Loose Ends

As we await the inaugural Sack Residents Association Meeting and Barbeque, we should dispense with an accumulation of mindless drivel from the past week.

***

All things considered, Rental Doug is proving to be a very good neighbour.

He and his wife purchased some large, brightly-coloured potted plants for their front steps. The children from his blended family seem to be well-mannered.

So far, so good.

***

Oscar dismisses my preliminary assessment of Rental Doug. He thinks it’s too early to judge whether Rental Doug is connected to the forces of Satan.

“And,” he adds, “I don’t really like the way he waves. I can’t put my finger on it, yet. But there’s something odd about it.”

I change the subject very quickly.

***

I’m told that young Doo has had a rough week at school.

He had three separate incidents, according to sources close to his mom. At the end of the school week, he received a “Green Form.”

Basically, a “Green Form” means that wee Doo will be in deep doo-doo, if he gets out of line again.

***

Sources say one of the incidents involved “eye-poking.”

I grew up watching The Three Stooges and have yet to poke anyone in the eye on purpose. Perhaps Doo should be introduced to The Stooges. I think Oscar might even have a DVD of theirs at home.

I’ve made a mental note to recommend this to Doo’s mom.

***

We learned something interesting about Mulva, the young Korean woman, this week.

According to Florence, Mulva is enjoying the old town very much. Perhaps, Florence says, even a bit too much.

Apparently, she’s been frequenting the bars and clubs favoured by the university crowd. Florence says Mulva seems to be very good at having fun. She is also adept at sleeping for almost twelve hours after a night on the town. Florence says she has yet to see her in the morning.

I have no trouble with any of this. I’d probably do the same, if I were in Mulva’s shoes.

***

Oscar and I saw Mulva on her way out of The Sack the other night.

When she first arrived in The Sack, Mulva was dressed like a twelve year-old girl. We hardly recognized her this time. Oscar says she even looks “hot.” I have no argument with this assessment.

***

Computer Doug has a new job.

He won’t be traveling as much anymore. Oscar says Computer Doug doesn’t seem to be too happy about the absence of traveling. It means he’ll have to find new ways of avoiding household maintenance activities.

***

Weather forecasters say we are in for a mild winter.

Big Doug mustn’t be aware of this. Or, perhaps, he doesn’t believe the forecast.

He was testing his back-up generator yesterday. He bought it after a nasty winter storm a few years ago. The storm was known locally as “White Juan.”

It was the February after Hurricane Juan. Almost one hundred centimeters of snow fell in twenty-four hours. The Sack was literally filled with snow. Perhaps we will blog about this some time.

Big Doug swore he’d never be without power again. Nor would his truck be trapped in his driveway.

***

So Big Doug is ready for winter action. His generator is in pristine condition. His shovels are clean and sturdy. All that’s missing is snow.

“Bring it on,” says Big Doug.

***

There is no news about Burning Manor to report. Dirk and Dora have not been seen in The Sack.

Elizabeth has been watching carefully for Dirk all week, but to no avail. She has enlisted Gordon to keep his eye out, as well.

Elizabeth wants to “tear a strip off” Dirk for planning to move back to The Sack. She has no interest in speaking with Dora.

Dora bites.

***

Oscar and I continue to deliberate on our strategy for the inaugural Sack Residents Association Meeting and Barbeque scheduled for Saturday.

We will be convening the Friday Night edition of our show tonight. This will be our lead topic.

***

Finally, Little Doug does not have a cracked rib, as first feared. Apparently, he has two broken ribs.

We have invited him to visit the show tonight and tell us more about it. We have promised not to laugh.

***

Political Party

The term, peace, order and good government is a long-held, basic tenet of Canadian society. It's a decent way to approach communal life and, generally speaking, it seems to work.

In The Sack, peace and order are highly valued. We're just not as sure about the good government thing.

***

The unthinkable has happened.

Mrs. Wonders went to lock the screen door last night and found a flyer tucked into the door handle.

The flyer announces the inaugural meeting of a Sack Residents Association. The meeting will be held outdoors on Saturday in the centre of The Sack. A barbeque is planned for after the meeting.

***

The proposed agenda for the meeting is listed on the flyer. Apparently, there are a number of issues affecting folks in The Sack. The agenda lists the following concerns:

• Noise


• Development


• Burning Manor


• Garbage


• Kids


• Parking


• Anything else that pisses you off.

Okay, I made up the last one. But it will likely be addressed at the meeting, anyway.

***

Gordon has been talking about a Residents Association for a long time. Now his plan is being put into action. The contact number on the flyer is Gordon’s.

Oscar and I, of course, are mortified. No good, he says, can come from organizing suburban people.

“They’re gonna make rules.” he says. “That’s the problem.”

***

We agree that an association could only be useful for one thing: To represent The Sack in matters that go on outside The Sack.

Outside matters would include development of adjacent land and its associated noise. And that’s all.

***

Gordon views it differently. So do some other residents. They’d like The Sack to have rules, regulations, standards and norms. They might also want a Sack constitution and a bill of wrongs.

