "That might be what you think. But you should be saying running shoe." He wagged his finger at Weed and added, "You, my friend, are watching too much American TV."
"Get out of town," Weed retorted, "I watch CBC all the time."
"Yeah," said Oscar dismissively, "just to watch the hockey games."
Weed bristled and added, "And I listen to CBC radio in the car all the time."
"Right," said Oscar, "just to get the hockey scores."
And so it went from there. The pair argued about the matter all the way to the coffee cathedral. They were still going at it while we waited to place our order.
I thought a mental health day was supposed to be good for you.
"What did you mean when you said, I lost my sneaker back there?"
Weed looked perplexed. "What do you mean?" he asked.
Oscar smirked and said, "You said sneaker. That's the American term. You meant to say running shoe. That's the Canadian term. We've always said running shoe."
"No," said Weed flatly, "I meant to say sneaker. That's what it is."
Oscar looked indignant. "That might be what you think. But you should be saying running shoe." He wagged his finger at Weed and added, "You, my friend, are watching too much American TV."
"Get out of town," Weed retorted, "I watch CBC all the time."
"Yeah," said Oscar dismissively, "just to watch the hockey games."
Weed bristled and added, "And I listen to CBC radio in the car all the time."
"Right," said Oscar, "just to get the hockey scores."
And so it went from there. The pair argued about the matter all the way to the coffee cathedral. They were still going at it while we waited to place our order.
***
My mental health day had so far yielded a race across Gordon's icy lawn, casual involvement in a debate about the linguist merits of sneaker and running shoe and finally, a discussion on the erosion of Canadian culture caused by the preponderance of American media.I thought a mental health day was supposed to be good for you.
***
Later that day, I decided to chip away some of the ice on the Wonders' driveway. Despite our best efforts, we haven't been able to shovel some of the snow before it froze.
As I toiled mindlessly at this task, Computer Doug emerged from his house.
Computer Doug, of course, is the most experienced unemployed person in the Sack. He has been without work since early November. That's when his employer went "tits up."
Since before Christmas, Computer Doug has kept a very low profile around the Sack. He rarely seems to venture outdoors. Whenever anyone does catch a glimpse of him, he's dressed in the same attire: A pair of faded pajama bottoms, a bland T-shirt and his trademark bear-claw slippers. His face is usually unshaven, as well.
On this particular occasion, however, Computer Doug was clad in a bright red pair of sweatpants and a yellow pullover. On his feet was a pair of black Wellington boots.
To say the least, it was very peculiar attire.
As I toiled mindlessly at this task, Computer Doug emerged from his house.
Computer Doug, of course, is the most experienced unemployed person in the Sack. He has been without work since early November. That's when his employer went "tits up."
Since before Christmas, Computer Doug has kept a very low profile around the Sack. He rarely seems to venture outdoors. Whenever anyone does catch a glimpse of him, he's dressed in the same attire: A pair of faded pajama bottoms, a bland T-shirt and his trademark bear-claw slippers. His face is usually unshaven, as well.
On this particular occasion, however, Computer Doug was clad in a bright red pair of sweatpants and a yellow pullover. On his feet was a pair of black Wellington boots.
To say the least, it was very peculiar attire.
***
"You must think I'm a fashion disaster," Computer Doug quipped, as I strolled over from the Wonders' driveway. He was standing beside the open door of his car.
"What do you mean?" I replied, feigning ignorance.
"Every time you see me out here, I'm dressed in the first thing I can find." He held his arms out and looked down at his own garb.
"Well," I said slowly, pointing at his feet, "I certainly like your Wellington boots."
"My what?" he replied.
"Your Wellington boots," I said. "That's what those are."
Computer Doug shrugged. "Oh, yeah? I've always called them rubber boots."
"Well, now you can call them Wellingtons, if you like," I said with a grin.
Computer Doug looked at me doubtfully for a moment, before saying, "I'll try to remember that. But I don't wear these very often. I just couldn't find my sneakers.
"What do you mean?" I replied, feigning ignorance.
"Every time you see me out here, I'm dressed in the first thing I can find." He held his arms out and looked down at his own garb.
"Well," I said slowly, pointing at his feet, "I certainly like your Wellington boots."
"My what?" he replied.
"Your Wellington boots," I said. "That's what those are."
Computer Doug shrugged. "Oh, yeah? I've always called them rubber boots."
"Well, now you can call them Wellingtons, if you like," I said with a grin.
Computer Doug looked at me doubtfully for a moment, before saying, "I'll try to remember that. But I don't wear these very often. I just couldn't find my sneakers.
***
We stood beside Computer Doug's car and chatted for a while longer. Apparently, he came outside to search for some lost bananas. He said they might have dropped out of a bag when he returned from the local grocery emporium.
As far as his welfare was concerned, Computer Doug said he was doing reasonably well. He said he had no employment prospects on the horizon, despite a daily online search. When the weather warms up, he planned to become more aggressive in this regard.