Six months into The Sack’s future: Oscar has not left his house for several days. He had received four Sack Infraction Notices prior to this. He and I are in frequent, frenetic telephone contact.

He received his first infraction for having grass longer than the Residents Association limit. He got the second when he left his empty garbage cans at the curb for too long. The third was related to some uncollected dog poop.

After the third infraction, Oscar began walking about The Sack denouncing “President Gordon” in a loud voice. At the time, he was wearing a bath robe and carrying open drink.

This was how he earned the fourth infraction.

***

Oscar says he doesn’t recall the details of the last infraction. The dog poop, he says, did not come from his dog. He claims he can prove this “in a court of law.”

He refuses to acknowledge the first two infractions.

***

Oscar says he will soon be ready to leave his home again. He is busy planning a Sack Revolution.

He’s still putting the finishing touches on his manifesto.

“There’s a hockey game on tonight.” he whispers. “So the manifesto should be ready by supper time tomorrow.”

***

He asks if I will be his lieutenant in the struggle against the Residents Association.

I reply that I will gladly walk beside him. We will unite in the good fight.

But I have to work late tomorrow, I say, and Mrs. Wonders and I have a few things to do after that. When I’m finished, I utter confidently, he can depend on me.

***

So The Sack Residents Association Meeting and Barbeque will be held on Saturday. Oscar and I plan to attend.

Oscar thinks we have the chance to become “suburban anarchists”. If we infiltrate the Association, he claims we can quietly steer everyone toward free, respectful choice.

And at the very least, Oscar says, there will surely be free drink at the barbeque.

***

Splendor in the Grass

Grass is a very serious business in The Sack.

We refer, of course, to the type we place on the front, back and sides of our homes. We'll leave the other type of grass for another day.

***

Oscar and I hold a rare Sunday evening edition of our show. There is still daylight, but the sun is turning orange in the dusky sky.

Little Doug spies us from across the street and quickly becomes our first guest.

***

Little Doug is looking quite haggard. His face seems a bit flushed and he has a pained look upon it.

We remark about his appearance, so Little Doug tells us about a mishap.

***

Apparently, he was cutting his grass earlier in the day, when he noticed a loose piece of siding on his house.

While scaling a ladder to repair it, he slipped and fell from about eight feet.

He said he laid on the grass for about five minutes, trying to pull himself together. Then, young Doo ventured by and asked why Little Doug was "sweeping."

***

Little Doug has a nasty scrape on his elbow. He thinks he might have cracked a rib, too.

***

Oscar and I laugh uproariously at Little Doug's tale. Then we apologize for laughing. And then we laugh some more and finish with another apology.

Little Doug is one of the most good-natured people I've met. As we laugh about his fall, he joins in with a hearty laugh of his own. Unfortunately, the laughing causes pain in his cracked rib and he's forced to cut his visit short.

***

Oscar and I find ourselves without a guest. There are very few prospects moving about The Sack on this Sunday evening.

Then we see Weed, Little Doug's prospective son-in-law, drive into The Sack. We give him a welcoming wave, but he replies in pantomime from across the street with a polite refusal.

We conclude that Sunday evening is not a good time slot for our show.

***

As we amuse ourselves with talk of current affairs and miscellaneous Sack trivia, Oscar suddenly points across the street. Immediately, I see what has captured his attention.

***

Big Doug lives beside Gordon.

Big Doug's devotion to his lawn has been well-documented. Gordon, however, is the perennial contender for the honour of Best Lawn in The Sack.

Gordon works much harder at his lawn than Big Doug. But he seems to come up short every year.

Last year, Gordon came very close to perfection.

Sadly, a malfunctioning spreader caused a significant fertilizer burn on his front lawn. He put replacement sod on the afflicted area in a futile attempt at recovery. Big Doug successfully defended his title.

Of course, Big Doug's use of plutonium gives him a substantial edge. But Gordon doesn't know about this.

***

So, here's what Oscar and I see across the street.

Gordon and Big Doug are cutting their respective lawns at the same time. They are mowing in perfect sequence, with each seemingly unaware of the other.

As Gordon moves toward the back of his house, so does Big Doug. Momentarily, both reappear in perfect tandem as they proceed toward the front of their houses. When each begins to mow his front lawn, they remain in harmony.

It's an extraordinary sight to behold. Oscar and I are witnessing suburban ballet.

***

"Music.", says Oscar. "We need music."

I dash into the house and grab our mini-stereo. Mrs. Wonders is on the phone and gives me a quizzical look.

Among a sea of CDs, I pick up the first classical music I see. It turns out to be Vivaldi's, Four Seasons.

***

Back on the show, the music begins.

Big Doug and Gordon are still mowing. They've fallen a bit out of sequence, but the music makes this irrelevant.

Oscar and I sit back in startled amusement as Big Doug and Gordon put on a stirring, synchronized, grass-cutting performance. Both are striding purposefully as they mow, their faces set with intense concentration. They turn corners with majestic authority .

It is a riveting display.

***

The first piece of music comes to an end. This coincides precisely with the disappearance of Big Doug and Gordon toward the back of their houses.

We clap softly to ourselves. Oscar refills our glasses with drink. The sun seems to be hanging on just for our benefit.

Sunday night may not be the best time for our show, but we'll always have grass available to keep us amused.

***

Mixed Nuts

The weekend allows us time for pause and reflection. There are also leaves to rake and summer furniture to store away.

But first, we must dispense with an accumulation of Sack news.

***

During the mid-week, young Doo was seen striding resolutely through The Sack with a hammer in his hand.

Doo is quite enamoured with tools. Should he learn to use them for the public good, he could have a bright future ahead of him. Only time will tell.

A few years ago, Doo received a set of plastic tools for his birthday. They came in a bright, red plastic tool belt. Unfortunately, he was very dissatisfied with the gift. Doo only likes real tools.

***

Yesterday, I spied Doo riding about The Sack without his hockey/bike helmet. I asked him where his nifty new helmet was. Doo told me the helmet was boken.

I told Doo that I would be happy to have a look at it for him. Perhaps, I could get my tools and fix it.

Doo shook his head vigourously. "Nope", he said. "It's really boken."

I think I've discovered what Doo was doing with the hammer earlier in the week. He's also smarter than I thought.

***

Gordon has apparently placed a webcam in his front window.

According to Oscar, Gordon can now see what's going on in front of his house even while he's at work. The webcam is linked to his personal webspace.

Oscar and I think Gordon is getting very close to losing his noodle. With this in mind, we've been thinking of ways to inch him closer. Our best idea, so far, involves the placement of a fully-dressed mannequin on his driveway. Hopefully, Gordon will see it while he's at work.

It will be a good test of his new security system.

Oscar has a female mannequin in his garage. We will have to make do with it. We've agreed to dress the mannequin in a trench coat (I have one) and a fedora (Oscar has one). We're going for a Humphrey Bogart look. Bogie's right arm will be placed inside the front of the coat, as if he's reaching for his weapon.

I have no intention of asking Oscar why he has a female mannequin in his garage.

***

Unfortunately, our plan has met a substantial roadblock.

Mrs. Wonders and Oscar's wife, B.W. joined us on the show last night. Both agreed that our plan is very funny, indeed.

But only funny, opined Mrs. Wonders, if devised and carried out by two sixteen year-old boys. B.W. concurred with this assessment.

Neither of them think it will be useful for us to mess with Gordon's noodle. So, our plan has been placed on the back burner for the moment.

***

On The Sack's front burner, once again, is Burning Manor.

The latest news says that Dirk and Dora do, in fact, plan to return to The Sack. Apparently, the ruins of Burning Manor will be torn down in about three weeks. A new home will be built and then Dirk and Dora will move back. It's said they want to rebuild, because they like it here.

I gleaned this information in the usual way.

Ben and Norma, who bought their house from one of the ministers, were speaking directly with Dirk. Ben told Big Doug, who mentioned it to Doo's mother. Doo's mother told Gordon, who, after having a minor stroke, informed Elizabeth. Elizabeth cornered Mrs. Wonders and I on our driveway, as we prepared to go out for groceries, and told us the whole story.

***

Elizabeth lives next door to Burning Manor. She had to pay a five hundred dollar deductible to replace her siding after the fire. Even before the fire, she had the most run-ins with Dirk and Dora.

She's had confrontations with them about their dogs, their parties and, naturally, about the infamous friends of Burning Manor.

Elizabeth says she plans to "stick close to home" next week, in case she sees Dirk in The Sack. She intends to give him "a piece of her mind" about the duo's plan to return. Based on the spittle flying from Elizabeth's mouth, Dirk is in for a big surprise.

I've made a mental note to check how many vacation days I have left at work. This might be worth hanging around for.

***

Personally, I'm of two minds about the return of Dirk and Dora. On my logical side, I am strongly aligned with Elizabeth and even, God forbid, Gordon. I would prefer that the gruesome couple haunt some new and unsuspecting cul de sac.

From a blogging perspective, however, I'm seeing new possibilities.

***

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

While Mrs. Wonders sleeps, I take my morning coffee on the front porch and peruse the latest edition of The Daily Snooze.

***

On page three, I read a story about the continuing labour dispute at the CBC. The CBC is the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, our nation's public television and radio broadcaster.

Some people think the CBC is a waste of taxpayers money. I could not disagree more. For me, it's the only thing worth watching or listening to.

When it comes to news, it's the only source where they might be telling the truth.

***

Below the article, there is a segment devoted to citizen opinions about the labour dispute. There are even pictures of those who were interviewed.

Front and centre among the pictures, I see Oscar's smiling face.

***

This is not the first time I have been startled by Oscar's sudden appearance in print or on television. For some reason, he's frequently asked for his opinions while strolling through the old town.

Oscar claims that he was voted "Most Likely To Be Picked For A Man-in-the-Street Interview" by his graduating high school class. This is probably true.