When asked how he spends his days, Computer Doug simply shrugged and said, "Most of the time, I just sit around and surf the net all day. And sometimes, I play mindless games on the computer."
"That must get boring after a while," said your agent.
Computer Doug nodded. "Yeah," he replied, "but I'll probably be finished with it soon. I've been on the Internet so much, I think I'm close to the end of it."
As far as his welfare was concerned, Computer Doug said he was doing reasonably well. He said he had no employment prospects on the horizon, despite a daily online search. When the weather warms up, he planned to become more aggressive in this regard.
When asked how he spends his days, Computer Doug simply shrugged and said, "Most of the time, I just sit around and surf the net all day. And sometimes, I play mindless games on the computer."
"That must get boring after a while," said your agent.
Computer Doug nodded. "Yeah," he replied, "but I'll probably be finished with it soon. I've been on the Internet so much, I think I'm close to the end of it."
***
Given the frigid temperature and his flimsy attire, Computer Doug hastened his search for the errant bananas. After a brief search of the car, he pulled a blackened bunch of the things from under the backseat.
"Oh, well," said Computer Doug.
"How long ago did you buy them?" your agent asked.
"About a week ago," he replied. "Finding them has been on my list of things to do."
"I guess you can check that box off now, eh?" I answered.
"I guess so," Computer Doug said, as he closed the car door.
"Oh, well," said Computer Doug.
"How long ago did you buy them?" your agent asked.
"About a week ago," he replied. "Finding them has been on my list of things to do."
"I guess you can check that box off now, eh?" I answered.
"I guess so," Computer Doug said, as he closed the car door.
***
Besides checking the box on his list of things to do, Computer Doug had another reason for locating the bananas. Two weeks ago, he decided to become a vegetarian. Apparently, he's taking a step-by-step approach in this direction.
"So far, I'm off all meat, except chicken," he said with pride.
"That's great," your agent replied. "Does that include fish?"
"Yup," he answered. Then he added, "But I never ate fish anyway. I don't like it."
According to Computer Doug, his step toward vegetarianism is for health reasons. Since becoming unemployed, he said he has gained fifteen pounds. At this, he lifted his yellow pullover and showed me an ample belly.
"See what I mean," he said flatly.
"I get the picture," I replied.
"So far, I'm off all meat, except chicken," he said with pride.
"That's great," your agent replied. "Does that include fish?"
"Yup," he answered. Then he added, "But I never ate fish anyway. I don't like it."
According to Computer Doug, his step toward vegetarianism is for health reasons. Since becoming unemployed, he said he has gained fifteen pounds. At this, he lifted his yellow pullover and showed me an ample belly.
"See what I mean," he said flatly.
"I get the picture," I replied.
***
During his two-week venture toward vegetarianism, Computer Doug said he hadn't lost any weight. In fact, he thinks he might've gained a few pounds.
"I've been eating a lot of chicken," he said with quick smile.
In fact, Computer Doug said he had been eating turkey bacon for breakfast every morning. For lunch, he said he was frequently enjoying some boxed chicken nuggets available from the local grocery emporium.
"Turkey bacon?" I said with a puzzled tone. "I thought you were only eating chicken."
Computer Doug shrugged again and said, "Well, it's still poultry. I'm down to poultry only. By spring, I should be a complete vegetarian."
"That's good," I replied, "I guess the chickens will be happy about that."
"I guess so," he grinned. "Well, I better take a run out and get some new bananas. If I'm gonna get off the chicken, I gotta start eating more fruit."
Computer Doug locked the car door and then moved toward the house to get his coat. As he waved a friendly good-bye, he pointed down at his boots.
"I'm gonna take my Wellington boots off first, though," he said in a formal tone, "and put on my sneakers."
"I've been eating a lot of chicken," he said with quick smile.
In fact, Computer Doug said he had been eating turkey bacon for breakfast every morning. For lunch, he said he was frequently enjoying some boxed chicken nuggets available from the local grocery emporium.
"Turkey bacon?" I said with a puzzled tone. "I thought you were only eating chicken."
Computer Doug shrugged again and said, "Well, it's still poultry. I'm down to poultry only. By spring, I should be a complete vegetarian."
"That's good," I replied, "I guess the chickens will be happy about that."
"I guess so," he grinned. "Well, I better take a run out and get some new bananas. If I'm gonna get off the chicken, I gotta start eating more fruit."
Computer Doug locked the car door and then moved toward the house to get his coat. As he waved a friendly good-bye, he pointed down at his boots.
"I'm gonna take my Wellington boots off first, though," he said in a formal tone, "and put on my sneakers."
***
3 comments:
hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....
Hi, Hapi, I'm hapi that you're Hapi.
Hi, File: Are you trying to sell me something? If so, I'm not hapi about that.
Natasha: I'm glad you enjoy reading Cul de Sac Blues. However, it's not necessary to disrobe on my account. Although I won't be accepting your invitation, I do appreciate your kind offer.
You might want to contact my friends, Hapi, File or Keyword, instead. . . .
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