***

After the Burning Manor fire, Oscar was interviewed in The Sack by a local television station. He did a terrific job describing the fire and the neighbourhood's reaction to it.

As a condition for doing the interview, Oscar demanded that it be held in front of his garage. At the time, he was selling his second car. There was a large 'For Sale" sign on the car with a visible phone number.

When the interview was televised, the car was featured prominently over his left shoulder.

Oscar sold the car a week later. He says the buyer saw it during the television interview. I remain very doubtful about this.

***

Last summer, Oscar was interviewed by The Chronically Horrid.

He was at the Gay Pride Parade with his wife, G.W. and their son, Dorian. He was identified by the reporter as a heterosexual family man in support of the gay community.

Oscar was a bit miffed with the reporter's description. He felt the reporter was making an assumption about someone's sexuality, on the basis of their marital and parental status. He says he called The Chronically Horrid and complained.

Oscar says he told them his wife is transgendered. I remain very doubtful about this, too.

***

Whenever Oscar is in the newspaper, he will ask me very casually, if I have read the paper that day.

I make a point of saying, "Yeah, but there was nothing of interest."

***

Another time, Oscar was interviewed at the Cannabis Day Picnic by The Daily Snooze. He tells me that he was merely walking by the picnic at the time.

This could be true, but I will leave lots of room for doubt.

***

There is no accounting for the number of times Oscar has been interviewed by the media as an ordinary citizen. It is getting to the point where I am afraid to read the newspaper or watch the television news.

Perhaps the CBC labour problem is not such a bad thing after all.

***

In total, Oscar claims that he has used up approximately eight of his fifteen minutes of fame. He says he has very big plans for the remaining seven.

***

Recycle This

We were remiss in our previous post about regular visitors to The Sack.

There is one person who visits The Sack on a weekly basis. He's either the last vestige of a bygone era or a new breed of street entrepreneur.

***

Eddie is a wisp of man who is somewhere in his mid-forties.

He's barely over five feet and has deeply tanned, weather-beaten skin. There is a faint hint of a moustache under his nose. Eddie also likes to wear an old Civil War hat. And he rolls his own cigarettes.

A strong wind would likely send Eddie airborne. He is that thin.

***

Garbage day in The Sack is on Friday. To Eddie, garbage is a very serious business indeed.

He roams his territory in the old town in search of recycleable bottles and cans. These items are redeemable for five cents each. On a good day, Eddie tells me he can make over a hundred dollars.

Twice a week, Eddie follows his route on foot. He says he walks over twenty kilometres each day. And he does this while pushing a grocery cart that's buried under large plastic bags, filled with cans and bottles. The bags are piled impossibly high. There are bags tied to the cart, as well.

If you've ever seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you'll know what I mean. (The old cartoon version, not the movie.)

***

Another interesting thing about Eddie: He wears a thick, leather tool-belt around his waist. It's laden with screwdrivers, pliers, wire cutters, and even a hammer.

There is no bag, box or bale that can keep Eddie out.

***

The first time I saw Eddie was on a very foggy day in The Sack. While putting my garbage at the curb, I suddenly noticed what appeared to be a man with a donkey cart emerging from the fog. As he got closer, he seemed more like a wild nomad from some futuristic, post-nuclear war society.

Either way, he was a bit startling to see for the first time.

***

I once asked Eddie if I could push his cart for a moment, just to gauge its weight. I'm not a very big man myself, but beside Eddie, I look like the governor of California. I could push the cart with effort, but couldn't imagine the stamina needed to cover the distance he does.

***

Oscar, of course, is very well-acquainted with Eddie. He and I have discussed old Eddie on a number of occasions.

We've agreed that Eddie should enjoy most favoured status among those who seek out recycleable goods in The Sack. This may sound condescending, but the collection of recycleable material is part of a ferocious underground economy in the old town.

This competitive hunt begins on Thursday evenings, when many Sack residents have put their garbage outside. Pick-up trucks, vans and even the dreaded SUV will drive slowly through the street. The backs of these vehicles are often stuffed with bags of bottles and cans.

Blue bags will be emptied of any redeemable can or bottle. Anything made of metal will be taken in mere seconds.

***

Oscar once put an old rusted barbeque at the curb for collection. He'd barely put it down before a pick-up truck carted it away. Oscar was fine with this.

He says that's exactly how he got the barbeque in the first place.

A few years ago, Mrs. Wonder's and I put an old couch out on the curb. I went back into the house to get the removeable legs. When I got back to the curb, I saw the couch disappearing down The Sack in the back of a truck.

I stood in the street, awkwardly waving the legs, but to no avail.

***

So here is Eddie's story: He's on social assistance. He hasn't worked in a regular job for over fifteen years. This is because of his bad back.

Watching him push his cart around, one might have doubts about this.

***

According to Oscar, Eddie admits that he's an alcoholic.

If this is true, he is certainly a very organized one. He says he uses his recycling income strictly for beer, tobacco and the occasional restaurant meal. Social assistance covers everything else. He claims that he has only missed one day of collecting (other than storm days) in the last seven years. That was after his brother died.

Eddie says he was very drunk that day.

***

Oscar says he's seen Eddie drink the remnants from discarded beer cans. I've never seen this myself, but I think it's true. Oscar will sometimes put a few full cans of beers in his blue bag for Eddie.

I'm uncertain about and touched by this action.

***

So Oscar, myself and several other Sack residents reserve our redeemable cans and bottles for Eddie. Curiously, we seem to be the ones most accustomed to drink. This is a definite advantage for Eddie.

It is common for Oscar to prolong an evening by invoking Eddie's name: "Let's have one more, so Eddie will have a good week."

It's a very successful ploy.

***

Reserving our cans and bottles for Eddie is not a simple matter. Most of us leave our blue bags on the porch for him. He knows that it's okay to pick them up there. This doesn't, of course, stop other collectors from taking the bags.

This has lead to several confrontations with collectors who arrive in vehicles. From our perspective, these folks have the money to drive, so they mustn't need the money as badly as Eddie.

Several collectors have had nasty run-ins with Elizabeth. Elizabeth is a staunch backer of Eddie. Interestly, she has never spoken to him. In fact, she seems almost frightened by him.

But she knows his story and this means something to her.

***

Oscar sees Eddie as some kind of street philosopher.

I'm not so sure about that. But Eddie does like nothing better than to stop, talk and smoke for awhile. There have been times where I've talked with Eddie for over half an hour, before he resumes his route.

When Eddie's in The Sack, Oscar makes a point of taking the blue bag right out to him. They'll talk for a bit and Oscar's laugh will echo through The Sack. It's like a regular part of the week for both of them.

Our streets probably need more of this kind of social contact. In fact, this is one thing I am pretty certain about.

***

Rock Around The Sack

In the so-called 'old days', there were familiar faces who visited a neigbourhood on a daily basis.

These friendly faces might include those who delivered mail, milk or bread. One might even remember the old craftsmen who would come around to sharpen people's knives.

Today, however, even the hallowed paperboy is a thing of the past.

***

In the Sack, mail is delivered to a central "super box" on an adjacent street.

Most residents check their mail once per week. Oscar claims that "no good" can come from checking one's mail at all. He will only visit his mail box when Canada Post calls to say his box is full.

Newspaper delivery is now a full-time job, carried out by adults who drive around in cars. Any day now, newspaper delivery will become a profession. One will need to be certified.

Maybe, this isn't a bad idea.

***

The young woman who delivers my Daily Snooze drives around in a battered Toyota. Oscar describes her as a rocker chick, because she is always clad in a concert t-shirt and wearing a red bandana around her head. I'm not sure if this qualifies one for rocker chick status.

She usually delivers the paper around five o'clock in the morning. Her car makes several distinctive noises which have awakened me on a number of occasions. I've watched from my bedroom window as she alights from her car and throws the paper in the general direction of the house.

Occasionally, the paper will land on our porch. This only seems to happen when the weather is warm and dry. I have retrieved papers from snowbanks, bushes and from under my car. Not long ago, I discovered a month-old paper on the porch roof.

***

A young man delivers the old town's other newspaper, The Chronically Horrid.

He usually arrives around 4 a.m. in another older vehicle. He is a big fan of heavy metal music. He parks his car in the middle of The Sack and leaves the door open while he delivers the papers. The volume of his car stereo is set to cranked.

There is nothing more refreshing than awakening to the dulcet tones of Guns & Roses.

***

Computer Doug is a man who travels a great deal in his work. Often, he must be on a plane at six o'clock in the morning.

On such days, Computer Doug claims that he has no need for an alarm clock. Instead, he says he simply gets up when he hears the driving drums and guitars of Anthrax.

***

Oscar and I have wondered if the rocker chick from the Daily Snooze and the heavy metal guy from The Chronically Horrid have ever met each other. Neither of us have ever seen them in The Sack at the same time.

We agree they might like each other very much. They seem to have much in common. We wonder if love could spring from such a union.

Each day they must barely miss being in The Sack at the same time. Some day in the future, it will be fate that will bring them together.

Oscar says he's working on a rock opera relating to their story. He has yet to share it with me.

***

The point of all this is the following: Other than their annoying habits, Sack residents know little, if anything, about their professional news delivery people, mail carriers or any other service providers.

Things are much more impersonal these days. This can't be a good thing, unless of course, Oscar successfully writes a rock opera and Computer Doug gets to the airport on time.

***

Cast of Characters

As tales from The Sack continue, one might need a program to keep track of the residents. As a public service, and in no particular order, here is our cast of main Sack people, so far:

***

Oscar: The entertainer, the straw that stirs the drink. Everyone in The Sack knows Oscar. Usually at the centre of every gathering. Just listen for the laugh. First mentioned in "Quiet on the Set, Please" Shows up in most posts because he's very hard to ignore.

Dougs: There are four of them. That's right. . .four. We await confirmation from the Guinness people about a world record ("Most Dougs in a Cul de sac"). Three Dougs were first introduced in Dougs I Know. Not included in the list below is Doug That Moved. He moved away.

• Big Doug: Keeper of the perfect lawn; rumoured to use plutonium as a fertilizer. If it's broke, he can fix it.
  
  
• Little Doug: Owns tools you couldn't even name. Bought house owned by Doug That Moved. Has coughing fits to get out of boring conversations.
  
  
• Computer Doug: Has nothing in common with previous two Dougs. Has seen more live concerts than you.
  
  
• Rental Doug: Recently moved to The Sack. Could be related to the Devil. First mentioned in Spies, Lies and Surprises.
  
  

Florence: The Wonders' next door neighbour. First mentioned in Naming Rights.

Mulva: Florence's boarder until Christmas. She's here from Korea to learn English. Also known as Tammy. Also introduced in Naming Rights.

Elizabeth: Prim, proper and prone to wine. First introduced in First We See England, Then We See France.

Burning Manor: Can a house be a character? This one can. Read about the night they burned the old manor down in Fire in The Sack.

Dirk & Dora: Owners of the now-defunct Burning Manor. Meet Dirk and Dora in Burning Manor (Parts I & II). No longer living in The Sack and one hopes it will remain this way.

Gordon: Good at complaining. So good at it, many officials in the old town won't answer his calls anymore. If it's bad and it happens in The Sack, Gordon will be the first one to know about it. Habitual writer of 'letters to the editor.' Introduced in Enter the Peelers.

Doo: Age 6. Having trouble with the childhood development thing. Will make a speech therapist rich some day. Charming kid, but has his work cut out for him. Meet him in Doo the Right Thing.

Dorian: Oscar's boy, age 12. The focus of Oscar's concerns in Oscar's Premonition.

Tremayne: Aged 5, but twice as smart as Doo. Introduced in Random Samplings.

***

Random Samplings

Today's task is to simply digest some of the bits and pieces of Sack news which have accumulated during the week.

***

It looks like the Burning Manor saga is not over. Dirk was here this week, along with a restoration company that specializes in fire and water damage.

Gordon is furious about the matter. Oscar and I think Dirk might be repairing the house, so he can sell it. But the house is a disaster and rebuilding would seem impossible. Either way, I'm not crazy about seeing these folks return. I just don't have room for any more shenanigans.

Gordon is certain that Burning Manor will rise again. He just can't figure out who to complain to.

***

Young Doo, my six-year-old friend, has a new helmet to wear when he's riding his bike. I can't really say 'bike helmet', because, well. . . it isn't a bike helmet.

Instead, Doo has a very expensive hockey helmet. It has a very sophisticated fastening system and it sits firmly on his head. Doo has no idea how to get it off.

I must give his mother credit. She has surprised me with her creativity.

***

One of the younger Sack kids came to our door the other night. Tremayne is only about five years old, but he's smart and funny. Our conversation went like this:

Tremayne: "Do you wanna buy a chocolate bar?"

Guy W.: "What's it for?"

Tremayne: "For eatin'."

Guy W.: "No, why are you selling them?"

Tremayne: "So you can eat it."

Guy W.: "No, I mean. . .where is the money going?"

Tremayne: "I'm gonna put it in my pocket."

Guy W.: "And who will you give the money to?"

Tremayne: "My brother."

Guy W.: "And what's he going to do with the money?"

Tremayne: "Put it in his pocket."

Guy W.: "What kind of chocolate is it?"

Tremayne: "It's brown."

Guy W.: "OK, I think we have a deal."

Eventually, I deduce that Tremayne's brother is selling the chocolate bars for a school fund-raiser. I can see his brother playing with some other kids in The Sack's centre circle. He has enlisted Tremayne to sell the bars for him. This is what little brothers are for.

It's also a smart idea to subcontract the job to Tremayne. If Mrs. Wonders answered the door to Tremayne, she'd buy every bar the tyke had. She thinks Tremayne is that cute. I think she's probably right.

***

There are lots of spider webs around Sack houses these days. The fascinating little creatures build webs on porches, between shrubs, across stairways, and just about everywhere else.

I heard a shriek from Mrs. Wonders the other day when she was coming up the stairs on the back deck. She forgot to check for webs before proceeding up the stairs and walked straight through a rather large one. She was wearing shorts at the time and noticed the web only after it became enmeshed with her legs, spider included.

At this time of year, Sack residents wave their arms and legs in front of them, whenever they're coming out of their homes or walking between trees or shrubs. It's a local, seasonal dance.

***

Florence now has a second Korean student staying at her home. This woman is a teacher and she'll be here for about a month.

There was no mention of giving this new visitor an English name. We've had just about enough naming controversies in The Sack of late. Besides, Oscar has been keeping a low profile for the last few days and some think it best to keep it that way for a while.

Florence also said that Mulva is fine with having another Korean in the house.

***

Finally, Mrs. Wonders has a brother who lives in Lake Charles, Louisiana.

Ironically, he took in some friends from New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. After yesterday's Hurricane Rita, it looks like he may have lost his own home.

Fortunately, he evacuated to a more northern location. The next few days will tell whether or not his home withstood the weather. Early reports, however, are not promising.

***

Slip, Slap or Punch?

Mrs. Wonders and I decide to view television together.

The only program that captures Mrs. Wonders' attention is a reality show on CNN. Contestants are required to stand in the midst of a raging hurricane while yelling into a microphone. Apparently, the last one standing is considered the winner.

Mrs. Wonders can't decide who to root for. But she hopes this Anderson Cooper chap will blow away in the first round.

***

Above the din of a screaming contestant, we hear the unmistakable striking of human flesh. This is followed by brief, but angry cursing.

These sounds are coming from The Sack.

***

Instinctively, we rush to the front window. As usual, Mrs. Wonders is there first and enjoys the best vantage point.

Over her shoulder, I see a couple from across the street leaving their car. The passenger door on the driver side is ajar. A man is kneeling on the driveway beside the open door.

He's in considerable pain. Even from our vantage point, we can hear him moan.

***

Curiously, the couple is indifferent to the man's plight. They walk casually up their front steps and enter the house. They do not look back.

By this time, the man is on his feet. He's limping badly and in obvious discomfort. He follows the couple into the house.

***

Mrs. Wonders and I are deeply unsatisfied. We're unable to develop a full narrative of what has taken place. There are loose ends here.

***

It is too late in the evening to converse with other correspondents in The Sack. Gordon is asleep at the switch as his front window sits empty. At least for tonight, we must tackle this one alone.

***

We review the gamut of possibilities.We know the three people travelled home together.We assume the injured man is a friend or relative of the couple. What happened next is pure conjecture. We come up with the following:

• The man was assaulted by the husband as he left the
  car. The wife approved.
  
  

  He was assaulted by the wife. The husband
  approved.
  
  

  He fell as he exited the car. Both husband and wife
  approved.
  
  

For the next hour, we explore possible motives. We go over the sequence of events again and again.

***

Over an hour passes before we've exhausted all possibilities. The television remains unwatched. In jest, we talk of quitting our jobs and starting a detective agency.

We could work from home.

***

That's Familiar

At times, a cul de sac can be a very intimate setting.

This doesn't necessarily mean that people have closer relationships. But residents certainly get to know each other better than in other urban settings. And this can breed a certain level of comfort and a more communal atmosphere.

Take that, New Urbanism movement.

***

One day this week, I decide to walk to work. This takes about forty-five minutes. But it's a pleasant autumn day and the walk allows for quiet thought and introspection.

Mrs. Wonders takes a well-deserved day off from work. She has our car available for whatever errands or outings which might interest her.

***

During my lunch hour, I take a stroll through the downtown quarter. The sun is shining and there's a hint of the ocean in the air. The street is filled with people, many, like me, enjoying one of the remaining days of favourable weather.

Suddenly, I notice a car passing by. It is our car and, strangely, Mrs. Wonders isn't in it.

Instead, I see Florence, our next door neighbour at the wheel. An elderly woman I don't recognize sits in the passenger seat.

***

While surprised, I remain unconcerned. There is surely a good reason for Florence to be driving our car. Perhaps her car is unavailable and Mrs. Wonders has graciously given loan of ours.

This is the way of The Sack.

***

At the end of the day, I return home. Walking up our street, I see Computer Doug cutting his grass. The grimace on his face is easy to notice.

Computer Doug is not a man who enjoys home maintenance.

Whenever he's engaged in one of these activities, one is immediately aware that he's been assigned to the task. His wife, Marion, typically looks after these matters. But she has gone out of town for a few days.

I walk by Computer Doug unnoticed because he is grimacing with his head down. But I do observe that he is using my lawn mower.

***

This does not concern me, either. Quite likely, he has run over the electrical cord on his mower once again. Mrs. Wonders has likely offered the use of our lawn mower.

This, too, is the way of The Sack.

***

I walk up the front steps to our home. Mrs. Wonders has left the front door opened, so the fresh air can stream through the outer screen door.

I like the old screen door a great deal. It makes a comforting, creaking sound when it's opened. I could lubricate the hinges, but I prefer the sound.

***

As I enter the house, I call out to Mrs. Wonders. I use a term of endearment used only in the privacy of our own lives. I couldn't bear to tell you what it is.

Just before entering our front room, I hear a reply.

"Hi, honey, you're home.", says the voice.

***

Sitting comfortably in my front room is Oscar. He is resting on the overstuffed armchair, with his feet upon the ottoman. He has already been supplied with drink. And he's listening to Tom Waits.

Mrs. Wonders is nowhere to be found.

***

Oscar enjoys my front room immensely. He says it looks like his would, if he had made "different decisions. By this, he is referring to procreation.

Mrs. Wonders, according to Oscar, is over at his house, enjoying coffee with his wife, B.W.

B.W. stands for Bad Wife. She is alternatively known as G.W. or Good Wife. Her name, at any given time, depends on how much mischief Oscar has caused.

***

I tell Oscar that I will join him for drink momentarily. Proceeding upstairs to change into more casual attire, I notice a shaggy-haired youth sitting in my home office.

It is Oscar's son, Dorian. He is doing either homework or inviting viruses into my computer. He could be doing both.

***

When I return, I discover that Oscar is no longer in the front room. Through the screen door, I see a gaggle of Sack residents ensconced on our front steps.

I walk outside and I'm greeted warmly by Mrs. Wonders. Sitting on our steps, various types of drink in hand, are the following: Florence and her aunt, now returned with our car from a medical appointment, and Oscar, with his arm draped affectionately around his wife, G.W.

Finally, there is Computer Doug, his distasteful duties now complete.

***

It seems that an evening barbeque is being organized. Everyone is embroiled in a discussion of the meal.

I feel a slight sense of disorientation.

Oscar equips me with drink, as I slowly sit down on the top step. Within moments, the feeling passes and I find myself in the midst of the laughter and good cheer.

This, too, is the way of The Sack.

***

A Devil of a Time

It is a cool autumn evening in The Sack. There is still daylight, but a light shroud of fog has descended on the street.

Oscar and I sit pensively on my front steps. We have eschewed after-dinner drink in favour of freshly-brewed coffee.

There is little movement in The Sack. We can only see Big Doug puttering about in his yard. I wonder silently if there is plutonium involved in his labour. But, I dare not raise this with Oscar.

***

Oscar breaks the silence and asks, "Does it ever bother you that men of the cloth don't want to live here?"

There have been two ministers who have lived in The Sack. Neither stayed for longer than a year. In fact, one stayed for barely three months before selling his home.

Oscar has raised this matter before. When he is feeling rueful or blue, the minister thing becomes of greater concern to him.

***

In Oscar's eyes, the quick departures of the ministers suggest something sinister is afoot in The Sack. There is, as he puts it, something ominous about the whole thing.

This time, I simply say to him, "I think your Catholicism is acting up again."

***

But Oscar will have none of this.

"Seriously, he says, have you considered that two ministers have lived here, in houses right next to each other. . . and neither chose to stay?"

***

I point out that both men left for plausible reasons.

William, for one, was a wonderful man who lived in The Sack for about a year, along with his young family. He was a minister from China, charged with building a new congregation in the old town.

Unfortunately, there is only a very small Chinese community here. William had no choice but to move to a larger urban area.

I also mention that William still owns a property in The Sack. This house is currently occupied by Rental Doug and his blended family.

***

The other minister never really lived here at all. He had the house built in anticipation of retirement. He was still living in another province and only came home on occasional weekends.

However, his retirement plans changed and he sold the house.

***

But the logic of my argument only reinforces Oscar's position.

"Plausible enough, he concedes, but hardly proof of anything."

***

Oscar's theory about the ministers borders on the fantastic. He believes that the forces of evil have conspired to occupy a roost in The Sack.

"So, you're saying that the Devil, himself, is living in one of those two homes?", I ask.

Oscar looks at me with a cocked eyebrow, as if I'm consumed with drink. "Of course, not." he says. "The Sack is far too unimportant for him. He would need a place with more panache."

"An agent of the Devil would be far more likely."

***

Occupying one of the homes is a very nice couple named Ben and Norma. Finer people could not be imagined.

Oscar readily agrees that neither Ben, nor Norma, is doing the Devil's business in The Sack.

***

This, of course, leaves Rental Doug as the primary candidate for evil-doing.

The original purpose of our evening was to review the permanence of the name we have given to Rental Doug. I should have known why Oscar has returned to the minister issue on this particular night.

***

"So, you think Rental Doug has ties to Lucifer?", I ask.

Oscar ponders this for a time and then says, "Well, he does drive a red car. Red is associated with danger and fire. . . and he moved here right after the Burning Manor affair."

Rental Doug drives a red Honda Accord. I hardly think such a sensible car reflects the Devil's style. Satan's people, I tell Oscar, would drive something far more ostentatious.

***

At this point, our discussion deteriorates further. We begin to argue about the vehicles that various personas might drive. We reach the zenith of absurdity when Oscar asks, "What would Jesus drive?"

Oscar thinks He would drive a hybrid vehicle, something that reflects an environmental sensibility. I disagree strongly and suggest that the Son of God would undoubtedly take the bus at every opportunity.

***

Eventually, we return to the matter of Rental Doug. Oscar argues that Rental Doug may not even be a Doug at all. He may have chosen this name to blend in amongst the other Dougs. This way, according to Oscar, he could "fly under our radar."

In the end, Oscar finally concedes that Rental Doug should retain the moniker we have given him. We have agreed in the past that such decisions must be unanimous. He had pushed hard for the names Evil Doug, Satanic Doug and even, Beelzebub. But I will have none of this.

To ease Oscar's concession on the matter, I agree that we will keep a very close eye on Rental Doug. At the first sign of an evil deed, as Oscar puts it, we can reopen the debate.

***

The business part of our agenda is complete, so we return our empty coffee cups to my kitchen. With the serious matters of The Sack behind us, it is now time for the drink.

***